for the past weeks, i've been listening to old songs (that seems new for me) from rock bands like hawthorne heights, taking back sunday, lost prophets, and hinder cause there aren't new rock songs out on the radio now. well, except for david cook. =] i'm still downloading saosin, and augustana. i'm also planning to listen and memorize the songs of flyleaf and paramore, which i downloaded a long time ago. =]

anyways, hawthorne heights is fcking awesome!

their songs are so fuckin cool! as in! their songs are my type: emo-rock. they even growl on some parts. but don't worry, they're not like super metal cause otherwise i won't listen to them. the lyrics of every song are so cool. i downloaded their two albums: If Only You Are Lonely and Silence in Black and White. try listening to them at imeem or jango. =]

i know it seems like we're never coming back
i know it feels like we're never coming back
you tried your best and you knew it wouldn't last.
-this is who are

i just wanted you to know, i think about you every night.
when i fall asleep, you are in my dreams
-we are so last year

and all I had was the memory of what was
so lets pretend it never mattered to us
i hope this message finds you well
i never thought I'd live to tell
what's a dream and what is real, the way I really feel
-pens and needles

saying goodbye's the hardest part. wish we knew this from the start
-saying sorry

close the door, lock it tight
then I'll know you're safe tonight
turn on a song that means the most
believe I'm there and hold me close
-dead in the waters

end this now, we've gone too far
let's take back words that turned to scars
if i could find a way to turn back time
i had to let you know i'm on your side
-i am on your side

this could be the plans for revenge
but these words lead to dead ends
-breathing in sequence

these are just few of the songs of hawthorne. i can go on and on but you guys might be bored. just listen to them, alright? =]

it's just tragic how their guitarist died last December. he died suddenly in their tour bus (i think it was in their tour bus). maybe that's the reason they don't have a new album...

i need you now more like yesterday; the last day i could see you smile.

so something happened last night... about me and a guy. i'll share something about the guy...

we're friends. we've been texting for quite a long time. i have this idea that he likes me from my friend who is his "ex"-friend. he was about to ask me to their senior prom last february. why didn't that happen? well, someone asked me one day ahead of him (the one who asked me first was his classmate, who is my ex). i find myself really lucky that my ex was the first one to ask me to prom cause i don't know what to do if the other guy would ask me first! i'm not saying that he's totally not good looking. he's just not my type.

over this summer, we saw each other at Glorietta. it's not planned or anything. not like a date. eeewww! it just happened that i'm in Glo and he was there too. the longest time we've been together at Glo was like only 30 mins.

when he knew that i broke up with my ex, he's been asking me to hang out with him at Glo. as in only the two of us. like, no fcking way. i keep bailing out on him, saying many excuses.

okay, so last night...

he asked me if the one i put in my GMs was true (there's this INAFL at the end of my GMs which means, i need a fckin lover). and i told him that it depends with the guy, cause i should like that guy. and wow, he asked me what if the guy was him!! oh my gosh, he has some sure guts in him! i didn't want to hurt his feelings, but i don't want to lie too and maybe give out a wrong meaning. so i told him that i only see him as a friend. you know, a cool person to hang out with but not as a boyfriend.

i think he was hurt and disappointed. but even before, i was sure hell not giving him any signs that i like him! maybe he was thinking that i'm just waiting for him to speak up. like hello! grrr..

i shouldn't feel guilty right? cause i said the truth. he'll get over it. i'm not pretty enough for him not to get over with.

let's take back words that turned to scars.

listen to their songs. it's good. the lyrics of some are weird and senseless but their are others where the meaning is really, really good.

i just watched an episode of MTV's Sweet 16. and like OMFG, i so envy the girl. she won as MTV's Sweet 16er. she had my chemical romance in her birthday party! like MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! they sang in her party! she had pictures with them. plus, the free gifts from MTV were awesome: a ten thousand dollar donation, in her name, to Make A Wish foundation(i think), an iPhone, and a Canon Professional Camera! i want the iPhone and the camera! and i want MCR to be in my birthday! hahaha. my sweet 16 is still a few months away so you guys can prepare! hahaha. =]]

i want to be back to the street where we bagan feeling as good as lovers can.

there was an orientation and psych test last tuesday. gahd. the orientation took so long. haha. almost all the speakers addressed us as bagong skolar ng bayan.

after the psych test, we had a block lunch. it was fun. i got to meet my blockmates and talk to them. may friends na ako. haha. after the lunch, we had a little campus tour. UP Manila's campus is not that big but it's ok. paikot ikot parin kami to go to our different classrooms.

i have my sched for the first sem. ang aga ng classes ko. huhu. i have a class that starts at 7am. i also have long breaks between some subjects. yey! i'm so excited. =] kitakits na lng sa mga nag-aaral sa UP Manila. haha

we just feel more alone. yeah.

