And now this incarnation has to end, along with everything that was a result of the choices of this lifetime.

Still, a rose is as perennial as the seasons that govern our lives. Now that the pattern comes to a close, let me just say one thing.

I will never die. And farewells are different from goodbyes.

===

For you:

You will remember, for it is in remembering that we learn to accept. I am sorry that what we had only lasted for a while, but now, know that this is the ultimate quietus by which we stand. You know who you are.

For you:

I am sorry it came to this, but we are forever unbound from the destinies of each other. I am sorry, here, I whisper it now. But try no more, for your seeking will only end in vain.

And for you:

Death never is justified, nor is it any justification. I hope that you are happy now. What we shared two lifetimes ago ends here, for I have finally, finally, finally learned and accepted that you love me no more. Still, I will wait for you somewhere in that bridge across time and forever.

===

And now I leave this chapter of my life again, for I do not know now if I still have the strength to write.

Lord, have mercy on my soul, for this is the rapture that I've been wanting.

===

Goodbye.

I do not expect you to understand me any more than I do understand myself. But that is the downfall of man, yes? To presume and assume and consume, but never be wise.

And as the smoke clears and my vision brightens, the moon beckons in his waking hour that which has escaped him for so long: my attention and my longing. As my breath leaves my body, it becomes like a howl against the deathly sound of the breathing of the sleeping earth.

===

And now I understand what you tried to say to me...
And how you suffered for your sanity,
And how you tried to set them free...

They would not listen, they do not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now..

===

Redemption is but a cruel joke that we knowingly accept in the hopes that by some mente-sobre-materia event, we'll be able to grasp its playful dance.

Alas, this is but a joke. And happiness is only a temporary reprieve from madness. I am alone again, and the only light in my life is the dying crimson that washes over my sleepy eyes.

===

And I told you once before, there is nothing that will stop that which had no beginning. And now, the journey comes full circle in one more step. And then, we will say our final farewells, for there is nay but a single hope that will come from the little boy.

I am ready. The time is near. The moment will soon be here.

===

Now the bells will toll for the murder of the innocent, and the final scar would finally close, totally burying that which the flame has burned. Now and forever, we die.

And for a minute or two, I do.

This is for you. If a smile can be written in words, I would have written more than a thousand stories to describe the bliss I bathe in--all because of you.

===

And now I sleep knowing that there is nothing more to be afraid of. I know that things may change, however small. For in the realization of our own wrong beliefs, we come to be wiser about life. Though never enough, it will suffice for the next few choices we will make.

===

I am happy--not almost, but again. 

===

And now the incessant tears have turned to stone, and I am left again to ponder the consequences of my actions. I am lost, for the umpteenth time, and yet the more I try to look for the path out of this labyrinthine mess, I find myself entrenched in even more.

One after another after another after another--such is the tendency of Fate: to move against that which you desire, against that which you need.

===

I am blabbering yet again. For what reason, I tire--. 

"Apparently, I can't."

"Pride?"

"Yes. And then some.."

"You always had a choice.."

"She also had that choice.." 

"You are both victims.."

"Stop, please. There are things that cannot be repaired."

===

I once said that pride is the one thing that keeps me moving on. I believed that no matter how hopeless and meaningless things are and will be, it's my own foolish and selfish desires that will give me reason to fight all these incredulities life hurls at my direction. Perverse, yes, but effective.

But now, there are things that can only last for so long, and there are battles that can only be waged one too many times. Even the greatest of warriors must not extend a prolonged fight, yet neither side can give up. Neither can admit to misunderstanding the other. And neither is willing to go back to where it once was.

And what to do? I am not at fault, and neither is the other. But who will be the one to be first, for when even the first is not at fault, is not the admission worthy of the blame?

Know that I tire of this. But no, walls have been built and I want to leave this life behind. There is nothing about you, your ilk, and the ones we both left to even matter, save for those who were with me during my moments of tribulation.

