Whenever I feel happy about something, I can't help but think of 'what ifs'. The thing is, those what ifs are bound to destroy the very thing that makes me happy. But it's something that is like nature to me. It's like I was born to crave for something that I know I shouldn't even be thinking of.

I let go of him already, for the umpteenth time. Yet, whenever I get the chance to have a glance or peek at his profile, I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to be with him instead. I always end up getting my phone, texting him, even flirting with him sometimes, which is totally, totally wrong, yet somehow, feels right. He doesn't mind that I text him messages once in a while, but he doesn't let his girlfriend know about it, the same way my boyfriend is totally clueless about us texting. I can't help it but I find myself missing him. Just seeing his name on my phone makes me happy. Eventually, I came to realize that it's not the same anymore. I'm no longer madly in-love with him. I just miss his presence. The way he makes me smile, makes me laugh, wakes me up at about 11 in the evening only to tell me that he feels cold, texting me while he's on the field to tell me it's cold outside, to tell me he's near Makati. I miss him. Period.

I know it's not wrong to miss somebody, but missing him makes me do stupid things. Like text him almost everyday, looking at his profile every chance I get, sending IMs. It's like an addiction that eventually brings back former feelings, feelings that have already been buried, feelings of like, of love. I shouldn't be like this. It's unfair.

I tried to look at his profile today. I stared at the pictures of him and his girlfriend. There's still that familiar twinge, but no more ripping. It's like poking myself but it isn't that painful anymore. Looking at them makes me appreciate the way my boyfriend takes care of me, that thanks to him, I have met my boyfriend, someone that I'm so compatible with, to the point of perfection. Well, almost.

One of the lines that caught me in a movie once was 'whenever you love somebody, they become a part of you even if they're already gone'. I've come to a point where I'm no longer bitter or resentful to what happened between us. I can honestly say that I am happy for him. I also am very thankful that he became a part of my life. Eventhough things didn't work out for the two of us, I'm  happy that for about 6 years of my life, he was the one who made me wake up and sleep with a smile on my lips, who gave me my kilig moments, my romantic and hilarious dreams, my first blushes with love. But most of all, I'm thankful that he was the one who taught me how to love.

It all started out when I found out my vocalist friend has a gig very near our house. I decided to tell my sister and cousin about it. My sister tried to talk my father into permitting us to go, and, as if by some miracle, he agreed.

On the concert venue, I was having second thoughts if I should go in or not. I was reluctant to pay for the ticket (which was obviously overpriced). Anyhow, a van soon arrived and I got a chance to see him, my vocalist friend. The next thing I know, I was already handing out money to the girl in charge of the tickets. In another minute, I was already inside.

It was bad enough that the bands who were playing were amateurs. What made it worse was the fact that we were standing in the middle of the venue, surrounded by about a hundred of JJs. And to add to that, the JJs kept bugging us, maybe because they noticed we were not 'one of them'.

We waited for about 2hours, watching the JJs strut their trademark moves. I was desperate, not to mention worried sick, because I still haven't had a glimpse of my vocalist friend. When it was finally their turn on the stage, the JJs started to come alive again and we were shooed to the sides. I wasn't even sure if my vocalist friend saw us even though our position was very strategic and very conspicuous, not to mention we were wearing white tops. He kept glancing our way but that didn't make me believe he actually saw us. (Mental note: wear contact lens whenever there's an event. Damn it!)

Ingenuity (or sheer desperation) struck me, I went to the bathroom to wait for them to pass by. I had my cousin set as the look out. The bouncers were annoying her but she just insisted that she was just waiting for someone. 3 songs later, he passed by. It was like Bora once again, this time, only better.

The bouncers were shocked when they saw him and I chatting. "Magkakilala sila?", asked one of the bouncers, the one who kept bugging my cousin. I was like, 'Hell, yeah!'.

I asked if we could take pics, had some chat, then he went upstairs to meet with his bandmates. When he went down, he was greeted by a lot of fans, some of them JJs. After the photo op, I thought he was about to leave already since they still had another gig to rush to. He, however, stayed by my side for a while, had another chitchat, took another photo, and then he took off.

Not exactly as I expected, but our meeting presented a lot of options for me. To be faithful or to be happy? Tough choice...

