It all started with simple phone calls, the usual 'Hi' and 'Hello' and some 'How are you these past few days?'.  My first reactions were 'I am fine now' and 'What else would you like to know?'.  I am not good with handling heartaches and break-ups.  Until finally I realized I am so tired pretending to be angry when all this time all I wanted were answers.  And today I had the chance to ask my questions and found the real answers.  I have never felt so relieved in my entire life!  It's like untangling a pile of threads and spool them one by one.

It's just unfortunate that from the time that we asked for our freedom up to this day I learned to let go of my emotions, not because I want to but because I have to.  So when asked if the past is really part of the past, I paused for a moment and quietly replied, "Yes, because it would be unfair if I would accept those who wanted me back knowing that I don't have anything left to give them."  There was silence, a long eerie silence before "I understand".  Then another pause, "Am I free to love anyone I choose now?" to which I replied, "We already had that freedom the day we walked away from each other".

Before hanging up I expressed my thanks for the relationship and love that we once shared together and now we shall begin our journey as friends.  Who said lovers can't return to being friends?  And what is so bittersweet about everything is the message I received after the phone call, "I still love you."  I would like to reply, "I still do, too" but decided not to for one should not try to return to whence they came because they will never get to their destination if they do.

If I asked myself this question years ago, I would definitely say we seek love because we think something like that really exists.  But now, things are a bit different.  I would say we seek love because it really exists.  Looking for that one person who can love us the way we wanted to, and searching the entire planet for that single person we like to spend the rest of our lives with are enough good reasons. 

I used to believe fighting for what you love is insanity.  Against all odds.  You and me against the world.  People who put their lives on the line just to be with the person they love are out of their minds.  People who cheated, broke someone's heart or even killed for what they believe is love.  How could you treasure someone that is not even from your blood line?  How can you care so much for such a complete stranger?  How could you throw away everything you have just to be with that person?  I think now I am beginning to understand.  Well, it's because we have learned how to really love.  It's an emotion that has no exact definition but we all understand what it is.  Some people may find some reasons immoral, improper, or culturally, socially or politically unacceptable, but what the heck?  We choose to seek love because we believe that it will give us the kind of happiness that we are all looking for in this sad, gloomy world. We chase after it because we think that it will fill that void in our lives.  And for those who can find it, I'll bet there is no greater feeling in the world than this... to see your life mirrored in a stranger's eyes!

This is the month of a new beginning for my career.  Who would have thought that after four years of staying in Nueva Ecija after college graduation, I would step again on the fertile soil of Laguna.  Being here is like coming home from a very long journey.  My energy is renewed and I feel great.  I don't know how this feeling will last but I am just happy walking around the campus with my good old backpack, retracing my footsteps ten years ago.  Imagine, exactly ten years ago I was a freshman student in this campus and now I am teaching Chemistry to freshman students.

This is a month of greater wisdom.  I learned that to have your heart broken is a better feeling than not to have learned how to love.  We learn through experience.  Do you really think we learned to avoid fire because someone told us not to touch it?  No.  We learned to avoid fire because once in our life, we burned our fingers on a stove or a candle.  And yet, we did not fear fire.  We learned to tame it, use it for our own sake.  It's like falling in love.  We may get hurt in the process but we learn from what went wrong.  When someone breaks our heart, we should pick up the large pieces and try to move on.  Do not wait for someone to pick the pieces up.  Save your dignity.  But never pick the small ones because even if you cut yourself and bleed picking every last little piece, you can never make your heart whole again.  But I believe that as we move on with our life carrying those large chunks, someone is destined to eventually put them back together.  It may not look as perfect as before but at least you have the best pieces saved for that person to hold on to.

This is a month of new crossroads.  If you meet a person once, that is normal.  To meet again the second time, it's coincidence.  A third one is sheer luck.  Above that, think again.  People call it destiny.  Others call it fate.  I call it extraordinary.  Because I believe people are like falling stars, eventually they fall and then disappear in the horizon.  They will never cross the night sky twice.  People come and go.  So to constantly bump on someone for more than five times now, it's quite extraordinary.  I really find it weird and amusing at the same time.  I believe that we cross paths for a reason.  It's friendship no doubt.  But of what kind?  For a reason?  For a season?  Or for a lifetime?

This is a month of enduring friendships.  We just celebrated our ten years of being friends, my college friends and I.  Though we are not complete, I think the message is clear, friends are persons you can always count on.  But sometimes there are things we tend to forget.  Friends are also persons.  They can feel pain and sadness.  I once read in a small note that we should visit our friends' house often because weeds can block an uncrossed path.  I also learned that friends are the worst of enemies.  This often leads to misinterpretations.  When it says enemies, I don't think it means our friends hate us so much they can never forgive us for our wrongdoings.  I believe true friends are forgiving.  Not tolerant but forgiving.  True friends do not tolerate grave misconducts.  Friends are mirrors of our soul.  If we did something wrong, our friends would let us know.  So looking back at the ten years of friendship, I think we have come a long way and I am still looking forward to another decade of enduring friendship.

Since I have nothing to do today, I browsed youtube looking for anime music videos (amv) when I immediately recalled an issue about a Miss California making a statement of discrimination of some sort (well at least that's how the press sensationalized the issue).

And after minutes of listening to different video coverages, I find myself asking "Where is the issue in that?"  Here is the summary:

Question from Perez Hilton: "Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage.  Do you think every state should follow suit, why or why not?"

Answer from Miss California: "Well I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other.  We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage.  And you know what?  In my country, and in my family I think and I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman.  No offense to anybody out there but that's how I was raised and how I think it should be between a man and a woman."

See what i mean?  I don't think Miss California gave a very offensive answer.  She delivered it in the most honest and sincere way.  That is how she was raised and that is her belief for Pete's sake!  That is her opinion and she is entitled to it.  She did not say, "Marriage should be between men and women only and all gay people should be burned alive!"  No!  She was sincere and civilized enough to make an honest answer on national television that defined her true self.  And may I quote, she also said "No offense to anybody out there but that's how I was raised and how I think it should be between a man and a woman".  By saying that I think she addressed those people that she knew will hate her for giving that answer asking for apology and their understanding.  That statement was a form of recognition that there are people out there who do not share her opinion.  I don't think Miss California is an anti-gay person.  Too bad for Mr. Hilton, he did not get the answer he was expecting so he badmouthed Miss California and the issue started spreading like wildfire.

This issue simply tells us that if you are a homosexual and you want your rights to be recognized and respected, you should also respect the rights of those heterosexual people around you.  And let's start with the right to his or her own opinion.

***

On Perez Hilton's statements:  (click the link to view his video blog)

I don't think Miss California gave 'the worst answer in pageant history'.  Come on!  This is an overstatement, if there is such a word.  A 'worst answer' would be something that is stated not because she thinks it is right but because she thinks it will win her the crown.

Miss California was not booed!  I think I heard applause because she was brave enough to stood by her ideals and speak her mind out knowing that there are people out there who will hate her for such an answer.  Mr. Hilton must be deaf.  He probably heard his own self booing Miss California.

I believe Miss California is not a dumb bitch.  She isn't dumb and she's not a bitch.  If there is someone acting like a dumb bitch right now, it would be Mr. Hilton.

This is funny!  May I quote Mr. Hilton: "If I were Miss California, with half a brain, I would have said... (just view the video blog fro the full statement)"  He just admitted having half a brain!  Good thing Miss California's is still whole.  Though I have to admit that Mr. Perez gave a very satisfying answer, considering he just have half a brain, it still doesn't excuse him from badmouthing Miss California if she did not gave the answer he expected.

And for the final point, Miss California did not alienate gay people through her answer.  It's the gay people making horrible remarks about her that alienates themselves from the civilized world.  Miss California inspired people to make their own bold and sincere statements.  What she did is an act of courage!  So applause for Miss California and boo for Mr. Hilton.  It's a good thing that not all gay people think like you!  

***

(Oh, and if Mr. Hilton will justify his 'badmouthing' as a 'right to his own opinion', it shall prove another thing... that he is narrow minded and he has a brain of a starfish.  Oh wait, starfish doesn't have a brain!)

***

I am not an anti-gay person.  I am not very religious.  But I believe that we have our own rights to express freely what we believe in and people should not badmouth us for that. 

Imagine a typical school scenario, a wimp being bullied by a big fourth grader.  The fourth grader picks on Wimpy (he will be known by this name) and makes his life feel like hell.  Who's to blame?  It's not the fourth grader; it's Wimpy.  He chose to be bullied.  He chose to just run, hide and cry.  He did not choose to stand up for his rights no matter what the consequences are, a bloody nose or cracked ribs perhaps.  People would say, "Poor Wimpy"!  Well, I couldn't agree more; poor Wimpy indeed!  He chose to live in fear.

