Sharheyll and I had promised that we would still end up with each other no matter what. He assured that she wouldn't marry yet and that she won't marry other guy except me. The fact that she promised still bothers my mind. She has her boyfriend now. Just right after me. How ironic it is. But, she said she can dare to sacrifice. Right now, though I'm trying to revive the sweetness of her just like the old days, it really breaks me hard when she couldn't patiently listen and talk to me. She even slapped me in the face. But no matter how or what, I still love her.

What I've learned is to take into action the quote, "If I love her, set her free." Painful it may though, I must face the whole situation bravely. As I was spending so much time with her, all she does is to dispose me. I should have listen to my friend with what she said, "the more you want to win her heart right now, the more she'll go further away." I can see the big picture right now and I don't want it to happen. Starting today, I will try to keep distance and let her be what she wants. I have to trust her and prove to her that I'm a better person. I know my time will come. And when that day come, I know she'll welcome me with arms with open.

Until now, I am still confused. I know that there's nothing constant in this world but change. After such distressing breakup, we dealt promises together which I wrote from the latter blog. The promises may possible go in two directions, eithers it will come true or not. She promised that she will strive to do her part to also achieve that promise, though she always says, "lantawon nato" translation "let's see what tomorrow brings." Promises would hardly come true if neither partly will not work together. They say it takes two to tango.

Though I understand that she has her boyfriend now, I still can't still handle and accept all things happening. Everything happened in a surprise and still I was surprised. I keep on praying to GOD to give me strength to accept things and give me patience to wait for her. I still can't still replace her throne in my being.

For now, I know, that though she has a relationship with someone, I trust her that she knows what to do. I know, she want's to focus on her career now. I am also doing the same. One goal at a time: to pass the Nursing Licensure Examination this November. After then, I will plan what to do next. I was planning to proceed to Medical School but our family can't afford it. I will cross the bridge when I get there.

As I was writing this, I am excited to read this again in the near or late future to see if things were met or not. Four to six years from now, a lot of things might happen. I just don't know what will happen. Surprises will come.

Sharheyll C. Gemira: you are just someone I can't afford to replace. I had my chance but I didn't maximize that chance. If God would answer and allow me to be given another chance, this time on, I will never leave you...

Godbless!

Yesterday, I sent her a bunch of different colored roses to show my sincerity to her how much I love her. It always crawl into my mind that I know there's still something left from her for me. Since this morning I she was not the same anymore. I just don't know why. She isn't replying to my message anymore and she seems to ignore me now. I felt so bad about it. I qualify symptoms of major depression as I was reading a book for five hours yesterday and understanding how coud I cope up with my depression.

Before anything else, I see hope that someday we will be together at the right time. There were promises we promised to each other that I hope we could both stick to that promises. Here it is:

1. She said she still loves me.

2. She said she wants me to be the father of her children. Meaning, her husband.

3. She said that she will get marry 6 years from now, which, she will wait for me and inform me right away.

4. There were things it is only to me that she can do.

5. She said she will do her part so we can be together forever.

I am writing this here so that I will see in the future if these things will be done.

I just love Sharheyll so much that I didn't ever express such love to someone like this before. There's just something in her that stands out from other girls. Because of what happened, I became close to God. I know, with Him, all things are possible. I used to pray to God that He will touch her heart and bring her back to me. I know we can be a great couple.

Just like the story of Jacob and Rachel in the Bible, Jacob sincerely showed his love to Rachel by serving Rachel's father for 7 years before getting married. There is no such greater love a man can show this to the one he loves.

Lord God, I know that when I ask, I know that you will provide. I pray Lord God that you will touch the heart of Sharheyll. Safeguard her heart. I hope that our plans and promises will come true.

I love you so much Sharheyll. I will always be here for you. No matter what!

It's been a while that I have written something in this blog. But there's something triggering me to write again and reminisce the dates of what happened to me in the past. As I was reading my previous blogs, I can't help but laugh and at the same time cry when I relate pass memories from the present events. Lately, my girlfriend and I broke up without any clear reasons and notice. She broke up with me just by text messages.

To have a clear picture of my story. It all began with this...

Me and my girlfriend (Sharheyll) were classmates wayback when we were 2nd year college. We have the same course, same subjects taken, and same schedules. Most of the time, we always see each other everyday. I started to notice her when my friend, who is also her friend, introduced me to her. It started all with just a plain introduction and grew into borrowing of notes, exchanging text messages. Until such time, exchanging text messages were often that we started to like each other.

It all started when she was studying outside the Luce Auditorium Lobby (Silliman University) and surprised her that I'll go and meet her. I approached her from behind. Just in time when I was near that she turned her head and surprised to see me. We had a long talk with each other until the sun set and decided to go home. Every night, exchanging text messages were getting more often.