Case 1: Last Wednesday, I spoke to a certain Mohan Gumatay. He bought a nw ticket but with a cx flight to hkg. He was using a cellphone so I was in a rush to get his ticket rebooked. And a small commotion started forming right behind my back. My co-agents were talking about having spoken to Mo Twister. And the agent behind my back said, "Mohan" yung name. I was like, 'f*ck!'. It's bad enough that the passenger is using cellphone, now I have to worry about him getting pissed off if I put him on hold too long. Soon, enough, my co-agents noticed that I was rebooking his ticket. They were like, "Naku! Siya yan! Ayusin mo 'yan, baka kung anong masabi sa'tin pag hindi mo inayos 'yan." Eventually, I was able to rebook his ticket, and he told me he'll drop by the counter either Friday or Saturday. When i finished the call, my friends were like, "Sana pinabati mo kami on-air." Whatever!

Case 2: This afternoon, my father decided that I commute. In line for the shuttle, the guy in front of me was acting really strange. He kept on staring at every girl that passed. And he looked at me twice. The thing is, he just doesn't look at your face, he looks at you from head to foot. But me being the good girl that I am, I always give the guys the benefit of the doubt. I just told myself that I wished I wouldn't be seated next to him. But my wish didn't come true. It was bad enough that the shuttle was jampacked, but with a guy trying to stick his elbow in your boobs is just aarrgghhh!! The nerve! He was also pretending to be asleep while he was doing his dirty deed. Like hello?! Whoever sleeps while edging his elbows onto someone else's chest, and whenever I try to shove it off, he just keeps on trying to pull off the move again. That bastard!

Case 3: Norms, Glacie and I are the newbies in the office. And being neophytes, some agents just can't help but be tooooo nice to us. Eventually, we made codes to hide the identity of our fellow agents. The good thing with our system is that it allows you to 'chat' with your co-agents. So, we made good use of that feature. Whenever there isn't any call, we chat and chat until another call comes in. Yesterday, however, Glacie sat on a different station. I asked for her station code. I sent a message to her but unfortunately, I got the wrong address. My message was sent to one of the counter agents. As if that wasn't bad enough, I actually typed in "masungit na naman si ipis ngayon." Now, they keep on bugging me to reveal who ipis is. They even threatened to spread the word that the three of us are using codes for our officemates. Yikes!!!

I could sure use a break. Can't wait for my vacation leave on 26 and 27.

And to top it all off, we went back to UP to finish our night with a round of beer. I'm not really fond of pilsen but I'm not one to complain either. haha..

The thing I like best when we have a drinking sesh is when we start getting tipsy and all our inhibitions slowly fade away. That's when the fun starts. And that's when I usually start blabbering nonstop. 

I ended up having a sleepover at Agatha's. Not that we actually had this planned, but when you start getting text messages with curses from your father, you start thinking "maybe I shouldn't go home tonight". And that's where Agatha comes in. Thanks a lot friend!

I just realized that it's a good thing to keep track of my older brother's crushes. We had a bet last night on who is the lead actress in 'A lot Like Love'. Toj actually thought it was Demi Moore, and I took advantage of that. haha.. I knew it from the start that it was Amanda Peet, although I forgot her name last night. But since Toj lost the bet, another date is on the way, with free DQ ice cream cake on the menu. 

One thing though... it's when the alcohol gets in your system that things start to get fussy. And I'm not really good at that. So let's just leave it as it is. I hope. 

