i am rhea.

i suck at this.

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 16:54:33 +0000

[can't sleep. P and i had a fight. again. so i am now thinking of how to start this...]

i've been meaning to write everything since IT all started, but i know it would take me a lot of guts and brainwork to spill it all out. of course, i became busy spending my remaining days at l2s with my friends, but i know i just didn't have the courage to begin writing. so i just spent my time with them, even if i knew that i had to document IT to remember it, well, forever.

writing, for me, does not really serve its real purpose if it does not penetrate the readers. maybe i am just so into this whole thing, that i wanted to make whoever reads this lame outpouring of sentiments feel what i really wanted to convey. coz i want them to know and feel what i am going through. they must know.

i am so pathetic. i suck at being sad.

okay, i am sad. and i am unemployed. not that employers do not find me valuable, but i am still enjoying my time at home doing nothing and just talking to chloe. dog talk. no passing of applications, just pure and simple dog talk and dog life. i am loving it.

i am unemployed. and i am sad. because i cannot fix this career of mine when P keeps on acting immaturely and thoughts about M and the fuckin' what-ifs continue to kill me.

i bet you know P.

M? i bet u would not want to know his name.

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 07:43:29 +0000

SUSAN: I thought you were in a meeting--?

PARRISH: I am. With you.

He peers up ahead at Drew, on the telephone and gesticulating intensely, right at home in the cockpit despite the CHOP of the blades and the pilot pressed up against him.

Do you love Drew?

SUSAN: ...There's a start for a meeting.

PARRISH: I know it's none of my business --

Susan doesn't answer for a moment, then impulsively kisses her father on the cheek.

SUSAN: No, it's none of your business.

Another moment.

PARRISH: Do you love Drew?

SUSAN: You mean like you loved Mom?

PARRISH: Forget about me and Mom -- are you going to marry him?

SUSAN: Probably.

A moment.

PARRISH: (smiles) Don't get carried away.

SUSAN: Uh oh --

PARRISH: Susan, you're a hell of a woman. You've got a great career, you're beautiful --

SUSAN: And I'm your daughter and no man will ever be good enough for me.

PARRISH: Well, I wasn't going to say that --

SUSAN: What were you going to say?

PARRISH: Listen, I'm crazy about the guy -- He's smart, he's aggressive, he could carry Parrish Communications into the 21st century and me along with it.

SUSAN: So what's wrong with that?

PARRISH: That's for me. I'm talking about you. It's not so much what you say about Drew, it's what you don't say.

SUSAN: You're not listening --

PARRISH: Oh yes, I am. Not an ounce of excitement, not a whisper of a thrill, this relationship has all the passion of a pair of titmice.

SUSAN: Don't get dirty, Dad --

PARRISH: Well, it worries me. I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish.

SUSAN: That's all?

PARRISH: Be deliriously happy. Or at least leave yourself open to be.

SUSAN: 'Be deliriously happy'. I'm going to do my upmost --

He smiles.

PARRISH: I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart.

A moment.

Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

SUSAN: Bravo.

PARRISH: Aw, you're tough.

SUSAN: I'm sorry. But give it to me again. The short version.

PARRISH: Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike.

Thu, 7 Jul 2005 14:41:52 +0000

omg...this is my last night with MY little bitches in the rma team...nkakalungkot, punyeta...d ko naisip na maaattach ako ng ganito sa team na to...

iba iba cla ng pagkatao...nkakamangha din...kahit minsan talagang mapupuno at maiirita ka sa ingay at pagiging pasaway nila, they will never fail to amuse you...each day spent with them IS truly cherished...

there are those who became very close to my heart, ung iba naman so-so lang, pero generally speaking, mahal ko clang lahat...damn, ang hirap mag move on pag ganito...

jem...friend ko talaga to...words will never grasp the kind of friendship that we have...sana pumayat na sha...joke...i really hope u know that there's more to this message...

peach...napaka comfy ko pag kausap ko to...salamat sa tiwala...promise, nttouch ako sa mga bonding sessions naten...nkakarelate kme...mabait to...may topak lang talaga...sana tantanan ang pagiging buraot k kc ...at sana magtiwala sa sarili nya kc hindi nya alam kung anong meron sha...

