and my parents are away. stress. my lola keeps on asking me all these eh? questions that i should not be worrying about given i'm not married with kids, i had to sweep dog poo (of the really big dalmatian that has easily knocked me over before; the small one's boarding at the vet) because the helper is new** and scared of said dog, i had to do papers and fix things because if i don't no one will, and i feel alone.

kadiri. and needy na kung needy but i miss having someone check on me if they know i'm alone. 'yung mga tipong magtetext ng random shit to keep me company or something, or ask what's up. because that's usually my mother's job and she's not here.

kadiri. and needy na kung needy but i miss the time when we used to talk a lot. kahit na veiled attempts to connect over stupid and pointless acads-related texts. or how you'd send me 20+ quotes in one go and wait for me to comment on each one, or some of them at least. may iba din naman akong namimiss, i think, pero wala akong karapatan kasi wala naman (he's taken great pains to let me know that it's always been pathetically one-sided, that i'm delusional, and yuck would i please get over him) and he likes boys. assuming naman na meron tayo but whatever. at least you're supposed to like girls (sana lang 'di ba?). there's nothing stopping you from liking me other than me. and my lack of exercise. or cheekbones. whatever. maybe that's the reason why it still hurts.

groooooosss. ano ba. i am effectively talking to myself but still.

+++++

ganda ng grey's. love it. umiyak na naman ako (batac-moment) pero ang intense talaga.

hmmm.

meanings we see are meanings we make.

i miss you in a way that makes my food taste different, in a way that makes the jokes seem not so funny somehow. i miss you in a way that chairs and benches suddenly become animated and value-laden. i miss you in a way that makes me look twice at every car the same model as yours that passes by, in a way that makes me think of you and me when i'm supposed to be listening to a very important lecture.

it's funny that i miss you when there isn't a whole lot to miss, really, if you think about it.

we certainly did not become an "us" in the traditional sense. post-modern-ly, maybe, but it still begs the question about context and interpretation and all that shit. we've never gone out on a date, never been alone together except on some lunches and car rides and typing sessions. which is hardly anything, but is somehow everything, right now.

there's a lot i shouldn't like about you, so i really don't know why this is so hard.

i could tell myself it's because i'm in like with the idea of you, with the idea of someone completely new meeting the old me, and accepting me just the same. but then again that could just be me telling myself that.

maybe the reason why i'm hooked is the way you look at me. yeah, that must be it. it's the way you look at me, like how you think of me as yours, in your mind, and how could swallow me whole, alive. when you look at me, you make me feel, and it's been so long since i've had that.

love is something else altogether, but of what use is it to me when it's beyond my reach, inappropriate, hurtful, and taxing?

i don't love you. at least not yet. maybe when the smoke clears and the tears dry we can make a go at this, but for now, i'll make nothing into something and wish you were waiting like me too.

 well, well, well. what do we have here?

 hahahaha. damn, he's cute. DAVID RADFORD!!! <3

 too bad he got voted out. haaay. he should go and make a flick or tv show or something. haaaay. *dreamy*

the only cute guys left are ace and will. but ace looks gay. waaah.

+++++

i'm missing the rushed food trip with alvin and richard. waaaah. masarap ang libre ;)

anyhow, i'm busy preparing for my report on ebola. damn cool. :D i really want to be a virologist now. sheeet.

i wanna tennis/badminton so bad. let's take advantage of the carless oval while we have it. parking's a bitch, and i can't leave the house at 6:45 for a 7am class anymore, but the roominess has to be good for something :)

+++++

i'm officially whacked and confused. goddamnit.

 bakit ganitoooooo?!

hay nako. para na naman akong weathered rock particles transported by agents and deposited when carrying capacity of these agents decrease (in short, i feel like a sediment brought alone, moving aimlessly).

 waaahh. what is wrong with me? what is wrong with you? and while i'm at it, what's wrong with the world?!

+++++

tryouts tomorrow. putcha

no to stress.

yeah, right. :|

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD. i <3 you, even though it doesn't seem like it. come to think of it, i got the whole inadequate-when-it-comes-to-emotional-expression thing, but i'd like to think we're both doing pretty well with trying to change that, not only in the relationship wer have but also the ones we have with others.

ugh, mushy.