What I've Done in UP

[x] Got worried about getting bullied by fratmen or getting killed in a riot.
[ ] Got bullied by fratmen or was killed in a riot.
[ ] Witnessed a riot.
[x] Watched the Oblation Run. (Accidentally. Although plano naman talaga namin, di ko naman alam na magkakatotoo pala.)
[x] Made friends with a teacher.
[ ] Was tricked as a freshman into attending a rally / prayer meeting.
[ ] Wore red or black on one of those wear red or wear black days.
[ ] Wore red on Valentine's Day.
[x] Wore black on Valentine's Day. (Malamang. Black and white naman madalas na color ng damit ko.)
[ ] Celebrated a birthday at Mang Jimmy's.
[x] Learned UP Naming Mahal.
[ ] Was an RA (registration assistant) or SA.
[ ] Lied or begged to an RA for a slot in class.
[ ] Participated in a there's-only-one-more-slot-are you-feeling-lucky?
[ ] Jogged around the campus. (Na-try ko lang maglakad, yung tipong 30 mins kang naglalakad nang walang definite na patutunguhan.)
[x] Visited the Vargas Museum.
[x] Knew at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name.
[x] Attended university level graduation.
[x] Got an activist for a teacher.
[ ] Watched a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game.
[ ] Watched a UP vs. any school basketball game.
[x] Studied in CASAA. (Sa haba ng break ko nung freshie, dun na ko nagpapalipas ng oras. Loser. haha...)
[ ] Studied in McDonald's or Jollibee Philcoa for one full night and bought just one regular-sized drink.
[ ] Studied along Katipunan.
[ ] Studied along Katipunan and affected the mannerisms of a stereotypical Atenean.
[ ] Watch a play that's not required for Comm III.
[x] Went stargazing. (Sa Hundred Islands, for 111, together with Agatha. With matching falling star pa, at nag-wish kami. haha...)
[x] Ate in Chocolate Kiss, Tea Room (in CHE) or Chateau Verde. (15Feb07, Chocolate Kiss, at kelangan tanda yung date? haha... With my 'other' special someone kasi...)
[ ] Slept in the lib.
[ ] Struck up a conversation with a taong grasa.
[ ] Wrote to/for the Collegian.
[ ] Seriously pondered about the identity/ies of the people described in Eksenang Peyups.
[ ] Went to the chapel.
[ ] Got a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers while walking in Sunken Garden. (Di ko pa na-try bumaba ng Sunken Garden. Loser. haha..)
[ ] Cut class with your block to watch a movie.
[ ] Had a Voltes V for a teacher.
[ ] Took a class under Joseph Palis.
[ ] Lied to the transcript lady to get a transcript earlier than the standard 3 months.
[ ] Went to a Freshman-only concert.
[ ] Subsisted on just streetfood (fishballs, half footlongs, kwekwek, squidballs/rolls, mais, dirty ice cream) for a day.
[ ] Learned how to smoke.
[x] Went on an out-of-town trip with blockmates or orgmates.
[x] Fell in love. :blush:
[ ] Actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib.
[x] Played cards during your free time. (Bluff!!! oh c'mon!)
[x] Dressed in business attire.
[ ] Sumabit sa jeep.
[ ] Got sung to or sung to someone in class during Valentine's day.
[x] Watched the Lantern Parade.
[x] Helped out a total stranger.
[ ] Helped out a total stranger because he/she was hot.
[ ] Learned to stay awake for more than 24 or 48 hours straight. (Hindi ko kinakaya ang 24hrs straight. Hanggang 23hrs lang.)
[ ] Got bullied by fratmen and feeling cool wannabe people who were actually losers.
[x] Took Wednesday and/or Sat classes WILLINGLY. (Especially my Tour144 and Tour175 classes na sobrang minahal ko.)
[ ] Volunteered for the pahinungod.
[ ] Ate "tasteless white sauce" pasta from cock-a-noodle-doo. (Di ko na-try ang 'white sauce', puro red sauced pata kasi inoorder ko.)
[x] Got a boyfriend/girlfriend. (Kinda. haha...)
[x] Took time to read the vandalism in the CR
[ ] Watched a sexy art film for any GE class.
[ ] Got held up or pickpocketed. (Almost. Three times. But they failed.)
[x] Felt depressed because you were not as good academically as you were in high school. (Pero okay na rin kasi hindi naman sabaw ang image ko nung college.)
