I was picturing myself going home, smiling sheepishly but again thinking of an excuse as why I went home at 8.

I planned to go home earlier than my usual dates so that I wouldn't be too hot in the eyes of my folks.

I also planned that today would be a little extra special...

Planning is a vital part of me.

however, things just don't always work out as you want it to be.

Especially if you have people who you thought are your friends but merely just wants you to succumb with them in their despair.

I planned things to be right on time...

I told just 2 people and reminded them constantly about this.

Yet, there are people who just can't be trusted i guess...

You trust them to take care of your deepest secrets and they go and tell it saying that it's just a small deal to them...

Am i even that small of a deal to be taken forgranted that way...

Does what I feel have no importance to you anymore?

Do you not care of my reputation even just a little bit?

Is what you feel the only thing that is relevant here???

Akala ko ba ako ang selfish kasi ako ang nag-iisip ng kame, kame? pero what about us??!??!

Yung part lang kasi ng "kame, kame"  at "ako, ako" ang nakikita mo eh...

Hindi mo nakikita yung "tayo". Kaya puro na lang ikaw. Hindi mo na naisip na meron din akong nararamadan sa kabila ng lahat

Today was supposed to be memorable... I planned to engrave this day with bliss. Just happiness and sweetness.

But certainly not that emotion of hatred and yet it's the only thing I want to write right now....

I am so dissapointed in you...

This was the operative procedure for me today...

so what is it?

basically  you could call a chalazion a hardened stye..

and what is a stye? a stye is an inflammation in your eyelid probaby caused by a blockage in your pores..

causes: dirt, sebum, blockage or even frequent sleeplessness or staying up late

as for the cause of staying up late, it's actually because frequent "staying up late" could lower your immune system, cause you to be slghtly immunocomprimised and eventually when little infections such as these happen, chances of fighting the infection lowers and when it comes to worst it ,like mine, it won't erupt,.. it subsided but it formed slowly and swelled again when I had to stay up late again.

So, It's completely a hassle.

not being able to apply make up due to the fear of further blocking it,  enduring the occasional pain,the induced astigmatism and not to mention insulting remarks and questions from your collegue, which is the wost.

it's part of your emotinal and physical aspect to feel good about yourself, so I bet anyone who has the same condition, the money and the chance would have it also removed...

so i finally got the courage to have it checked up

Few months ago, before I had it checked, I also made my own researches about it.

From scientific explinations to myths.

Among the myths I've encountered was the one that said, to remove  a chalazion, you have to actually rub it with a golden ring.

I don't know what exactly that was supposed to mean , or if the gold had any mineral property to suddenly decrease the size but I did it anyway. And because it din't work, I was thinking that the gold, probably referred to "gold" it's self as a form of money. Well, it's not exactly expensive, especially for rich people, but for the likes of me and since it's not a medical emergency, It's not that cheap as well. You could say it was a cosmetic emergeny though.. hahaha, ,..for your own physical improvement.

Anyway, so as I've said, months of taking medicines like anti-infectives and pain meds did nothing. I've also waited for 2 months interval after taking those meds to wait if it erupts and still, none of that worked. I'm quite disappointed in my self not being able to prevent this cause I am a student nurse in training. But damn, with a school , schedule and a hospital like ours, you'd really rather not  bother. (geesh, shoul I explain?)

So, the day finally came, and that was this morning.

I wasn't nervous to start with. I was rather irritated. Just irritated for a number of reasons, and it really didn't matter why.

I had my best friend and my mother to accompany me, I refused their offers and decided really to take only one , since I know it's an icky thing and hospital operations take ample of time especially the billings and i didn't want to disrupt their busy schedules, but they insisted anyway and it's nice to have someone to talk to once you're there. You'll know what I mean, when you get your self there.

A long wait and unresponsive OR nurses gets one anxious. Not to mention, I'm ashamed at how slow the procedures of billing and transaction is at our hospital. tsk. hasty. but nevertheless, i had to wait.

Finally, the doctor arrived and I wanted to get it over with. I was imagining the pain last night and a few months ago, but nothing prepared me for the pain that I was about to go through that time.

"the doctors"

...the opthamologist, the resident doctor, the assistant doctor, the circualating nurse and the student nurse

The student nurse was very helpful and useful in many ways. She provided many helps and assistance all through out the procedure. I wonder if she was making a surgcase. Well, she was very good, indeed. :D

The circualting nurse was all that minor cases needed except ofcourse for the opthamologist himself. she was...hmm good enough, fast, long haired, and..,in blue. hehe no comment for the circualting nurse It's hard to be on job when the doctors tease you for no reason, and I guess she survived that, but a little faster perhaps? But it's nice being served by your nurses once in a while especially when you met them in wards as your heads when your still a student.