+++++

the song for my 100% perfect boy who's somewhere out there...beneath the pale moonlight, hahaha

EVER THE SAME
we were drawn from the weeds
we were brave like soldiers
falling down under the pale moonlight
you were holding to me
like a someone broken
and i couldn't tell you
but i'm telling you now

just let me hold you while you're falling apart
just let me hold you so we both fall down

fall on me
tell me everything you want me to be
forever with you forever in me
ever the same

we would stand in the wind
we were free like water
flowing down under the warmth of the sun
now it's cold and we're scared
and we've both been shaken
look at us...
man, this doesn't need to be the end

just let me hold you while you're falling apart
just let me hold you so we both fall down

fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
forever with you, forever in me
ever the same
call on me, i'll be there for you
and you'll be there for me
forever it's you, forever in me
ever the same

you may need me there
to carry all your weight
but you're no burden I assure
you tide me over with a warmth i'll not forget
but I can only give you love

ugh. "everything" by lifehouse used to be the if-someone-dedicates/sings-this-song-for-me-i'm-gonna-say-yes song, but that whole scenario came and went and it's just not going to happen (wink, wink). this could very well replace it. =D

+++++

i'm tired but i can't wait for tomorrow. i actually enjoy the classes that i have on tuesdays and fridays. that, and i'm seeing harry potter (AGAIN) tomorrow. ugh, i feel like i'm probably going to have to start reading the books. i'm eternally surrounded by potter-heads.

+++++

this is soooo cool! courtesy of celeni

        yey! cool pic =D

i realized that my schedule doesn't suck as much as i thought it did, but that doesn't mean it's great as hell. breaks are 10-11:30 every MTh and 10 onwards every TF. at least that means i'll get more sleep even though i have 7am classes everyday.

~i should have said no, someone's waiting for me~

geol was interesting. my prof was cute, and he was asking me all these questions and we were chummy like it wasn't the first day of school at all. hmmm. the downside to that is that i always have to be ready because he always calls on my to answer questions, and i also can't just be chatting away. hmmm.

PE1 is going to haunt me this sem, i can feel it. we already have a reading assignment for crying out loud. i mean, it's PE for chrissakes. OCH (sorry, i'm reading angela's ashes and "och' is all over the place. it's a very nice read btw).

~i guess this time it really is goodbye~

i made the unfortunate mistake of not bringing a car the first day of school because i didn't want to drive. i didn't go anywhere near the driver's seat during the entire sembreak and i didn't feel like starting any time soon. it rained, i got drenched. but alas, because of certain people i was saved from having to walk around, hehe.

i'm all for equality but it's not hard to forget how nice it feels when a guy goes to his car, pulls it up the curb, goes down with an umbrella and brings you to the passenger door, opens it for you and brings you to whereever you need to be. and it didn't happen just once! glad to know chivalry isn't dead. i think i'd go crazy if that happened to me every single time, but experiencing that on some ocassion is nice.

~love, those who have faith in you sometimes go astray~

thanks to sir and neeks for thursday night. and to jonats for being such a sweetie.

hmm. friday was uneventful as hell. i don't want to have to park my car in the AS parking lot, walk to PHAN and walk to CAL and walk back to the car. and i'm just being whiny as hell.

then i had another YM conversation:

me: i find it weird that most people don't think much of that period before you enter a relationship. i mean, it's actually very exciting

ehem!: yeah, with all the unresolved sexual tension?

me: yeah. exactly.

so, i thought to myself, "why not have a mini x-files marathon? behold the poster children for UST?"

and so i did. to the non-x-files fan who are bored enough that they are actually reading this, mulder (god. david duchovny as mulder is just the hottest guy on the planet. geez. GEEZ.) is this brilliant psychologist with a lot of angst because of the disappearance of his sister. he gets partnered with scully (who i thought was really pretty and smart and charming and just amazing and i wanted to be like her when i was in 7th grade), a scientist (forensic pathologist). yeehaw.

anyway, here were some episodes i watched:

1) the rain king

it's about this town where one guy seems to have the ability to summon rain. of course scully argues it's just a matter of physical variables coming together, but mulder thinks it's like a case of SAD (seasonal affective disorder?) in reverse. the only reason the guy could summon rain and charge people for it was because of the weather man, holman. he's the one whose feelings affect the weather. he's been secretly in love with this girl, shiela. shiela was engaged to the alleged weather guy, darren. he got into an accident because there was a strong hailstorm the night he left shiela to be with another girl. and while mulder's attempting to talk him into telling shiela what he she really means to him, holman actually nudges mulder into a similar direction with scully. although of course, they're stubborn as usual and only get around to FINALLY sleeping with each other the next season.

well, as with any x-files ep, you can take this literally: another quirky story. but it can also say something about perception and the way we generally view things. and love of course. gah.

