Put away the pictures
Put away the memories
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more
How do you leave it in a drawer?
Now here it comes
the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning                       
Learning the art of letting go
Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door
Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through

the pain of one more day

By The Rising Red Phoenix

Last Feb. 4, 2006 was the first time in my life that I experience to love and be love by someone who I prayed for so long after 29 long yrs…
God gave me the answers that I ask for. He gave me the exact signs (I ask GOD that if he would be my true love then he should give me 5 dozen pink roses on our first date) that I was looking for..

The lord GOD has not given me one but many who really appreciates me so dearly. I immediately fell in love with him and his family. They all accepted me like their very own. I don’t know how I fell in love but I guess SHIT happens for a reason and I guess that this is the first and last time that I will fall in love again. The time we had was crystal clear and wonderful…I never hold back for the reason that I was ready for the so called “having a relationship”.
It may seem or seemed to be so ordinary but for me it’s very special and I gave my all because I love him but it’s just me, and me alone who wish to make the relationship work, ironically things don’t work out the way we always planned.
Do you know how hard it is to forget that someone who you showed your real self and your real happiness (Not all people can see the real me especially when I laugh a loud, it’s only him who really saw it)…
Do you know how to really fall for someone who you know from the start who will betray you in the end?
How much love do you think you should give away to that person whom you prayed to God so dearly and yet be your worst nightmare in the end…?
People say that they have fallen in love but to what extent would they give themselves to the so called L O V E…
Are there any regrets after the stormy relationship, and leaving your heart broken to shattered pieces? How can you put it all back together without a trace of pain and sorrow, making it look like it’s never been broken??
Is there a time frame in order for you to know when to move on after reality starts to set inn that it’s all over?
I definitely would do it, but simply don’t know how to make the first move. Do I really need to find a new love enable for me to move on...?
I even so often questioned GOD why all this have to happen to me…
Me who gave my best shot, me who gave it all, me who pray to find true love…why me??? I maybe rude and arrogant at times but I know when to stop and to humble myself from others…
One day I flirted with him using a different number and persona, simply to invite him for a date since he has no time going out with me and at the same time to surprise him because he is working his butt out just to help other peoples illness but my intuition tells me that there is much more to it and so I was RIGHT, I got the surprise of my life!!!
He is cheating again and immediately said yes for a blind date with my cover up persona A.K.A. “Gary”… He was so scared to death that it was me who he was fooling around with VIA text and thinking that some “friend of his” who has arranged a blind date for him!!! Well, it all came out from the mouth of the horse.
It seems that there were some arrangements or conaivancess going on behind my back and why would he have an idea of whom to blame if there is no such business going on???
I never complained about him going out with his relatives nor friends but what am asking for is that he at least provides me some quality time to be with but all he can give me is a 20 minute lunch break thinking that he can manage to go out during wee hours in the morning with “friends”. GOD knows how many times he went out for a “friendly” blind date…….
It is so true that your brain automatically shuts down a part of your body when it feels much pain. Honestly, I was so dead numb and can’t even move or say a word and don’t even know where to go next since I was on my way to his palace to see him, bringing my Christmas gift money from my mom plus my gift to him (car key holder by GA) and hoping we can have a nice quality dinner together after “4 months” of me waiting and begging…
Was he just waiting for the right moment for me to discover it…?
He did all that just last DEC. 13, 2006 after we spent days celebrating “HIS” family charity affairs????
He even said that he will never leave my side and will never ever cheat on me AGAIN, but as they say often said promises are made just to be broken again and again….Its now killing and eating me inside. I know for a fact that he has “NO BALLS” to tell me right smack to my face that he no longer loves me but why on earth does he need to blurt it out the “BIG KABOOM” after discovering that he is flirting again for the Nth time, inviting peeps for a date plus giving out his number for me to discover it by accident and to reason that he is just “making friends”. I’m definitely sure that he will pull his brains out if I do the same thing to him but as a devoted “wife material” (chuckles and giggles) as I can be, I never did so just to get even with him. Above all, if he was so true to me then, why o why would he save a message on my phone saying that he is braking up with me…
He made me whole but he took away my confidence, my beliefs, principles and my well being when he left me all alone... I’m now beginning to waste away my life and there is no more reason for me to live…I M SUCH A LOOSER FOR BELIEVING EVERY WORD HE SAID TO ME. Yes, I am BITTER but can you blame me for feeling this way and the only thing he did for me is just by saying so sorry for what ever happened to “us” (all I know is that, its just me and there was no “us” in the first place)???
I do know that there was a time that he loved me but you can’t always have your way by saying that you are so sorry, and ask me to be a good friend!!!!!!??!!!!$@#$@@
I suggest that he learn how to be sensitive.That is BULL SHIT AND FULL OF CRAP,
Knowing that he is “religiously inclined”….
I don’t know how or what to do, but he needs to find out for himself…
He is old enough to know what’s right and what’s wrong, considering that he is a “Doctor”.I am no kid to wreck and fool around with and it takes a lot of “T H A T” just to make me feel his sincerity that he really, really mean it.
I’m not one of his beckoned calls neither a door matt. He never showed me respect …
There are times where he would scold me in front of his sister out in the open public to see because I forgot to bring his cigarette Pack or do his charity errands(I’m no muchacho or his personal assistant because am just a
drop dead executive cosmopolitan gorgeous house wife)…
He already said goodbye and he is so sorry for what he has done. But up to now, am still searching for answers why he has betrayed my love 3 days after he has proposed to me and told me that he loves me so much, that I would be the one who he will marry even if we were different from the norms of the society.
All people can say that they are so sorry if they have done wrong but it’s different when you make something out of something just to make it realistic and true.
As what I always tell him, do it and don’t just say it thus he has the means of doing it, above all he should not limit what he can do if he really is asking for penance and forgiveness from the one he has afflicted with so much pain….am not GOD to give him forgiveness with a snap of a finger!!!Once he has told me that his past love or Relationships do ends up with the reason that they all left and cheated on him, but I now know that it was him who cheated on them and left.How I dream he try my stand enable for him to figure out the realization of hurting someone’s feeling or to let him try his own medicine for once just to teach him a lesson that he will never ever forget… if we had an exchanged of heart, then he would know why I fell apart but soon time turns the table and soon I’ll be able to find a new romance…
And soon he’ll remember my love was tender but too late for a 2^nd chance because there is no more me and him, Bwahahahhhahahaha!!!
(A devil in me laughs aloud)
Im so tired of crying when I wake up, while eating, taking a bath, on the road, when im drinking with friends, when I see his pictures (I burned all of them), and the love songs that make me cry all day and night, when I see jollibee restaurants (his favorite fast food store), when I see fat doctors, seeing a pajero 4x4 2006 model and ford expedition- (he just purchased that a week after we broke up), and above all im so sick of wishing that he is still here with me.
I know that am not perfect nor could perform well in bed for the reason that am cold as ice (some say its being frigid) I can take the fact that he has fallen out of love but doing something behind my back is something else ...Regardless of my incapacities, still I don’t deserved all this betrayal and its no reason for him to break or ruin my life. No amount or measure of lame excuses that can justify his betrayal, compare to what I’ve been through for him.
An old good friend once told me that he may have left me all alone but he did leave me with my pride.
I am a dreamer who believes in ever after…
But I strongly believe, it’s not “HIM” who could give me a happy fairy tales dream.
“With God’s love and guidance, I will find acceptance, forgiveness and REAL LOVE”.
In the end, I still do love him And that is the real reason why I let him go even if hurts me so…Is this the reality of letting go?
 

This is dedicated to a so called “PANDA”