no just so you all know, its my 21st this weekend. fuck i feel old. 21 is less than ten away from 30. thats depressing, on the bright side, im pretty much legal for anything anywhere now.

gonna head down to hobart for a weekend of drunken antics. gonna be good.

 if all goes well, toadie should be getting a service ths friday for being a good boy. if he continues to behave, he will get his heater/air con fixed, new tyres, and new door as time goes on. i gavehim some love last weekend (vacuum, clean, rain-x, wiper blades) and he has responded by doing front wheel burnouts all over town to impress the lady cars. tsk tsk.

in other news, fuck me tasmania is cold. the temp range for the last week has been between 0 and 13. that does not include wind.

last weekend was good. got well pissed. it was nathans going away on saturday night (joining the army!) so it was called for. fter a fucking shitload of drinks, i decided before i left that was going to spew in the middle of the dancefloor before i left. so, determined tat i was, i quickly sculled a few alcoholic beverages, and proceeded to the dancefloor. luke helped out by sneaking up and giving a few quick punches to the gut, and then i proceeded to force fingers down my throat until vomitus was emitted. to my delight, the unknowing dancefloor goers started dancing in it, before tey realised what had happened.

elise picked me up at 4am. i got in the car, and profoundly exclaimed "i swear i didnt make myself throw up on the dancefloor and people didnt dance in it". not impressed.

after getting into bed, my pillow talk was sexy as ever....

Jonno: what would you do ... if your saw a beaver just chillin, and then it did a backflip?!
Elise: .... what???
Jonno: what would you do, if you saw a beaver in a green room, and it did a back flip

(important to note, elise is tired and grumpy, and trying to go to sleep)

Elise: I would say that is Impossible!!!
Jonno: i'd be like ...wwhhhhhoooooaaa. that beaver just did a backflip.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have now seen x men 3 twice. from what i can gather..

-the cure kid is supposed to be leech (wasnt he green?) - then the kid in number 2 wit the forked tongue mut be arti
-i think the stepford cuckoos are in the background. at the school, three identical looking blonde girls are walking hand in hand. gotta be! (other two must be dead..)
-the chick who appears out of the wall (wit the black hair crew) is supposed to be psylocke
- the bone out the hand then throw it guy is marrow?
- kid omega? that guy is so fucking quill!
-stan lee is the guy hosing!
-this kitty pryde is hot
-and so is "callisto"
-id jam jean grey
-and storm
-and rogue
-why o why isnt gambit in this fucking movie. scanned high and low for french accents, glowing fingertips, red eyes, and got nothing.
-after seeing the credits list omega red the first time, and not seeing him the second time, i imdb'd him. he is the guy that gets kicked in the balls. wheres his tentacles and death spores???

well thats my bitch. its a good movie though. better be another one.

in other news, theres a tingle that spidermans suit is going to be black for spidey 3. oh lord how i fucking hope its red and blue, but hes been taken over by the venom symbiote!!!

thats me.
later fuckers

 well it would appear this baby is back up and running. coolness for me, shithouse for you. suck balls and eat ass.

it has been a while since i seen all your perdy faces last, so heres a quick update.

bleeding through have a new album out, go buy it fatties.
i now have a laptop (named larry).
i now live in devonport in tassie.
i now have a girlfriend
toadie (my car) has a battle scar
new years was fucking unbeleiveable

lets elaborate on that last one. i downed 16 jim beam long black stubbies. upon seeing i was about to pass out, and most likely die, i was fed copius amounts of speed to bring me "back up to par". this led to me bouncing all over the gold coast, drunk beyond sanity but with  500 000 volts stuck up my arse. my eyes were so dilated noonies saw them walking up the street before he noticed they were in my head (apparently the blue had gone into hiding. it went white, then pupil. sweetbags.)

i had a good night.

its charlies 21st birthday this weekend. im flying up to the coast for it friday night, then saturday night, noonies has his fist gig wih his band in brissy (govern the sky, go check them out fuckers).

its my 21st birthday in less than 3 weeks. the party is not until july, were we will be golfing, paintballing, jetskiing etc all while copiusly drunk. more details soon.

i almost wet my pants just then. excuse me for five

...

ah, better. nothing says comfort like taking a big steaming no handed piss into flooded ceramic.

i went to the Formula 1 oin melbourne with matta and min. matta was racing the v8 utes and blew welsh plugs out of two holden v8 engines. not his fault, but he was whooping serious ass-age before they cooked.