[x] Did a last minute paper.
[ ] Had spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures.
[x] Got exempted from final exams.
[ ] Got exempted from a final exam but still took it.
[ ] Attended a varsity pep rally.
[ ] Watched LIVE AIDS, Androgyny, Maskipaps or any well-known variety show.
[ ] Promised to quit smoking.
[ ] Got into at least one (org- or council-sponsored) adventure race.
[x] Knew where the best restrooms are on campus. (
[x] Joined an org.
[x] Allowed yourself to make mistakes.
[ ] Went to the gym in spite of having no PE class just to ogle varsity players/cute boys.
[x] Took summer classes.
[x] Admired the Oblation.
[x] Made a video for a project. (Kahit hindi project, for fun lang.)
[x] Had a crush on a teacher. :blush:
[ ] Had a teacher who had a crush on/tried to court you.
[ ] Attended your ROTC Bivouac.
[ ] Faked sickness to get an absence excused.
[ ] Got your car scratched by one of those "Kuya bantayan ko kotse niyo" kids.
[x] Took a PE class where you had to pay for tuition (i.e. sportsclimbing, ten pin bowling, scuba diving, etc).
[x] Went to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes.
[ ] Learned how to use the Bayantel pay phones.
[x] Participated in school activities.
[ ] Caught the UP Pep Tryouts.
[x] Dated someone from UP. (Technically.)
[x] Rode an IKOT and TOKI.
[x] Found a tambayan.
[x] Went drinking at Sarah's. (At 10 in the morning. With matching cutting classes pa!)
[ ] Learned how to beg for a higher grade.
[ ] Used your 6 allowable absences wisely.
[ ] Lived in a dorm.
[ ] Volunteered to be beadle or go-to guy for your group / class.
[x] Had the worst schedule. (Second year, second sem. Hell talaga.)
[x] Realized that there really is just one coconut tree on the sunken garden
[x] Not used up all 6 allowable absences.
[ ] Ate in ISSI, Treehouse, Mama Thai's and other more obscure cafeterias.
[ ] Ate food Aristocart-style.
[x] Is active in your org. (Dati, before nung last term.)
[x] Attended an ACLE.
[ ] Got as many app forms as you can during the job fair.
[x] Learned how to cram.
[ ] Sold tickets for (or watched) an org-sponsored movie/premiere.
[ ] Saved money to Xerox all of your seatmate's notes.
[ ] Had accidentally seen a make-out session.
[ ] Slept in class.
[x] Finished a homework/assignment/paper in the Shopping center or Philcoa.
[x] Had mountains of "unused" sample exams and/or old testaments. (Until now, nakatago pa yung iba.)
[x] Resolved to be "better this semester".
[x] Slept during a test. (Marine Science. As in nakatulog talaga ako! Essay kasi yung exam.)
[x] Had groupmates from hell. (hmm... pwede bang example yung Tour153? Except for Melai.)
[x] Learned how to work with groupmates from hell.
[ ] Perfected the art of parking on campus.
[ ] Had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus.
[x] Developed a love for sisig. (Many thanks to Gaor and our food trippin' every Tuesdays and Fridays.)
[ ] Practiced those UP cheers in the first meeting for PE class.
[ ] Looked at microfilms in the library or poked through archives.
[x] Reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function.
[ ] Attended the UP Fair.
[x] Went to a library other than your own college's to research.
[ ] Lost a perfectly functioning umbrella.
[x] Used consultation hours properly.
[ ] Went to the Guidance Office for real, heart-to-heart guidance.
[ ] Went to the infirmary.
[ ] Attended class with a hangover.
[x] Drink beer or alcohol while inside UP grounds. (Tour181, but with consent of our prof naman dahil bar yung report namin.)
[x] Walked all the way to Philcoa or Katipunan from UP. (All the way to Sta. Lucia pa 'kamo!)
[ ] Buy frogs from NSRI or a Bio department.
[ ] Maxed out on the 6 allowed unexcused absences but DID NOT drop.
[ ] Got invited or pursued by a sorority or fraternity.
[x] Wore slippers to school. (naman!)
[ ] Had a professor who smoked in class.
[ ] Got diagnosed by the Infirmary as pregnant or infected with STD.

