Confessions

The first move

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:45:15 +0000

Being someone who comes clean with his intentions, it's very difficult for me to "propose". Unlike most players, I don't want to use lies and deceit. From what I've observed and researched (by interviewing women who have had such experiences), some men play to the weaknesses of women and offer them promises of love and devotion. Some even go as far as making the woman fall for them first, then ask them to have sex as proof of their love. Others rely on liquor and taking advantage of the few moments when a woman's inhibitions are weaker or relaxed. The Art of Seduction actually stresses on "building a need", making your target want you so much that they'll be willing to do anything for you.

I've already said I don't want to hurt anyone if I could help it, hence my straightforward approach. Which is very very difficult. Women have natural defenses against "perverts" like me (I think I'm average though) and I've gotten a few negative reactions after such proposals. I don't mind rejection, but it's the judging that I don't like that much. So I've become wary of taking that first step, of making that invitation.

I was very torpe growing up, hence my becoming a late-bloomer and having little relationship experience prior to graduating from college. Those torpe characteristics really come up every time I consider asking someone, and it makes it really hard for me to make the first move. Which is good, in a way, because it limits me from damaging my reputation too much and from misbehaving. I can just imagine how bad people would think of me if I didn't have limits.

Which brings a known player that used to work in the same company as me to mind. I don't know much about him, other than he was really known as a womanizer around the office. He'd flirt with different women at work, and for some reason he doesn't get flak for it. Not as much as I did, anyway, after word of my "phase" leaked out (4 years of me being behaved thrown out the window--people only really remember the bad things don't they?).

I had a glimpse of his style and proof of his activities from conversations with 3rd, 4th and 7th. According to 3rd, who worked with him directly, he would simply ask women to have sex with them. He wasn't someone who promised love or anything, just a good time. I don't think he's handsome, he's the bad boy type actually (which a lot of women dig, apparently). 3rd admitted that the guy asked her, but she refused.

7th confirmed this guy's methods a few months ago, after we revisited our experiences. She had denied having relations with the guy when I asked her then, but this year she admitted fucking him once. According to her, he was persistent, and she thought "what the hell, let's go for it". I didn't ask about their experience, for fear of it becoming better than ours (which was good for me but being a quickie, well, I'll just say that if she gave me another chance I'll show her what I'm capable of under more realistic time constraints). 4th actually stumbled upon an email exchange between this guy and another officemate that confirmed they had sex.

I'm still quite amazed at this guy's success rate, given that our methods are similar. Oh, I have to concede the fact that he's more outgoing than I am and actually goes out with officemates to drink, so maybe the alcohol is also giving him a plus factor. I have to admit that I envy him, but only a bit--at this point in my "phase", I've realized that quality is more important than quantity. No matter how many experiences I get, if they're not nice experiences then I won't be any closer to my end goal: going straight and giving up this kind of life.

Lesson five - Communication

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:42:18 +0000

One thing I've learned through my previous experiences is that if you decide to engage in infidelities, then you need to set some communication rules with your partner(s). Being that these activities aren't really legal, openly communicating about them can cause trouble for both parties involved, especially when the person you're in a legal relationship with is constantly checking up on you. Which is the reason why I set certain rules for communcation. I don't want to go into details because "a magician never reveals his secrets" (but really, I don't want to make anyone a better "player" of the "game") so I'll just talk about general concepts.

The most important guideline and I think the first rule that needs to be established is there needs to be a way of determining if (1) you've reached the right person and (2) if it's a good time to talk about what you need to talk about (3) without revealing too much if it turns out that you're not talking to the right person. All three conditions need to be met before both parties can start talking about what they want to talk about.

The second guideline is both parties need to establish alternatives for "unsafe words" just in case someone happens to gain access to the conversation. This is to avoid having to blatantly state anything, and one can't ever be certain that the lines of communication (text messages, emails, chat conversations) will always be secure. It's easier to persuade someone to dismiss suspicious behavior than it is to convince them not to mind any hard evidence.

The third guideline is establishing a quick and efficient "out", something that will inform both parties that the communication has/will end or has already ended. This will prevent one side from sending any unwanted communication signals because they had no clue that it's not a good time to continue the conversation.

Now that I'm reading this, I think it's still too specific, I'm sure it's going to give others some good ideas. Oh well, I don't want to simply delete this. I'd like to hear other viewpoints about this topic, so I'll have to trust that anyone wishing to use these as a guide knows that they're responsible for their own actions.

What you don't know won't hurt you

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:19:14 +0000

The idiom "what you don't know won't hurt you" applies to acts done without one's knowledge that may be directly harmful to that specific person or not. And from personal experience and observation, I can attest to this idiom's truthfulness. When I was completely unaware that people I was working with were talking behind my back, I felt nothing. But when I found out what they did, I felt hurt. I would have never felt anything had I remained oblivious to the situation. In several aspects, this idiom is very similar to the popular saying "ignorance is bliss", the main difference is that saying "what you don't know won't hurt you" is specifically talking about any potentially hurtful act done against you.