The doctor....doctors..whaat?? I thought this was a minor case?? why 3 doctors all of a sudden??? the 1st was the optha himself, the 2nd was a resident, but did he really needed 'em? I'm sure he can do it himself. But the 3rd? what was he for? The entertainment and preparation of micropore tape I guess.. hehe .. He was very handsome though. hahahaha :D I guess women are not the only one who has an entourage. male doctors have themselves.  :D

"The procedure..."

I lay on the OR table with a spotlight similar to the ones you see in police interrogations. The gown they gave me was very useful. very useful... as to why blood was on my arm...

The  resident doctor had to prep my eyes with alcohol. I had to shut my eyes closer and tighter just as not to get the alcohol in my eyes. I failed, cause it ran down my mouth and I tasted it. I wonder how he'd feel If I gave him a facewash and a mouthwash made of alcohol, instead of it's usual contents.. hmmm..wouldn't that be nice doctor?

(don't get me wrong, I have no hard feelings for him. It's just tell me what you're putting and that it's gonna sting, if it's gonna sting!  we usually use betadine for prep so I didn't think they'd use alcohol this time.)

the lights directly hitting my eyes were getting me sleepy, I had difficulty looking up when the doctor told me so. The dropped anesthesia did nothing, I just teared it away and that painful moment came...

"the anesthesia"

Horror. Horror.

excruciationg pain.

Horror.

I had to hold my breath to bear it. i can't exactly describe it. The needle penetrating your skin was nothing, but the content pushing your upper eyelids and the mass was so excruciating. 12/10 pain scale.

Luckily, the pain was immedaitely gone after he stopped instilling the anesthesia.

But I guess, the cut was more tolerable than the anesthesia it's self. Should have jsut cut myself.

It was a simple elective minor procedure done withing 20 or 15 minutes.

After the simple cut, the cheesy, white substance oozed, Yes oozed. I can imagine how happy the surgeon was scraping the lids of my eyes. It was fascination for them. an obsession, to scrape oozing substance. Why? well because it's just fun and exciting. I would love to see it myself as well. hehe..

they plazed the gauze..

I was bandaged on my Left eye after the procedure...

"done. patient survived." phew!

a number or meds: an anti-infective, pain med, and an opthalmic solution.

"the billings"

doctors have it easy. the professional fee was all they needed and their done. But the hospital billing was too much.

not the amount though, the processing is what I meant.

go down here, wrong spelling there, questions here and there.. haay...as if im not used to seeing it.

but I'm done. Not quite a bad experience. just quite... But it certainely took my time.

I just got my eye patch removed an hour ago, and there's still quite a lump left. I'm quite worried If he announces on monday that I have to undergo it again.. I hope it subsides eventaully.

So now, my eyes look quite normal again. I hope. quite painful, but tolerable. And me? .. Just hoping.. :D

The problems in a country promoting freedom of religion is that if a country would adhere to its' means, the country would as well be divided by different religons and it's beliefs since allowing "freedom of religion" would also mean encouraging diverse beliefs from each religous conviction. Further more, freedom of religioncould as well give rise to discrimination in such a way that  thoughts about "which religion is superior" could possibly arise. Thus, promotion of religion could make a disarray in the country's unity.

         Browsing again someone else's profile, Tsk..this has been such a bad habit of mine. Instead of studying, it's what I've been doing. Someone should really remind me to stop turning my pc on. Oh well, I don't know what exactly I had in my mind when I took a view at his profile. I know I'm completely over him. That's for sure. But I just wanted to see a message from him, or an update perhaps. It's been 4 1/2 years since I fell for that person, and I've decided to shun those feeling 2 years ago. The reason? Well, because it was hopeless, we both were amateurs at displaying our feelings, and I thought or it might really have been a one way relationship, an unrequited love in short. But I'm not sure. I've never gone as far as asking someone what he exactly feels for me. I'm such a coward I know, but that's me okay. So, again, I browsed his profile. Pictures are nothing, I am completely immune to the feeling. Then I read his profile, then his testimonials and bingo, I was finally to get a clear glimpse of a relationship that started almost 2 years ago, It was beautiful, she described how much she love that guy and said how much she was lucky for having him, describing how they started, when and what it is now. I could definitely say somewhere in her post that I could exactly relate to her. I don't know how but for some reason, when I used to love him, I had the exact same reasons. I was sure I was happy since he was exceptionally remarkable. His personality was something I couldn't understand at first, he was shallow and was a simpleton at heart and mind but It was what I marveled about him. Along reading her post, in the part where she retold how their relationship started, I realized that I couldn't help but think that he might have really tried to pursue me, but I was just such an idiot not to understand him. I didn't even realized that the actions he had done could have meant something like love. I didn't get it. Though that entire (almost 3years time), I've been trying hard to figure out his feelings for me and I guess he was trying there too..I had so many that I treasured for him, and now I couldn't. I'm such an idiot yeah right. But I'm really happy for them. She's the one that made him happy,the one thing I couldn't and I'm happy he is now. It's a thing of the past, it's quite nostalgic, and now, it's all a memory but she reminded me of how I loved you, one of the nicest feeling I had 4 years ago, a feeling I'd regret but I would never try to forget.

