Mysterious... oftentimes, a loner. You know your true friends and only them are allowed to understand the real you.

You hide your emotions... Sometimes pretending to be always happy. Sometimes, not giving even a hint of what you really feel.

You search for love... you’re a hopeless romantic and every time you enter a relationship, you give your all and believe “this is the One.”

You appreciate simple things in life... You hate complicating things that’s why you’re typically up-front in any aspect.

You’re an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend... You don’t care if your partner doesn’t really love you as long as you love him/her. You give your all...

You’re undoubtedly good-natured! Most of the time, people are confident to approach you because they know you will consider them.

You’re independent! You’re also risky just like the bajaken who sail in the vast and dangerous ocean to look for treasures!

Lately, I don’t know why but I have been eagerly listening to sappy sad love songs. I’m not bitter or whatever.. I just appreciate how the message of the songs flows through my cold veins as it pumps blood into my numb heart.

For now, I can attest to the saying that who can say why your heart cries, when your love lies.. only time.

Unconsciously, I can sleep well as I hit the sack after my shift. I love seeing the sunshine as it peeks through the window of my bedroom. I enjoy taking a nice looooonnng (take note: LONG ) shower and play with my dresses in my closet.

The pain that I have been hiding from the whole world to see is long gone. I didn’t know when but it’s gone.

Whenever I try to remember the events that shattered my life, I just laugh at myself for I never realized that I was too blinded by my emotions. One thing I can say without any hesitations is I do not have any REGRETS with what I had done in the past.

When we’re in-love, we do things way beyond what we normally do. We act as if there’s no tomorrow.. in short, insanity.

It’s really ironic but that is the bittersweet truth. The pain may take forever to descend in my heart but only time will tell when will it end… and it did!

If only the world knew what I had experienced, they will understand why I decided to leave it and be on my own. Honestly? It’s shocking and very traumatic for me. I learned a lot from all those things that happened to me.

For now, I’m thankful that I managed to survive another adversity that once colored my life hue.

November 11, 2009

I woke up way too early yesterday. I believed I had slept around 12 MN then I got up at 3 AM. Well, I need to be at the office that early because I’ll be seeing Ram and Cyril after their respective shifts. I was at the office around 5:30 AM then Ram and I headed to SM Mall of Asia to fetch Cyril. Around 6 AM, we were there at the mall to meet Cyril.

However, Cyril had a call and he came out around 7:30 AM. Long call, huh?

First stop. We decided to grab a coffee at Starbucks while waiting for Rose and Ella. It’s funny because while the Barista was trying to build a rapport as we took our order, he just asked out of curiosity and this line was the one I will never forget:

“So, you’re a balikbayan right?!”

We laughed out loud and I answered back, “Hindi ah, taga Imus lang ako. We’re currently working at Makati“.

Let these pictures do the talking. *winks!

Here I am, listening to the music that I had uploaded in my playlist. Thanks to Don Domeng for the mp3’s available in our servers and I’m currently enjoying the avail time on my shift. It’s already in the middle of my shift and we were able to harvest all the admin works at the office. *chuckles* Joke!

Kidding aside..

As I silently looked past the bay on my way home, I somehow tried to remember some of the memories that I already burned away in my mind. I miss my childhood life, college friends, being a student (just trying to pass all the curriculum), being active in church and of course, the persons who had once touched my life.

I somehow pitied the person who asked me that pop question just recently. No, actually I pitied myself. Why? I know to the fact that I cannot afford to give love as much as I can like before.

Some were trying to induce me to love them as if I was never hurt. I admire those people who can truly love a person without using them as a rebound. Who keeps on accepting love with arms wide open.

I know to the fact that I am finally over with all the shits I had gone through recently. I’m proud to say that I was able to get him out of my system. For I do not have any urge to win him back like before . I’m no longer that pathetic who’s really crazy to a person who never saw my worth - like any ordinary girl who falls in love to any ordinary guy.

Sad to say that I used to be that stupid who got caught in her own emotions and was blinded by love.

I remember when Marcos asked me, “Bern, kailan mo ba balak lumgay na sa tahimik?”

I didn’t answer him because until now I still can’t provide any answer to myself, if I should be deciding to settle down or not.

As this line goes “There’s tons of fishes in the water, so the waters I will test“, I decided to go out and be the way how was I before. I mingle and date with other guys out there, enjoying the benefits of no strings attached rule.

I manipulate. I lie. I used lame excuses. So what?

Maybe somewhere along the way, I might meet the person who will take me away from the life I’m currently living. The one who will accept me at my worst or my best, which possesses long patience to change me and bring me home to where I belong.

I was at home when I decided to be at home and be busy in front of our desktop. The usual thing that I do is login to my yahoo messenger account and check my kitchen if my dishes are ready to server and harvest my crops from my farm. Until I heard..

*toot*

him: hi

me: hello, musta?

him: ayos lang. asan ka?

me: nasa bahay, naglalaro. sayang wala ka nung umuwi si joey.. you missed a lot of inom moments!

him: uu nga eh, tatampo xa. hindi na nga ako pinapansin.

Then we continued to have a small talk about my life and his life. It’s been four years, since we saw each other and usually, ym is our way to communicate. There were times that he’ll never reply or will say emotional things to me because of our bitter break up. Let’s call him Marcos.

Well at least, he’s now matured and ready to speak up with me and be casual.. I think. Joey once told me that till now, Marcos told her that he’s still in love with me after all these years. She had advised Marcos to ask me out and try to be with him again.

Anyways, I told Marcos that I was pretty emotional during that day. He asked me out if it is okay to roam around and have a couple of drinks or so. I can’t say yes to him because I was waiting from a reply of my Team Lead if my VL was approved or not.

Funny thing here is it took me I think 6 hours to decide and we met in our meeting place. What really caught my attention was his weight! I never imagined him seeing that way.. he gained a lot! I was like, “Hi Marcos, ang taba taba mo na! Tabaching ching ka na!!” He just looked at me and said, “Akala ko ba emo ka? Meron bang emo na naka mini skirt at naka PINK bag?!” I just answered, “Ako lang yun.”

We checked for any available place wherein we can talk and have some time together. We went to the place where we (college friends) used to hang out when we like to sing our hearts out. We even visited our school and well, they were also surprised to see us together again. Lakas nga nila mang asar, grabe!

Anyways, since there were no available place near the area, he asked me if it is okay if we head our way to Petron. The very memorable Petron, I told myself then I agreed.

We had a lot of conversation and as I looked at him, he seems really okay and happy with his girlfriend. He was funny as he tried to reverse whatever happened between us in the past. I was like, excuse me, you’re the one who had an affair with your best friend then I got even and I decided to ditch you and be with *o**t. “Isang buwan nalang, one year na sana tayo Marcos.”

He just answered, “Akala ko ba ikaw may kasalanan? Iniwan mo nga ako db kasi you decided na sumama sa Batangas saka ayaw mo ako isama.”

I answerd back, “Gagu, nakipaglandian ka kasi kay E*r* kaya pala lakas ng loob mong maki pag hiwalay sa akin nun ah!”

Marcos replied, “Hindi no, si George may kasalanan nun! Na misinterpret niya yung CD.”

then I said, “Tanga, hindi ka lang marunong magtago ng kalokohan mo. Concern nga sa akin si George nun. Buti nga sinabi niya sa akin yung nakita niya no!”

Me and Marcos five years ago @ Petron

Before he left, he kept saying that after all these years, he still can’t move on at nanghihinayang siya after what had happened to us. Marcos never failed to look at me and hold his hand over mine. As I glanced upon him, I really saw his facial expression, he mean it. I told him whatever happened between us is finally over and he needs to love his girlfriend and be loyal with her. We’re now separated and God has a reason why our story had ended up that way.

Honestly, for the month of October, I managed to meet up my ex’s and be able to close whatever happened between our relationship. I had forgiven them and I hope they’re happy with their current significant other.

I still need to accomplish one thing for me to totally get over from all the shits I had in my past. Although, I’m still deciding if I’ll do it or no. I know if I decided to do it, it will help me fully forgive and move on with my life.

I know to myself that I had moved on, I just want to say my last thoughts to him then leave.

I decided to paste the pixies that I had printed out last week in my planner. It’s my interest to take pictures then compile it or make a collage.

Besides, it is another way for me to keep the memories that my mind tends to forget by force.

I locked in my ears with Taylor Swift’s album as I look back at the events that were involved in the pictures. I wasn’t contented and I decided to look at my 2008 Planner and read through the pages.

When I hit the first page for the month of December, I was surprised that I wrote the following notes:

12/3/08 5:55 PM PS (PeopleSupport) 4th Floor

Everything falls in their right places right now. There was a lot of depression that happened this year. I had lost and found new things that really changed me right now.

I let go of ***** and then I met ******. I got a new LOB at workplace and I’ll be on training for TSS. My stats are all okay except for QA (hehe). I’m trying to love my work and get used to the stress level it gives me everyday. I love my friends’ right now coz they were there when I needed someone to comfort me.

I got my planner from Starbucks and I’m planning to get something for my mom as well.

Hoping things will be better next year.

“I wish normal people have a heart that vampires do.. Once they fall in love, they never FALL out of love.”

-Twilight

I was like, wow.. I managed to write this kind of cheesy stuff? It saddens me, yes but I guess this is how it should be. Things will never be the same as it used to be. I will go on and move forward for I had decided to erase the things that will remind me of both of them. The event that happened on October 4 really changed me.

I know that in time, both of them will regret after all what they had done to me. For now, I know they’re happy with their respective partners and I don’t care. I maybe alone for now but I’m more than happy than living a complicated life and compromising my happiness.

When I’m gone, I will never allow any means of communication. After what had happened, I can’t treat them as it was before… not even as friends.