tin...rich...pero pwede din palang balasubasin...mabait and sweet talaga...at down-2-earth pa...kakaiba...naalala ko nung time na nagdepend ako sa kanya nung am shift pa...ang galing, d nya ko binigo...salamat tin ha...

myg...proud ako dto, lalo na ngayon kc ang laki ng pinagbago nya...as in tuwang tuwa ako pag may naaachieve sha, kaya i do my best to encourage her...sana maalala nya ung barong ni pjong...hahaha...

carla...kahit na maldita, i understand her kc mejo ganun din ako...at nakakatuwa kc pwede kahit saan...all-around...i know she is the type who will never let her friends down...nice talaga once you get to know her...promise...

carol...taas kamay ko sa pagiging matino at maayos nito sa lahat...pulido trabaho nito...swerte ni noel, as in...nkakaintimidate nga e...

dong...one of the people who made my stay here very light and lively...masarap kausap kc may sense talaga...ang galing nya talaga kahit saan angle mo tingnan...

jing...eto talaga solid maldita...pero nakakatuwa...never failed to make me laugh...sana nga lang uamyos na ang lovelife kc she does not deserve being hurt...dko mkakalimutan ung cnabi nya na tawanan na lang lahat ng problema...ang galing...

jeanette...kahit na balahura to, mataas tingin ko dto bilang 1 tao...tama c jing, ang galing galing nya kc hindi biro ung mga pnagdaanan nya...i really wish the best for her...she really deserves it...aleana is very lucky to have a mom like her...

abi...sana maumpog na to...kc naman ang ganda ganda at ang tali-talinong babae pero TANGA...she's my 1st appointed atl b4 and that can say so much about how i really admire her skills and capabilities...

hersh...sa lahat ng pwede kong kainggitan, un ung relationship ni hersh k jobeck...kc they look and ARE so happy together...i know she also earned him well after all she's been through...goodluck...

jun...girl na girl na...sana wag na ulit shang iiyak ng ganun kc nakakabiyak ng puso...kawawa kc e...sana din wag na sha all-out at magtira din sha para sa sarili nya...i wish him all the best because he's nice and dependable...

lanie...i'll never forget the jeepney rides and the talks we had...salamat talaga kc ipinakilala mo ang sarili mo sakin...i am so grateful...as in...your parents must be really proud of you...uliran ka, TANGA ka lang talaga sa pag-ibig...sana pag nagkaanak ako, katulad mo...mapera...hehe...

may...magpataba ka naman...mauubos na kc ang juice mo, d ka na makakahatak ng madaming boys...sana mapasaiyo ang matagal mo ng hinihintay...pero d pa huli ang lahat kc pwede ka pang mag-isip...lamo may potential ka talaga...gamitin mo lang sa tama ang resources mo, alam ko magtatagumpay ka...

ed...BULAGA! nagulat ka no? tantanan ang kape para makaconcentrate sa trabaho at sa buhay! pero mabait tong c ed, kahit na minsan nalilito akong kausap...he never fails to be nice to everyone all the time...yan ang most endearing quality nya...keep it up!

cq...ambait bait nito...sayang talaga kc ngayong lang kme naging close...mamimiss ko talaga ung mga patay na buhok nya...saka naappreciate ko talaga pag cnsabihan nya ko ng mabait...nkakagaan ng araw...thanks talaga...

roche...isa pang TANGA...abi II...lamo madaming pinto ang nakabukas para sayo...wag mong sayangin sa isang tao...magaling tong tao na to, mali lang ang focus cguro...pero kung un talaga ang gusto nya, sana eventually, mag-ayos naman...kc roche is very precious...

drama...this tabulas would never have been created if not because of them...nainggit ako kaya nakisali ako kahit d ako ung journal girl-type...malamang ito na last post ko kc hindi na ko maiinggit kc malamang walang nagtatabulas sa lilipatan kong team...funny, mamimiss ko ung inggitan culture sa rma...it's what makes them unique...pakshet...

au revoir!

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 20:23:43 +0000

I didn't mean it when I said I didn't love you, so..I should have held on tight, I never shoulda let you go..I didn't know nothing, I was stupid, I was foolish..I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever be without your love..Never imagined I'd be sitting here beside myself..Cause I didn't know you, cause I didn't know me..But I thought I knew everything I never felt..