2) tithonus 

argh. this one's about death. alfred's this guy who was supposed to die during that time when america had the great flu epidemic, but because of some chain of events death passed him over and he's been waiting for that opportunity to die. scully investigates without mulder (she teamed up with ritter), but mulder would always call her and bug her and help her out (shit, that's sweet). anyway, she gets shot, and alfred takes her place. so there's this question of whether or not scully is immortal too, or if, as mulder said, "death only comes to us once we seek its opposite". nyahaha.

3) monday

this one's about a day just repeating itself 'cause something didn't go right. and it doesn't hurt that it has mulder with only his pajama bottoms on. yeah. (i realized something. he doesn't have flat abs. the sides of his abs are nice, but he has this bulge. hmm. he's hot nonetheless.) they end up talking about how some freudians consider the deja-vu phenomenon as repressed memories coming to the fore, or a subconscious desire to set some thing right. then of course, scully says some shit about neurochemistry and how it's probably just a glitch in our though processes. mulder says freewillgoverns our choices which in turn govern our lives; scully says it's our character that determines our life. but aren't our life experiences responsible in some way in shaping our characters? hmmm. "but if we could rewind things and do things differently, who's to say the day wouldn't end the way it did?"

or something like that.

4) arcadia

the ep's about a planned community in california that had a number of homeowners disappear (well, an unusually high number of 3. hmmm.) mulder and scully go undercover a couple. that in itself is reason to watch the ep. they were just adorable. anyway, they have these excessively constricting rules enforced by the homeowners assoc. pres. gene gogolak. he owns this importing business and he travels to nepal and tibet frequently. apparently, on any one of his trips he picked up this ability to conjure a tulpa, a tibetan thoughtform that could follow orders. kind of like a primitive robot. hmmm. but his powers were limited, so he could only conjure it and basically "program" it (to enforce the rules. kill those who didn't follow it), but he couldn't control it after that. at the end of the episode, the tulpa kills gene gogolak, killing itself too in the process.

again, this episode could be taken literally: in tibetan folklore, tulpas really exist. another x-files episode. but you can look at it another way: it could be very well be talking about society, how there's a premium on having everyone fit in. those who deviate from the norm are discriminated against, are presumed to be committing "social suicide" and are soon considered "non-existent". and how at the end of the day, the processes by whick society tries to enforce rules so as to make people fit in actually defeat their very purpose and end up "killing" it.

hmmm. interesting the things you think of when you're so sick.

+++++

dreading friday. ugh. i don't want to, but i feel like i have to. i just hope it ends then. well, maybe not end, but go back to normal. but that would just be the same thing. arrrggghhh.

+++++

i want to watch the exorcism of emily rose. i want to get freaked out. but damn, i don't want to have to drive home alone after seeing that.

well, there will always be things that my blockmates and i wouldn't really agree on. but i got to say that hanging out with these people is still soooo much fun everytime.

bazaar/food sale :D

+++++

i was planning to do a couple of things today that i ended up not doing. bummer. and i really wanted to have dinner out tonight. although jonats might think it's sad, i actually like having some alone time. people-watching can be very interesting. i always wonder about the lives that other people lead. i always wonder, just how many different lives do people live? that, and it's fascinating how people walk differently, or peruse things differently, or what-not. but of course i don't always go on these solo trips because something embarassing always happens, hehe.

+++++

i'm still tired and woozy and another hell week (the mother of all hell weeks, actually) is coming right at me. arrrrgggghhh. today is my rest-day-do-all-the-useless-and-pointless-things-you-want day. then tomorrow, i wade into the shit.

+++++

i just wish you'd give me a reason, something. even self-imposed stupidity has its limits.