or am i just overthinking and overanalyzing once again?

i don't know what to feel anymore. it's weird. i feel glad that i made you happy this morning but at the same time i got really hurt seeing you that happy seeing someone else. i drove you all the way to some strange place at 3am to see someone you really like. you know why i did that. because i love you. this kind of live is not to be classified. i just do. like a mother to a child, a friend to a friend, a guy to his sports car, a body to its soul... i can go on for hours. don't get me wrong, i like seeing you happy. i really do. in fact, i hate it when i see you down. naiinis ako sa mundo. gusto ko lang lahat i stone cold stunner para lang di ka na down. but, alam mo naman, i can't do that. it's really weird where i'm in right now. where i've been since december of last year. i'm rooting for the home team. i'm rooting for you and whatever makes you happy. and i mean WHATEVER makes you happy. pero sa totoo lang napakasakit ng mga things that make you happy. well, napakasakit for me. i try my best to be happy that you are but late at night it starts to hurt me. when i'm alone it starts to hurt me. it's not the same as before. i actually wanted that last one to end because somehow i know its wrong. but hey. society can go to hell. pero basta labo. but this one i actually want. i don't want it to end. because i really do like you. and i don't know how to say it. i don't know if i ever will. kahit alam kong mali na, i still like you. i love you. the reason why i'm saying it all here is because you will never know it's me. ang tapang ko dito. di mo naman kasi mababasa. i don't wanna lose you. you're a great friend. one of my closest. this might just destroy a lot of things. i don't want to lose a friend. i don't want to risk something that is already great. maybe sometime, somewhere, one time, one day or something like that. the right time might actually come for once. but for now all i can do is type and steal glances when you're not looking. all i can do is act like it's all good. my performance must be academy award winning by now. i mean... 10 months going on 11 the moment i post this blog that doesn't exist. what the hell. i still got your back. i'll be watching from the sidelines. still rooting for the home team. i really hope this all goes somewhere. well... sooner or later it will. but when? sorry. labo ng blog.

I'M STILL NOT OVER YOU.

MY BAD.

NOT YOUR FAULT.

you are not alone.

:p

there so much people better than me.

so...

why pick me in the first place right?

i mean. what the hell am i even thinking. it doesn't matter. who am i anyway in your life?

i'm just there. i don't mean anything much to you.

that's what i feel.

i mean...

WHO THE FUCK AM I TALKING TO ANYWAY!!!

I CHOOSE TO REMAIN FUCKING SILENT!!!

I FUCKING ALWAYS DO!

THAT'S WHY I NEVER FUCKING GET ANYTHING IN THIS GODFORSAKEN LIFE!!!

THE SECRET...

FUCK THE FUCKING SECRET!!!

ALL YOU FUCKING GIVE ME IS FUCKING FALSE HOPE!!!

HOPE...

FUCKING DISTRACTION!!!

MUST FOCUS ON DOING WHAT IS FUCKING RIGHT TO THE FUCKING WORLD!!!

WAAAAAH!

PUTANG INA PUTANG INA PUTANG INA!!!

WALA

WALA

WALA

PUTANG INANG WALA!!!

WALA!!!!!

WALA!!!!!

WALA KASI!!!

i see you.

what the hell.

how can i stop caring about the present???

coz if i didn't, there would be so much that i have done.

but i care. i care too much.

and i will stay like this till the day i wake up unafraid.

wala na akong ibang aasahan pa.

ayoko na manggulo ng buhay ng may buhay.

you've all got your own problems.

i've got mine.

i hate them yet they light a fire in me forcing me and pushing me to survive.

i'm stronger than i thought.

God.

Father,

please...

can you?

i'm choking on words, i'm afraid, i will never say.

why?

maybe soon.

i want to.

i have to.