just a while ago, I was thinking what if I told him?

I didn't mean to sound emo, but there's something iffy between us.

why would he text me endlessly when me and my bestfriend can't even exchange 20 text messages a day?

uh- maybe it's just in the "text messages" because we act awkwardly when we face each other.

i don't know anymore.

it's like HALF-half.

half-- I love him.

half-- I don't.

+

And sometimes, it makes me wonder if others can read my mind about this matter. I know a couple of people know what I feel about him. that he makes me frustrated. But to others that don't know, do they have a hint?

Answer: MAYBE.

right. Maybe they do. Maybe they don't.

I was just surprised when she said, "You're not a girlfriend material!"

AHAH!

again, did you read my mind?

But then again, you could say that I am just putting meaning on everything... 

 -BuckNasty @ soompi

Shit! T_T;

Guys are truly different to girls. That's all.  

alexine is such a ball of emotions!

i can't figure out what i really feel. i can't even think what i am supposed to do... or think. argh. this SO sucks.

earlier this day, i suddenly woke up when my alarm rang at 10 am. i scanned my inbox if there are important messages. well, there is. besides from two greetings of good morning from my high school friends, jen asked me if i already sent her the compilation of OUR work. (jezie, eldi and i.) right, so i dared to give out names. spur of the moment, indeed!

this afternoon, i immediately replied to jen saying that i was waiting for eldi to send me her part so i could edit and send it to her. so she told me to text eldi and i did. heck. and i bitched at her. hahah! right. i b-i-t-c-h-e-d at her. because im fucking getting pissed off at her fucking excuses! well, say.. "our phone got disconnected.. is it my fault?" bitch! i don't care if it's your fault or not. (really.) well, i don't know who uses your phone so you got yours disconnected. who knows that you're chatting with a fucker until the middle of the dawn?

so she says she's at divisoria right now. well, i really didn't mean to bitch at her. but i felt like i needed to. because, she's giving me excuses. first, the disconnected (no more) phone of theirs (that came back to life this morning. as she says.) second, she's in divisoria.. and third, she sent the file to jen... ALREADY. okay, let's not put jen into this shit because she's doing her job alright. i know i'm annoying sometimes, but can't i be annoyed to another group member too? probably she's saying, 'PUTANG INANG ALEXINE TO AH! GAGO PALA TO EH! PINALALAKI PROBLEMA!' :) thank you, fucker.

anyway, if she sent the file to jen, why can't she send it to me as well? so let's say she doesn't know what my email is. HELLO. she can text me, right? i already finished my job with that cwts crap. and i don't want to get a lousy grade because i PREPARED ALOT! you hear, a lot. many. much. 많이. so i think i deserve a decent grade. and i lied to you bitch. haha. i told you it's 5pm but originally it's 6pm. why? BECAUSE YOU'RE A SLOWPOKE IN EVERYTHING!

i hope you understand me for being annoyed with you. because heck, i do have alot of stuff to be worthly annoyed at--- not like this. you know that this subject is annoying itself, why add? well like you would be able to read this anyway.  

sometimes i want to say that i like him. but then, the other half was denial and regret. was i embarrassed? i want to talk this out to someone. someone who knows me well. to the point that, if that person looked at me, she knows what i was thinking. someone that would know that the guy i like was him and not the other one. and yeah, it's just so funny. i wish i have a brain recorder and just post it up here so i could forget about it easily. whenever i tell, write, or whatever what i have in mind, i feel better. well i guess that's how blogs are to be? at least for me. i don't really mind now if anyone sees this and tells him. hahaha. i'd like it to be that way. truthfully, i feel so happy when i communicate with him. but then the time i get in touch with him, i want him away from me. then if he doesn't call or text me, i feel bad. like i'd get a bit depressed. later this day i was texting with him and his replies were short. i thought he didn't want to talk to me. was i crazy!? why am i thinking stuff like this anyway? and as far as i know, i don't have the decency and rights to be like this. it would really be better if we were bestfriends instead. i like it how he teases me everytime. it's an excuse for me to talk to him longer. i seriously do not know if he's just bored or something.. but i guess, i guess i'd find that out in the future, don't i?

plus, i just seriously want school to be over for now. it's so tiring. i would want a well deserved vacation. i've been studying so hard these past two semesters and i did well. 4.2 gpa, right? i worked my ass off. i need a fucking break.

then, i wish my sister would knock some sense in her head to help me and my mom with the chores. she's fucking one of the factors that would drive me crazy. one day, lets say if she put up with that, i'm gonna go seriously crazy. i hate giving long ass high pitched lectures, but what can i do? the thing i hate the most in this world is not being cooperative. so screw you if you think i am a bitch. because i have a fucking good reason to be bitching at you and your attitude.  

end with the sister, let's go to the little brother. gosh, that little twerp. i wish he knocks sensible child stuff on his head and stop doing annoying things. i'm seriously gonna blow up anytime soon if he doesn't know how to shut his own mouth and his acts for his own good. again, i might be the bitchiest sister in the earth, whatever. it's the spur of the moment. i always have that.

to parents; i wish you guys would knock some decent sense in your heads as parents. that's all. i know what means a lot and if someone of you guys reads this, you'd know what i am talking about.