how can you shrug off an idea or a statement that you've always wanted to hear, especially when you know it's only a joke?

"na-miss kita..."

how can you tell if one is lying about his feelings or not?

"kung talagang tayo, dapat sa huli magiging tayo"

how can you deprive yourself of the dream that you've always had, even if you already know it can never happen?

"huwag. unfair sa kanya."

how can you tell him, 'how about me? is life being fair to me? i love you and we both know that you love me but something is keeping us apart. how's that for fairness?'

how can you dream of something knowing that if that dream of yours comes true, a lot of people will be hurt? how can you let go of a person that you have loved for almost all of your life? how can you stop yourself from falling for someone that you know is worth risking everything and yet values you as a last resort?

but mostly, how can you stop loving the very guy whom you have always dreamed of, knowing he already has someone, and that you also have someone, and yet, just the slightest hint or a mere coincidence reminds you of the very thing that you have been wishing for all your life?

• upcoming Travel Expo at the Mall of Asia. i soooo want to come, but the only available slot is from 3pm-9pm. kumusta naman?!
• i want to visit UP, if only just to see someone. *blushes*
• i want to watch a movie, i soooo need to unwind.
• been missing my friends for quite some time already. wonder when the next get-together will be?
• i miss the booze. maybe i should drop by Lheng's house when Agatha's there so we can have a drinking session.
  
• hadn't heard a peep from my HS friends. wonder what's up with them?
• am still bothered by my former SO. still having daydreams as to how we will bump into each other.
• am still 'shaken up' by those two guys. wonder when indifference will set in.
• i want to go to bora!!!
  
• i miss my kuya, and am so looking forward to my havaianas (which according to my kuya is only worth usd8 in Brazil), and my laptop.
• am reminded by the moment when i actually cried because i cared so much about one of the BTR people. i wonder why that thought haunts me.
• i miss having conversations with the 'mean girls'. i have no one to talk to when it comes to bashing people, and that hobby of our is starting to haunt me.
• im so not doing well with some of my officemates. but what the hell, that's life...

day of interview, october 19, 2pm ang schedule ko. at dahil kabisado ko naman ang sikip o luwag ng daan depende sa oras, umalis ako ng bahay ng 11:30. kung tama ang kalkulasyon ko, nasa Makati dapat ako ng 1:00-1:15, maaga sa scheduled interview. kaya lang, hindi ko namalayan ang petsa...

pagliko ng fx sa may ortigas ave., nagulantang ako sa haba ng pila ng sasakyan. ito yung tipo ng congestion na na-experience ko noon sa katipunan pagtuntong ng 6:30 am. noon kasing wala pang u-turn slots, pag inabot ka ng 6:30 sa terminal ng katipunan, paniguradong late ka na sa 1st subject mo dahil priority ng mga traffic enforcer ang pagpapadaan sa mga patungong Ateneo. anyway, dahil nga isang mahabang kalye ang ortigas ave., wala akong nagawa kundi maghintay. sabi ko, maaga pa naman. i can spare about 30 minutes.

natapos ang 30 minutes, nasa ortigas ave. pa rin kami. hindi na ko natutuwa.

pagdating malapit sa may Megamall, tsaka ko lang naalala. 3-day sale ng Megamall, at may on-going construction pa. kaya pala congested. perfect timing!

1:15, nakatuntong din ako ng mrt. sabi ko, kaya pa. mga 10-15 minutes lang, nasa buendia na ko.

kaya lang... pati sa buendia, congested. alangan namang lakarin ko! hintay ulit.

pagbaba ko ng jeep, tawid ako. eksakto namang nagsimulang bumuhos ang ulan. labas ako ng payong. sige lang ang lakad kahit medyo malayo ang building at nababasa ang slacks (at stockings) ko.

pagpasok ko, nag-fill-out ng form kay manong guard. buti na lang may nakasabay pa kong mag-eexam. buti na lang talaga!

pag-upo namin, di pa man nakaka-isang minuto yung likod ko sa pagkakasandal eh tinawag na kami for the exam. kami na lang pala hinihintay, nauna na yung iba. kung nahuli pa ko ng isang minuto eh baka hindi na ko pinakuha ng exam dahil sa aking tardiness.

kung sino lang yung papasa sa exam, siya lang mai-interview. kampante lang ako. exam lang naman. karamihan pa sa mga tanong, tungkol sa math. ipinagdasal ko sana konti lang kaming pumasa.

lumabas yung results, pasado kami lahat. akyat kami for the interview. 5 kami, 2 lang kaming fresh grad, lahat may experience na. naisip ko, lugi nanaman ako.

nalaman ko na lang, may next batch pa pala ng applicants, di lang kami. dagdag kumpetisyon pa!

