my last piece of puzzle

Wed, 2 Feb 2005 17:06:42 +0000

all gonna end tonite. watever lousy feelings n pathetic life.

well. so finally i decided tat i shld stop going down le.

my mind's ready. yeap. but while my mind n heart struggle all these while, i sort of learn sth.

i need to listen to my heart too. yeap. i was overloaded with emotions that i chose to ignore all these while. n it hit me so hard. simply lost control of my emotions. i got angry wif myself my life. got impatient wif people ard me. all the wanna give up, wanna be alone n wanna turn cold kind of feelings juz keep coming in. yeap. overloaded.

made some painful decisions tat could affect my whole life.

i let go.

i gave up.

till now, i dunnoe if i did the right thing. giving up all that were so precious to me in exchange of pieces of my life n uncertainty.

im like walking my life once again. back to where i came from.

in search of the missing piece again. [=

'Stand still for a moment and look around. Look out at the sky. It's the same piece of sky we are staring at. And it's the same thing we are waiting for.'

Tue, 1 Feb 2005 17:09:34 +0000

pieces of me are all back wif me.

i was excited last nite. tinking that now my life is whole again, i would be happy.

i woke up wif the same feeling.

how i felt for the past few mornings.

i fall asleep everynite, looking forward to every tmr.

coz hoping that tmr, i might be the happy gal again.

am i too eager? too eager to be happy.

or r there still pieces of me out there?

*takes a deep breath*

for now. i'll listen to u.

i'll walk.

thru the passage of time.

n i believe wat u said.

that maybe juz ard the corner, i'll find that last piece. juz when i least expect it. [=

heart n mind

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 14:38:25 +0000

i've always been able to control my own emotions. tat's wat i always believe so.

logical-minded or independent u may call it.

when im feeling sad, i noe these are the moments that i just wanna feel pathetic about myself n hope that the whole world will sympatise wif me. juz sees the world turn dark. tearing in the corner of my room. feel lousy about everything and anithing.

but my mind wun allow me to go on like this for long. tat's y when i said i'll be fine, i realli mean it. juz let me go down, i'll pick myself up again.

i wun like my emotions take over me. my logic mind will give me a deadline. to feel pathetic n lousy until then. after which, im suppose to pick myself up again.

i dun wanna juz feel pathetic all my life. life's short. i wanna rem myself living my life to the fullest. i dun wan find myself crying in the corner all my daes.

tat's y to me, being happy or not is a choice. to let myself go down or not. tat's nth wrong wif feeling sad. i choose to feel lousy becoz i need to. it's times like this that i can find rest. to fall onto whoever who's willing to extend their arms. to depend on whoever who's willing to hold me. to rest on whoever who's willing to just watch me sleep. i juz wanna feel weak at these moments.

i told someone. tat this mind of mine is a gift from God.

my mind holds n not let my heart fall to where i cant even help myself up. my mind seals up the painful memories for me so that the heart will slowly forget. my mind heals so that scars becum less visible n the heart dun hurt that much. my mind stops the tears to remind me to be strong again.

but somehow this mind feels tired now. lost its will to control. the heart's overtaking now.

i see those painful memories.

i feel the scars n the pain.

i can't stop the tears.

i feel weaken n juz wanna fall.

maybe i'll let this tired mind take a rest. a long-deserved break. it has been fighting a battle to keep me happy for too long.

but. yeap. u noe wat i'll sae.

i'll be fine.

Sat, 15 Jan 2005 15:51:53 +0000

a forgotten site.

im back here again.

im disappointed wif myself.

how much i told myself not to cum back here again.

check up on some frens' lifes.

lotsa sad n dejected entries.

i wished i could help. to bring them up.

but im weak myself too.

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 13:37:17 +0000

decided to leave this blog.

i refuse to use this blog to explain myself to anione animore.

my thoughts will just be for myself.

