I just realized that I havent been blogging here. Hehe. Im sowee. Check out my xanga naman oh... please? www.xanga.com/jourdeegal Thanks! I'll be blogging there muna..

San ka pa? My mom just told me that I am grounded once school starts. Parties, soirees, even KATIPS for crying out loud.. are things that I will not experience during my LAST year as a highschool student. My mom's exact words: You've had 3 years to make up for your grades.. kaya this year.. dont even bother asking permission from me. No partys whatsoever for you. No Mcdo.. no nothing. Wow.. knowing that makes me excited for fourth year... NOT. I'm guessing that the last party ill be attending will be the back to school thing im helping Den with. Great. I so want a to have a time machine! That way... i could go back and 'unscrew' the things i ended screwing up. Damn it.

That's not the only thing I'm bummed about. Turns out.. more conflicts are happening between me and some of the people in my family. My uncle's mad at me.. because someone told them that I have been smoking my lungs out. Wow.. Hurray. I cant wait for my uncle to have a 'conference' with me. I'm also excited to know who told him.. i wanna make sure this person has the right motives against me.. OR ELSE. Hahaha. First of all.. I am not smoking my lungs out. It's a complicated story.. BUT.. I repeat, I AM NOT SMOKING MY LUNGS OUT. Geesh... some people need to learn how to shut their mouths. Specially when what theyre gonna say isnt right, anyway. After enrolling myself for fourth year, i thought my problems are over. I seriously thought that i'll have a hiatus of some sort from all the shit that's been going on. Only to find out that the worst hasnt happened yet. LIFE, OH LIFE. Lately, I have been spacing out... I've been SO lost with everything. I cant seem to do things right and nobody's had a decent conversation with me for the past few days. I want all these to enndd... i cant go on anymorrreeeee.

On a lighter note.. I cant wait for review classes to start. I have to wake up early everyday starting next week. Things are gonna be pretty stressful, but hey.. its gonna get me out of the house. I have to wake up at 6 am.. head to the driving range for golf training, after that.. I go to my review class.. then after that.. i go back to the driving range. Yay. Haha. Its pretty tiring but i'll take this anytime over a day stuck inside the house. Besides, Golf's working pretty well lately and I've been enjoying training, unlike last year. Time to hit some balls! Hahaha.

I need to fix things. A lot of things.

Just to let you know... I DID NOT WAKE UP FOR GOLF PRACTICE. Hahaha. Oh well. Anyway... about Den, Bianca, and I. Its funny cuz last night, we were laughing at the saddest things in the world. I just realized, that when you're out with friends that you really wanna be with, even problems are something to laugh about. Sex and the City DORK version ROCKS. Hahaha. Too bad Den left earlier than Bianca and I. She shouldve witnessed our Mcdo monologues. Hahaha.

Sex and the City DORK version; Episode 1; LETTING GO. Last night was spent laughing, fooling around, having fun... AND discussing things that only your beloved girlfriends could completely understand. Haha. LETTING GO... how exactly do you do this? Is it true that you can only let go once you have someone else as a replacement? According to the REAL Sex and the City... if you're with the guy for 4 years, it'll take you 2 years to get over. Expected time for letting go=[time spent lovin him][1/2]. But do things really work that way? Last night, I figured that love can be such a bad influence. Just like smoking, its so hard to quit. Just like drugs, hinahanap hanap mo. Just like drinking, even if the alcohol tastes bad, you'll still go for the shot. This is how it applies: It's over with him... but you just cant quit loving him. Its over and done... pero hinahanap hanap mo parin siya. Even if you know na wala ng chance, you're willing to go for it and take a last shot.

So how exactly do you do this? Please shed some light on us. Help the needy. Haha. But... i do think that dealing with this can be the same as to how you deal with smoking, drugs, and drinking. Slowly, you take it out of your system. The process is painful, cuz your body tends to look for these foreign entities. Your body got used to the intake of everything, that it longs for all those things you took in. BUT.. if you seriously want to quit, you've got to take all the pain, and fight that temptation of doing what you did before. After some time, youre bodys gonna get used to this 'new' lifestyle. Its a slow and painful process... but hey, life feels much better afterwards.

