UIOGD

mag loa na lang kaya ako...

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 01:09:26 +0000

i skipped school and decided to stay home today...because i'm sick

sick to my stomach at realizing that i may never catch up again...

i'm drowning because i never learned how to swim... never tried to learn to swim... and it's pretty hard to learn now that i'm already in the deep end...

and people around me can't save me and are actually just freakin annoyed with me... because they've paid their dues and learned to swim and are already too busy to help the hopeless...

sabi ni darlene at myra ang first impression nila sa akin, parang palaging may iniisip... sabi rin sakin un ni ate nung summer nung sabay kami umuwi...

e sa marami naman talaga ako iniisip e... yun nga lang medyo mga walang katuturan ung mga naiisip ko... ay hindi, meron namang katuturan... pero yung mga tipong bagay na "e kung gawin mo na lang kesa pagtuunan mo lang sa isip mo e wala namang nangyayari.."...

perfect nga ung nasa blog ni margie e... sabi dun worrying is like sitting on a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get anything done.

talk about the definition of my life...

i was deeply fullfilled singing with krista at sara's debut... on the sidelines lang ha.... kahit na i was pretty much tone deaf and my voice sucked... it reminded me how much i loved singing... and krista teaching me to play the guitar really felt good...

which reminded me how much i sucked again... how i give up without really even trying... how my pagkamahiyain and katamaran and thumbsucking has prevented me from progressing as a person...how these nonexistent things, things that are only in my mind, hinder me from doing the things i want to do , from reaching my dreams...

it is up to me... it has always been up to me... and now that i'm eighteen, in second year college, have old parents who i should help out instead of ask help from ... it is only up to me...

and God of course... I tried living without HIm for quite a while... maybe that's why i'm drowning...

eto darlene at myra ang palagi kong iniisip....

e kung isipin mo na lang kaya yung designs mo... onga no...

e kung isipin mo na lang kaya kung ano ang mga kailangan mong gawin... onga no...

e kung gumawa ka na ngayon... OONGa...

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 11:10:34 +0000

Naguguluhan na ako... gusto kong makatulong ... Naiintindihan at nararamdaman ko naman ang pangangailangan... Pero bakit wala ang puso ko sa pakikipaglaban...

sumali lang ba talaga ako dito dahil crush ko si atom araullo at gusto kong mabuo ang karanasan ko bilang isang taga-UP? Hindi... HIndi ako ganoon kababaw... Una pa lang ay naiintindihan ko na kung bakit kailangan baguhin ang sistema sa ating bansa... pero bakit ako pinanghihinaan ng loob?

makasarili ako... ayaw ko lang umalis dahil ayaw ko mawala ang ibang perspektibo sa mga pangyayari sa ating lipunan... matakaw lang ako sa "knowledge"... ayoko tumulong pero gusto ko lang malaman ang mga nangyayari...

gusto ko rin naman tumulong... ngunit natatakot ako... kahit na sinasabi mong wala nang panahong matakot...pinaalala sa akin na mayroon akong mga magulang, mayroon akong mga responsibilidad... sa totoo lang hindi ko naisip iyon... handa akong sumama ngunit nahihiya ako... nararamdaman kong nakikita niyo na hindi buo ang aking loob...

ito lang ba talaga ang paraan? naiinis ka na... kikilos ba ako dahil nahihiya ako kung ano ang iisipin mo tungkol sa akin?

pero bakit ako nahihiya... ipinahihiwatig ba nito na mali ang aking mga pinipiling gawin?

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 11:47:18 +0000

kausap ko ngayon si xela sa ym...

pinuntahan ko at sinulatan si Prof. Caguisano kanina, sana itext na niya ko para makahinga na ako nang maluwag... sana macomplete ko na ang philo1...

ang sarap makakuha ng mataas sa arch17 paper lalo na't pinag-isipan ko talaga iyon...

hindi masyado nakakalungkot bumagsak kapag nanood ng sine before the exam...at alam ko namang kaya ko...

haay, the power of positive thinking..

namimiss ko na ang mga high school friends ko... ang tagal ko na silang di nakikita at nakakausap...

kahit nga college friends at roommates ko bihira ko na makausap at makabonding...

si uzi palagi ko nang nakakabonding...

sana makahanap kami ng archives ng csrc...

mahal ko na ang arki at unti-unti na rin niya kong minamahal...

i blame ate

Wed, 5 Jul 2006 12:11:02 +0000

ang tagal ko nang nd nagbblog... nagdecide kasi ako na bumalik sa old school na paraan ng pag chronicle ng life ko... well, ang tagal ko na ring nd nakakasulat sa diary ko...

one of the reasons i decided to go back to writing on actual paper was because i got scared of what people (read: my uncle) may learn about me just from reading the "about me" part in friendster, not to mention this blog... ate ko na naman nanakot sa kin.