</3 

it feels great. but im not sure anymore.

;[

i wish we were originally best friends instead! D:  

how i wish the girl is me, and....

the guy

someone likes him. 

right. laugh it out. like i care.

...you don't know how much i care!

that girl was absolutely waving over the place that she likes him. she tatters away and leaving us (another my friend) behind. and guess what? she's teasing me with our other friend. duh. malicious thoughts. ._-

i don't know. i think i got jealous.

seriously, i think him and i got some kind of non verbal connection. you know what i mean? i could see him glancing into my direction. -_- (right, be flattered, girl.) i didn't care. i didn't glance back. cause im avoiding looking at him! T_T; everytime i look at him, i feel like i want to do alot of things. =_= stupid thoughts. why is my inner self like this? i feel like Harry Potter. damn..

okay, so everytime he laughs with our friends (im obviously there) he looks at me. THAT. IS. ALWAYS. ._. i don't want to think things that he likes me back but you can't help. i kind of trust my woman instinct and i don't know. i just don't know anymore.

so last night, after we hung out again, i was thinking if i should see them again. especially him. but whatever. i will not risk ANYTHING to stop playing badminton. AHAHA. so yeah, during the ride back home i was thinking deeply and i felt sad. i don't why i felt sad, aside from the fact that i knew i was partly jealous. i felt depressed aswell. then when i came home, i knew my face looked sad. i was so tired at the same time. so i went up to the room and read Harry Potter. after some few 20 minutes, i stopped reading and fell asleep. i was so tired and i didn't even thought of the heat. (sorry, i don't have a/c. T_T) but before that. as much as i thought of not seeing him again, i texted him goodnight. i didn't get the fast reply (which i usually get...) but when i suddenly woke up, i saw 3 messages. 2 from him, 1 from aika, my classmate in cwts.

i read the message and he was asking when we would want to play again. i texted back, telling him that i'm free everyday, as long as we start after 2pm, cuz i don't think i could get back at exactly 2pm after i finish school. (blames the heavyy traffic!)

well, the last part was irrelevant but i think whenever he messages me, i just can't help myself to reply back! @.@; especially when i have load. then we text for an hour until we both drift to sleep. well, him first cuz i can't really sleep for lying in the bed for even 2 hours.

so i decided to go to sleep. i read HP again and......... at 1am, my mom forced me to go to bed. she said that i could read HP tomorrow. so i closed the book and blamed my brother because im still not sleepy. lights are closed for 10 minutes. i yawn then no sleepiness. ._.

that went for another hour and nothing happened. i couldn't sleep at all because i was thinking about.. everything. what happened yesterday, school, everything. i was too stressed out. like my inner self said, i need someone to tell everything i wanted. so here i am now. duh, im such a coward. im telling my thought to no one. like writing it here gives me responses. but anyhow, since im a coward and i don't want anyone to read this, im saying it all out here in my they-thought-deserted-tabulas account. haha. once again, just laugh that out.

and now i realized, i thought about him for so long. desperate to sleep, i still thought of it. i think i went to sleep at 2am. >_<; i think i got serious problem. i think if i didn't drift to sleep that time, probably i'd cry my eyes out and go to my mom and tell her i can't sleep! T_T; seriously, i'd do that! i hate not getting sleep when i want to! it's killing my psychological mentality! (isn't that redundant!?)

well, i hope that won't happen later. last time, that happened to me and i slept at 5am. T_T; i have to wake up at 6 and thank god i did. but i was so tired that day. that i didn't even bother to go online that long. +_+

but anyway, i got so far. haha. i seriously need to focus on my focus! @.@''

i think i'm done. i just want to rant that i like him and i am jealous. that i hope that girl won't tease me again with our friend. it's bad. it's dreadful. and im MUCH more jealous because they would go home together - ALONE. TT^TT; when they both have classes... ahh! but you know what i said?

"Oh great. it would be better. so you could come here together." bonus. with a smile.

am i a great actress?

i don't know why i am writing this. because

1. it's really personal.