ALWAYS BE MY BABY
We were as one, babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free, yeah
So I'm letting you fly
'cause I know in my heart, babe
Our love will never die, no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way, you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry, no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave, girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably,
You'll be back again
'Cause you know in your heart, babe
Our love will never end, no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way, you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back, girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder, oh, oh
I know that you'll be right back, baby
Oh baby, believe me, it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way, you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my, my baby

you'll always be my baby. damn.

i did something really, really stupid. i missed one test cause i misread the fckin schedule. sooooo stupid right? i worked my ass of pa to study and to commute on the last day to know na i don't have a test pala. so Jill took her test while i waited for her to finish. i went to Robinsons alone. i realized that it's fun to go to malls on your own =] nakapagshopping tuloy ako! haha.

after Jill's test, we went to MOA to meet up with Mariel and Kath. saya! playing ps2 and wii was so so so fun!! super fun ng tennis sa wii!

since i realized that going to mall by yourself is fun, i did it again! haha. i went to sm yesterday on my own. i had my facial and i bought some groceries: tortillos, skittles, head and shoulders, and fox. haha.

i left the mall at around 6pm. i even took the wrong jeep. but it was ok cause i did that before. i rode another jeep and then another one. i decided to walk the short distance between the jeep's last stop and our house. while walking home, i wore the hood of my jacket. emo noh? haha. i was listening to urbandub pa. i walked pass this group of people tapos one of them sang, it was like screaming, the chorus of will you ever learn by typecast. in my head, i wanted to shout at him and tell him that i don't listen much to typecast. haha. pakialam ba nila kung gusto ko maglakad na may hood sa ulo diba? kanya-kanyang trip man! sila nga nakatambay lang eh. haha

in my heart you'll stay permanent. fuck.

here are the reasons why i'm excited:
1. because i'll be studying at UP Manila baby! BS Occupational Therapy. Student num. 2008 - 10999.
2. new experience. i'm finally leaving my previous school which i was studying for 11 years.
3. BOYS. duuuuh! after a heart breaks, it needs to mend with the help of a new love. the only remedy for love is to love more right?
4. because robinson's ermita is right in front of UP.
5. new friends.
6. commute everyday.
7. to get my mind away from him.
8. to be busy.

but classes will start on the 10th of June. there are still more requirements to pass: dental and physical exams, and enrollment crap. i have one big problem: i need something from our school's registrar for the enrollment in UP on May 8, but i can't get it because the school is closed and it will open on May 15. i hope i can get it through my aunt.

i miss you with every beat of my heart. fuck.

it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. right?

it just sucks cause i really believed everything he said. like FOREVER, that he'll do everything for me, he'll sin for me. he even said that summer sucks without me. that all he wanted to do this summer was to be with me, to spend each day with me. CRAP.

i thought he'll be man enough to do what he wants, to follow his heart not his mom. i just feel really, really bad cause i thought we can make it. i'm up for a relationship that's a secret, but he's not. that's how much he loves his mom.

but where there is love, the impossible can be attained. that's what they say. but maybe not for us. blood is thicker than water.

but he should follow his heart. not what's right! cause there is nothing right or wrong in love. he should be a thrill seeker. he should sometime break the rules. he's not a kid anymore, he has a mind to think and do what he wants.

summer's filled with breaking the rules and standing apart, ignoring your head and following your heart.

but i came to realize that maybe this is what he wants. i just need to accept it and move on. but there's a part of me that doesn't want to move on. there's a part of me that wants to stay. there's a part of me that's full of blissful hope. why does this have to be so hard?! i'll wait even longer. i know it's painful but something inside of me is saying that he'll come back. that he'll miss me and we'll be in touch again. argh. come what fuckin may.

what happened to forever? what happened to the things we said? what happened to your promise? what happened to us?

akala ko you'll do anything for me, you'll do anything i told you too.

damn. i thought we can work things out. fuck the stupid things that happened two weeks ago. his mom told us to break up but kelangan bng sundin un?? i know it's bad pero sayang eh.. our parents approved on us eh. because of that one night na ginabi siya sa bahay, that's the end na pala. we didn't do anything wrong naman eh.. hayyy. it's so labo! last week he said we were ok and we were still on after three days he will take it back and say na we should be friends na lng. fuck. friends that are not talking. i can feel na he doesn't want to talk to me. he doesn't text me cause it's weird daw kasi naging kami. like i can deal with that. i should wait daw after college cause babalikan nya ako. like ang tagal tagal non. we're not keeping in touch na nga eh pno pa after four years!! argh. i feel that there's no hope na. pero i don't want to let go just that easily eh.. hayy. what should i do?????? this is so hard.

i'd do anything just to hold you in my arms. to try to make you laugh. somehow i can't put you in the past.

feeling ko ako lang ung nasasaktan. iyak na lng kasi ako ng iyak. feeling ko ako lang ung nahihirapan. feeling ko ako lang ung naaapektuhan. bat gnon?

lagi kitang naaalala. i can't seem to forget you. to forget the things you do. to forget the way you look, the way you smile, the way you laugh. i can't forget the things you said, the laughter we shared. i can't forget the smell of your perfume. i can't forget the things we do. but i don't want to forget them. kahit masakit. cause you've became a part of me. a part of my day. a part of my life.

moa trips with my cousin. thank God for a cousin who can drive and has a car! haha. she can drive you anywhere anytime! haha. we played tekken 6. nakakaadik.

fitness first. i was a guest on my cousin's account. the facilities on fitness first was great. i love the locker rooms and the showers! haha

i graduated. yey! college na! =] i only had three awards: loyalty award, conduct award, and the 5th honor. grad dinner was a blast... being with my family and with him.

gala galore. masarap araw araw na wala sa bahay! hahaha

^{you know you love me._pat}