I am upset and angry in so many ways. I lay in bed last night organizing them. Prioritizing them. Cause hell I know I can't do anything straight if I don't know the difference between them. But I just lay there. I couldn't cry even if I wanted to.

Some people are able to say whats on their mind. Bad or not, that's just who they are. But I was taught to think things through. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. So I'm always thinking. I word everything in my mind before saying anything. Always wanting to say the right thing. I really believe that if you don't have anything nice to say than don't say anything at all. That's me. As good as some of you may think that is, I find it that I never really say what's on my mind and I feel like I'm my own prisoner. I feel at fault for so many things that are happening right now.

How do I choose the right words to say without hurting anyone and without being controlled over my own actions? How do I make things right? With everything going as far as they have, is there any right anymore? I envy my sister for speaking her mind. But I am also upset because she hurt someone I loved too. I am upset that as a father, he would say such things to his daughter. Maybe love has nothing to do with it? It is her life. There are some things I will never truly understand. Maybe that's what bothers me. No matter how wrong things have turned out, it's the love I have for my family that has me in the situation that I am in. Because I love them all. Whatever they have said, however they have hurt and wrong me, I love them all. And it just hurt so much that I couldn't do anything about what has happened.

I so wanted someone to tell me how to feel. But telling me not to be sad just wasn't it. Because that's all I feel.

"You don't know what it's like to be me." Hear that before? Yeah... a lot. We all have our life story. It's funny how we all try to be different from each other when we're really just pretty much all the same. We create ourselves growing up. We try to be unique... different... one of a kind.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Something is getting to me and I don't know what it is. I'm thinking it's this and it seems to be something else. Only I find out that that's not it too. I'm frustrated.

I've said a lot with my sister and my friend. I wanted to come here and vent too but I can't seem to get much out. I'm thinking things over and over in my head. Wondering what my best option is. What's right and wrong. Who I am and what matters to me. So I'm stuck. Just thinking everything all over in my head... not getting anywhere, no answers.

I feel selfish for thinking this. But I feel like I've put my life on hold for my dad. I've been thinking, my life can wait. His health isn't getting any better and I sure don't want to regret not being there. And I feel selfish again for wanting to leave him. He's said some things that hurt me deeply. He's said some things that are deeply wrong. I look at this from every side. He's my father, I'm his child. He loves me no matter what. He's only looking out for me. I should appreciate him... etc.

I know all of that. I know how he is. How his mind works. How he can be so traditional sometimes. But he doesn't know me. He doesn't care to know me. Cause sooner or later, I'll be married off to someone and I will no longer be part of his family.

For the past month, I've been getting these calls from a number I didn't know so I never picked up. Two days ago, I thought the call was from someone else and pick up but it was him. He's still pretty much the same from what I can remember. He reminds me of my older brother. Which isn't a good thing.

I took a trip through memory lane. He talked mostly of how I was back then, quiet and shy and how I seem different now. Nowadays, I prefer the word reserved. I thought it was very sweet how he still remember my favorite color. I remember nothing about him. I had to ask how old he was.

I've been thinking about him. It's not good for me to know people because then I start to worry about them. I barely know this guy but I feel like I knew him at one point in my life. Even though during that time, I was still very young. He seems sad and I feel like I want to make him happy. But I know that I can't do that for him and it makes me a little sad.

I can't really say the same for mine. Though I know we've been through quite a journey together. We've grown up with each other and grown up within ourselves. Some days, the relationship just takes so much out of me that I want to call it quits.... again. But I'd like to believe that we bring out the best in each other.

We're humans, so we're bound to regret one or a few things in life. After my mom passed away, my regret was that I didn't spend enough time with her. After she passed, I was hard on myself for the things I ignore when she was still here. Like when I raised my voice at her when I was frustrated because I didn't get enough sleep in the hospital. When I told her I'll be right back but didn't. When I heard her calling me but ignore her instead because I was so tired. So many things...

I promise myself that I won't make those kind of regrets anymore. So my familiy became my priority. My life is family and work. I figure that when I die, I would know in my heart that I have tried my best for them, that I have given my all and I would die peacefully.

So I don't know why I'm crying. Why I would want something that would not matter when I'm in my deathbed or why I feel empty. Maybe I'm jealous that the people I care for doesn't feel the way I do and the pressure is just too much? Maybe it's because I know that the person I'm caring for will never acknowledge what I've done because I'm not his son? Maybe it's because I have no life outside work and family as I watch everyone enjoy life. Maybe... I just need time for myself.

If I had the time for myself, what would I do?

She cries her silent tears again. What the world don't see, the world won't know. She smiles again, she's good. She sleeps, she forgets.

I am sorry that I am just not enough. I don't know when I will ever be done with trying to please everyone else. It's become a part of who I am that when I am done making someone else happy, I find someone else that I can make happy. People's happiness has become my own happiness. Knowing that I've made someone's life a little happier, makes me feel a little happier. But some days, it's just too much when it's never enough. What about me?

Alone time. Time out. Me time. I don't know what that's like. Pampering myself would be getting 8 hours of sleep. I don't care about a lot of things, especially things that I could do without. So how do I go about treating myself something?

I shouldn't complain. This is just me. I'll be better tomorrow.

I've found someone that may be worth my time to give. Our relationship is quite complicated, given our history together. Through his flaws, he is a good guy. No one is perfect.

Here's to us and you, for a more than good year!