Who wants to help us research if PRAWNS can be used as an alternative for cigs? DEN, Bmatz, and I met up at Gweilos at Eastwood this evening. Den and I are planning this back to school gig and we're planning to get Gweilos as the venue. First we talk to some people at Gweilos, then off we go to Ipanema. Den ordered these shrimp shanghai whatevers and for some reason.. we wondered if there was something in shrimps that could possibly make you high. Hahaha. Go Den! We might just invent cigs that have shrimp extracts. We're gonna call them.. "SHRIMP YO". Haha. Our Tobacco line will be named "PRAWN YO". Hahaha. Gash.. even if we only spent like an hour and a half chillin, I had an awesome time. I wanna go out with these two girls again. We were like Sex and the City DORK version. Hahaha. But I got to say.. we all looked HOT. Not Paris Hilton hot, not Britney hot... simply DEN JOURD BIANCA kinda hot. Hahaha. Shux.. my head hurts. Haha. Maybe its from that conversation we had about love and shizz. All three of us share one thing in common. We are all trying to let go of guys we've loved for YEARS. I'm counting 3 years... Bianca's counting 5, and Den's counting 6. Damn... We have got to meet new people! Hahahaha. I'm sort of flippy [Den, Bea, its not the FLIPpy you're thinking of] right now.. and i cant seem to think properly. So imma continue writing tomorrow. I've got golf at 8 am.. so wish me luck. Haha. Hope I wake up, and I hope I could still swing tomorrow... I mean.. later. Umaga na pala. Haha.

Niggas and Biatches ROCK. Rarr. Haha. Ciao.

When too much is going on, and when I simply do not know what to do anymore... I try to pretend that nothing's wrong. I talk to my friends as if im perfectly fine, I reject my parents' accusations of me being a failure instead of accepting it, I lie about my problems, and I don't seek help from anyone. I'm starting to get tired of doin all this... i'm also sick and tired of waking up each day trying to hide the fact that I am messed up. In the past, I have found the courage to face my problems head on, but I took it for granted. I regret doing that because now that all my problems have piled up, there's no courage left in my system anymore. All that's left of me is a box of shame and a pile of regrets. I'm trying to fix the mess I made, but some people around me arent helping at all. The support I need just isnt there. I feel as if they just want to pull me down even more. Yes, i know i've done many wrong things, and yes i know i'm stupid, but can't you see that you're just making things harder? You're screaming out that I fix my life, and you're ruining me while at it. Sometimes, I wish that I could break free from all this. I want to leave all of these people behind, and come back when all the shit in my life are over and done with. That way, all they'll see is the "mess-proof" life of mine. That's what they want in the first place. It's hard to be with people who don't know how it feels when you're doing your best to fix things up but they just dont see it. Instead they discourage you some more and ruin you're attempt to mend all over again. I'm on the verge of quitting, but I just dont want to. Even if I quit, they wont understand. They'll just think I'm a failure even more. How I wish that I have my own time machine.. that way, I can go back where I messed up and change the way I dealt with things.

I'm sorry if I didnt turn out to be who you expected me to be. I'm sorry if I wasted your money, your time, and your dreams for me. All I ask is that we put the past behind us, and simply have faith in the future. Forgive for what I've done in the past, and BELIEVE that I can do better this time. You see, I feel as if I have this wound that wont ever heal. It's because I dont have the cure for it. You guys are just making it worse, you're not helping. I've been so scared to turn you down, that I got disoriented and got fucked up in the end.

I swear I want all this shit to end. Dont think that I'm liking this.. because for all you care... I hate every bit of it. ALL i'm asking is that you help me instead of bringing me down even more. Try to understand me, even if you think that all i'm saying is crap. Even the crappiest things hold meaning behind them. Only if you listen will you see that even crappy people like me have a point behind the crappy things we tell you.. ONLY IF YOU LISTEN.

