Tears and Smiles From The Past

Happy Birthday Iñigo..

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:02:28 +0000

it's my first love's birthday today!

wow... it's been years.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:01:32 +0000

i've totally forgotten about this blog of mine... this blog holds a shitload of sad memories... I've to go read them and remind myself about the past 5 years... wow.

a lot has changed since those years... A LOT.

i wonder of anyone still reads this.... i dont think anyone does. LOL

so I've got a really cheesy-highschool-like crush on Lester, so what, he's nice and sweet. LOL but o well. If he finds out, I'm dead. hahaha

here's to hoping no one I know still opens their tabulas. LOL

Clumsy

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 01:47:15 +0000

You know how in movies when a girl crushes on a very cute hunky guy, she transforms into a very annoying, dumb, idiotic, and clumsy teenager nerd whenever she sees the guy? You know how in dramas, there are girls (or guys) who trip on anything or say the dumbest most nonsensical things around that person he or she likes? Well, I didn’t exactly trip and fall over anything… but I had that moment. Yup, just like in the movies. Thinking about it right now and rewinding what happened to me, I feel like I’m watching a corny-but-kilig Korean drama.

I made it to WaMu today at 5:58 pm. They close at 6. So I was like 3^rd from the last person they let in the bank before closing. I still had to wait like 15 minutes because I was literally by the door because there were a lot of people in line. I was minding my business, checking out my cash, sending some text messages, checking my cash again, my deposit ticket, my cash again… then the line moved… and I finally got inside the bank… so I looked around… there were 3 tellers helping customers… one I recognized as the Vice President who offered me a job last year. The second was the Filipino lady who comes to lunch at Subway with her bf (I assume). And then there he was… blue polo (well, that’s the WaMu uniform)… talking so nicely to an old lady… and after giving her the receipt he looked up and caught me straight staring at him. Imagine again a dorky girl in a telenovela who suddenly turned her head and pretended to be reading the words on the wall (financial advice, college, home loan, personal loan, etc. hahah) But I knew he smiled. And so I waited. Waited. Waited. Praying to God that I don’t get helped by him. So as the old man in front of me walked up to the Filipina lady, and seeing the Vice President printing the receipt of her last client, I was relieved and sure that she was going to call me next. And guess what happened, as I was going to take a step forward, she held her hand like a stop sign and said “I’m sorry, someone will be right with you!” GREAT. Just great. And so I looked at him, and he was printing the receipt of his last client. Dammit. He called me next. When he said “I’d be happy to help you here”, I freagin pretended that I didn’t hear him, so the lady behind me tapped my shoulder and pointed at him, and I looked up and saw him smiling (it almost looked like he was grinning) at me. So I walked up to him, and (you know how in newly renovated WaMu branches, the teller goes up to you and walks with you towards their station?) while I walk up to him, he was walking backwards facing me like I was walking up to him in a very weird and awkward way. Seriously. I’m so bad at describing things in words. Ngarrr. And so we were there at his station, he started counting my money while he asks “So how are you today?” “Pretty good” I said. “I’m so proud of myself coz I made it today.” I added. “Got here in the nick of time” he smilingly replied (I felt like he was making fun of me or something). So I think this was where the dorkiness (if there’s such a word) all started. Here’s the conversation, the scene’s up to your imagination:

James: Got here in the nick of time?

Me: Yeah. I’ve been trying to make it on time… (what a liar)

James: (counting money) hmmm…

Me: I’ve been trying for the past 2 days to make this deposit but I never make it on time… (liars go to hell) I came yesterday but you were closed. (tangeks!)

James: (just looked at me)

Me: (thinking… oh shit! It’s Monday today, past 2 days… weekend!) Oh, no, I meant I came Saturday and you closed early… (I was just at home on Saturday.) (really stupid. this was that very awkward moment where I got caught in my own lie).

James: oh, it wasn’t even busy Saturday, you could have made it.

Me: Oh but you closed at 1 right? And I couldn’t leave the restaurant coz it was our busiest. (my nose just went long all the way to the door - tanga! idiot! idiot!)

James: oh that’s true… well, it’s nice that you came today… (while printing receipt… then handed it to me..)

Me: yeah… (looking at him while he gives me the receipt)

Guess what… the receipt fell on the floor. He had to pick it up and gave it to me. Then as I was leaving he walked me up to the door and opened the door for me. Guess what I did, I opened the other side of the door and went out that way. Isn’t that really stupid?

So as I stepped down to the street, all I could think of was “Tanga! Tanga! Ang tanga tanga! Ano bang katangahan yan!” Yiiiiiiiiii kinausap nya ko!!!!! Tanga!!!!!!