Tue, 7 Dec 2004 02:27:30 +0000

hmmmm. it\'s 7th!

yeap. leaving for titi tonite le.

stress man.

my bag is heavy. budden, tink still got somemore stores haven put in. -scared-

seriously dunnoe wat\'s awaiting me. juz mentally prepared tat road ahead is damn tough.

hehe. last nite went to buy summit surprise wor! but, haha dunnoe whether the boys like anot. muahaha.

well, thanx to skee dear for the summit surprises and encouragements. thanx to all friends for the well-wishes. hehe.

will be back soon, on 15th morning.

boi, please take care of urself wor. gonna miss u lotz. [=

byee peepz.

to all odac babes n hunks: hey enjoy ur trips wor. the great outdoor awaits u! [=

Fri, 3 Dec 2004 17:41:48 +0000

haha. completed the first aid course. my goodness. din expect in one dae lah. haha. so lidat becum certified first aider le. but again, we all noe that whatever we can learn in class rooms r limited. when met with actual situation, it\'s very much on our reaction le. haha no wonder the instructor kept emphasizing how heavy our cert is. =b

then it was odac bbq. it\'s realli very good food. n there\'s alot of food! woo-hoo! so happie eating the wings n crabstick, chilli stingray n sotong! haha. celebrated terry\'s bdae n fx empty a box of water onto him. he\'s the best. coz he got water all over jas too. haha. now terry noes the hp plot. hahah so moral of the story: 1)keep ur hp as close to u as possible. it MAY save u. 2)dun believe yucheng when he saes he wanna borrow ur hp. haha. it\'s realli damn fun everytime the whole com r together.non-stop jokes n luffter n suanings. wow, it\'s alf a year gone le. i wonder what will happen when all of us is back at the agm nex sem. haha. i better dun cry again!

hehe. i dunnoe if moi xiao mei is still reading this, but woo-hoo! congrats for passing ur driving test. haha im damn happie lah. hahaha supper!!!!

hao le. i shld sleep le. gd nite peepz. [=

Thu, 2 Dec 2004 18:43:14 +0000

counting down to titiwangsa.

stress. seriously stress. i noe im the slowest n weakest in the team. yeap. i got to make it. haha i muz be damn out of my mind to go titi. im not regretting it, but i do feel the stress n stuffs.

aniwei, yeap got a new look now. cut n rebonded my hair. ok. dun ask me niz or not. haha. i haven much got use to my look yet. haha. i\'ll look at the mirror more then.

nex. singapore idols. tcs make it till it\'s like the show of the season or wat. but still, i do watch it. haha. n yeap, despite the fact that im surrounded by taufik fans, i muz say that i still prefer sylvester. oh, and i heard that. \'aiyah onli ah lians n toopid little gals like him lah. u ah lian mah, so sure prefer the ah beng\'. get a life lah. i do admit that taufik has a stronger vocal, but that doesn\'t mean sylvester cant sing. they r juz two different singers, who has different style of singing. even when they sing the same song \'i dream\' they deliver it so differently. so, i juz so happen to prefer sylvester\'s kind of singing. i mean i find it so ridiculous when people compares him n taufik as \'talent\' vs \'popularity\'. c\'mon lah, make it sound as if sylvester is totally talentless. too bad if u dun like his voice. but fyi he CAN sing. but then again im glad that sylvester din win. if he wins, we can all expect the newspapers to start slamming him like crazy. n start reporting those childish news abt becoz he has sympathy votes n stuffs.

alrite, tink im going to sleep. vinvin\'s waiting too. [=

gdnite!

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 18:31:45 +0000

hmmm my computer quite good mood todae. so yeap. decide to blog abit.

saw sy todae. she\'s one of my bestest frens since sec sch. her dad juz passed away. she flew back from aussie. she\'s looks ok juz now. yeap. she\'s coping. she\'s a strong ger. dunnoe why. forcing back my tears when i see her. juz felt so much for her. though we sort of drifted apart since she left for aussie. but yeap, she had neber left my heart. she will be best friend, always.

her mum was my sec sch teacher, one of the teachers i respect the most. i dunnoe how to describe the feeling when i saw her juz now. yeap. she look worn out. i dunnoe if this is the rite word to use. but my haert juz went down when i saw her. sigh. n siangyu too. she was crying when i saw her.

rite now, yeap, i dunnoe wat else i can do for except to pray.

Lord, juz watch over her n her family.

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 18:52:00 +0000

official announcement! shangzhe is back! haha.

he came back todae n called me. yeap. he actually called me wor. i mean.. wow... iceman actully called me. damn happie lah! haha. tat i muz cum in here to share my joy.

was so damn bored reading all my numerical analysis stuffs n suddenly a strange number appeared on my fone. n the voice is so so unfamiliar. n is shangz! i was still tinking todae. it seems like shangz is suppose to be back todae. haha

yeap. welcum back. [=