OH YOU.

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:35:44 +0000

Here i am, trying to figure you out again.

Here you are, pulling my chains and ringing my bells.

And here i am back again. Oh I've thought about all of this way too much, so much that my brain falls into its natural groove, listening to "climbing up the walls" so loud the walls shake and I can't help but wonder what will happen this time.

Even though time and a million voices have told me that everything you utter is a lie, its still your voice that i listen to.

Nothing is louder than that.

SPELL "UNDERSTATEMENT".

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:33:17 +0000

Does anyone else ever wonder why they call them 'suicide notes'?

Something about making the most important decision you could ever muster up, about writing the very last words that you leave the entire world with, being called a 'note', makes me a little sick.

Truth.

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 11:24:08 +0000

A year is a long time to be doing nothing with your life.

To be in a relationship with someone you don't love because it's convenient. To lie, steal, curse, swear, hate. To be secretly in love with a commited man and ruin his life with it. To be taking pills to end your life because it's easier. To have never slept with someone more than once.To disappoint your parents. Again and again. To give birth to and raise a child you never wanted and secretly resent. To get caught for shoplifting things you could easily afford. To find that the drugs are eating away at your bones and not even care. To be given a second chance at life and throw it away. To fall asleep every night crying because you feel like a failure. To let go of hope. To know that the last thing your mother told is true:

"you are not what you could have been, and for this i will never forgive you."

Here Is Where It's At

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 07:29:03 +0000

The "you" I know has changed names. I love you firefly.

Oh You Know I'm Right.

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 03:29:41 +0000

I'm sick of people always wondering if the person they're with is the 'one' or not.

I guess my reaction to all this lacks grace but it is honest and that counts for something.

It's bullshit. You keep making and changing your mind. Wondering about what you might miss out on if you stay, or what you might lose if you leave. I used to be like that too. Second guesses and what ifs.

But try losing someone. Not of your own choosing. Try walking the sidewalks without someone that used to make you feel like fire inside. The truth is simple, frighteningly so. It reads and feels like this. When you know, you just know. There is no doubt. And every other love, every question, every what if existed to bring you to that truth. So quit playing with each other's hearts. Jump in or get out. Because when you find the one you want, there is no room for anything but certainty.

Hang on tight. Hold their heart like it's a parachute and the ground is 500 miles below and just hope that they want you too. Because if they don't it's going to be a rough landing. That's all there is to it. That's all there is.

And We Sang.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:35:12 +0000

Where did you come from? With all your explanations and that amazing smile. With ten thousand questions and even more apologies. You hit me like a hurricane, throwing words and hurt and heartache.

And though I know you from angry glance to self-assured stride, I will never know you well enough. And though I've held you in a million places, from your bed to mine, I will never hold you close enough.

You were the best time of my life. Then, even now, it's crystal clear. You never meant to but you let me down. I deserved it. But i kept you in my pockets. Always. Always.

I'll Be Your Lipstick Stain.

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 23:43:02 +0000

"What's a pretty girl like you doing here, wasting time on me?"

"Shut up and fuck me."

"I might get used to this."

"Good."

I glued on my sluttiest smile, drank in every drop. That's all I really have of you, so please don't make me stop. Oh you can stop loving me, if that's what you want. Just hold me use me sex me up.

I'll Keep Your Sheets Wet.

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 05:23:29 +0000

Him: I missed you. I've been wanting to hold you, but can't.

Me: You can now.

Him: I don't wanna mess you up this time.

Me: Don't worry. You won't. I know how to handle it now.

Him: You know this has to stop someday. You can't be the other girl forever.

Me: I know. I know. I'm just not ready yet.

Him: Okay. I'll make you a deal. You wanna keep doing this? Be a good girl? You want me to be your guy? Act like my girl. Behave yourself. Stop messing up your life. I can't just stand there and watch you fuck things up.

Me: Okay.

Him: You know, you're a lot more beautiful when you're not acting crazy.

--------

Your lips never tasted sweeter.

100 Words.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 03:55:56 +0000

Once upon a coke line, there was a girl who lived inside me. She loved stars and roadtrips and was everyone's favorite pharmacy.

She loved life, didn't do drugs [much] and loved sitting on the rooftop. She spent hours smoking cigarettes, listening to love/metal/punk/rock. She played drums as a profession and if you asked her anything about rock and roll she could answer you on the spot.

She laughed and smiled and wrote and lived a million fantasies. She had messy hair and almond eyes and was loved by almost everybody.

I wonder where she is now.

Boy After Boy.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 00:37:58 +0000

First there was Joshua, with his baggy jeans and hazel eyes. I was twelve and he was fourteen and we spent our time hanging out at the middle school parking lot, smoking Parisiennes, making out, watching the skate kids do their thing. I didn't love him. He didn't love me. I don't think I knew what love was then yet.

Then there was Christopher. He meant nothing.

Then came Daniel and Ryan and Ken. They held me down on my seventeenth birthday. I can't remember who went first or who came last. It happened so fast. Bloody sheets greeted me good morning.

Then there was Carlo who wiped me clean. Two full years of love and cheeseburgers and being drug-free. But he found out about all those guys-in-between and where I really went when he thought I was asleep. He's with someone shinier now.

When I had Carlo I also had them. Kim and Gill and Maynard and Justin. One of them gave me the best summer ever. Oh you know what I mean. I was their lustrush queen.

Then I had Jason and with him came Mary Jane. Nights of weed and crack cocaine. Too much alcohol, too many cigarettes. Just too much, too much of everything. He loved me, he loved me. I remember him wrapping bandages around my arms. When I cut myself open, he sewed me shut. But then he gave me up.

Oh and after him came a whirlwind of casual fucks. I was a slut. Patrick and Macky and Chester and John. And a few others whose names I forgot. I fucked for drugs, for fake love. But man I was praying for love in every blowjob.

After then there was Jessie with his girlfriend of five years. We used to spend hours at the studio, him on vocals, me on drums, his friends strumming guitars. It was music, music, music. He learned to love me more than her. But not enough, not enough. I wanted more.

Oh next came Mike. You know Mike. With his big brown eyes and bubblegum lips. I fell in love with his kiss and the metaphors we always spoke in. Ask me when I first loved, I'd tell you it was with him. He loved me hurt me loved me. I moved on. I was well even without him.

And now there's you. You and your magic tricks and hungry lips. You and how you make sense of me and how you make me good. You un-raped me. Undid everything. And if friendship is all we have, then let me be your sideline slut. Your favorite fuck. Coz I can't be without your taste. And I'll never remember to forget your face.