I replay in my head what happened over and over and damn, no matter how I look at it, I’m pretty sure he saw the worst part of me – being a dork around a very cute guy. So much for my very good reputation as a manager. I’m pretty sure if there was someone watching me that day, he’d scratch his head and say how idiotic I was.

Why does this happen to me when I’m around someone I like? Why????!!!

I think I’ve been watching too much Korean dramas… that I end up being like in one. Shit. Shit talaga. Natatanga ako kapag nakikita ko yung taong yun.

Side kwento…

One time, he came to get lunch… he ordered a not toasted roasted chicken sandwich. I made the sandwich for him. At Subway, if the sandwich is not toasted, we have to heat up the meat in the microwave… which I did. So I closed up his sandwich, and he paid and left (damn he was so damn cute that day and his smile… ohhh… his smile…) So 5 minutes later, I was going to clean the microwaves. And there it was… wrapped in deli paper… one piece of chicken patty. Shit. He never complained about it. Didn’t even mention it the next time he went there. He never mentioned it at all. But from then on, I noticed that he smiles at me weird whenever he’s there. Especially that one time when he went with his co-worker and he did not order anything. He smiled at me, and his eyes just freagin twinkle! Hahahah Made my knees weak. You know what happened that day? I forgot to give the change to his co-worker. Hahahah

Dammit. Does getting attracted to someone really make you a little bit stupid and clumsy?

It's Official... Cheesy Entry Alert

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 06:14:58 +0000

It's official. I am officially crushing on this bank guy I barely know.

I just got home and I realized one thing... I haven't stopped thinking about this guy since I left the bank this morning. Yup, he works at the bank.

There were 3 guys I was crushing on for the past months - one from each of the banks in the same plaza as my restaurant. And it's just really frustrating that he is the one I never get to talk to. The other two have been my friends since day one... and I think the mystery to him made me like him more than the other two. Okay please don't comment about me being such a lovesick puppy, too cheesy, and too.... I don't know... what have you. Just stop reading please... but I won't stop blabbering.

So moving on. As I was saying, I haven't stopped thinking about him since morning. What is it about him that I like? I don't know. The whole shaped beard/goatee/mustache whatever just really works for him... he's so darn cute. His chubby cheeks? Yeah, I g uess you could say that. I've always had a thing for chubby cheeks. Once I had a crush on this guy in grade school. When we turned high school, he lost weight and he just looked ugly and disgusting for me... but that's when girls went gaga over him. Isn't that just insane? Oh well, looks count I guess. Which brings me to my point. Why is a person's appearance soo freakin important that it makes me feel intimidated and insecure myself? The notion that guys like only those pretty sexy girls just makes me wanna throw up and puke out everything I ate today and makes me want to be anorexic. It's wrong I know... so why? Why do guys like only the pretty/cute girls?

I don't really want to judge him (and all the other guys out there), but looking at him and seeing his pictures and reading his stuff on myspace (oopppsss... confession.. yes, I looked at his profile), I feel he's never even going to look my way even if I cartwheeled right in front of him. I feel like such a loser. Dammit. I think I'm back in high school when I really liked one guy and he went for the class muse. ngaaaarrrrrr....

So anyway, how am I gonna stop thinking about this guy? Even family matters didn't distract me from wondering about him and wondering what he's up to. haaay...

I can't sleep... no... not like I used to...
I can't breathe in and out like I need to...
I don't walk right... not like I used to...
There's a jump in my step as I rush to see you...
I could be happy here as long as you're near to me...
As long as you're close to me...
Now that I'm alright I can help you out...
As I'm trying just to keep things right...
I'll be what you need...
I kill myself to make everything perfect for ya...
Goodbye apathy...

I wish God would give me a sign... a sign that he's someone that would be relevant to my future...

goodnight James.

I Don't Know What To Do With Myself.

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 06:11:06 +0000

ayyy... I can't sleep dammit. so okay, i'll just type away my thoughts right now.

I sometimes feel I get bored at something so easily. Like a kid who jumps from one toy to another. As soon as I find out what something does or how something works or how someone is, I lose interest... especially if it's a someone I like, as soon as he finds out I like him, the mystery fizzles down and my interest just well... let's just say it kind of dies down and disappears.

Dammit that dorky day just crossed my mind right now! Erase! Erase! Erase!

Ayyy... doesn't he get tired of running in my mind for the whole freaking day that even the exaggeratedly over ordered delivery I got this morning did not distract me at all? I have no idea what I was thinking last Friday when I placed that humonguos amount of produce and supplies. This guy just distracts and disrupts my whole life. And you know what? I haven't blogged in months... and now what am I doing? I'm blabbering! again!