So here now I declare that I am sorry. But it is done. And now we must part, for there is nothing more here to live for. And there is nothing more here to fight for. 

And know that if friends really mean more to you than your personal heartaches, stand by them and with them, for we have known what losing a friend is like--how angry and stupid and unreasonable--and it is one of the worst things in life we can face.

A brother is an adversary, but a friend is forever, so the wise Solomon says. So now, with all the peace that I can muster, I say goodbye.

===

We are not victims of misunderstanding and pride. We are the effects of choices we knowingly made. This now shall end here, for if there is understanding, you know when to leave a fault behind.

===

I am tired. I am very, very, very tired. 

The wings are now gaining strength, the feathers are picking up speed. End to end, this universe will be mine for the taking.

Death is but a justification now.

.. But when a person commits suicide, he does not do violence only to himself; he inflicts death upon those whom he least considered would be so afflicted. I have thought of Tio Baldo a lot, admired him, the simplicity of his final response; he has taunted me and haunted me in a way no wraith ever will, for I saw in him not just a way out of my own dilemmas but the capacity of man to have in his hands--and in no other--his own destiny. But in thinking this way, I have also realized how finite everything is, how vulnerable a human being is as I now know--victim that I am, not just of memory but of that accursed attachment that I have felt for all those who have been good to me.

***

But it is the dead who hurt us most, for we cannot ask them questions, bring them to heel, or confirm with them what was it that made them what they were. Even in death, something of the man lives on--the visitation of his sins. What he did is not confined to himself. The wars he sanctioned go on long after every bone in his virulent body has become one with the soil. Upon this soil we feed and we imbibe the same virus. Death is the ultimate truth, not for him who is gone but for us who still live.

-- My Brother, My Executioner, F. Sionil Jose

===

"A friend had urged me to write finally a happy story with joyous circumstance and God knows I have searched for that particular milieu, for that fiesta atmosphere that will suffuse my fiction so that my readers will be elated rather than depressed. But everywhere I turn in my unhappy country – although there are smiles everywhere, although we are known for our flamboyance, our vivid and dazzling fiestas – underneath it all is this everlasting sorrow which pervades our very lives. And so, I continue to write what I know, which disappoints those who want joy, escape. I am sorry, I cannot please you. Perhaps I never will."

-- F. Sionil Jose, on a keynote address on the Conference of Literatures in English, National University of Singapore

===

I used to believe that there is someone out there that will mirror my beliefs, whether in his writing or in life. I used to believe that the thoughts in this skull have long been thought of by some genius of heart and mind. Lo and behold, for it is indeed wondrous, I have found a hero in Professor Jose.

===

And now we question those who pass, and we question their lives and subject them to scrutiny for they were unable to speak for themselves. Yet, the questions we pose kill the peace they seek, for even in rest we give them unrest, and we continue to let them live through spiteful words and hateful lies, and we do not pray for their souls for they are, for us, not worthy.

Now... Now... Let us go. I must go. For I am tired. Please, Lord, take me.

===

And now, I know what is there behind the wall.

.. It is good that I should remember, for in memory is my salvation. I should say, my curse. This, then, is a recollection as well, of sounds and smells, and if telling is at times sketchy, it is because there are things I do not want to dwell upon--things that rile and disturb because they lash at me and crucify me in my weakness, in my knowledge of what was..

.. I am a commuter between what I am now and what I was and would like to be, and it is this commuting, at lightning speed, at the oddest hours, that has done havoc to me... I can understand fully my longing to go back, to "return to the womb"--even the death wish that hounds me when I find it so difficult and enervating to rationalize a middle-aged life that has been built on rubble of compromise and procrastination. It is this commuting, the tension and knowledge of its permanence, its rampage upon my consciousness, that must be borne, suffered, and vanquished, if I am to survive in this arid plateau called living.

At times, it can be unbearable, and neither pills nor this writing can calm my mind; but then, I must go on... So I hie back to this past wherefrom I can draw sustenance and the ability to see more clearly how it was and why it is.