my gosh, when will i learn that anything my sister says hinders my creativity... i lrealized this while watching anc one evening kc obligasyon ko maging maalam sa kalagayan ng mundo... but instead of news a talk show was on... It was about alternative pre-schools and they were talking about one called Waldorf...

yes, waldorf... obviously for the rich... At first i was turned off by it because i was (and i guess, still am) in a phase where i resent the rich... you see, i've recently been exposed to the injustices of capitalism ... nothing personal to the rich, though...

anyway, i liked their ideas on education... as waldorf's head put it, kid's have magic... nobody really teaches a child to walk or talk but still, they manage to learn those skills...

according to her, kids in waldorf aren't treated like students... they don't impose rules on learning, they let kids be... their activities include observing plants and letting them draw them and explore on their own... wow, just like real scientists! and they let the kids write and illustrate their own stories... again, wow...

i know i know, ...we also did that in grade school, drawing plants and writing stories, but somehow grades sucked the fun out of that experience...The love of discovery wasn't there... No magic...

i realized that i lacked this love of learning and fearlessness of creativity, and as an arki student i really needed these skills... i used to blame our lack of money for lessons for my lack of "talents"...Now I know i can blame my ate for it (ok, part of the blame falls on my gullible tendencies).

i had all the chances to be creative when i was a child... my family supplied me with more than enough materials and even my surroundings were very conducive for creativity... i grew up in a place where there were trees everywhere and many more animals than people for god's sake!

it really is just my ate... probably not, maybe it's just me... but it's a lot more interesting to blame somebody... my ate never used her crayons, she always wanted her stuff to look brand new... and since she was my idol i, too, tried to maintain stuff (that wasn't supposed to be in mint condition) in mint condition...

I mean c'mon... i had to ask for permission from her before i could color a picture one of my coloring books... I could, according to her, only color a max of one picture per day... add in her perfectionist tendencies where you could only draw perfect carbon copies of sailor moon or not draw at all (which also goes for singing and dancing, not perfect? don't do it)...no wonder we weren't little artists...

buti na lang tinawag ang puso ko ng arki...

"education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self confidence." Robert Frost

Oust Gloria 2

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 05:23:45 +0000

when i wrote my first "Oust Gloria" post, I never thought that several months from then my views would totally change...

joining a socially conscious org really helps making my world a whole lot bigger and scarier yet at the same time inspiring me to make a difference...

plus, on a lighter note... the org gives me a chance to see (and even sorta meet) him", ( the guy i was mad at in the first post..)

life lessons so far...

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 05:13:02 +0000

1. quality over quantity but quantity's important too
2. i need to trust my inner voice - i've noticed lately that it's right all the time, i just don't listen to it.
3. screwing up your life isn't that bad if you stop screwing it up the moment you realize you're a loser.
4. you do need God.. all the time
5. give love, take love
6. art takes a long time to create if you want it to be good
7. hardwork is a fact of life
8. attend classes
9. attend classes
10. attend classes
11. sleeping is for rest, not avoiding problems
12. attend classes
13. college is not an excuse for anything
14. mistakes happen... move on

truth

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 09:36:16 +0000

I hate liars...i just do.

i think lying's pointless and only kids do it. remember when we were in grade school and everybody lied?

alam mo ba kung ilan bahay namin? Sampu! Tatlo sa pilipinas, isa sa california, isa sa disneyland, isa sa....

alam mo ba princess ako ng Norway! May swimming pool nga kami eh...

alam mo ba may pet squirrel ako, parang ung kay princess sara...

the thing is, i think i'm turning into one and i'm starting to really hate myself. seriously.
i lied that time my english 10 prof asked me about my course and why i'm interested in it. arrgh. i cringe just thinking about it.
then there was my org interview.*goosebumps*what is wrong with me? It's as if i just tell people what they want to hear. i just sound off their opinions and tell the truth in the way they like to hear it. I feel so dirty.
i guess the reason i'm so affected is because i pride myself on my honesty. I know, what?! those who's gonna read this probably do not know me as someone who's fearless in telling the bare honest, nasty truth. yeah, i'm not frank and i'm not straight to the point. i've been told that i use way too much euphemisms. okay, now i'm lost. what was my point, again?
you see, i've made major changes. I've decided several months ago that honesty is it. i've put honesty way on top of my values list. i actually convinced my parents to allow me to stay overnight in Laguna by telling them that I am the most honest daughter they have. and i really am. it also has something to do with me being more or less incapable of keeping a secret, but hey, that's honesty.
i will not allow myself to turn into a liar. i will not, i will not, i will not.
i will not allow myself to turn into the kind of person who needs to lie because the truth about them isn't good enough. I will not, i will not, i will not!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've experienced my first...

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 12:37:16 +0000

...lantern parade
arki won all the awards...i'd like to think i helped, but no, i didn't

...interview
i got to wear my grad heels...that was the highlight...it wasn't fun but it wasn't horrible...i didn't cry... what can i say, manhid ako...i spent half the time staring at the walls hoping words would come out of my mouth without the thoughts to guide them.