James. James. James. Tsk. so sad.

This morning I promised myself I won't be thinking of him as much as the past days. And what happened to me? Well, it took me forever to put away my delivery because in every turn, I think of him dammit. dammit. dammit. Today i found myself going around the atm drive thru twice just because. Oh, and did I mention I parked at that same spot where I saw his car on Saturday? yeah. Oh, here's the worst thing. I went to lovecalculator.com, entered our names, and voila, 99 freakin %!!!!!! I think fate is playing me. I think if angels are watching a reality show from heaven called "Tease her till she goes crazy", I think their spotlight is on me right now...

It's very silly. I've been keeping those transaction receipts from the bank just because they have his name on them and because they touched his hand. arrrggghhh could someone please strangle me and make me stop?

Something bothers me. What if the reason I'm still single right now is because unconsciously, I want to be. Shit. I'm doomed.

I've never crushed on anyone like this since like uhmm... let me se... uhmmm... since forever?! Why? Why now? When everything in my life is just complicated.

I swear it's you...
I swear it's you...
I swear it's you that I've waited for...
I swear it's you...
I swear it's you that my heart beats for
And it ain't gonnna stop...
It just won't stop...

Hah! Even the playlist playing on my laptop right now is not being helpful. LOL

I Hate You

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 06:01:28 +0000

For reasons I could not even explain. I hate you for making my heart pound like crazy everytime I see you. You make me silly and do silly things. I turn into a neurotic dork in front of you. You… you make me worry about my future. You make me want to do things I never ever imagined I would do. You turn me into a crazy stalker. You are bad. I hate you. I hate you for making me like this… for making me what I am right at this moment – a lovesick puppy. I hate you for making me feel bad about myself. I hate you for making me start to change. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you for making me think about you too much. I hate you for making me imagine things with you. I hate you because you bring back the worst feeling that I hate – dependence. I hate you because you remind me of my sad past. I hate you for not really knowing anything about me. I hate you for not seeing it. I hate you for smiling at me that day. I hate you for making me feel so embarrassed. I hate you because you make me wake up early on a Saturday so I can do my hair. I hate you because you are the reason I wait in a freaking long line when I can always go to that empty ATM. I hate you because you are not part of my plan. I did not expect to feel these things around you. I hate you because only you… after the longest time… only you made my heart beat so fast… I think even faster than the last time I had these feelings. I hate you for slapping on my face the fact that I am really a hopeless romantic. I hate you because you make me want to sing wherever I may be. I hate you because I could never keep a straight face at work. I hate you because you make me want to stare at our monitor waiting for you. I hate you for making me wait for you everyday. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you for having such a nice name… but I hate you for having a very uncommon last name. I hate you because I promised myself I would never like a Filipino again. Why in the world did you have to be a Filipino? Why? I hate you because you make me doubt fate. I've always believed in fate and destiny… but you… you make me want to hate fate. I hate you for making me smile in very random alone moments. I hate you… I hate you for making me look forward to everyday… because everyday is a possibility of seeing you again. Damn you. I hate you so much because I can't hate you.

Dance Dance Revo Supernova is Waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy Better Than Treadmill

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 05:22:55 +0000

after an hour of trying to perfect "Since U Been Gone" on Basic mode, I finally got tired and realized how sweaty my shirt was - wet all over. hahaha

I know... so random, right? Oh well.

This is my way of coping and forgetting and accepting God's sign that it's wrong to like someone I don't even know... that I can't waste my time daydreaming and imagining about someone who doesn't even know I exist... well, he probably knows I exist but I'm pretty sure I'm just one of those people he sees once in a while in the area... I'm pretty sure he's got no idea how stupid it feels to like him the way I like him... you know that feeling of wanting something so badly but you can't afford it? That's exactly what I feel right now.

I think he's too expensive for me... well not monetary but... well, I feel I think it would take spending my whole life just for him to notice me. He's kind of out of my league I guess. That's sad.

Anyway, it's just really weird that today, for the first time in a very very very very looongggg time, I feel I'm ready to be in a relationship again... or not? I don't know... Today was kind of depressing in a way that I wanted to call someone or talk to someone other than my friends or family... someone I could share my heart with... someone who would just hold me and I'd feel better even without him saying anything... you know what I'm sayin? Probably not... but... oh well.

So yeah. I dig his goatee, his super cute chubby cheeks, his cool tats, his oh-so-clean-looking drunken state, his huggable-like-a-bear look, his coolness and smartness... the only thing I don't really dig about him... he works at a bank... and maybe I am judging myself too much, but working at a bank with his kind of position frustrates me... because when their VP offered me a job, I had to say no. Sad. Sad. Sad.