In an academic setting, the bully may be expelled from the school but in the real world, things are a lot different.  And this is what the school failed to tell Wimpy.  The Earth is a big jungle of hungry wolves and soaring vultures waiting for a weakling to prey on.  If you are too afraid to even tell those people preying on you to stop meddling with your life then they won't.  If your voice is not loud enough then you will not be heard.  If you can't show them that they have no power over you then you will forever live in fear.

We define ourselves, we define our life.  No mortal has the authority to make us do things that are against our will.  No one has the right to make us feel inferior because we are all created equal.  We can't blame other people for our failures because they don't decide for us; we are the ones who make choices, we are the ones who make decisions.  We are the ones who define our life.

Si Lucky:

Alas ocho y medya ng umaga, lumabas si Lucky ng Rm. 109, nagtungo sa tambayan at doon ay nakita niya ang mga kasama. Matapos makipagkamay sa lahat ng miyembro, nilapitan si Brad, humingi ng Lights at nag-umpisang humitit. Tatlong upos ang naitapon niya sa may damuhan bago nilapitan si Jeck upang alukin ng Judge.

Matapos ang dalawang oras ay dumating sina Liza at Jhen na may dalang chocolate crinkles. Fund-raising project ito ng grupo para sa darating na med mission sa San Nikolas. May halong yabang na ipinamalita ni Jhen na nakumbinsi na nina Starr at Jackie ang MedInc na magbigay ng suportang pinansyal.

Bago siya umalis ay ipinaalala sa kanya ni Brad na may BNO limang gabi mula ngayon. May bagong bukas na club sa siyudad.

Si Em-Jay:

Ala-una ng hapon, mahilu-hilo si Em-Jay na lumabas ng Anx. 204 kung saan sila nagklase ng Math 100. Kahit wala na ang kanyang professor ay dinig pa rin niya ang boses nito… Math is fun once you put your soul into learning numbers. Dumiretso siya sa mga babaeng nakahilera sa lobby. Ibinigay ang makapal na notebook ni Sharon, ang pinakamasipag sa klase, upang ipa-photocopy. Matapos magbayad ng 9.50, dumiretso sa Rm. 201 upang isauli ang notebook. Lumabas si Sharon upang kunin ito. Hindi na tuloy niya naisulat ang lecture ni Prof. Guzman tungkol sa variance at standard deviation.

Tatlumpung minuto bago mag-umpisa ang klase ng Zoo Lab, nagtungo si Em-Jay sa banyo sa third floor ng Business Ad. Nagtungo sa isang cubicle at nagbasa ng mga vandal. Tumingin siya sa kanyang relo. 1:30, Sept 14. Tama naman ang oras at petsa. Ilang segundo pa ay bumukas ang pinto ng banyo. Dumating na ang kanyang hinihintay.

Si Emmanuel:

Ala-singko ng hapon, kasama ni Emmanuel na lumabas ng Zoo Lab si Sarah. Matapos makipag-kita kina George at Cha sa lobby ay dumiretso na sila sa bahay nina Father Jack.

Higit-kumulang na labinlimang minuto ang hinintay nila bago sila nag-umpisa. Hinintay pa kasi nila ang ibang kasama. Nag-umpisa ang pag-aaral sa panalangin at dito rin ito nagtapos. Maganda ang paksa ngayong gabi. Tungkol ito sa aklat ni Mateo.

Bago tuluyang umuwi ang mga kabataan ay inabutan sila ng certificates. Ayon kay Father Jack, ito raw ay tanda ng kanilang pagtatapos ng isa na naming semestre sa piling ng Maykapal. Nawa raw ay maging instrumento sila ng kabutihan.

Walang bahid na lungkot sa mukha ang mga naghiwahiwalay na kabataan. Alam kasi nilang magkikita pa ulit sila sa susunod na semestre.

Si Lemuel:

Alas-ocho na nang dumating sa bahay si Lemuel. Nagmano sa kanyang Ama at Ina bago nagtungo sa kusina upang kumain ng masarap na hapunan. Matapos magsipilyo ay dumiretso sa kwarto, naligo at nagbihis. Mula sa kanyang aparador ay kinuha ang isang maliit na notebook. 7419. Ito ang number combination ng lock. Kinuha niya ang kanyang Parker pen at nagsulat:

Sept. 14, 1999
9:12 p.m.


Marami ang nangyari ngayong araw na ito…

Lucky/EM-jay/emmanUEL

For the past four years, I have been receiving good comments from students telling me that I am 'mabait', funny, 'masayahin', 'magaling magturo'...  It's actually, overwhelming but I guess I am looking for something that would satisfy my hunger for appreciation.

Looking back at the past years, the comments are actually getting better.  During my first two years of teaching, students complain about my 'mahinang boses', 'masyadong mabait', and 'mahirap magpa-exam'.  At least I got rid of the vocal issue, but leaving me almost suffering from pharyngitis.  It's difficult to compete with noisy students especially those who prefer to sit at the back of the classroom and talk with their seatmates.  About the 'masyadong mabait' thing, I explained once in my class that I try as much as possible to pacify the class in a much less violent and verbally abusive manner because they are already in college.  They are no longer high school students who need to be reprimanded from time to time for being noisy or for not doing their homework.  And so that leaves the 'grade conscious' making 'shhhhhh!' everytime the class becomes phonetically active.  About the exams, well... after four years of experience, I found out that students hate modified true or false, essay, identification and problem solving.  On the other hand, they will love you for making an exam rich in enumeration, matching type and multiple choice... Unfortunately for them, since I love them so much and I don't want them to be 'kabisote', I crossed out the enumeration and matching type from the list, and fused problem solving, identification and true or false with multiple choice.  I crossed out essay for my sanity's sake.

Wow!  That was quite a journey!  Going back to the discussion, my evaluation got better and better as semeters passed, however I am still looking for a simple comment from my students.  It's not 'ang bait nyo pong teacher' because teachers are 'mabait' in the first place.  We just have different ways of showing them but the bottom line is, we care so much for our students.  It's not 'masayahin po kayo' because we are not clowns.  We have to carry a small package of humor inside a classroom not to make you laugh but to help you stay awake.  It's not 'magaling po kayong magturo' because we were employed to teach in the first place.  The 'magaling' there is very relative.  What's 'magaling' to you may not be 'magaling' to some.

The magic words here are: 'I learned a lot' or 'I'm a better person because of you'.  The only instance that a teacher can say that he did his job well is when he sees his students excel in their respective academic fields, discover their talents, and make teachers out of themselves.  I think teachers are called such not because we relay what is already written in books but because it is our role to help the students discover their inner self, gain wisdom and be more independent.

Relax, those are not curses.  No!  I am not good with curses or spells or any magical incantation.  It's just something I made up to catch your attention.

Even with my aching head right now and enlarged tonsils, I made a decision to write something about chain letters.  Only one word can describe chain letters --- ANNOYING!  The same goes to the people who are very fond of forwarding chain letters through text messages, e-mails, and bulletin posts.

When I was in elementary, chain letters were personalized.  They were handwritten or typewritten on a white bond paper and the usual message was an enumeration of people who became lucky because they sent the same letter to a certain number of people before a deadline.  There were also lists of people who got sick, died, or became severely unlucky because they failed to send the letters before the deadline.  In college, chain letters were sent through e-mail.  The technology allowed multiple recipients saving the sender from calloused hands.  There was an addition to the 'punishment' that the recipient shall receive if the letter was not forwarded to a certain number of people.  It got a lot scarier.  These versions were inspired by 'The Ring'.  Ghosts and restless malevolent spirits shall come to the recipients if they failed to send the letters.  Then came the era of mobile phones and text messaging.  Chain letters are now sent as text messages and the 'punishment' just got worse.  Someone we love so much or we hold dear shall suffer the wrath of the deadly curses.  And this is the part where it became really annoying!

I know that we fear death and we fear that someone or something could really harm our loved ones but if you really, really believe that there is an omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent power guiding you in your daily lives, then why in the world would you worry about something that a certain psychotic wrote on a piece of paper, an e-mail or a text message.

I have been receiving (and deleting) chain letters since college.  And thank God, I am still alive, my family is doing well and not a single bloody ghost ever crept up to my bed.  It would be hyprocrisy if I will tell you that I deleted those messages calmly.  Of course I was nervous and afraid; but I believe that there is a power protecting me from all these and I am very thankful.

Also, one of the reasons why I do not forward chain messages is because I don't want other people to go through the same fear and annoyance that I go through whenever I receive those kind of messages.  Receiving messages telling you that your parents will be killed or a malevolent spirit shall try to scare you to death is traumatic and I don't think a lot of people can have the sanity to handle that kind of stress, or share the same faith as mine.  If you forward a letter like that, the curse is not the killer; it's actually the sender... you!

So, if I were you I would stop forwarding messages like that or posting them in bulletin boards.  You're just making things worse, maybe not for you but for other people.  They don't call it chain letter for nothing.  It does chain you and incapacitates you to use your free will.  And there is only one way to break free, break it!  Stop sending them.  It all ends with you!

Let me start by quoting what Vicky Belo said on TV.  "If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Dr. Calayan.  But if you want to look like Dingdong Dantes and Piolo Pascual, come to Belo."

Personally, I do not see any offensive remarks in what Belo said.  It's all a case of misinterpretation.  She did not say, "Dr. Calayan's works will make you look like Boy Abunda, who pales in comparison to Dingdong Dantes and Piolo Pascual in terms of aesthetic value."  Her quote simply implies that if you like how Boy Abunda looks like (in terms of skin tone, pore size, etc.) go to Dr. Calayan, but if you like the radiance of Dingdong and Piolo's skin, come to Belo.  There was no implication that Boy Abunda is ugly, disfigured or visually unappealing.  Boy Abunda just happens to be Calayan's main endorser and so she used Boy Abunda to reperesent Calayan.

In the said interview, after Vicky Belo mentioned those infamous lines, Mo Twister cracked in laughter saying, "Well said, well said!"  After that, probably realizing the possibility of a misinterpretation (and it did happen and spread like Australian bushfire), Belo said, "Joke lang 'yun ha?"  But it's too late!

I can't blame Boy Abunda for reacting that way on SNN.  What he did and said was just a normal reaction from someone who was 'insulted' on national TV.  But if there is another person insulted in all this commotion, it's Dr. Calayan.  I mean, why would people think that Boy Abunda is visually unappealing?  Is he unappealing from the start?  Or is it because of his clinic's name?  "If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Dr. Calayan..."  Is he that bad in his medical profession that people will think that he caused Boy Abunda to become unappealing (in comparison to Dingdong and Piolo)?  If I am going to switch the names, would it still have that same effect?  "If you want to look like Dingdong Dantes and Piolo Pascual, go to Dr. Calayan.  But if you want to look like Boy Abunda, come to Belo."  Think again.

Bottom line of this post is, be very careful with what comes out of our mouth because hungry souls are waiting to fish for words that might cause us to self-destruct.  People are fond of feasting on our mistakes and misery.  Note to self: be very careful with words!

Out of the hundreds of ways that I tried to forget you over the past ten months, none worked so far.  I can't say I did not try because I really did.  And yet you still linger in my memory.  I decided to view your pictures because I wanted to find out for myself if I am completely over you.  Big mistake; my eyes welled up.  I still miss you.  After all these months of trying, I am a complete failure.

Dawn is nearing.  Though I am exhausted from a hard day's work, I can't fall asleep.  At least not yet.  I can still remember how you would send me a late night slash very early in the morning message just to let me know that you're with your friends, enjoying life, tasting the fruits of your five years of academic labor.  I can still remember how none of us would give up sending messages until the other person falls asleep from sheer exhaustion.

Regrets.  Just regrets.

In my efforts to forget you, I just realized that I will never get over you.  If it took me this long to shake you out of my head, and still fail, nothing can ever get you out now.  Your image will fade away, but there will always be something that will bring you back.

No matter how hard I try, I can never get over you.

Efforts are useless, because though my head says I should forget you, my heart says no.  I can't.  I won't.  Why?  Because in my twenty-something years of existence, you are one of the best things that ever happened in my life.  And I would always cherish that day we met and became friends, and that one afternoon we shared that frozen dessert.  If I could go back in time, I would freeze that moment and won't even let the sun rise again.

Regrets.  Just regrets.  I should have told you when I had the chance.  I should have never left without saying goodbye.  The dawn is not the same without you.  Who would have thought that that was our last sunset together.  I still miss you!