I remember not too long ago, I purchased a bike.  I decided to get into give it a try and purchased a bike.  More than half of this decision was based on the excitement my friend shared about biking.  I just wanted to partake in a friend's hobby and that was good enough reason for me. 

Going to dinner for company though you've already eaten, trips to Bestbuy when you've got nothing to buy, I miss those days when things didn't have to make sense and it was okay. 

Maybe we're all growing up.  Maybe we've more important things to do.  No one seems to go out of their way for anyone anymore.  Everything has to make sense.  Everything has to end by 10. 

This is why I'm looking very much forward to the much acclaimed Blizzard titles.  I want to waste time, stay up late, feel like crap at work, doing something silly, things that girls wouldn't understand, with friends. 

Often, I hear people serve up fate to defend their lack of reason.  It is far too easy for someone to go 'allin' forcing the decision upon someone/something else.  From desperation, desire, want, or need, fate is used to justify and motivate ourselves.  In our first-person view of our lives, everything is determined by chance and luck.  Your deepest wants and desires, despite fate-like coincidence, is just that and nothing more.  

More often than not, it's coincidence.  You won't find destiny in such trivial matters. 

I realize that there are a lot of holes the size of NC potholes in this thought, but this is how I feel at the moment. 

on a side note, jina's been reading my old entries on xanga and tabulas.  i think she was bored and actually started from the very beginning.  after reading through, she told me that i was a 'weird child'.  hahahahaha.  i read through some and i must agree.  i think i was in a weird place where i wanted to express and speak my inner feelings but felt embarassed or afraid what people might think of them.  this resulted in odd entries that even i struggle deciphering what i really meant. 

on a random note, i'll be driving to dallas this coming tuesday and staying with jina's family for two weeks.  i shall enjoy these lazy days permitted by not having a j-o-b. 

It's been difficult trying to sell myself on a sheet of paper.  Having being laid-off at a transitional stage in my career has left me stranded and vulnerable.  I know everyone embellishes their resume in hopes of gaining that competitive edge but I have difficulty doing so due to the nature of my circumstances.  I feel that I'm in a position where I need to paint a realistic expectation for the potential employer:  "I just started and I'm not that good but, I kick but at picking up new stuff.  Hire me and give me a shot."  That seems to be the basic jist of my current job hunt scenario.  Ugh, why couldn't the economy tank a couple years later when I would've acquired a bit more experience?    

The purpose of this entry is not to cause a flood of IMs in hopes to get on this coveted list.  It's rather a sad realization that there currently are five people online on my everyday list.  Gone are the days when I can look to my buddy list and immediatly start a conversation.  Five isn't a bad number really, except for the fact that this number is probably closer to 1/2.  Though there are people online on my daily list, I probably should've moved them down to the next category quite some time ago.  I just couldn't bare the sight of an empty buddy list, where logging online nolonger has a purpose. 

As a type this, I'm at work without motivation.  I've been laid off last Friday, with a 30 day notice.  I know it sounds stupid but, it's a promise that the company made to me.  On my todo list for this week is to close up what I've been working on and make sure everything I've worked on is well documented.  Though it usually would've taken me not much time at all, I plan on using up the full workweek on this.

I haven't written or read anything but short emails and threads on forums in a long time.  My thoughts are choppy as it is transcribed into this entry.  I have trouble expressing my thoughts/self clearly.  I'm going to make more effort to read and write more. 

OK back to the topic at hand. 

Sadly for me, this buddy list of mine is a pretty accurate depiction of my relational life.  Those once close to me are nolonger and I haven't added anyone new to the list in quite some time now.  I find myself making less effort to get to know more people, let alone try and keep up with my current ones.  I've even tried to revive previously close relationships with no avail.  it seems that they've moved on and have no desire to or have already committed their time shares to their current friends and simply cannot handle any more. 

However, there is no need for pity.  I have a handful of friends that I know deeply care for me.  I'd better do what I could to hang onto these. 

(alex, ray, me)

(some empty boxes)

(upchuck.  this was pretty common)