i should copyright the word ass-age. it feels good to say.

i am now in the dating game. in a two month strong relationship with a pretty little number called elise. shes 17, plays violin and still in high school.

yeh i know, shes still in high school. unfortunately for me, she doesnt have a school uniform, so ill be getting no school girl dress ups during sex. still, ill ask anyway. we met at a mates party. i was wearing my skintight red jeans and she liked. its great, shes just as horny as i am and demands sex. i like that.

it has recently come to my attention that i need to shave my balls again.

tasmania is cold. i think the max temp for our town yesterday was like 13 degrees. before you bitch about me bitching, realise i grew up on the gold coast, which has 2 seasons. 3 weeks of cold winds (winter) and the rest (summer).

 there is a movie floating about called grandmas boy. check it out if you want a good laugh. watch hostel if you want to cringe. watch waiting if you want to laugh. watch harry potter 4 if you want to perve on hermoine and remark about how hot she will be when she grows up. watch v for vendetta for comic book movie goodness.

speaking of watching stuff, i just got through trigun, 4 seasons of initial d, hellsing and have just found out theres a ghostin the machine 2. im just about anime/manga -ed out.

the following is a real quote from one of my mates.

ben hardy: if i was rich, i'd buy a whole heap of land. then i'd buy a bulldozer and dig holes everywhere.

well im spent. laugh no, fatties but i get this one for free. i have been in a blog-drought, and this was to get my form back. so lube up and spread-em for coming entries (pun intended)....

later fuckers,

poodle

if it does, ill.......

meh, most know ill go yay and then get drunk.

hahaha enjoy.

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031105

Whoa. Whoa, motherfucker. Some crazy ass shit has gone down since I last saw you guys, and when I say crazy ass shit, I really mean crazy holy shit mother fuck bitch cock balls fuck shit shit dang ass shit.

It was on the cards for a while, but it wasn’t supposed to happen until next year. Low and behold the paperwork went through faster than a good curry, so im now managing my own clinic. In Tasmania.

That’s right fuckers. Tassie. For those not in the know, hailing from outside ozland, tassie is the pissweak island thing at the bottom of Australia. And now I live there.

Truth be told, its not bad at all. Im at Devonport, which is basically at the top in the middle, on the coastline. Like byron bay but without the pot. Or the hippies. But really, those go hand in hand. Im living in a big jamsy house on the beach. Weird, considering its got three bedrooms and its only me there (this is incentive for you fuckers on the coast to get your asses down here and visit! I aint short of space here).

The food is fucking spectacular, the main road through town is 110kmh (fuck yeh), and apparently it’s the “platypus capital of the world”. Begging my pardon, but im not sure if many platypi reside in too many other places. At risk of sounding like a fag, the scenery kicks balls aswell.

Downside; every fucking one of my mates is over 1000km away. That sucks some major ass there, ladies and gentleman. Major, major ass. So I guess instead of this blog being a happy way for me to talk to myself, it will serve as a medium for reports on poodles tassie adventures. And, I thought the gold coast had no music scene. So far, tassie’s music scene consists of the hot goth/punk chick at the cd store I chatted up and some guy with an atreyu tshirt. Spectacular. And gaggers. There are seemingly no hotties down here. Mind you, I haven’t been anywhere to have a look yet, but still. Here I am ready to continue my stats, and nothing to work with. Speaking of chicks, a lot have said I have a cute ass now. This is brilliant news to me, as I have spent 20 years of my life without an ass. It was a smooth transition from my legs to back. Apparently in the last month or so, ive grown an ass, which I get girls to touch whenever im drunk now. Its no man ass though, still got some work to do. Unless I try and keep it petite. undecided.

In light of the fact the whole news to move thing came about in around a week, no real “going away party” was planned. What did happen was a collaboration of people meeting at the beergarden on Thursday night and getting real fucked up. And me getting sponsored by everyone there with “let me buy you a beer poodle!” - fuck me I was pissed. But, given it was my last chance to maintain my “fucking at least two girls a week” average, poodle pulled through. The other for the week was an ex girlfriend after I went to the presidents of the united states of america’s free gig. Quick note on that, they are a fucking cool band to see live.