-- Tree, F. Sionil Jose

***

I must now give death--not yours but mine--the contemplation that I have not given it, for your death will also be mine. It is the riddle of the unlived experience, the great emptiness of time that is not yet imprinted in the senses or etched on paper and stone. It is the riddle we cannot unravel, not because it is a compulsive challenge but because the mind seems somehow incomplete, a vacuum that cannot be filled.

I have always felt that the emptiness of my life stems not from the absence of memories or events but from the lack of courage to go after life itself, the way a hunter would go after the most dangerous game, which is death, the way a seeker would challenge the loftiest peaks. We do not conquer life, no one can conquer what one cannot define, but at least it is there and it is ours to shape and to possess fully, with all the senses working, with all the powers of the heart surging, as we search for the answer to the greatest riddle of them all--death, the ultimate end, the enemy of all men, the final quietus to the noblest of emotions, the tenacity and ethereal creativity of faith. You have found the answer and I have found love.

-- My Brother, My Executioner, F. Sionil Jose

***

If I die tonight, it will be just a physical death, for I have long since died and only memory has framed me, here where I have trod, and searched and searched but found nothing.

-- My Brother, My Executioner, F. Sionil Jose

===

If there is life here today, where is it? Is it not that in the pain of remembering that we live beyond the mortal coil unto which we are bound? The fight will live forever, but the dream had already died.

-- J. M., April 2, 2008

"Haha. Araw-araw na nga eh. Pero sorry kung medyo matagal. Alam mo na, hindi naman palaging nakakapagpahinga ang tao."

"Sus, drama mo. Ang kailangan mo lang para makita ako, kaunting oras lang. Hindi ko naman sinabing samahan mo ako ng isang buong magdamagan eh."

"Pero yun gusto mo eh. Sus ka rin. Wag mong sabihing ayaw mo."

"Sa bagay, kung ganyan ka ba naman kasipag pumunta, eh 'di hindi ako nagiisa palagi. Haha. O siya, musta araw?"

"Medya-medya lang. Hindi naman kagandahan, pero hindi rin naman pangit. Yung usual. Nananaginip para makita ka."

"Aysus. Bola. Grabe, hindi ka naman siguro basketball player, ano? Maipa-pasok mo na ako sa net sa lakas mong mang-uto ng tao. Haha."

"Totoo naman, di ba? Haha."

"Hay. Oo nga eh. Ang hirap ng ganito. Yung hinihintay ka lang palagi. Buti nga hindi mo ako nalilimutan."

"Sira! Pwede ba yun? Haha. Buti nga ikaw ang hindi nakakalimot, kamo. Kapag nalimutan mo na ako, yun talaga, tapos na. Haha."

"Hindi yun noh. Sayong sayo lang ako. Naks."

"Sana nandiyan ka lang palagi. Ang hirap na nung iniwan mo ako dati eh. Magkaguho-guho ang mundo ko."

"Hindi na mangyayari yun. Sumpa man. Dito lang ako. Basta ba palagi kang bibisita sa mundo ko, solid tayo, p're. Haha!"

"Isa ka rin palang bolera eh. Eh ilang araw na ba tayong nagkakasama ng ganito? Isang taon, mahigit na ah. Pamilya ko nga, may araw na di ko inuuwian. Ikaw, susmaryosep, basta may oras na pwede, magkikita tayo."

"Dapat lang. Ayaw kitang mawala sa tabi ko. Ang lungkot nun."

"Nalungkot ka ba nung iniwan mo ako? Sus. Baka nga nagsasaya ka pa nun eh."

"Baka noon yun, pero hindi na ako ganun ngayon. Mukha ba akong natutuwa sa ganito?"

"Ewan. Haha. Gusto mo bang hindi muna tayo magkita ng ilang araw? Tignan nating kung matagalan natin!"

"Timang. Hindi mo kaya yun, 'no. Ang hirap na nga ng dalawa, tatlo pa."

"Baka tamaan ako ng amnesia. Malimutan kita kung sakali. Haha."

"Gusto mo ba talagang ganun? Kung oo, sabihin mo lang. Unahan na kita. Hmph."

"Hoy, teka, walang ganyanan. Hahaha. Sorry na. Parang nagloloko lang yung tao eh. Isa pa, sobrang gusto ko 'tong ginagawa natin. Ito na nga lang inaabangan ko palagi."

"Bola. Sagutin mo nga ako. Anong gagawin mo kung makalimutan kita?"

"..."

"Ano? Sagot, dali."

"... Ang hirap nun.."

"Ano ngang gagawin mo?"

"Hahanap ng paraan."

"Paraan para ano?"

"Para makasama ka palagi."

"Eh hindi na nga kita kilala, di ba? Paano kung matakot ako sayo? Paano kapag kahit isang araw sa limang taong kilala kita, hindi ko matandaan."

"Eh maikli lang naman ang limang taon eh. Pwede nating ulitin ang pagpapakilala sa isa't isa."

"Ulitin? Haha. Ang tagal nun. Pwede ka nang makahanap ng iba sa ganun katagal na panahon."

"Meron pang masmatagal sa matagal, sira. Magpakailanman."

"Bale, sasamahan mo ako magpakailanman? Iku-kwento mo ulit lahat at magpapatawa ka ulit gamit mga bulok mong linya? Haha."

"Oo ba. Alam mo... Alam mo..."

"Alam ko na ano?"

"Alam ko na alam mong panaginip lang kita. At alam mo na alam ko na hindi talaga ikaw siya. Pero naiintindihan mo na ikaw lang ang natitira kong alaala niya. At alam mo na alam ko na kahit sino ka pa, mamahalin kita. At sana, maintindihan mo na kung sa panaginip lang kita makikita, at kung dito mawawala ka pa, masisira na ako ng tuluyan. Meron pang lugar dun, sa pagitan ng paghiga at pagbangon, at doon kita hahanapin. At kung sakali mang hindi talaga kita makita, maintindihan mo rin sana na merong pagtulog na mahaba pa sa buhay ng kahit sinuman, at sa pagtulog na yun, wala nang paggising...

At kung ang paraan lamang para makita ka at makasama ka palagi ay managinip, handa akong matulog ng magpakailanman para lang makita ka. Dahil ikaw pa rin ang dulo ng walang hanggan, at ikaw pa rin ang hahanapin ko sa pagtulog at paggising. Dahil ikaw ang mahal ko. At dahil ikaw lang ang kaisa-isang tao na makakaintindi sa kung sino ako noon, ngayon, at kung sino man ako sa hinaharap.

Sige, kalimutan mo ako. Pero hindi mo na ulit ako maiiwan ngayon. Hindi na pwede. Wala nang pangalawang beses. Hindi ko kakayanin. Mahal kita. At sana mahal mo pa rin ako. At sana dito ka lang kung saan kita pwedeng mahanap."

"..."

"Paumanhin."

"Sa totoo lang, nakakalimutan ko na kung sino ka. Hindi na rin naman ikaw ang dating minahal ko. Hindi ka na rin naman ang taong nag-aruga sa akin. Bago ako umalis, hindi ka ganito. Ano bang ginagawa mo sa buhay mo? Ayokong isipin na ako ang dahilan ng lahat ng 'to. Pero ayaw rin kitang sisihin sa ginawa mo. Pero naiintindihan mo ba? Sana ikaw pa rin yung dating minahal ko."

"Ako pa rin naman siya eh. Ako pa rin 'to. Alam mo naman... Alam mo naman na hindi ako magbabago kung hindi rin dahil sayo."

"..."

"Wag mo akong iwan."

"Wag kang mag-alala. Nandito lang ako. Magkikita pa rin naman tayo, at kahit na hindi na ikaw yan, tandaan mo lang palagi na mahal rin ki--"

===

Kung sa panaginip lang kita makikita, hindi ako matatakot mamatay para lang makasama ka.