This fact of life is one of the reasons why people are able to do hurtful things to those whom they love or care about. Now, the degrees or level of pain that different acts can cause varies depending on the act and people involved, but the basic idea remains the same. Everyone (and I dare anyone who can claim that he/she has not done anything consciously to hurt their partners/friends/families to speak up) does hurtful things to our loved ones at one point in our lives or another because we know that they will not get hurt if they never find out about what we did. It can be as minor as a white lie about not going to a party because "you're not feeling well" when in fact you don't like the person who invited you, or can be as bad as sleeping around behind your partner's back. It can involve lying to your parents, telling them that you'll spend the night over at a friends house to finish a project but in reality you're just out partying. It can be lying to your son or daughter about not being able to purchase a copy of their favorite magazine because the magazine stand "ran out of stock", but in reality you just didn't want to bother going out of your way just for a silly magazine.

So when you find yourself talking to a person who's supposed to be caring for you and loving you, and they claim that they "never meant to hurt you", they could be telling the truth. I'm sure they never meant for you to find out what they did, because "what you don't know can't hurt you".

Why can't I?

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:40:54 +0000

Why can't I make love to you? Is is because:

we're too familiar with each other? Has it become too ordinary now that we spend almost every minute of our lives together?
I don't find you physically attractive any longer?
I get more pleasure when it's taboo?
I'm guilty about what I've been doing behind your back?
there's never a good opportunity for making love?

If I had a cold heart

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:33:46 +0000

If I had a cold heart, I could say this to your face:

"You can't lose what you never had in the first place."

That's the cold hard truth. You never had me. I never gave myself to you. I made it clear right from the start that my heart belonged to someone else. What we had was special, but it wasn't love. It meant something, but it didn't mean love. I will always be there for you, but not in the way that you want me to be.

The Hardest Thing

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:44:56 +0000

It's amazing how some songs can accurately capture how one feels. I can still remember how much I could relate to this song a few years ago, so much that I can still feel how I felt then:

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us trying to be strong

I've got somewhere else to be, promises to keep
Someone else who loves me and trusts me fast asleep

I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry

I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be

It's the hardest thing I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind

Like Dr. Zhivago, all my love I'll be sending
And you will never know cause there can be no happy ending

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry

I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be

Dear lie, you suck

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:13:08 +0000

My 1st informed me that their company is sponsoring a program-wide team building event at Enchanted Kingdom (one of the renowned amusement parks of the country) and we were both reminded of one of what I consider to be the lowest points of my life. It involved having to lie to both 1st and 2nd, lies that were so bad and so completely deceiving that remembering the entire situation is enough to make me sick.

I was able to successfully be in two relationships at the same time because my original relationship was of the long distance kind--1st lived quite a distance away, more than 24 hours by sea and 2 hours by air. I had further given myself freedom by deceiving 1st and letting her believe that employees of our company were probihited to bring mobile phones within our premises (a half-truth, anyone level 2 and below are supposed to deposit mobile phones at the guards posted on each floor's entrances). This allowed me to not communicate with her for entire shifts -- I didn't have to worry about being off the grid, I know how people worry about their significant others when they just drop all communication lines for hours but my creative mind helped me get past that roadblock.

Unfortunately, 2nd (who by then, believed that she was the only one remaining in my life) kept on insisting that we have a trip to Enchanted Kingdom after work. I couldn't think of a good reason to say no. Well, there was one good reason. I could've told her that I lied to her and that I was still in a relationship with 1st. Yeah right. So, my mind went to work on a new lie. I planted the seeds early that day, informing 1st that I ate street food before "surrendering" my phone at the guard post. At the end of my shift, I had sent her a message to inform her that I did not feel well and that I decided to sleep it off rather than attempt to head home as I feared I would lose consciousness on the road. I was hoping to be home around the afternoon (I worked at night), so I thought this would be an okay excuse at the time.

Turned out that 2nd didn't want to leave that early. We ended up staying until after the sun had set. I didn't want 1st to die of worrying about me, so I attempted to send her messages to let her know that I was still alive, just recuperating and recovering from the bad food that I ate. Well, I got caught by 2nd during one such attempt. "Who are you texting?" she asked. She insisted on taking a look at my phone. Uh-oh.

"I'm texting my best friend. I don't want you to see our messages because I don't want to spoil my surprise for you." I said. Hey, I was under time pressure, give me some credit. I acted like I was frustrated, because I wanted to surprise her with a gift and her being nosy is spoiling it for both of us. She bought it.