really?

hmmm...

I could hardly believe it myself..

recalling to what I was and how I was the previous year.

I couldn't fathom i made it here...

Life is so harsh that it leads one to sin and never go back

yet for some, we are also lucky to rise from the mesh of our sins...

I'm happy not living the exciting life I used to live..

all the excitment made me mad and for a while

 I swear I did loose myself in that spin...

I've learned that this is life...

whatever you choose it to be,

it's completely yours..

the power to mold it, lies in your own hands..

the clay might not have been good

or low quality for instance,

the heat may not be enough

but it all lies in the bearing..

on how much, how long you hold on to it..

molding it, having hope..that though resources are scarce..

it's bound to be something great...

my life? I don't say It's extravagant, marvelous nor do i know it's bound to live such..

but I have hope..that it's life, I know would be worth living.

..hindi dahil sa wala akong pera..

hindi rin sirgo dahil wala mga magulang ko dito?

pero anu nga kaya talaga ang dahilan??

minsan..parang lahat kasi ng bagay me dahilan ako..

excuses..ani nga..

"indenial" marahil ako..pero bakit??

 ang hirap aminin na kahit hindi ako pala ngiti at hindi mahilig makihalubilo sa mga tao eh, nalulungkot din pla ako sa pag-iisa..

minsan, sigro dahil eto na lng pakiramdan na toh.. "pag-iisa" ang palagi kong kasama..eh,,hinahanap hanap ko na siya.parang parte na siya ng buhay ko..na kapag hindi ko naramdaman eh, nakakawala na siya sa sarili..

kalungkutan..

anu nga ba ang dahilan..

unit-unti kong hinahanap at nakikita ko ang kakulangan sa buhay ko..

kulang ng  dahilan para mabuhay,.

hindi masarap mabuhay ng ganito..

pakiramdam ko tumatanda lang ako..pero hindi ako nagbabago..

ganun pa din ako sa bata na ako dati..

takot sa pagbabag o..takot masaktan..kaya ano ako ngayon..??

isang taong walang patutunguhan..

walang natutuhan..

average..

walang silbi..at

mamatay ako na ganun..

nakakalungkot...

what I thought of myself was all an illusion..

a dream of who i wanted to be..

so sad..

people come and go..

they learn from their mistakes..and here I am..daring not to make one move..but what am I because of this..I'm a total failure..

anu ba ang purpose ng buhay ko??

sabi nila kulang daw ang tao sa pananalig kapag nagkakaganito..

pero, hindi ko mahanap ang dahilan..hindi ko mahanap ang

 paraan..

may saysay nga ba ang pananalig??

ang sama ko para magtanung ng ganito..

a sin it is.. cause I had doubt..

at sana mapatawad Niya ako..

 pero sana..

sana..

kahit minsan...maging masaya ako dahil sa makabuluhang buhay ..sa isang bukas kung saan.. me magagawa naman ako.. kasi walang saysay.. itong kalungkutan na to..itong mga luha na naiiyak ko..

ngayong wala naman dapat iyakan.,wala naman ata akong pag-ibig na dinaanan..di tulad ng iba na hinanakit ng puso ang dinadaing..

naniniwala akong hindi iyon ang dahilan...

hindi ako malungkot dahil sa kakulangan sa pag-ibig,

hindi pa ako nakapagmamahal ng lubusan  para maging ganoon.

pero pakiramdam ko hindi na kaya tumibok ng puso ko para sa isang araw pa...

:')

pero hindi dapat diba?

iniisip ko na tama ka..maling mali..

pinipigilan ko nga..

na mag -isip ng ganito..

sa ngayon ,,masaya na lang ako na maramdaman ang kalungkutan na to

...kaya salamat sa pakiramdam.