So I got a clear sign today. I had to go there this morning to make sure my account doesn't go negative again... and for the first time, he was not there. I didn't even see his car. I've been going there and he's always there. Always. But not today. So I don't know, probably his day off or something. Then on his site, he says "yeah, uhmmm.... no." It's like answering my question... "would you ever like me?" Guess not. Dammit I feel bad for myself. hahahah

BUT! I can't let him take the best of me. He doesn't even know me and I don't really know him. All I know about him is he seems to be nice and sweet - I'm not even sure of that. If future permits, I'll probably find out.

But for now, I have to deal. I have to live my life like before ... that is going straight to shower in the morning instead of checking his profile just to say good morning... or writing something sensible instead of these rants I have been writing the past days. You see, like I said, I hate him for making me like I am right now... it's not me. And insomnia... damn insomnia... I have got to sleep!!!!!!

I have to play my one republic CD now and hopefully this works again tonight and puts me to sleep...

goodnight james. =)

Untitled

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 03:18:22 +0000

when the sun shines on the sea, i miss you.
when the dim of moonlight is on the spring, i miss you.

From Afar

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 05:22:02 +0000

(originally written July 1, 2004)

did i just see you smile?
i'm sure you smiled.
was it for me?
or it's just you're happy?

i was looking at you from afar
you seemed happy putting coins in the jar.
was that shirt you're wearing blue?
or the bright sky was just reflecting on you? i always see you from afar
that's the only way i could reach you.
you're always sitting on that chair, in that same position,
and your face doesn't change a bit.

i always see you from there
there when only my eyes can touch you
please know that i'll never be too far
i will always look and smile at you from afar.