When we got back to the office, it was already time for our next shift. Not good for me since, well, I had to work on an excuse for 1st. I called her up and let her know that I was well rested and given a clean bill of health by our company nurse, and that I believed I was well enough to go to work because I had to finish important reports. She bought it.

Unfortunately for all of us, my lies did not prevent the truth from getting out. 2nd had taken pictures of us at the amusement park, and in an attempt to advertise her ownership of me, she posted those pictures on her social networking site. Which 1st was monitoring religiously, by the way (she knew that 2nd and I were linked in some way). I shudder everytime I'm reminded of the darkest moments of that stage in my life.

So, despite missing Enchanted Kingdom, it looks like there are still quite a few painful and uncomfortable memories involving that place. I don't think I'll ever be able to spend time with 1st there. Honestly, I can't believe the depth of the deception that I was able to sink to, I hope I won't have to sink that low again.

Opportunity

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:15:11 +0000

She's got her place to herself tonight. I know better, and yet I was tempted on taking this opportunity. But... I didn't let temptation get the best of me this time.

I've also been... suppressing myself. More than once, I've been tempted to proposition someone or to place myself in a situation where I'd be able to proposition someone. What's disappointing is why I'm able to suppress myself -- it's not because I think it's bad to do what I've done in the past already, it's because I find the act of having to proposition someone a bit humiliating. Like I'm the ultimate pervert in the world.

I can't help but wonder sometimes if what I'm experiencing is just a phase or... or if this is really who I am.

The Dating Game

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 08:47:54 +0000

6th had a date yesterday. It was a clean date--she was set up by one of her friends--and I'm glad she was open to it. Unfortunately the guy wasn't all that great. I was really hoping that he'd be the guy who'll steal her heart away and save me the trouble of breaking it to get her off my back. If someone would do that for me, I wouldn't have to and we'd be friends, just how I want it to be. Oh well, maybe next time.

4th will have a date this weekend. Unfortunately, it's not going to be a clean date--she's planning to have sex with the guy. I'm not jealous or anything, but I worry about her safety and well being. She's planning to have sex with a guy that she hasn't even met in person just because she really really wants to get laid already. Despite the almost-rape that happened to her the last time she had sex, she can't abstain from it. I can't stop her -- the only way for me to do that would be to fuck her, and I don't want to do that anymore because she was starting to get clingy and emotional during the last couple of times that we did it. So all I can do is pray that she's taken good care of, and that she doesn't catch anything she doesn't want.

Me? Well, I don't have any dates this week. As far as 1st is concerned, we're both such homebodies that we'd rather stay home and watch DVDs. I've been asking her to eat out, but she constantly refuses, citing the need to save money as a reason. And her weekend's going to be fully packed, with a company outing planned on Saturday and a meeting with her college pals on Sunday. So there's no time for us to go on a date this week.

As for other dates, I was thinking of "mentoring" my "apprentice" but she's quite busy, so we'll see how that goes. I'd like to give her a reward for all the hard work she's been doing for the past couple of months, it's been a while since I really did something to make a woman feel good so if we get an opportunity I'm going to do my best to make her feel good in an up-to-third-base-only kind of way. I've been meaning to practice giving a real massage, I think if there's anyone who deserves to get one, she's a top candidate. But again, this is IF we get an opportunity.

How about you? Do you have a date this week?

Under the influence

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 21:10:05 +0000

Yesterday, 4th talked about the party that she attended last weekend. It was sponsored by the company, with free alcoholic beverages, so a lot of people got drunk. According to her, wherever you looked, people were making out. And I found that frightening. Drinking can lower a person's inhibitions beyond a level that I'm comfortable with.

I remember both 6th and 2nd requesting if we can have sex after getting some drinks. Is it because they want to be free of inhibitions? Well, I've never had the chance to try it with 6th, but I've tried that with 2nd. We got to the drinking part and never got to the sex part.

Years ago, 2nd and I attended one of the company parties. Alcoholic beverages were allowed, so it was a good chance for us to have a couple of free drinks. Well, she ended up drinking too much. On our way to a motel, she got carsick and when we got to our room, she was too sick to do anything but sleep. And throw up. So I was there for her, holding her hand and supporting her as she vomitted. Nothing happened between us that night, and she apologized.

Honestly, I'm not really turned on at the idea of sleeping with someone who doesn't have full control of themselves. It feels so much more fulfilling for me to share that sexual moment with someone who is fully aware of their actions because then, I know that she wants it enough to go beyond her inhibitions. I also don't like the thought of having sex but being too drunk to remember the details after.

I was advised by a guy that I should get a woman intoxicated first in order to be more successful, and 4th even told me that if I only went out and drank with women, I wouldn't have problems convincing them. But... I don't want to turn to alcoholic beverages for reasons I've already stated. So, it's my loss, I guess.