Really annoys me? Is the fact that things doesn’t turn out way beyond that I had expected. I know I tried to meet their expectations yet.. *shrugs*

Although, I know this one is another challenge for me. Frankly speaking, I’m really pissed at the moment but for sure this one will surely pass.

I’m still weighing things at the back of my head.

We’ll see..

I'm still thinking how am I going to write down what had happened next on the aftermath.

One thing I know is that, it was my wake up call to step up. I had realized that I should end up my insanity and live my life the way it was before the changes happened.

It really saddens me but not because of love.

Paolo was right, I knew him inside and out. I had the chance to get involved not only to him but to his family as well. Even though his mom hated me at first, we got to get along as time passes by. My parents liked him too because they have trust over him that he will take care of me when we were in a relationship.

Even though we used to have big fights, I still keep the good memories I had with him.

However, on October 4, 2009..

When I decided to have a conversation with him around 2 AM, he changed a lot. BIG time! He's not the one that I used to love who knows my worth.

Since then, I decided to let go both of them.

I don't want to involve myself again in a complicated relationship. I will not compromise my happiness and wait in vain anymore.

One of these days, I will be gone and there will be no means of communication to both of them. They had decided to let me go... and so be it.

“10 minutes nalang Pao, birthday mo na!”

He looked at me (that odd look) and said, “yah, matanda na ulit ako“. Almost everybody left the place since they have shift for tomorrow. I think five of us were left and we’re discussing what’s the next interinary.

I wanted to move to another bar and watch gig or dance around.. But then Michelle needs to go home and I was like, okay.. need makisama.

We didn’t go somewhere and decided to leave the place. As we walk towards our respective destination, Paolo seems to keep on bringing back the memories we used to have even though Michelle’s at his side. I just tried to be cool and chat around with his guy friends instead.

When three of us were left, I remember he said..

“Yan si Burn.. mali Nicey pala.. ayaw niya kasi tinatawag sa buo niyang name.. Minahal ko yan. Alam niya lahat lahat tungkol sa akin.”

Before I answered back..

I looked at how will his girlfriend react and I just added, “Hay naku, malalaman mo din yun Michelle later on..”

She just smiled.. (alam kong plastic na smile)

I was like the third wheel sa kanilang dalawa and sa tricycle, tabi kami while Paolo’s riding at the back. There were long silence between us. Well, I think it’s normal.. since we’re not close.

Although, I felt how she’s feeling that night. I have been there and I know how it sucks. Kaya, I didn’t bother to build a rapport while we are together.

We stopped by sa subdivision nila Pao (actually, I don’t know kung ano plans nila. basta ako sumasama lang. hehe) they talked for a while and I was left at the tricycle for I think five minutes.

All of a sudden, I remembered the same exact feeling I used to have. The feeling of jealousy and so on. I just told myself, I shouldn’t think about it since it’s already over. Even if it’s like a dejavu and this one’s for real.. It’s no use for me to reminisce or think it back again, he’s not coming back anyway. Para akong sinampal ng bonggang bongga and the transition, grabe kahapon lang yung isa ngayon siya naman.

When I was about to cry, Paolo was already seated beside me.

Oct. 3, 2009 – Saturday

“Pao, happy birthday! Babatiin na kita ngayon coz I bet buong araw ako nito tulog bukas. Hehe. Kararating ko lang from work, nag aadik! Anyways, Take Care! Nyt”

I was about to sleep when he replied after a couple of minutes, my phone beep. It was him, he had invited me to be at the bar where he held his birthday. I was skeptical for a reason I can’t understand. I was sick and tired that day and I really deserved a long sleep (which I usually do on my rest days). I declined the offer nicely and went back to get my sleep again.

I got another sms from him, he said: “Punta ka na, birthday ko naman e. I have my officemates kaya madami tayo. Pakikilala kita. Please?”

Yeah, now there’s this magic word. Besides, I was hell stress throughout the week so I guess it won’t hurt if I stop by the bar and mingle around.

When I arrived at the place, I send him an sms and I told him to pick me up.

After 5 months, we saw each other again. As I looked in his eyes, there was something he wanted me to convey but I just ignored it. I met his friends and his girlfriend. Yes, he’s currently in relationship and it’s okay. No hard feelings.

I find it really odd, I was kinda annoyed at him. I was thinking, did he intend to hurt me or his girlfriend? His friends, obviously compared me to Michelle. Seeing their glances from afar, I knew that I got most of their votes. Honestly? I find it really odd. I swear!

All throughout the night, the song of Gwen Stefani’s song is playing in my mind..

It’s hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It’s good to see you now with someone else
And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

My phone beep again. It’s from him, it said:

“Burn, ok ka lang? Akala ko hindi sasama itong gf ko. Mahal pa din kita!”

I looked at him and turned away. My heart was racing so fast..

Our eyes met and we gazed at each other for like one or two and the memories of the past came into my mind.

He send me another sms and it says, “Sorry po! Pwede ba tayong mag usap? Huwag kang mag entertain ng iba ha.”

I just looked at him again, showing off my evil grins.