...model-making
long story short, we sucked...pero itaga mo sa bato, i will not always suck- gagaling din ako!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...final rites
it wasn't the right time of the month (wink, wink) so i wasn't in the game na game mood...i still loved every moment of it, though...i have no idea why...member na ko ng tfa sa wakas!!!!

...oblation run
woooooooooooooooooh!hehe...balikat lang nakita ko...we got stuck in the back coz we weren't brave enough to let people see how excited we really actually were.

...KISS!!!!!!
yeah right...

hidden desire

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 09:27:49 +0000

so, long story short, i'm enrolled.

My Stalker Dream

I dreamt I had a stalker. The weird part is that my stalker isn't the guy I have a crush on, but his friend. hd yata ako.

nasa as waiting shed ako kasama si ate at mommy tapos sumakay kaming jeep na papuntang philcoa (ibig sabihin pauwi na kami). napansin ko na sumakay din siya sa jeep. nagtaka ako kung bakit sumakay din siya, e may kotse naman siya. nung nasa philcoa na kami, sumakay naman kami sa jeep na biyaheng montalban. napansin ko ulit na sumakay din siya sa sinakyan namin. kadalasan kaming umuupo sa likod ng drayber, umupo siya sa tabi ng pinto. sa puntong yon, sigurado ko na na sinusundan niya ako. natuwa naman ako secretly. hindi ko sinabi sa mga kasama ko na may sumusunod sa akin.
bumaba na kami sa tapat ng aming bahay. bumaba rin siya pero naiwan siya sa labas ng aming bahay. makalipas ang mga sampung minuto, sinabi ko na sa ate ko na nasa labas si ... dahil sinundan niya ako pauwi. nagulat ako na sabi ng ate ko na siya na lang ang tatawag sa kanya para pumasok sa bahay namin.
matapos kong ipakilala si ... sa aking pamilya, napagdesisyunan na sa amin na lang siya matutulog dahil gabing-gabi na. dapat ay maliligo na siya pero itinabi lamang niya ang kanyang sapatos at biglang naglinis ng aming banyo. hinayaan ko lang siyang maglinis at naisip ko na oc nga talaga siya.
may tao sa pinto. nalaman kong pinsan pala niya ang mga ito. naisip ko na baka tumawag siya sa mga ito para magpasundo noong naiwan siya sa labas ng bahay. Nainis ako sa pinsan niya dahil parang nilalait niya ang bahay namin kaya noong tinawag ko si ... ay tinanong niya sa akin kung ano ang problema ko. sinabi ko sa kanya na nainis ako sa pinsan niya. sinabihan niya ako na huwag ko na lamang pansinin ang pinsan niya dahil materialistic talaga iyon. Na-touch naman ako dun.
*wakas*

ten thousand spoons

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 08:42:20 +0000

Life is beating me up...throwing rotten vegetables at me, using my face for target practice, pummeling me with a ten kiloton club, driving over my body using a monster truck with spiked monster wheels again and again and again and again....And my innate lack of strength, courage, bravery or quite possibly common sense makes me ask for more.
Stupid: Is that all you've got, huh, life?! C'mon, why don't you try harder?
Life: (calls for 100 more monster trucks with extra monstrous spiked monster wheels)

Reasons why I am irony personified

1. The first time i get a major crush on a real person (meaning person i have actually seen in real life), the next day he gets a girlfriend.

2. I surprisingly get great grades, good enough to be a US ( a US! I wasn't even expecting to be a CS!), just one problem, I got an INC from my Philo1 prof. i never got around taking my midterm successfully. i already took the test twice (figuratively and literally, you'll see...maybe not, it doesn't matter...past blog) but my prof was too nice to fail me and i was too lazy to actually learn FDL. So: no US, no CS, no personal invites from the college president for a semi-formal dinner at her home.

3. I have accompanied two friends for their pre-advising but i have never even seen my own adviser. Now, i can't enroll. it turns out my adviser is on leave and there's an assigned replacement adviser. Thanks to my abnormally slow brain I only get that there is an assigned replacement adviser after he has already left the planet and will only be coming back after ten years. He spent three days helping my fellow unfortunate souls while i sat at home watching tv and stuffing my face. he also spent another whole morning also helping students (only this time he was already annoyed at the students for waiting until the last minute) while I was running around campus with very nice friends trying to find my vacationing adviser.
Now, I'm being called stupid or a liar or a stupid liar because "it is impossible not to know that there's a replacement adviser since it was posted on walls, doors, and boards. Yes, I saw those notices. No, I will not try to explain why I, after seeing these signs, still had no idea that those damn replacement advisers exist. I already tried explaining once and that ended in me bursting in tears.
What can I say I'm a fat, lazy, slow-brained crybaby. You better watch out world! I'm gonna pass through you imperceptibly while the fit, hardworking, intelligent, strong people conquer all the richness you have to offer.