Moreover, it was more than 2 months of liking each other that I finally proposed to her to be my girlfriend. It was on April 14, 2007 that she said her calm and sweet "YES." It was one of my happiest days in my life when I had a very sweet girlfriend. Everything went very exciting just like new married couples are. I can still remember we had our first picture at the CBA grounds on the swing together. Her hair was still curly that time.

You can refer what happened to our first and second monthsary on my previous blogs. It was just a simple and unconventional time speding with each other. Nothing much but just a simple get together.

Moreover, as time goes, she introduced me to her sister, who is much older than us. We had a dinner time together with the 3 of us. Just in the middle of our dinner, Shareed's boyfriend (Jebsen) came along to join us. I was still tensed to be with them since I still dont know them that much. As we were getting along together the four of us, we spent time together, the four of us, overnight at Kuya Jebsen's place. Kuya Jebs and Ate Shareed on the bed, and both Sharheyll and I on the floor. I can see in Sharheyll's eyes that she was so inloved. And so am I. We kissed each other almost the whole dawn, prior to that, I vomitted because I got drunk when we were having "shottings" with Kuya Jebsen and Ate Shareed. She didn't mind what happened. And we still continue to kiss. I am Sharheyll's first kiss.

I can also remember our first escapade in Siquijor where we spent overnight with friends. Nothing beats the memories in Salagdo-ong beach. I was sleeping on her lap. Kiss her on top of the rock seeing the horizon where the ocean meets the sky. Who couldn't the underwater kiss??? Great moment together.

Moreso, we also had our great times in Forest Camp, Valencia and Agan-an beach. Just so sweet. She was an outgoing girl and you could seldom hear complains from her. Lagi siyang on-the-go.

Who couldn't also forget the musical analysis of Bethoven and other maestros? I used to analyze her assignments since I am more acquainted with music than she was.

Everything went so nice. We spend time studying together. Spending time on the weekends, holidays and even free times.

Sharheyll was the first girl I introduced to my parents. It is always my principle that when I enter into relationships, I always don't hide them to my parents. My father including me and Sharheyll dated on a dinner out.

Having a relationship is not always sunny days. When we were on our junior years, we always had difficult times together too since our lessons are getting though that sometimes, we fail exams. But we when through it all together. We both graduated March 2009. Now we were reviewing together.

Going back, in a relationship, I believe there are also cold times together especially when you always are together. Sometimes, tight relationship hinder us to grow socially and meet other people too. We always isolate ourselves in the society and get stuck just between the two of us together.

I admit to myself that I have also flaws in this relationship of ours. Later part of our relationship, I used to take her for granted because maybe, we should give ourselves a chance to grow individually. I flirted too, but never had any extra relationship. I always put in my mind that she was still my princess. I admit too that I had something that really sucks in my attitude. I just dont know how to control my anger and that even the slightest thing of just getting things over, I always get disappointed and she was always the target. I admit, I hurt her both emotionally and physically. People can see evidence of her red, chinese looking eyes in the morning because tears fill a bowl full. I could'nt just imagine myself. What I idolize her the most if her patience to me that despite what I did to her, she was still there with me holding on.

As the relationship pass by, everythings getting blurry. It was when I came back to Dumaguete City last May 2009 that I realized that I should be "born again." How could such person like me do this to her. When we were having our completion together, there was this one time that I said "I LOVE YOU" to her when we were on the sink in the operating room cleaning the instruments. Even myself couldn't imagine why I said this. But there something that pushed me to realize that I just shouldn't say this but to show this as well. That is why, I took the oppurtunity to spend quality time together. I had missed few days spending with her because I was damn addicted with computer games. But I was always dictating to myself that I should change! After a speding a week in Dumaguete, we spent the last day playing basketball arcade in Mart One. I offered her a song which I used to like since I was high school entitle "Wildflower." I dedicate that song to her. The day after, I left Dumaguete and my way bound home.

When I arrived in Zamboanga, I went directly to the hospital to see the condition of my lolo who had a tricycle accident. My lolo was semi-comatosed. On that same day, he was scheduled for a STAT operation. Venticulostomy. To drain out blood in his brain. Being the first apo, and also a nursing graduate, I played a big role in attending to my lolo, from the buying of the medications, suctioning secretions, tracheostomy care and bedbath. My lolo was 80 years old. We even spent his birthday last May 2009. My lolo spent 15 days in the ICU where most of the families were having difficulties with what happened. During these times, I had never spent time with my own self. I even had difficult times communicating with Sharheyll because of the sad event. My lolo still didn't survive. My lolo died and everyone if mourning. As a graduate nurse, I used to maintain my composure and be objective but sometimes, my emotions supercede because it is the first time there's someone who died in the house. First time for our family actually.

During this transition, I spent time to read book. I read the "Purpose driven life" by Rick Warren and realize my purpose in this world. I also learned in the book on how to value people, life as a whole. I then realize how much worthy was Sharheyll. So I used to text her again but she seem to reply confusing questions and answers.