I just llloovveee goin out with Den! There is not a dull moment when i'm with her. Hahaha. We call ourselves... NIGGAS... haha.. Self explanatory. Den and I were chatting last night and she told me that she wanted to go to Galle to check out strings for her guitar and to window shop. Since I knew I had nothin to do the whole afternoon the next day, i decided to come with her. We met sa school since we both needed to enroll ourselves. When Den and I are out together... expect that things get wild. Hahaha. From school we went to galle. First stop was Diesel, i think.. checked out shoes.. then off we go to Topshop. Gosh.. Den and I are a saleslady's nightmare. Hahaha. We wanted to try on some stuff and fool around. Den tried on these super cool slacks and we picked a shirt that DOESNT match the slacks. I picked a cute skirt and a weird jumper. Haha. Who wears jumpers nowadays?! After that we went to a couple more stores then we went to Hot Loops. We ate and chatted for about 30 minutes. After that we went to check out summer slippers then we went home narin. I'm excited to go to Gweilos on Friday... Den and I will be talkin to Tito Sancho [the owner] about makin Gweilos a venue for a gig were putting together. Hope Flip can come with us.. he owes Den Skateboarding lessons.. and he owes me, uhm.. wala lang.. he just owes me a night out. Haha.

Friggin Phone Calls.

Phillip was suppose to call me back. But I think he's sleepin already.. oh well. Poor guy needs to wake up at 5 am and its unfair for me to oblige him to call still. His Uncle called from the states so we had to put the phone down. I really want him to go to Gweilos with us on friday... he says he'll try.. but with his busy sched and all.. there's not much of a chance that he's gonna join us.  Oh well. He's been doin so many things... gym, badminton, and many other shizz. I always tease him that the reason why he goes to the gym is for him to look a lot more like Marc Nelson. Hahaha. He hates it when I say that. Hhhhaaayyy..  I wanna say something sana pero wag nalang.. Den knows. Haha. That's what we talked about the whole time! Anyway.. i'm really tired and i have to wake up early for Golf training then practice afterwards. Liz will be coming over tom! Yay. Hehe. Bestfriend bonding. Woopee.ü

Feels good to be back. I am beggining to love the sea.. BUT, I am beggining to hate my color as well. Haha. Oh well, its summer, and everyone's got the liberty to walk around with a tan, right? I must say though, that I do not have plans on hitting the beach within the next 2 weeks or so.. I want to stay clear of the beautiful sea as much as possible. Haha. I might over-do the tan.

Drinking moderately is dangerous to your health. Hahaha. I spent 2 nights and 2 days in Batangas once more. On the first night the "oldies" decided to sing the night away and drink. Since all my cousins were younger than I am, and I was left with no one to talk to, I agreed to join the company. It's funny watching your parents, aunts, uncles get themselves drunk. I enjoyed laughing at what they were doing as much as the marine life I saw on that trip. Haha. They did the same thing the second night, but this time no one got drunk 'cause we had to wake up early the next day for a boat ride to an island.

The beach gives me the temporary feeling of "peace" that i need. I enjoyed the island SO much. The weather was good, the water was awesome, and the sun wasn't showing that much so I dint get toasted. The only thing I dint like much was the jellyfishies [yeah, you have to say it like that. jellyfishies.]. There were like a hundred of them. Im scared of jellyfishies and this made snorkling a lil bit hard for me 'cause I panic when I see a jellyfishy swimming towards me. I end up scaring the fish away. The jellyfishies that were there were safe, but i still dont like them touching my skin or whatever. The kids were trying to make me hold them but I just cant. The fish on that spot we picked were pretty! I never went that close to a pretty fish in open water. After snorkling, we went back to the shore, and thats where my emotions started to get a hold on me. Haha.

Pretty Little Shells.