I'll Wait Another Day

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 06:37:39 +0000

Last Sunday right after I got home from Palm Springs, I didn’t know how else to spend the rest of my day off. I didn’t want to go to work. I had a book to read. I had two homeworks due. I had extra work waiting, and I had my room to clean. I skipped the book and saved it for my everyday cleansing schedule… ahem, if you know what I mean. I skipped the homework and decided I still have one more week to complete and mail them out. I skipped the extra work and decided to work on it later that night. And there I was standing in the middle of my room surrounded by piles and piles of dirty or clean (I didn’t know anymore) uniforms, black pants, underwears, hangers, socks, and jeans. I was going to just lie in bed and sleep than face my horror but my bed was filled with receipts I took out from my purse, more clothes (I think they were clean), pillows, and my comforter spread out. Damn, I could not see my bed. Laziness was empowering me too much. I sat in front of my computer and started playing around with my downloaded cliparts. After one hour, I finished a logo that even I was surprised. I finished half of my extra work. Yey. With the new company logo on hand, I finished the business card, the flyer, and the marketing letter. There began my Sunday. After I emailed all these to my boss, I decided to clean my room. I ended up repositioning my bed, filling up 2 hampers of dirty clothes, and realizing how many clothes I got since the clean ones would not all fit in my closet. At 6 pm, I was hungry, sweating like a pig, but fulfilled and… happy? Nah. Instead of cooking rice and heating up the leftover adobong pusit I decided I’d just eat the Tostitos and jalapeño cheddar dip I saw the other day in the pantry. Dammit, they weren’t there anymore… so I went for Maruchan beef noodles in front of Natutulog Ba Ang Diyos reruns. It was a good Sunday.
The nice feeling did not last the whole week. It’s Saturday now and I just feel more tired than ever. The whole week at work was hell. I was 2 employees short everyday, had to stay til 7 or 8, was feeling sick by Thursday, could not call in on Friday because no one could cover my shift. This morning I still had to work and endure the pain of unhappiness I had been ignoring for the past days.
Driving home this afternoon, I had a lot of thinking that made the 30 minutes drive on the I5 feel longer than driving to Palm Springs and back. I could not even remember how I got home. All I could think of was how I kept on thinking about my college days and how I lived my life back then… for some reason, I just could not remember how I spend 4 years there… and then it hit me. For the past days, I have been thinking a lot about my past relationship, my past friends, and the people I got to mingle with but seem to have forgotten about me. I found myself browsing through friendster after a quick gift shopping at Target.
And there he was… all smiling with someone new… someone I don’t know. He’s 400 miles away and yet his smile seems so near. He seemed happy. Good for him. I kept thinking about all the “what ifs” between us. What if we never parted, what if we stayed together, what if he was on this side of California, what if I didn’t let him go? But I did. No regrets and I won’t ever, I think… because that time was not our time… too cheesy and cliché you may say, but I really think we had the right love at the wrong time (credit to Barry Manilow). I’ve been shrugging the thought of contacting him and saying hi or at least staying friends. I don’t want to be part of his life anymore… I feel I will juts ruin his life by meddling again… by ending up asking him back. I don’t want to do that. I’m never going to beg for love.
See it is love that makes us weak. Because of love, we feel pain, and so we curl up like a baby and sob like a lost child in the middle of a busy market. Because of love, we feel our shoulders shaking, our lips tightening, our tears welling, our eyes swelling. You may say, it is love too that makes us strong. I agree, because the weakness that we feel when we love is room for us to be strong. It is because we feel weak that we persevere to be strong… to shrug the thoughts, to move around our bed, to extract our creative juices and come up with a professionally sculpted company logo. It is this freaking love that’s making me blabber and write endless blogs that I just could not stop typing… because my head won’t stop thinking… thinking about tomorrow, my future, am I going to be alone forever, am I still going to be lawyer someday, am I ever gonna get a better job, am I going to find real happiness.
Last Thursday I read my weekly horoscope and it said something about making time to be with friends, balancing work and play, and love letters coming my way. B.S. Why are horoscopes so accurate sometimes? It freaks me out… well at least the “love letters” part don’t because I know it’s impossible for me and that some other Pisces girl is probably receiving red roses right now.
Until now I still think about him and our past. My college years won’t be complete if it weren’t for him. I survived half of my Ateneo life because of him… and he probably didn’t even think so. He’s probably still mad at me for everything that had happened. He’s probably blaming me for it too. He probably felt miserable that time but I just got mad eventually because he tried too much to show it to my face that I was not that hard to replace… just months after, voila, a new girl in tow… which of course gave me the green light to get a man for myself. But who was I kidding? I was in love with him back then and all I asked was a little understanding… but I guess I was really that hard to understand and my situation was probably that complicated. But then again it’s been what, 5 years? Damn that’s long. His profile says he’s married now. He probably is. That new girl’s really pretty and it’s nice to see his mom, brother, and sister again. I wonder what happened to his dad. Last time I saw them was 3 years ago after our graduation ceremony. Oh dammit, shrug the thoughts Pia, shrug the thoughts….
Back to reality. Reality is, I may have feelings for him still. I don’t know. Or I’m just probably getting too lonely that I end up entertaining the thought of getting back with him… something like, because I haven’t had Coke for almost a year now and I totally miss soda so I’ll just go back and drink soda again. Nah. Soda is bad for your health… and so is he to me. Well, at least that time he was, but now, I think otherwise. We’ve matured and changed, for sure. So yun, yun lang.
Anyway, so why was I writing nga ba this blog? I don’t know. I haven’t written anything since what 2 months ago? Damn, I just realized right now that this is the first time I wrote something about him… this is the first blog I actually wrote about him!!!! Potek, patawarin na sana ako ng Diyos kung ano man yung mga nagawa ko noon para hindi nya na ako kinukunsensya ng ganito. Lord, here is my closure na… please let me move on peacefully?
Maybe this has been my problem all along. I let the past swing me back and forth like a yoyo. I have to cut the strings… so that I could let myself go somewhere else, meet someone else, be someone I’m supposed to be. I have to forget the pain, the hurt, the longing, the wanting… so that I could just be free and be happy with my friends, at work, and with my family. Love is just that – love. It’s a word that no one can really understand, explain, or define. It just is. So if it is the absence of it I feel that makes me sad everyday, I should be angry at myself… because I do have it… I have all the love in the world. Love from a guy to girl, I think, can be the lowest kind, if ranked with love of parents to child and vice versa , love of siblings to each other, and love of God. A romantic love is just second-rate… if ranked with love for a best friend or just simply love from a friend. The absence of romantic love is not something we should be sad about. It should not be something we put on top of ourselves. It should not be the one to make us weak. It should not be a tower of power where we draw strength from. There are a lot of stronger kinds of love… and I think this is something I should tell myself everyday. I don’t really need a guy to be happy. I need a beer or two though. Hahaha… kidding. Anyway, I’m just saying, what I’m going through right now is probably something a lot of you are going through as well… unless I am the only sad person in the world at this moment… which I highly doubt… I dare you say “I’m really really happy right now!” Hahha
So anyway, before this novel… I mean… this blog goes somewhere else, let me end it now so I can start another one. Hahaha
It’s Sunday again tomorrow, I haven’t heard mass for 2 Sundays now. Tomorrow, I hope to hear something that will give me goosebumps… something that will make me forget my pain, my sadness, and my longing for real happiness… and finally have a better week than had past.