My lolo died on a Sunday. I was scheduled to leave on Wednesday of the coming week but then my father said if I could postpone it because my lolo will be burried on the Thursay of the coming week. As a respect to my lolo, I decided to postpone. I planned to leave the Wednesday of the next week.

My lolo was finally burried but our family is still on the denial stage. I left for Zamboanga on Tuesday of the next week to follow up papers for my motorcycle. At that night, Sharheyll was breaking up with me in the text. I called her and we talked and cried to talk about matters because I don't want us to be broken. She was insisting that this is for our own good. Well, I strongly don't agree. I told her that wait for me to arrive in Dumaguete to personally talk these things over. It was a lonely trip when I left Wednesday in Zamboanga. She was not anymore replying that much to my text messages. When I arrived in Dumaguete, I was happy to see the place again but more sad to what happened to us. I told that we should meet and talk things over. I was suicidal those days when she was not replying to me and I was not used to that. It was during Monday, our review class devotion that we met and talked things over but it was mostly my talk and I didn't get much of her side. I was went I was kissing and hugging her that she refused when she said, "naa na koy boyfried", "I now have a boyfriend." It was like the whole heaven fell on me that my heart was literally crushing. I didn't believe her at first but when I confirmed, I believed. The guy was the CI who usually Sharheyll before long before we were still in our relationship. I can't imagine. Very painful indeed. I was a difficult time to cope up with such a thing. What made it more painful was the fact that she answered the guy, just exactly the time I arrived in Dumaguete. SHE SHOULD HAVE WAITED FOR ME TO TALK THINGS OVER. I couldn't blame her with her decisions since I got flaws that she might base why she wants to broke up with me. Masakit talaga.

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1st monthsary... 2nd monthsary...

I miss those days and laugh out when I read my diaries about our sweet memories with Sharyl...

Now, though we are not that together but I know I I love her..

The night is getting heavier... hehehe

Will write again someday...

I cant imagine what happened to me this day.

I really want to cry.

Our final examinations were all done just yesterday. This morning, we had our post test in our rotation. Hours prior, I slept at 4 AM and woke up 8 AM. With just that ample amount of sleep, I was facing a not-so-good happenings during the rest of the day.

I was so hungry to death that I can really eat a cow.

I lost a watch that is worth thousands and I dont know what to do.

Same with my stay, I'm planning to relieve myself from the dorm and change to a boarding house. Needs packing up.

Clothes unwashed! Including undies!

Stressed! My motorcycle broke up! A lose nut was in the machine. I can't let my MC to be turned on. It might worsen the case!

My money is not enough for the weekend.

We nearly met an accident on our way to Bais!

My relationship with my dormate is subzero! Cold war!

I watched pursuit of happyness. I was able to relate and realize what had happened this day. I just can't imagine.

STILL, GOD is GOOD.

There was help; Marlon borrowed a jeep to bring my motorcycle to their house and let it repair.

Sharheyll was there through odds and evens.

Papa let his presence felt. He called me up.

GOD was there. HE doesn't leave HIS sheep!

This was week was just the beginning of our calvary classes. We had our unannounced quiz during the first meeting with our clinical instructor and badly, I didn't pass the quiz.

Every classes have their own distinct rotation. I was assigned in the Labor Room/Delivery Room in Negros Oriental Provincial Hospital where we assist pregnant women and take care of them. Last week including yesterday, we finished few of the many procedures to be done. Surgical hand scrub, final preparation and draping, initial care of the newborn and gown and glove technique were among the few. Thank God I was assigned in the morning shift. My duty time is from 7am to 6pm, Monday and Tuesday. Others were assigned 3pm until 11pm.

Last week, Papa was here in Dumaguete. He went to Cebu actually and decided to pass by Dumaguete in his way back home. He spent a night here. Well, during the first day, we were invited in a dinner at Bobong Dans residence in Motong. We spent the night at El Camino bar after with Sharheyll, Papa and Bobong.

I am really addicted with this internet of mine. At last, I have my own DSL connection in the dorm. I was just downloading mp3s.

Got to go! I'm hungry!

Since May 15, I've been living up the unusual part of me. This isn't me anymore. I came to be so quite, hold my hunger, my thirst and my temper. Moreover, I really can't understand myself anymore and I'm fed up living in this kind of situation. I'm leaving less than a week from now and it's really so absurd to leave when things weren't settled down. I don't really know what to do. I'm starting to live my life hiding from someone I don't want to see for the mean time. Just like what I said, "you really don't know me when I get mad."

Furthermore, I'll be having my final exam in my fine arts subject. I hardly can study because my mind is floating, thinking of something I must not. I need to concentrate on my study after I type this blog.

One more thing was this colds of mine. It's really bothering me. I need a dose of decongestant. My sinuses are tender. My eyes are teary.  I wish I could be well soon.

I lost my hunger last night! I want to shout!