2. i don't really tell everything to anyone what i feel. well, here i am.. letting all my emotions out in the public cyber space. T_Tv

we saw each other yesterday again. hung out and all that. .__. but I REALLY FELT SO..... weird? >.<; i don't know if it's just me because when i told my aunt that im going out yesterday, she asked who am i with, i told her with them (with him. i actually told her __ and the OTHERS) o_o i don't know what's wrong with me because i KEEP on talking and talking about him. *runs around in circles* then she replied to me.. ''really? (in a teasing/mocking way..) are you sure there are others?" or some sort. basically, she's implying that im meeting up with my friends because he's there. bullshit. i want to play and hung out, that's why i went out yesterday. and even before,, she's like telling me.. "do you like him?" .__. what's with people!? of course i answered, "NO." yes. with the BIG CAPITAL letters of N and O. no offense.. but.. err. i'll stop.

so we saw each other. .__. after a few minutes of public transpo.. we arrived at the center.. then.. my other friend was like throwing a mild fit because i was late! XD haha. okay, im to be blamed. >_<; i thought she was going there around 2pm so i didn't mind the time. LOL. anyway... we started playing.

rock paper scissors. i lost, girl-friend won. guy-friend won, HIM lost.

we ended to be team members. i told him, ''WE'RE SERIOUSLY GONNA LOSE!'' .__. in a joking way.. LOL. cuz even before.. we can't be together in a team. T_T; i have kinda slow reflexes and he has poor eyesight. XD haha that's not a good team, doesn't it?

then my girl-friend told me something about what if WE (me and HIM) would actually GO OUT (as in DATE; be BF/GF) in the future. .__. i was SOOOOOOOOOOOO shocked and confused. AM I THAT READABLE!? like what the fuck! is she some kinda mind reader?! o_o

but then again, i just told her "NO. are you crazy?" haha. like that. i replied like that. then, ''or are you jealous because im teamed up with him?" hahah! ;) score? i hope no one noticed that.

after a few more minutes.. we finished playing and i thought that WHAT IF that happens. .__. i don't really really know.

i don't know if he felt/feels like the way i do.

i don't know if he got over with his previous <3 life with one of my classmates in highschool (also good friends..)

i don't know if he ever knew that i liked him a LITTLE bit when we were in highschool.

i don't know if he likes a girl in his school, right now..

i don't know if he's as tough as stone or as soft as bread. (darn. my metaphors sucks arse!)

and lastly..

i don't know, if it's because there's NO guy in my school that's why im closer to my guy friends now.

whatever.

maybe it's better if i let this pass again. probably im just bored or something. like i want someone to take me out to the movies or something. treat me an icecream and be mushy with each other! XD haha im laaammeee! :borg:

butttt. i swear. i swear.

when we stopped playing, he was beside me.. inside me, I WAS HAVING A HUGE URGE TO PUT MY HEAD ON HIS SHOULDERS!

or

LEAN MY BACK ON HIS BACK!

.___.

:bigeyes::-X

now, does that mean something.....?

:boggled:

i know it's crazy that i'm thinking stuff like this~ but i just can't take it off my head and i don't have anyone to rant this kind of things.... .___.

so i can't believe it will get me hooked! :)

i hope they'll show it here later on! xD hahaha. i swear, the nurse dude is so HOT! <3 reminds me of a moffats member! ^o^; he's so cute~ plus, the cheerleading girl is soo cool. o_o i can't believe she can actually push and pull her bones without hurting! x_X 

truthfully, i was kinda grossed out on that scene but hey, to think of it.. she's a girl.. + she's brave! [; haha!

i absolutely WILL download all the episodes of this series! [; seems like this is the first american series i will watch.. without regrets~

and it turns out that they don't have weird accents! XD hahhaa. i was amazed by the indian guy! he's got good english! <3 ^^; and.. i like it how this series is GLOBAL. LOL. the guy from japan is cracking me up! xD haha teleported to the girl's restroom! hahaha! how cool is that? he's not using his powers for is money but his pleasure! xD haha you know, THAT kinda pleasure.

.____.

kakaka.

xD im so spazzing!! i really LOVE this seriess~ i guess i really have to stop watching kurosagi right now. [; and i gotta finish download all that 19 episodes! yayyy! <3 ^o^ the first episode really cliffhung me! T_T; how cruel is that?

and I CAN'T STUDY.

okay, i did last night.. but i need to review it all over again. i feel like i know it all but at the same time.. not. xD haha.

i don't know..? maybe it's really true that i slack off at the last part... OF EVERYTHING! :borg:

well.. err.. all i want to do now is to watch.. but i can't. because i keep thinking about my exams tomorrow!! T_____________T;

i think i should really open my notes again and recite everything!

*walks away* :bag: