I have no wit, I have no words.

HAPLOS.

Mon, 11 May 2009 16:48:00 +0000

Alas dose sa YM chatroom.

Nagpaalam na ako kay Carla, sa kadahilanang hindi ko pa pala nahuhugasan ang mga pinggan at lagpas alas dose na ng gabi. Pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari, na tila baga nagkaroon ng sariling buhay at isip ang aking mga daliri, tinipa nito sa Google ang pangalang RICHTER OGNITA. At nagulat sa naging resulta. Kasabay ang antisipasyon sa kung ano ang laman ng unang resultang lumabas. Kaba, dahil baka sa wakas, may nahanap na akong kunektado sa kahapon niya. Takot, na baka isa lamang iyong maling akala.

At ngayon, ako'y lumuluha.

Nakilala ko si Richter sa catwalk ng PUP noong taong 2003. Isang tawiran ang nakapagitan sa amin, pero yun ang simula ng isang mababaw na pagkakakilanlan, subalit malalim para sa akin. Sa tabas ng dila ng lahat ng nakakakilala sa kanya, ramdam kong para akong isang huwad na walang karapatang kumuha ng kursong madalas ay mga henyo lamang ang kumukuha. Pero dahil sa kanya kaya ako nagpursigeng magpatuloy. Na hindi ko tinapos. Sasaglit ang mga panahong nagkakausap kami. Kaswal. Matipid. Pero matindi.

Hinding-hindi ko malilimutan ang huling ngiti niya. Sa wakas, natapos na rin niya ang thesis niya at magmamartsa na. Ngunit may isang hadlang: hindi tugma ang lohikang pinresenta niya sa panel. Nakita kong bumagsak ang pag-asang bumalot sa kanyang mukha, nalungkot ako para sa kanya. Na hindi rin naman nagtagal dahil binigyan siya ng pagkakataon na ayusin ang mumunting problemang iyon. Ang hindi niya maitagong kasiyahan habang nakupo siya sa bakal na naghihwalay sa anim na pulgadang konkretong kaligtasan at anim na palapag na bangin ng kamatayan, ay sapat na upang ako ay matuwa ng lubusan para sa kanya. Tahimik ako sa tabi niya noong oras na yun. Tahimik na nagdiriwang sa natamo niyang tagumpay.

Kalahating taon ang lumipas, nabalitaan kong may trabaho na siya pagkatapos niyang mag martsa. Hindi rin naman agad agad naputol ang komunikasyon naming dalawa. Nagkaroon pa nga ng pagkakataon na nagalit ako sa kanya dahil sa sinabi nya, na tama naman dahil ako talaga ang mali. Wala ako sa lugar. Pati ang galit ko ay wala sa lugar. pero patuloy siya pag-uunawa. Hanggang sa pati ang mumunting komunikasyon na iyon ay nawala.

Abril, isang taon ang nakalipas. Nagising ako sa ingay ng mga nagpaparada. Hindi ko naman ugali ang magpadala sa mga ingay, madalas pa nga ay isinasawalang bahala ko ang mga yun, pero iba nung umagang yun. Napabalikwas ako sa higaan. Tiningnan ang cellphone na nagkukubli sa ilalim ng unan. May isang mensahe galing kay Lourissa, ang presidente ng Philosophical Society ng PUP.

Huminto ang mundo ko sa mensahe niya.

Tet, wla n c Richter.

Ayaw kong maniwala. Kahit nagpaliwanang na siya at sinabing totoo iyon at hind siya nagbibiro, sinubukan kong itext ang Mama ni Richter at ito ang aking natanggap:

My son, Richter, is dead.

Nangilid ang luha sa aking mga mata at nagpatuloy na ito sa pagbagsak. Gusto kong isiping masamang panaginip lamang yun. Pero totoo ang bawat patak ng luha sa aking mga pisngi. Patuloy ang sakit sa aking dibdib. Patuloy ang masakit na pagtanggap na totoo nga ang balitang natanggap ko nung umagang yun.

Wala na siya. Wala na ang taong nagagandahan sa mga babaeng naka kulay asul na damit. Wala na ang Hua Zi Lei ng Humanities Department. Wala na ang kilalang skater sa Humanitites Department. Wala na ang taong mabilis maglakad at magaling mawala sa alon ng mga taong sabay sabay naglalakad. Wala na ang taong nagpakilala sa akin na hindi masamang tumuklas ng iba't ibang bagay, lalo na ang relihiyon. Wala na ang taong inaasam asam kong makita araw-araw kahit alam na alam ko naman na malabong mangyari. Wala na ang taong itinaas ko ng husto, dahil siya'y may prinsipyo. Dahil siya'y mabuting tao.

Hindi ko aakaling sa loob ng tatlong taong ito, kung saan paminsan minsan ay sumasagi siya sa isip ko, hindi ko akalaing matutunton ko ang isang munting espasyong inilaan para sa kanya. Para sa katiting na paniniwala't prinsipyo niya na gustong niyang iparating sa mundo. Binuhay nito ang alaala niya. Binuhay nito ang damdaming hindi ko akalaing mararamdaman kong muli. Kasabay nito ang tila eksaktong pagkakasunod sunod ng mga mensahe niyang hindi ko nabura isang taon bago siya pumanaw. Na kapag mababasa ko'y hindi maiiwasan ang pag ngilid ng luha sa aking mga mata. Kung saan ang huling mensahe'y mas lalong nagdadala ng luha at sakit na kalaunay naging unti-unti pagtanggap. Pagtanggap na hindi ko na kailanman makikita pa si Richter. Ngunit patulloy siyang buhay. At ito ang katunayan.

Richter Lunzaga Ognita

May 23, 1982-April 19, 2006

WISH I WAS THERE.

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 03:07:00 +0000

While it may be hard for my generation to fathom what exactly was the lifestyle during the 70s, I must say that I have always been intrigued, ergo, fascinated by it. Both my parents have been blessed enough to have lived in that time and I am never satisfied with their answers whenever I ask them about stuffs, more specifically, Rock and Roll.

I would blame this whole fascination thingy during my early years, when I was around nine or ten years old. We had a good lifestyle back then for my father was able to work abroad and every time he goes home for a month-long vacation, hordes and hordes of cassette tapes would overflow our living room sofa. I would eventually find myself looking at those cassette tapes and wonder why would my father buy all of those music and would even wonder more as to why my father didn't even bought me a single cassette tape (as to those times, I would say that I am pretty much in awe of Pinoy bands such as PnE or Eraserheads). Since I was too young back then to really relish what music is all about, I always end up listening to those tapes whenever my father would have his friends come over for drinks. The earliest that I could remember singing myself to was Eagle's Hotel Califonia. I know, I know, Hotel California is one of those pseudo-rock songs but what the hell, that song opened doors for me. My father would switch from Eagles to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Crossby, Still, Nash and Young to Simon & Garfunkel (which I disliked at first), Led Zeppelin and who knows what else.

This whole 70-ish itch that I am currently having spawned from watching movies about 70s Rock and Roll lifestyle (e.g, Almost Famous, Detroit Rock City, Sid and Nancy, Control) and yes, by the wonders of the interweb itself. I could not have known that Rock and Roll era could have been the coolest era to have lived in without the interweb. It is just a shame I wasn't able to live through it. But then again, all these gloriousness, these praises, could I have been able to express my desire to live during that era if I was here in the Philippines? I don't think so. For even if the Philippines was one of the popular, if not, richest amongst Southeast Asia, the Rock and Roll scene here would be measly compared to the scene in America.

I fantasize about being able to live during those years, being a teenager on my way to true sense of freedom, by that I meant going wherever you like, listening to whatever you like, much like the life of a groupie (which is hard to come by today). It could have been really great to be able to be "friends" with all of those bands, scratch that, poets that made such beautiful music, even for just a night or a day (and sleeping with them would be a bonus LOL), nothing serious, and your personal life is in its truest form: PERSONAL. Having a pseudonym would be neat and then after years of being with them, experiencing it all first hand, you would disappear, vanish, like that of a smoke from a cigarette. It would have been great. It would have been such a pleasure and an honor as well.

After being able to finally know these poets and their beautiful music, I wonder if there is a single musician out there who truly makes good music and is a poet by heart. Like Ian Curtis whom I have adored by his poems alone. By Lou Reed, whose Venus In Furs made such an impact on me, about sadomasochism and dirty, and I mean dirty women. Like Simon & Garfunkel's never-ending opus of sorts. And let us not forget Led Zeppelin's contribution to all of these beautiful chaos. Their Achilles' Last Stand bounded me senseless when I first heard it. And yes, Jim Morisson. He, is a vision of pure brilliancy, alongside Ian Curtis for that very matter.

I still don't think that I am much of music junkie today and back then but I have developed a new sense of wave of emotions whenever I listen to my preferred music of choice, depending on my mood.

And this is just one of those moods that resulted to a two-hour "writer's block" and finally releasing all of those thoughts, no matter how senseless and grammatically-wrong.

I AM SO BRAIN DEAD.

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:02:00 +0000

I've been online for what, six hours to say the least yet I haven't done anything err, fruitful aside from posting Hum's sonically-space rock of a song called STARS.

Okay, I digress. But I just need to vent.

ANYHOO.

I am now certain that:

1. First impression doesn't last.
2. And really, you can't judge a book by it's cover.

That "guy" is the epitome of those two things I've learned today. Like, big fucking time. I never thought he could suture such good English grammar, let alone know the meaning of conspicuously. LOL. Babaw, right?

I admit, he earned my respect. I was wrong at thinking that he is stupid and there's nothing that he knows except to whore himself out to others by his looks and clothes and err, his I-deny-being-cool-but-I-really-think-I'm-cool-because-unlike-you-I-listen-to-rock-music bravado, he is by far, the most relatively intellectual person guy (among those I've thought to be stupid) I've met, hands fucking down.

VELVET HEAVEN.

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 14:12:00 +0000

Hindi ako makapagsulat ng maayos.

Pero ito lang ang sigurado:

Sana matuloy ang summer youth rock camp o kung anuman ang tawag dun na pinopropose ng school. Bakit? dahil mabibigyan nito ng pagkakataon ang mga nilalang na tulad ko na matutong tumugtog ng instrumento. Kaya ko namang tumugtog sa gitara. Ng tatlong kanta.
Uuwi na si Papa. Masayang malungkot.
Masaya ako sa buhay ko ngayon, hindi dahil sa naenlighten ako mula sa dalawang araw na summer youth camp retreat na yan, sadyang ngumingiti lang ang Diyos sa akin mula pa nung nagsimula ang taon. O siguro hindi na lang ako ganun ka nega sa mga nangyayari sa paligid ko. Hindi ko sasabihin na hindi ako kailanman nagalit mula nung Enero, may mga pagkakataong irasyonal ako, pero nalalampasan ko ang mga yun. At mas marami pa rin ang magagandang alaala at memorya kesa sa mga bangungot na dala ng mga hindi kanais-nais na nilalang.
Kasiyahan ang mahihita sa mga mukha ng mga nilalang na nasa mga litrato dito.

DISTANT AS THE MILKY WAY.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 04:15:00 +0000

Last Saturday after our Sta. Cena, I was finally able to register myself at Comelec! Booyah to that! With me and my brother, were our cousins, who suddenly crashed at our house and told us that they have plans to go to Comelec. We were supposed to drop Bhebang to PCHS but she decided not to go anymore and just go with us to register as well. There was no heavy traffic and we got there at around 1 and we had to wait because apparently, it was their lunch break. When they finally let us in, Bhebang had problems because all she brought was her school ID and several IDs from the hospitals, and according to the interviewer, a birth certificate must be presented to validate those IDs. She was *this* close to going apeshit and maybe because it was illogical to send her home and go back for another week just to register, the OIC finally let her register because Bhebang's father is a Makati resident since birth and has been voting since 18.

It was a friggin' laugh trip when we were filling out the forms. My cousin Macmac was such an idiot he mistakenly wrote his name as his parent's name on the form. We were just playing at the Comelec office, I swear, the staff were giggling whenever we pointed out each other's stupidity. After filling out the forms, we were instructed to go to this guy (I swear, I've seen him before but I don't know where) to have our photos taken. My cousins had their photos taken only once and they never get the chance to see their final photos. When it was my turn, I had my photo taken twice! Hah! After the registration we decided to have a drive-thru and fill ourselves with fasfood. The whole experience was fun and being with my cousins made it worthwhile.

--------------

I was supposed to have my job interview for PreVal last week (as part of our Final grade). But because I was not told about it, I missed it and thank God I did. When I asked my instructress about me missing the interview, she said there is still an interview Wednesday this week (that was yesterday). I dreaded it when my classmate told me that rumor has it that Ms. Abs from the Admin is the one assigned to have us interviewed. I was like, "Oh my Lord, Help me." I was too nervous yesterday that I went to school 30 minutes early. I hang out by this room my classmates were using to practice their dance presentation for their PE class first. I was relieved when I found out that Ms. Abs went home early, and Ma'am Weng was the one assigned to interview me. Yay! Yes, I am that happy because I am already at ease and comfortable with Ma'am Weng. I mean, she's my intructress at almost every computer subject. Of course I wouldn't say that I am bot nervous anymore when I found out about it, I was still very nervous. When it was my turn, the nervousness wore off and I was proud of myself for answering her questions. After the interview she said I did well and kudos because I handled myself quite confidently during the interview. Whoo hoo! I felt like dancing after that. LOL.