Fri night consisted of my dragging my weary head up to brissy for the taste of chaos tour, got there a lil late but it still rocked the casbah. Headed to the airport in the morning, slept on both my flights and arrived in tassie Saturday arvo. Since then ive been eating at first class restaurants (my boss has been here with me, and he dines at no less) and having everything paid for. He left this morning, and ive since spent $800 dollars, but never mind. I have a rental car until I can find a little bomb to call my own, little did the car company realise how new my license was. Again, for those not in the now, all the driving ive done up until now has been illegal. Only bothered to go get my license on Thursday, effective making it less than a week old.  The Australian police force is a credit to justice…

So ive spent up until today, setting up the clinic in a ward at the local hospital during the day, and doing work with patients at night. Not much sleep at all. Thank fuck I get tomorrow off, gonna sleep like a baby.

When I get around to it, ive gotta buy a camera. Will try and post some pics up of me doing dumb shit down here as soon as possible. Given its 1am, I haven’t slept properly since Wednesday last week, and im writing this at work cause I don’t have a comp down here, take everything I say ill do and said ill do within the next two weeks, and give me an extra month to do it in. aint a lot gonna happen real fast down here.

On that note, I need more caffeine, so im gonna go have a tea break with the nurses from surgical

Later fuckers….

SMS’s of the week….

Jonno you suck!

– Farrell, short, blunt, and to the point. This girl makes me laugh at shit she says even if I shouldn’t be funny

Oi knock on my door later, I like sharing my bed with u.

- needless to say I did.

I want to make your toes curl

– needless to say she did.

Thanks for last night… and this morning!

– told you the mojo was cooking.

Hey scooterboy, are you going to taste f chaos tonite? Ill see you there… xxx

– scootergirl popping up out of nowhere

I heard you broke your bed… that’s a story for the grandkids haha

            - courtz upon hearing my bed fell apart after a girl came to stay.

Okay, I wasn’t going to include them, and I have omitted all the ones with graphic detail (might put them in when im feeling a little more stupid). But here is an insight as to why my nickname is stupid horny poodle. As you can see, its not my fault, you try and deal with it and not be horny. So one night at work I was horny as hell (in tassie) and threw some randy messages about to a few girls. Here are some replies. No names, but some of you may be able to guess who some of them are..

Iv got something good waitin 4 u wen u get back…All u r gonna b doin is watchin..

            - I need a plane ticket..

U gave it 2 me last time…

            -fucking oath I did. Muhahaha!

Yeh definitely, haha. Id like a “taste of you” though.

-         no prizes for guessing she was at the concert

is your phone capable of receiving pics? Id like to send you something!

-         why o why o why cant I fucking figure out how to make my phone receive photos?!?!?!?!

Everyone in tas should lock up their daughters!

-         hehe. They know me too well…

no fair, wish you could break down my door…

            - id do it with an ax, wearing a firemans outfit too, just to look cool.

I do have some memories id like to re live

            - ah exes.

Oh my god!

-         whoops, too naughty..

id help you if I was there…

            - so get your ass down here!

fuck this will give me some good dreams…

            - …

be naughty….grab it

-         yeh , you know I did

if your reading this and you realise some of the words are yours, prove it..

no serious, its good. hahaha. well in this last week summer has down right dropped its hot ass on the gold coast. see the gold coast only has two seasons. winter and summer.  no spring. no autumn. just hot and cold. and the last week has been fucking hot. all of a sudden the days are 2-3 hours longer, the sun is beaming, and sun burn is back on the cards. on shores have the coast in a haze at night, with salt floating about.

not that im complaining. this weather means no shirts during the day, and just from the weekend ive worked up a pathetic little tan line. and with hot nights im more inclined to stay home and knock back a few coldies instyead of hitting the town. and summer the gold coast vibe is kicking. did i mention girls in bikinis?!?! FUCK YEH

had a very big weekend just gone. went for a surf thursday arvo, and kept it generally quiet that night. the next day i went and saw minzy, hung out and went to watch the 40 year old virgin (most awkward movie ever. funny as fuck, but awkward). went and picked up ruebs after checking out snow board prices, and went for another surf. hit the town that night after watching gyroscope play at the cooly hotel. saturday involved picking paul up from southport (went home with a girl and he.... watched a movie with her....) and heading out for another surf. saturday night was hectic.

went to gilhooleys with eddie and ruebs for eddies work party. left there to hit beergarden up for a while (with jugs of vodka and something). i had already downed a six pack of jimmy so when we stood up to leave we were pretty well smashed. went back to the party, where eddie got into a fight (note - eddie will fight anyone), so we bailed and drunk more and more.