The feeling that I'm feeling now that I don't hear your voice..Or have your touch and kiss your lips cause I don't have a choice..Oh, what I wouldn't give to have you lying by my side..Right here, cause baby we belong together..

When you left I lost a part of me..It's still so hard to believe..Come back baby, please..Cause we belong together..

Who else am I gon' lean on when times get rough..Who's gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up..Who's gonna take your place, there ain't nobody better..Oh, baby baby, we belong together..

I can't sleep at night when you are on my mind..Bobby Womack's on the radio..Saying to me "If you think you're lonely now"..Wait a minute this is too deep (too deep)..I gotta change the station so I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break..And then I hear Babyface, I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart, I'm trying to keep it together..But I'm falling apart..

I'm feeling all out of my element..I'm throwing things, crying..Trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong..The pain reflected in this song
It ain't even half of what I'm feeling inside..I need you, need you back in my life, baby..

Mon, 30 May 2005 14:24:25 +0000

it's over.

i feel so fuckin' alone.

p, i can't go on thinking of forever feeling this way...

Thu, 7 Apr 2005 04:37:03 +0000

maybe i am not so brave to admit that things aren't as nice as they were before. for once in my life, i really felt needed, longed for, hailed and treasured by you. those were the times that i never needed to exert even an ounce of effort to feel and see that you really cared. those were the times that i was foolish enough to let go of you for another jerk who just made things very miserable for everyone. and those were the times that i never gave you the importance you deserved. i was crazy for treating you that way. i never knew then that you were the one who could change my life in a way that i would never, ever regret.

p, if i could only bring back those days when you were unbelievably ready to give out all the love you could share, i would. i took those times for granted because i never knew those moments would end. lately, i have been forcing my brain to come up with answers why i feel the coldness in your touch. i do not want to force my heart to yield answers because i know that i am not yet ready for these. i am afraid to lose you, p.

i keep on asking you why i feel the indifference, but you never give me the answers that i am looking for. it's possible that i have been exaggerating. but it's also possible that you are not yet ready to break the news to me. the wedding plans that we have are slowly materializing, but what bothers me is the sincerity that you commit to it. i never fail to ask if you are really ready for forever, and you always say you are. but i cannot be mistaken by what i see. and feel.

i dont know. p, i cannot move on feeling half-empty. i am deeply saddened by the turn of things. i know i cannot move on like this.

nevertheless, i am very thankful for the times we spent together. if this is going to an end, i can and will accept it. just please let me know.

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 01:40:07 +0000

My head's in a jam
Can't take you off my mind
From the time we met
I've been beset by thoughts of you
And the more that I ignore this feeling
The more I find myself believing
That I just have to see you again

I can't let you pass me by
I just can't let you go
But I know that I am much too shy
To let you know
Afraid that I might say the wrong words
And displease you
Afraid for love to fade
Before it can come true

Like a child again
I'm at a loss for words
How does one define
A crush combined with longing?
Longing to possess you oh so dearly
I'm obsessed by you completely
I'll go mad if I can't have you

I can't let you pass me by
I just can't let you go
But I know that I am much too shy
To let you know
Afraid that I might say the wrong words
And displease you
Afraid for love to fade
Before it can come true

--Afraid For Love To Fade

Mon, 3 Jan 2005 23:47:40 +0000

Since the moment I spotted you,
Like walking round with little wings
on my shoes
My stomach\'s filled with butterflies...
Ooo and it\'s alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I\'m never
gonna come down
If I said I didn\'t like it then you know
I\'d lied

[Pre-Chorus:]
Everytime I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out that everything
I say to you
Comes out wrong and never
comes out right

[Chorus:]
So I\'ll say \'why don\'t you and I
get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails
we\'ll try again\'
So I say \'why don\'t you and I
hold each other and fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they\'re
never going to let me in\'

When\'s this fever going to break?
I think I\'ve handled more than any
man can take
I\'m like a love-sick puppy chasing
you around
ooo and it\'s alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I\'m never
gonna come down
If said I didn\'t like it then you know I\'d lied

And slowly I begin to realize this is never
gonna end
Right about the same time you walk by
And I say \'Oh here we go again, oh\'

--Why Don\'t You and I