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WRONG GRAMMING. (: lol.

COUNTING ON THE NIGHT FOR A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 06:19:00 +0000

I feel like crying. And it is all because of the petty reason that I won't be able to see KOL perform live, EVER. I mean, if it weren't for the mainstream success of Only By The Night, they wouldn't have gotten so much airplay for Sex on Fire and Use Somebody here in the third world country. I think they don't have much of a fan base here so the chances of seeing them perform here in Pinas would be slim. I still have hopes though. LOL.

I wish I live in NZ. Especially in Wellington.

Because they have cleaner air. LOL. Seriously, its because The Kills and KOL will be there this March. I know, utterly lame reason. So yeah, I cried when I found out Arctic Monkeys had this one night performance there. Lame, right?

Anyhoo, I've been trying to play their Use Somebody on the guitar. I really must take learning how to play the damn guitar seriously.

I still feel like crying.

MEASURING IN A SUMMER'S DAY.

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 09:16:00 +0000

There are a LOT of things that I am looking forward to in the next three months or so, and while I am not the list-type of person (but geeky and trivial lists are always an exception because they're just informative and err, geeky), I will take this time to have those things in a list form to evade wrong grammar.

The web design seminar on the 21st. - Just another excuse to get away from Makati. LOL.
The retreat excursion for my PreVal subject. - Hello, Iba, Zambales. (Just another excuse to get away from the city. HAHAHAA)
Summer classes. - Because school baon would be lovely.
Father's homecoming. - Enough said.
Kuya Pipoy's wedding. - Just another excuse to dress up.
Impromptu swimming excursions. - 'Cause my whole family is made up of pure unpredictableness.

-------------

My kid brother just shrugged his shoulders when I told him that the PC has only 1G of memory left. It's either he shrugged his shoulders because he knew he couldn't hit me for I constantly save files and download lots of stuff (mainly albums, Hello WinRAR files! ) and never clean-up the ones I no longer use and he knew that it's really my fault or he stopped caring about the PC and he doesn't want anything to do with it anymore.

I have to fucking finish my Computer Graphics and OS project before this PC crash.

THE END OF NIGHTS I TRIED TO DIE.

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 09:27:00 +0000

"Apparently I have not been bleeding enough lately to be that entertaining. And some have packed up and left me for redder pastures. Dried blood is not nearly as entertaining as fresh wounds." - I Am Jack

And when did I ever become "entertaining" huh?

Just my thoughts, exactly.

HYDROMORPHONE-INDUCED STASIS.

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:31:00 +0000

MUST:

Get real sleep.
Avoid absences due to constant procrastination.
Stop whining.
Print the CV due on Wednesday.
Take the remaining Midterms exams (Computer Graphics, Operating Systems and PreVal).
Buy a new set of earphones.

WANTS:

To go thrift-shopping.
To rent DVDs (but can't because I slammed the DVD player's remote control during one of those emotional outbursts).
To know if Choke is already available at Quiapo.
To sing!
The Joker shirt availabe at Hot Topic.

NEEDS:

To sleep normally.
To stop making this list because I know I'm not good at keeping them.

PIRATE SKULLS AND BONES.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 13:01:00 +0000

TWO NIGHTS AGO:

Comforting friends.
Lazy instructors.
Road trips at the The Fort.
Drive-thru.
Sundaes and fries.
Broken car doors.

YESTERDAY:

Annoying old friends.
Immature and bitchy old friends.
A tad bore school fair.
Hot afternoons.
Liars.
Sick toddlers.

YESTERNIGHT:

A mile-long walk from Pembo to San Joaquin, Pasig.
Blocked ATM account.
Combo Float.
Road trips at The Fort.

TODAY:

A blah NSTP class.
Out-of-place galore.
Leg muscle pains.
Siomai whoring.
Missing movie booths from Alma Mater's school fair.
Leg muscle pains.

Happy Mushy Day y'all.