I love the NIGHT because it's the time to dream and get back what was lost from the harshness of the day. It's the time to forget about the nasty clients that you had, the negative comments of your boss, the rejection letters that you got and the uneventful and wasted day that just occured.... It's the time to replenish your energy and promise that tomorrow would be better. The thing that I love about night time is it is full of wishful hopes and endless possibilities: "Someday I'll be like this... Someday I'll get through these... Someday things would get better....".

It is on moments like these wherein you can actually just lay back, relax and think of a plan of attack for a better tomorrow. It is the time to lay in bed and go to sleep and together with your ambitions and dreams, rest like royalty! :)

PS:

- Talked to Elaine yesterday. It's good to have her back in my life. <3 I realized that friendships like these are something that no rain or hail or storm can wash away.... that no matter how much strain in the relationship you had was, friendships like these are the ones which are designed to last a lifetime! :)

- Been talking with Donna for days now... Somehow, I felt motherly when I'm talking to her. She somehow reminds me of myself way back 5 years ago... On how we use the word "Depression" non-chalantly. I feel better talking to her... She gives me hope.... and it's something that I have been needing for years now. :)

- I was happy to talk to my HK brother last night. Talking with him always makes me feel a whole lot better. Just like before when we are still studying university in the UK, he always has a solution for all the problems that I'm facing with at the moment, and he always makes sure to solve all my problems at once. It's nice to know that there are still people who work like Superman does.... and I just felt happy that instead of plaguing me with words and thoughts of how stupid I was or how I'm not trying to help myself, the only words that he has for me was: "It was all my fault for not getting online often and checking on what's happening with you my dear sister..." <3 I really slept fairly well last night. It has been the first time that I felt confident in years. <3  I know this might seem odd to a lot of you but the best words he gave me was: "You have a really good CV. This would help a lot!" I felt that there's hope for me to get in where I want to after all! :)

- Thank you God. Konti nalang... My time would come! :)

Today, upon trying, I realized that my favorite jeans of all times are slowly fitting me again.....

which means - I'm finally losing weight! :) yahooooo!!!!!

THANK YOU GOD! :)  I never thought that I can make it.... :) Sigh! It feels good to finally have one goal almost close to reaching! :)

Thank you God! :)

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Name: Jaja
Date: 7/6/2009
Colorgenics Number: 62375041

You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.

Now there are many things in life that you require as essential to your well-being but, try as you may, something always seems to be getting in your way. A word of advice - 'keep trying' and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out.

Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offence, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.

You are experiencing extreme emotional disappointment because it would seem that a particular relationship is no longer running smoothly. You would like to break away from this involvement completely and yet, if this were to happen, then its possible that something very important to you would be lost. You are in a quandary. You are not sure which way to turn. So on the one hand, you would like to free yourself from this attachment altogether, yet on the other, you do not want to lose anything nor risk uncertainty and the possibility of further disappointment. These contradictory and opposing emotions are now causing you considerable stress but you are putting on a brave face - pretending that you don't care.

Circumstances are such that you have been exposed to considerable stress and tension, perhaps due to unfulfilled emotional needs. You would like nothing better than to escape from it all by retiring to some 'fantasy land' where you are permitted to RELAX and get back your strength.

She knocked some senses to me though.... Telling me that everything's gonna be okay and I'm much stronger than I think I am. She advised me to find a job that I love then work my life back up from there.... then take a week long vacation with friends, my sister or cousins.... I feel the need to go to Italy now with my 3 Sisiw Girls!

The big question is: Am I still gonna be the same Jaja as I used to be?! Unbelievably - I often catch myself thinking: This couldn't be happening to me! (In a bad light)

But I'm strong.... and I'm made to last all these so I'm just gonna wait for that tiny bit of hope from God that would change everything back to the way things are.

Thanks for ringing me up love! I really missed you! Thanks for remembering me to look for my worth and purpose and to just do what I love. Do what I need and Do what I'm supposed to do.

I love my friends. :) The real ones anyway.

xoxo

Been feeling that everybody around me is actually looking for a job nowadays.... Somehow, all my staff are feeling a bit sad and are moving on with their lives. Nina is going to culinary school, Hearty is going back to their province because of health reasons and I think my personal secretary for two years, Sweet, is also going to resign soon as showed by her empty desk and clean free table. I feel sad that they're leaving but I really don't feel scared of losing them anymore. It's probably because I have accepted that that's how a business should be like... You need to be ready to let go of the old and in with the new.... Just as Krizelle said: "Kayang kaya mo yan! Magtrain ka nalang ng bago."

Naiisip ko lang tuloy.... Kanya kanyang oras lang talaga ang lahat. :) God truly has reasons for everything and dapat tlga patience to wait for the right moment lang! :) God help us! You are our only hope! :) mwahhh**

Isa lang masasabi ko: Idol kita Bob Ong. Patuloy mo akong ginagawang mabuting tao. Patuloy mong pinapapagana ang utak ko at binibigyan mo ako ng pagasa mabuhay. Salamat sa lahat ng libro mong inaliw ako mula nung High School pa lamang ako.... Isa ka sa mga awtor na talaga nga namang nakakainspire! :) Sana madami ka pang libring magawa para naman madami pa kaming maaalalang matutunan at balikan. Thank you! :)

2. “Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo.”

3. “Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka.”

4.  ”Nakabalik ako sa lugar, pero hindi ko naibalik ang panahon.”

5. ”Huwag mong maliitin ang kakayahan mong tsumamba”

6. “Obligasyon kong maglayag, karapatan kong pumunta sa kung saan ko gusto, responsibilidad ko ang buhay ko.”

7. “Nalaman kong habang lumalaki ka, maraming beses kang madadapa. Bumangon ka man ulit o hindi, magpapatuloy ang buhay, iikot ang mundo, at mauubos ang oras.”

8. “Wala namang masama sa pangingibang-bayan. Walang masama kung gusto mong lisanin ang barkong sa tingin mo’y papalubog na. Basta’t wag mo lang hahagisan ng anumang pabigat ang barko habang pinagsusumikapan itong isalba ng ibang tao.”

9. “Lahat naman ng tao sumeseryoso pagtinamaan ng pagmamahal. Yun nga lang, hindi lahat matibay para sa temptasyon.”

10. “Merong matigas.. merong malambot.. merong tuwid..merong kulot.. merong buo..merong durog.. at merong mga taong hindi basta basta lumulubog!”

11. “Walang taong manhid. Hindi niya lang talaga maintindihan kung ano ang gusto mong iparating dahil ayaw mo siyang diretsuhin.”

12. “Pakawalan mo yung mga bagay na nakakasakit sayo kahit pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin yung araw na sakit nalang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo.”

13. “Kapag pinag-aagawan ka malamang maganda o gwapo ka. Sumama ka sa mabuti, hindi sa mabait. Sa marunong hindi sa matalino. Sa mahal ka, hindi sa gusto ka.”

14. “Naniniwala ako sa isang prinsipyo sa psychology na nagsasabing para makuha mo ang gusto mo, kailangan nkatatak ito sa isip mo ng buong-buo. VISUALIZED..“

15. “Hindi naman lagi iiyak ang mundo para lang sa isang tao.”

16. “Ano namang mapapala mo kakaisip sa nakaraan at sa mga pwede pang mangyari? wala knaman sigurong super powers para maibalik ang nakalipas na. Dapat matuto kang pahalagahan ang mga nangyayari sayo sa kasalukuyan. Isipin mo yung ngayon. I-enjoy mo lang ang buhay. Wag kang emo. Hindi ka talaga magiging masaya kung di mo tutulungan ang sarili mo. Natural lang na makaramdam ng lungkot paminsan-minsan pero ang pagiging miserable? Wag kang hibang choice mo yan.”

17. ”Tatlong uri ng mamamayan: Ang mahihirap, ang mas mahihirap at ang mga makapangyarihang oportunistang maylikha sa dalawa.”

18. “Mahirap magpatupad ng batas, pero madali maghanap ng violations kapag oras na ng sisihan.”

19. “Kung hindi mo alam kung sino ka, paano mo maipagmamalaki ang sarili mo?”

20. “Hindi ba malaking pagkakamali ng maraming eskwelahan na gawing 0 to 10% lang ang ‘character’ sa computation ng grades gayong Character ang humuhulma sa tao, pamilya, bansa, mundo at kasaysayan?”

21. “Nalaman kong maswerte ako dahil pinaglaro at pinag-aral ako ng mga magulang ko nung bata pa ako. Hindi pala lahat ng bata e dumadaan sa kamusmusan.”

22. ”Kumain ka na ng siopao na may palamang pusa o maglakad sa bubog nang nakayapak, pero wag na wag kang susubok mag-drugs. Kung hindi mo kayang umiwas, humingi ka ng tulong sa mga magulang mo dahil alam nila kung saan ang mga murang supplier at hindi ka nila iisahan.”

23. “Nalaman kong mali ang laging mamigay ng pad paper sa mga kaklaseng linta na hindi bumibili ng paper kahit may pambili.”

24. “Paano ko sila pasasalamatan kung ngayon ko lang naintindihan ang mga itinuro nila?”

24. “Minsan kailangan mong maging malakas, para amining mahina ka.”

25. “Kung ako ay isang walang kwentang manunulat, english ang isusulat ko, para kahit anu anu ang sabihin ko hindi na nila mahahalata.. Kaya nga ako nagsulat sa tagalog para maintindihan ng mambabasa ang lahat ng sinasabi ko.”

26. “Kahit saang anggulo tingnan, mahirap yatang lunuking ang katwirang “eh ano kung mabaho tayo, may mas mabaho pa naman sa atin ah!”

27. “Ano ang talino kung walang disiplina?”

28. “Kulang ba tayo sa pagmamalaki? Ito ba ang dahilan kaya pinalitan ng Philipine Eagle ang maya bilang pambansang ibon? May mali nga ba sa mga simbolo ng ating kasarinlan at idelohiya?”

29. “Kung kabayo gagawa ng libro mahirap maging palaging politically correct para sa mga damo.”

30. “Pare, isa kang totoong tao at walang halong kasinungalingan. In English, FACT you, pare. Totoo ka. In English, FACT you!”

I guess its safe to say that my biggest supporter to date is myself. I grew up getting used to having a lot of support from other people. That was way back when my friends are still back here in the Philippines and I'm still in school and is favored by many.... I guess every waking moment I had since I got back from the UK makes me miss my old life even more. Think Blair Waldorf not getting into Yale. I am so Blair now.

Now, that I'm working on my family business, I needed to learn how to work all by myself and depend only on myself since it seems like there's nobody to depend on anymore.... My parents became my boss and any complaint might disappoint them, my sister became my colleague and me being older, automatically means I assume a bigger position which blocks me from showing her true emotions since I would want her to think that everything is going well. My BF is too ironically idealistic and practical on wrong situations all the time and believes that I'm crazy. God is busy at the moment with the bigger problems of the world. I guess that means that the only person left to talk to and turn to is myself.

Ever since, Myself has never failed me. Myself always accepted me for who I am, always tries to cheer me up when I'm down and understands me the best way possible. Myself always provided me with good reasons on why the world doesnt work my way and why things are not as good as it seems. Myself has been my greatest supporter - being the loneliest in times of failures and happiest in moments of success! :) I guess I'll never find anyone like Myself.

Im so sorry myself for always degrading you.... for listening to others who never seem to think that you can do it no matter how many achievements you attain. Im sorry for making you look worse when the world gets too much and giving up just like that despite all the past exemplary stuff you showed. I'm sorry for doubting your capabilities inspite all the wonderful things that you have shown. I'm sorry for ever thinking that you need another person to make you happy when you yourself, can make a billion people feel good about themselves. I'm sorry for surrendering you even if you don't want to. I'm sorry for abusing you. I'm sorry for not taking care of you enough.

From now on - I'll support you the same way you support me. I'll be there staying for you, cheering you on and supporting you even if the world walks out on you. I'll be your very best friend.

Thank you for all the wonderful times we shared and for all the future success stories that we'll astound the world with - Salute! :) I just can't wait! :)

It's amazing how I see this situation now. I guess when I started to do the job myself, I became more confident and saw that even without them - the company would actually run on its own. I might still need to deal with some problems, but who doesn't?! I feel that its worth hiring new employees and training them again personally than paying ungrateful employees who whine all they want even if they're not excelling or performing well based on quotas and productivity. I guess hiring new ones is like starting a new business -  you need to take care of them well, need to train them to your standards and look on what's good for the company and start not to take things personally. The truth is I'm just tired of my staff who abuses my consideration and feel as if they're indispensible. I'm just glad that I can let go of them now with a worry free heart.   

I know that God has reasons for everything. Atleast that's what I believe in and somehow, I feel that this is the right time for me to actually start a new. I feel as if I can run my own department now compared to 2 years ago. It's funny how experience can change you. As much as I know that I have so much to deal with, I feel that I can actually lead my own department now. I feel that in the past 2 months of going out and facing clients, I have a clearer view on what to expect and what kind of people to train. I am still a bit worried about handling complaints but just like when i started doing Sales Calls - I feel as if its an entity that I would need to learn to become a much perfect boss and a much perfect leader of my department. Right now - I can actually say that I'm now fitting for my job.

What are my future plans?! I actually really don't know. Unlike most my friends, I'm indefinite of what my future holds but what I'm sure about is I'll be standing tall and proud and successful. No doubt about it. I would still want to do a lot of stuff and they say that time is my main enemy but I don't think its true. My main enemy is doubt and sadness and loneliness and I surely know that Im much better than that. I'll have to overcome my insecurities and that tiny voice that says I'll fail coz I might but that doesnt mean forever. I know that I'll be one successful person. Success is a word that's long been written in my blood and luck is something that nobody can take away from me. I can cry for weeks now but somewhere in the future, I'll really be happy! :) I know that I will be.

So a tiny advice on those people who feels as if their job is killing them - please make sure that you're an asset to the company before you throw bad bad words about your job or your company or your boss. Make sure that you're really indispensible before you demand for better things because sooner - they might get tired of all your useless complaints and rebellion and might just give you what you want. In time - you'll see that this is actually the best you ever had and you can never go back.

So think people. THINK. Better make sure that when you say SIGNING OFF.... it's for real and not just a "now" moment otherwise, they might just get tired of you - and..... you'll never know what hit you.

Good things actually happened today. After 2-3 weeks of Sales Calls, our work finally paid off. Two of our clients called today to say that they are closing their deals with us! :) One of the clients advised us to wait for the PO and the other one would need to do some quality inspection tests with our machines then we're ready to seal the cap on! :) Finally - a little bit of light is shining through.... :) Thank you GOD! :) 

I also had the time to actually go to my agency and update my profile with them. I did my VTR and asked for tips and advices to get projects soon. I really would want to get this modelling thing started. It has been on hold for about 3 years now and finally - I think I'm ready to hit it on. As the recession is dawning on me at the moment, I would need to exert extra effort to earn my own money. Not only will it do good on my bank account but it would also make my parents think that atleast they did something right on me. Speaking of money, I also got a reply from one of my dream companies to work with. I'm still waiting for the next steps but as of the moment - all is good. :) I so wanna get in! I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Camie's secretary resigned today. It didn't really do much on us.... Probably, I have gotten so used to the fast turn over of employees in our company. Whatever it is, It's a good thing that for the first time - I ddnt feel any grudge towards her. Maybe this is the start of feeling unattached to them. Haaaay.... I wish I'll be able to find good employees soon. Once I start earning my own dough, I'll use it to start and finance my own department. Para my mom won't think of it as a problem anymore...... I'll also help out in starting up with our Timeshare. It's so difficult to find trustworthy people nowadays.... Grabe! I never thought that handling people would be one of the most difficult things to do. Until now - I still admire my mom so much for being able to do this for almost 3 decades! She's really one person who has accomplished so much. Sana someday, I would be like her din! :) Able to do something with her life, able to finance her own family and considered the pride of her hometown! :)

I really don't wanna indulge you on my personal life at the moment. Everything is so confusing. I don't wanna put in or say so much stuff that I would regret or things that I would take back tomorrow so better keep my mouth shut.

Sometimes - carrying the world around your shoulders can be so tiring.

I wonder how GOD does it?! ;)