I never knew that shells could help you psychologically. Haha. While I was picking shells on the shore, I saw that Tita Apple [my aunt's sister in law. who happens to be SUPER cool. hehe] just kept on walking and looking at the shells but she never picked up a single piece. It was just weird cuz Ted and I already had a handful of shells but she had none. Apparently, Uncle Joseph [her brother, my aunt's boyfriend.] gave her an assignment. I personally call it the "Finding Lessons of Content Ashore Assignment" . Haha. Tita Apple asked me if I ever found myself going around the mall for more than 3 times already but still not having  done a single purchase. She told me that this happens to her all the time, and that the worst part is, she pressures herself and ends up buying something that she doesnt want. Uncle Joseph told her to walk the beach once[Meaning, she cant go back and forth the shore], and find ONE shell that she REALLY likes. The thing is, once she picks up a shell, it means that thats the one she likes. She cant drop it and look for a better one. I know it sounds silly and that it's a waste of time, but it's more than just a lesson in shopping that we learned. Many people are similar to what I am when picking shells on shore. I pick up pretty shell after pretty shell, never stopping because I always hope that the next 'pretty shell' I pick is better than the first one. I end up having so many shells, and nothing that I really want to bring home. For some reason, the "Finding Lessons of Content Ashore Assignment" made me think of what I'm doing with my life right now. I set my mind on doing something but end up not achieving my goal all the time. It's because, in the process of completing what i have to do, I see something else, 'something better', causing me to stop what it is I am currently doing. I set my mind on a 'better thing' and end up doing the same crap I did the last time. I'm never content. Instead of liking a shell for it's pretty colors and patterns, what I take notice of is the little crack it has on the bottom. I throw this shell away, and start looking for one that doesnt have a crack. I end up finding one, but this time, one corner is chipped off. AGAIN, i search for a prettier shell. This goes on and on. I just realized that the reason why I've been messing up, getting heartbroken, etc... is because of my fear of facing what's wrong in a situation, or in the case of love, what's wrong with that person. If only I held on to what I had before, instead of letting them go, I wouldve been happier. If only I didnt make myself believe that there's always something better to find out there, maybe I wouldnt curse life as much as I do in the present. Such thoughts swim in my head as I watch the waves crash on shore. And until now, It's as if I'm still stuck on that shore, thinking which shell I'll bring home. It made me thing of a lot of things... BUT... it's this one thing that made me think harder....

Thrown chances.

What are the chances of finding a shell again, after you threw it away? With the wide spread of sand, and the thousands of shells lying there, I think its pretty hard to catch a second glimpse of that same shell. I believe that it's the same with love... once you've thrown it away, it's hard to get it back. The "uncontent" thing comes in here... you see, i've been so stupid that I have the same mentality when it comes to love. The mentality I'm talking about is the 'not being content' thing. After what I learned on the beach this morning, I want to change the way I deal with things... specially when it comes to love. I've thrown so many chances away and now, I realized that I want it all back. Too late for me... so much for being stupid, Jourd. But right now, all I can do is wait and see if he's coming back. I'll be a shell on the beach.. and he'll be a guy looking for shells. Hopefully I'm the one that catches his eye again. And hopefully he'll say the same thing I did once he picks me up from the sand... "Thank God I found you again."

When you happen to zoom quezon avenue late at night or early in the morning, notice those innocent citizens waving at cars that pass by? Wala lang. Wave back at them.

Wrong move, jourd. Next time, do not stay up till 6:20 in the morning when you have a recurring headache. AND.. next time, learn how to light up the stove so that you do not have to wake up the yaya at 3 am just to cook pancit canton. Haha. It was all Pierre's fault [Chuckie's kabarkada] that i stayed up til 6 am. We played fight night from 12 to 2 am, and then went up stairs na to sleep. So much for trying to cut some slack, we ended up going down again to eat pancit canton. We cooked 5 packs since we thought Chuckie was gonna eat with us. Pierre and I ended up eating all the pancit canton, and damn.. it didnt feel good. Haha. We decided to surf channels on the kitchen TV. After watching NBA, Myx, and the Hallmark Channel, we were left with nothing but HBO [currently airing How to Deal]. We made fun of the movie just to keep ourselves awake. My grandfather woke up and was sort of startled to see us watching TV that early in the morning. Haha. Pierre left the house around 6:15 'cause his car was coded so he needed to race the streets before it reaches 7 am. I slept till 10 am because i needed to get ready for a dental appt. So of i go to the dentist at 11, got home by 12 with new pink bands on my brackets. I slept around 2 pm, woke up with a worse headache at 5. The headache has been torturing me since then.

Yay. Complete na ang starlets. wahaha. Everyone's got an account na.

Hi Gee! Gayahin mo kami ni Vea... dito namin nilalabas ang lahat ng sama ng loob. O san ka pa.. yang mga user ID's niyo sakin nanggaling. Hahaha. Kapal.

Thanks for always bein here for me! Love yah much!