im hazy on details, but i remember kicking glass bottles onto the highway, girls giving us stuff, almost being hit by about 7 cars, a priest with a megaphone, some girl who wanted me to walk her back to her house (like 10km away - fade!). saw a couple of bands playing. and being disallowed into clubs cause we were so wrecked they thought we were gonna die on them.

so after about 2-3hours sleep sunday morning, we all - gasp - went for a surf again. now i had to work that night, and try as i might, i could not get it off. suffice to say worked licked total balls, and i slept possibly the best sleep ive ever had on monday.

somewhere in the mix i went and saw serenity with monkree. one fucked up movie. the chick is hot (in a weird kill you kinda way) and it has corny jokes. but the best bit by far, the the copious amounts of people dying cause they were just to grilled to live.

fuck yeh, my kinda movie.

later fuckers..

but heres the fucked up part - ive got my mojo back. fucked if i know how cause i probably look like one of those diseased cats hunting for rubbish in back alleys. but meh, the bizzo is gagging for it.

in other news, i washed my jeans today. i hope they dont lose their vibe. ive always stuck by oska's rules: you should never wash your jeans or hair...  alas, it was probably a good idea. some little fucker ant just bit me...

ants taste weird.

got a few big weeks coming up. matta and mins 21st. mins going to the races during the day, then going to mattas at night. gonna be fucked. apparently im in for a big night this saturday night (and ill be fighting to maintain my recent girls per week average).

and now i hear my stomach rumbling, so im off to feed my skinny white ass.

later fuckers..

Cleaning my teeth. Riding trains at night. Being on time. Girls. Girls with pretty eyes. Rainy days. Snuggling up to girls with pretty eyes on rainy days. Not tying my shoes. Chewing my nails. Big couches. Falling asleep to loud music. Jim beam long black stubbies. Singing along to songs (even though I cant sing). To pretend im mature. Having a cuppa after my vegemite toast. My dog. Dunlop volleys. Old jeans. Not wearing underwear. Wearing bonds if underwear is necessary. It when EEG setups are done in silence. Scrubs. My giant blue mug. Scratchy towels. It when girls smile. It when my mates ell me we have someone else's party to crash. watching sport. eating seedy kebabs at 3am.

I THINK

Pizza tastes better delivered. Lord Tennyson said it best. Huey should have a crystal meth  addiction. Waves are a natural interaction with the earth. Girls should think scientists are hot. Cavemen had style. Hair growing from the neck down should be illegal. High school should never end. My epitaph wont fit on my tombstone. Shannyn sossamon is one sexy mother fucker. Putting saline in the fridge before in your veins is funny. Metros are just homosexuals without dedication. Geologists are down to earth. Mortality is stupid. My 8^th grade art teacher was wrong. Gongle is a funny word. Antidisestablishmentarianism should have an abbreviation. Transformers are cool. Medications are over rated. I should have read the medicinal warnings on the last two bottles.

I NEED

More scars. A tattoo. To travel around Australia. To feel alive. To stop giggling (and chortle like a man). A physiotherapist. A gym membership. A superpower. A big fourby. Donations and life sponsorships from old rich doods who have too much money. My own island. A happy future. To live forever. Aliens to invade. A bicycle. To wash my hair. A leather jacket. Chocolate milkshakes.

I HAVE

5 pairs of jeans. Three pairs of volleys. My dog. The coolest mates ever. A phone I wish I didn’t have to use. A pathetic bank account. A nice desk. A growing DVD collection. Been told im the perfect rebound guy. Too much sunshine in my bedroom. No arse. Holes in all my socks. No idea where Scandinavia is. A current hatred of light. No shoes on. A backwards perception. Resevoir Dogs, Battle Royale and Transformers dvds in my bag. Just watched Transporter 2.

I AM

A stupid horny poodle. Jack’s wasted destiny. My dog’s master. A delinquent with a profession. 20 going on 20. In debt. Possibly wrong. Sticking to my guns. Hungry. Currently bleeding in three different places. Tired. Wondering why ipods don’t have a bass boost button like my discman. Smitten. In a sleeping bag. Quite horny. An alcoholic. Opinionated. Watching OzAerobics. Naked. Hallucinating from 49 hours of being awake. trying to listen.