I am so excited to have our own apartment and living a big girl life outside of New York. Ironic, since so many people move to New York to live out their twentysomething dreams. Seattle feels like my next evolution. It feels even more accessible than New York, probably because I don't have to deal with my parents' rules. It is such an interesting, vibrant place. We've spent the most time in the International District, which is only ten minutes away from us on the amazing light rail that opened up this summer. There is a massive Japanese supermarket called Uwajimaya, as well as a big Kinokuniya and numerous ramen shops. So I'm set.

I wasn't prepared for all the natural beauty here. The Cascade mountains line the horizon and I'm right by the Puget Sound. Seattle is surprisingly hilly, so there are amazing views everywhere.

I'm not up to writing a complicated entry yet, but for the most part, I'm happy here. My job orientation has got me crazy excited for working with these amazing, warm people for 10.5 months and I have learned so much about myself, leadership skills, and the challenges I will face this year. My first day at my elementary school is this Wednesday! I'll post again once I have a better sense of what I'll be doing there. :P

arms out and shirt flapping

he was chasing a magpie

trying to take flight

Still in a state of not-okay-yet and trying not to let my to-do list massively overwhelm me. The more I get done, the faster the list magically refills itself. Despite trying to take care of things to regain some sense of control in my life, I keep messing up in some way or pissing someone off. This medical bullshit is another case of something I should have handled better, but now it means more calls I have to make and forms to fax and maybe something will happen. I am sick of feeling angry and wound up.

I very much so want to get my shit together. I feel so much pressure to, hah, get things done, and it's not even like anyone in particular is on my ass about anything. Maybe I am too used to living under pressure? Can't I just like... be good at something, be a decent person, and relax? I really want that.

Buddhism saved me before, so I'm turning back to it now. I picked up a book on lovingkindness in New Orleans, and each word is like a drop of rain. I just need to remember that I have this all inside of me and I have brought myself out of far darker places before. So I will be okay.

I remember how those babies in the children's hospital would smile at me and fall asleep in my arms. My girls, who were so excited when I came to their rooms with schoolwork and begged me to stay. How that one girl and all her friends hugged me so tightly and happily when I helped their class plant zinnias for their garden. I did that.

A lot of it has to do with the negative backlash I've been feeling since leaving AmeriCorps. I desperately need to feel strong and independent again. I am determined not to act like a victim, as if the program did something to me. But now that I'm home, I can see how absurd so much of my thinking was, even though it was normal while I was in AmeriCorps. By that I mean, if I'm not happy or if I see problems, I'm the one who was at fault. I'm not being "positive" or "flexible" enough. True strength is plastering a smile on your face so you don't make anyone uncomfortable. Being honest or not wording yourself perfectly is an invitation to be judged. Making snap judgments of people is a recreational sport. No matter how hard I am trying to stay afloat, someone is fed up with me and has written me off. Writing people off is okay.

If I am supposed to be positive through adversity, let's at least admit that AmeriCorps was an adversity. I did not feel encouraged or supported, just determined to prove everyone wrong and hold onto the small group of people that I did feel honest and safe with. Before AmeriCorps, I was easygoing and dealt with anger in small, manageable doses. By the end, I was angry all the time, even in the back of my mind, and at some point, I quietly snapped. I didn't want to put one more drop of effort into people that looked down on me or could care less. I absolutely would not fake anything anymore, because someone was going to get annoyed with me no matter what I did. My instinctive reaction to still feeling angry and frustrated was to blame myself, as if that would fix anything. It is my fault I am not happy enough, or resilent enough, or strong enough.

While that may work for other people, I can't walk away from myself or write myself off as useless. I am going to start by acknowledging everything that I feel, and not worry about blaming or judging or having it be right or wrong. I DO feel angry. I am incredibly shaken that my first year after college has passed and I don't know what the hell happened. I am so angry at myself for not proving myself better, for being slow and unkind. There are so many ways I could have helped and inspired people. I am trying to feel better by telling myself that I tried my best, but that is just depressing. The truth is, I did. I did try my best, and I am disappointed by my best.

I want to be able to write that I learned from this all and I am smarter and stronger now. I want to write that for myself, and for you the reader, to get some satisfaction from my journey. But I can't, yet. So you'll have to hang in there with me. I know there is good in there for me to reflect on, but I'm not there yet. I still need to rant and feel shaken some more. If I try to rush it, it'll sound fake.

I need honesty, encouragement, time to truly go at my own pace, and real friends. I desperately want a community to belong to and flourish in, and AmeriCorps wasn't it. I am tired of the word love being thrown around by well-meaning people who only love within their own circle. I can't believe I came out of this year more distrustful than I was before.

FML.

I've spent most of this day digging through my stuffed suitcases and resigning myself to calling the bank and changing all my online passwords. Lesson: Less stuff, and less stupidity.

Gotta get out of bed
Get a hammer and a nail
Learn how to use my hands
Not just my head
I think myself in a jail
Now I know a refuge never grows
From a chin in a hand
And a thoughtful pose
Gotta tend the earth
If you want a rose

My life is part of the global life
I'd found myself becoming more immobile
When I'd think a little girl in the world
Can't do anything
A distant nation my community
And a street person my responsibility
If I have a care in the world
I have a gift to bring

I can't believe it's almost over. Even though I have been so ready to leave for months, this has become so much a part of my life that I've still been putzing around, keeping weird hours, and not feeling that separation at all. There is so much I need to do tomorrow!!

Transition week has been a few hours of outprocessing and meetings sprinkled in a mindless slog of room inspections and packing. That's all I really have to say about that. Going to Utah with Dani was though, as she said, the perfect ribbon to tie off this whole year. I think it was my first legit roadtrip, with our own little rental car and all, and it was a success. It has been a shame to have spent our year serving the Southwest region and have had little opportunity to properly enjoy the natural beauty here, aside from seeing the Rockies beyond the dining hall windows.

I will say this: thank god for being young, and being able to pack a week's worth of sightseeing into 1.5 days. We started driving Friday night and arrived in Moab, Utah around midnight. On the way, we were totally distracted by all the stars we could see through the windows, so we pulled into a sketchy truck resting area and got out to look at them. I can say this with little exaggeration--- there were more stars than night. The Milky Way arched from one horizon to the other, like a glittering white band. I have never seen it as more than a cloudy smudge before. We ended up sleeping in our car at a La Quinta parking lot to wait for the park to open in the morning. At 6am, we sat up, cleaned ourselves off at a gas station restroom and made our way to Arches National Park. We spent the entire day hiking and seeing most of the arches before blearily laying out at our campsite watching the stars.

It was amazing. My favorite part was when we stopped to rest by the Tapestry Arches. We could see them across a deep dried river bed and I suddenly knew that I had to try to get to the other side. So while Dani rested, I began crawling across, going off the main path, and finally made it up there. The whole day I had been moving far slower than Dani and getting tired of trailing behind. It was liberating to go at my own pace and do this awesome thing.

I am excited for the shock of leaving here. I know there's no way to anticipate it exactly and I am looking forward to that sudden realization, and whatever clarity may result from that blessed distance.