sumunod na biyernes, tinawagan ako. tanggap daw ako. pumunta daw ako ng office for the requirements for employment.

nagsimula akong mag-ayos ng papers. pumunta ako ng baranggay hall, walang tao, nagla-lunch daw. babalik daw ng ala-una. tumingin ako sa relo ko, 1:15 na. bumalik kami ng 1:45, may mga officials na. kaso, habang inaayos yung papers ko, nakikipag-chikahan si madam.

paglabas ko ng baranggay hall, nagbibilyar naman si kuya. hinintay kong matapos. naatraso nanaman ako.

nagpunta kami sunod sa municipal hall. ayos na sana kasi mabilis yung pagkuha ng requirements, ang problema, si kuya police clearance. pagpasok ko, may 3 nang naghihintay. okay lang sana kasi medyo mabilis naman yung pag-asikaso niya. kaso, bago sakin, si ate caregiver muna (pasensiya na, wala akong maisip na pangalan). at ewan ko ba dito ke kuya police clearance, aba'y nilalandi si ate caregiver! nagpapa-cute! hindi ko na lang pinansin kasi akala ko sandali lang. aba, sabi ba naman:

"ah, tapos na pala yung requirements mo for travel abroad. akala ko kasi hindi pa. tuturuan sana kita."

talaga naman si kuya! at nung natalsikan siya ng alipato (?) ng welding na hindi namin alam kung paano nakapasok, aba'y nag-inarte! nag-iikot, sinilip yung pader, sinilip yung aircon. kulang na lang eh silipin niya rin yung mga nagwe-welding sa labas. gusto ko sanang sigawan ng "kuya, baka naman pwede mong bilisan. hindi lahat may disposable time tulad mo."

diretso kami ng munisipyo sa kabilang-kabilang bayan. at dahil sa naatrasong oras sa pagsipot ng mga baranggay officials, sa pagbibilyar ni kuya, sa pagpapacute ni kuya police clearance, at sa pagtingin ni kuya sa flowershop, ay na-late kami ng 10 minutes sa pagdating sa munisipyo. napagsaraduhan ako! and to think na 3:30 pa lang ng hapon. hindi ba 8 to 5 ang pasok! bat 3:30 pa lang eh sarado na?! kailangan ko pa tuloy bumalik sa lunes dahil half-day lang daw sila bukas.

at dahil mahal ako ng kuya ko, binigyan niya ako ng remembrance ng araw na ito. meron akong tila thumb print sa may lower right leg. napaso sa tambutso ng motor. ang dahilan ng pagkapaso? tumigil kami sa flowershop para bilhan niya ng bulaklak ang girlfriend niya. sabi niya, tumayo ako sa tabi ng motor. pag-atras ko, eksakto naman sa tambutso. ayun, may bago akong birthmark. hindi na ko pwedeng mag-skirt...

pero okay lang, at least natanggap ako at may work na. finally...

*******

nagalit din sa'kin yung friend ko. *sigh*

Bakit mahirap umaching ng di mapipikit ang mata?

Bakit di magalaw mag-isa yung pinakamaliit na daliri sa paa?

Bakit di makahikab nang nakasarado ang bibig?

Na-curious ako dun sa pangalawang tanong kaya sinubukan ko. Ipinagawa ko din sa nanay at 2 kapatid ko. Lahat sila, di nila magawa.

Eh ba't ako, nung sinubukan ko, nagawa ko? Parehong paa pa nga eh! Di naman siguro abnormal 'un noh?

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a dream slowly fading into reality. It was him, my former significant other. The dream meant a lot of things to me, especially nowadays when his birthday is fast approaching. I still find myself fumbling, even his mere presence sends shivers and jitters through my whole system.

The feeling I have inside is intensified by the fact that we saw each other last reunion but was not able to exchange even a single glance. I tried so hard so my boyfriend would not find out how uncomfortable I was feeling, but deep inside, I was having trouble fighting my emotions.

His birthday is drawing near, and I really, really want to go out of my way just to let him know that I’m still here, waiting. And somehow, that dream of mine just creates thoughts, what-if scenarios, and a lot of questions. If only I could ask him personally. If only we could end this chapter and have all my questions finally answered.