ramblings...

twenty five

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 10:39:56 +0000

dated: march 19, 2009

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25 flowers bloomed,

25 wishes came true...

but mine...

25 days without you...

day 143

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 10:37:35 +0000

free... happy...

moving forward....

im keeping this untitled...

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:08:25 +0000

if i decided to cross the bridge... etoh ang sasabihin ko sayo... everything was planned... the setting was at a restaurant... dinner with friends... days before i will go to manila for my summer class...
then we would steal a moment away from the barkada... sa labas nung restaurant...

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hindi ko sasabihin ito para magpagulo ng isip mo... hindi ko sasabihin ito para magpapansin sayo... at higit sa lahat, hindi ko sasabihin ito para saktan ka...

gusto kong sabihin sayo ito dahil gusto ko nang magpatuloy... ipagpatuloy ang buhay ko... ang kaligayahan ko... ayoko nang nakikita akong nasasaktan... hindi ko na kaya...

hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko tuwing nakikita at nararamdaman ko ito... hindi na tama na ganito pa ang maramdaman ko... alam kong huli na ang lahat para sabihin sayo ito...

ni minsan ba nahalata o nakita mo?... ni minsan naramdaman mo rin ba na pwede pang mashigit sa pagkakaibigan ang ating relasyon?... ni minsan ba?... kahit sandali lang?...

"sana ako na lang ang mahalin mo..." oo, sana tayo na lang... tinotoo na sana natin ang ating pagkukunwari... ang ating laro...

everything was anticipated, un ang lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko dahil totoo naman... nakita ko na ito noon pa... sabi ko sa sarili ko noon na hindi ako pwedeng mahulog sayo... hindi ako mahuhulog sayo dahil nakita ko kung paano ang reaksyon mo sa mga babaeng nahuhulog sayo... hindi ko napigilan... unti-unti mo akong hinihila... hanggang sa tuluyang nahulog na ako... but you were never there to catch me... nabagok ang ulo ko sa pagkakahulog na iyon... isang katotohanan na matagal ko nang nakita... walang chance na magiging tayo kahit na naghangad ako ng malaking pag-asa...

it was hurtful knowing from you the fact na kapag nagtapat sayo ang isang friend e hindi mo tatanggapin... na you would rather save the friendship...

sa tingin mo, kung sinabi ko sayo ito noon pa, may pag-asa?...

i did try to let go... marami ng beses... but it just keeps coming back... siguro kasi hindi ko pa talaga nasasabi sayo ng tuluyan at hindi ako mapalagay kung sa anu man ang magiging reaksyon mo at sasabihin mo... kung katulad din ba sa iba?...

-sigh- ayoko na... tama na... masyado na akong nasaktan... don't feel sorry for me, it was my fault anyway... kagagawan ko ito sa sarili ko... gusto ko lang ngayon na malaman mo ang nararamdaman ko sayo... at this moment, i'm trying to move forward with my love... salamat... maraming salamat at dumating ka... sorry kasi you have to feel this way... huwag ka mag-alala, ayos na ako... pinaghandaan ko na ito...

sana after this, our relationship will still be the same... walang magbabago... you'll still be the same raul and i'll still be the eych na nakilala mo... the same friendship that you always showed to me... and now, since it's said and done, let's just pretend that nothing happened here tonight... pagharap ulit natin sa ating mga kaibigan e normal pa rin, balik sa dati... let's just forget that we had this conversation...

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kung nabasa mo man ito... it's either you'll hate me and stay away from me or you'll just forget and pretend nothing happened... but i'll go for forgetting this happened... sana kapag nagkita tayo after you read this ay normal pa rin... walang pagbabago... ganun pa rin ung relationship natin... ok?...

at kung nabasa mo man ito, i want to hear your side... ung reaksyon mo... ung mga sasabihin mo... it does matter...

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i am brave enough to mention your name here na dapat matagal ko ng ginawa... kasi naman handa na nga ako para sabihin at ipagtapat sayo e... one-on-one pa nga dapat yan e... harapan... pero hindi ko na kaya dahil alam kong may nagmamay-ari na ng puso mo at masaya ka na... it would be too hard for me to just let go...

THANK YOU... BECAUSE FINALLY, I'M FREE FROM YOU... FOR REAL!...

pot of gold

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 14:07:46 +0000

when i first heard this song... it really caught me... with the video pa...

i cant find an original video e... the song is really nice... :-(

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Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Ohhh yeah, dada, dodo, dada, dodo, dada, dodo, Akon

Life come and go
So let the history be too
We're all out here
Hustlin' to make our way
And while you're stumblin' and fallin' (stumblin' and fallin')
Why don't you pick yourself up now (pick yourself up now)
You see we all out here
Working day by day

So tell me
How can we work it out
On that day when its time to share the gold at the end of the rainbow
How can we work it out
When good and evil be
The day you kiss this fate
Cause it will soon come

You soon lose track of which way is up when your always being put down (being put down)
You gotta be strong and do what you feel in your heart
Regardless of who's around (regardless of who's around)
I know it might seem bold
But thats all we have (all we have)
Many centuries and we're steady gettin old
But you know to what we never had

Sooo
How can we work it out
On that day when its time to share the gold at the end of the rainbow
(how can we) How can we work it out (how can we)
When good and evil be
The day you kiss this fate
Cause it will soon come

How can we work it out
On that day when its time to share the gold at the end of the rainbow (share the gold)
How can we work it out
When good and evil be
The day you kiss this fate
Cause it will soon come

How can we work it out (dada)
Dodo (how can we work it out)
How can we work it out (dada)
Dodo ohhhh (dada)
How can we work it out (dodo)
Da da How can we work it out (dodo)
(everybody sing along with me)

How can we work it out
On that day when its time to share the gold at the end of the rainbow (that pot of gold)
How can we work it out
When good and evil be
The day you kiss this fate
Cause it will soon come (yeah)

How can we work it out
On that day when its time to share the gold at the end of the rainbow (that pot of gold)
How can we work it out
When good and evil be
The day you kiss this fate
Cause it will soon come (soon come)

How can we work it out (work it out, work it out, work it out...)

having second thoughts....

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 13:30:56 +0000

"kung hindi ngayon, kailan?..."

handa ako sa maaaring reaksyon mo at kung ano ang mangyayari sa ating ralasyon...

tatanggapin ko...

kahit masakit...

hindi ko alam...

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:22:15 +0000

...kung nagpapapansin ka...

o nangungulit ka lang...

ang misteryosong baril

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 15:35:14 +0000

     Sinindihan niya ang huling stick ng yosi niya.

     "Shet, ubos na ung isang pack! Ang bilis naman!"

     Hindi na niya napansin ang bilis ng oras.
     Alas-otso bente-otso siya nagsimula at alas-diyes pa lamang.

     "Isang pack ng sigarilyo at anim na bote ng beer!... hayup ka!!"

     Nakakalat ang mga upos ng sigarilyo sa tiled floor ng kanyang kwarto. Ang init ng singaw ng kanyang katawan ay nakulob na sa loob kasama ng amoy ng kanyang pawis ay ang amoy ng usok mula sa mga sigarilyo na kanyang hinithit nang hinithit at ang amoy ng serbesa na kanyang nilaklak nang nilaklak.
     Tumunog ang kanyang cellphone na nakapatong sa mesa sa harapan niya.

     "Krabs Calling", patuloy na nagvavibrate habang nagriring.

     Pagkaraan ng ilang minuto ay tumigil, "28 missed calls".

     Tumayo siya mula sa pagkaka-upo sa sahig at naglakad habang gumegewang-gewang papunta sa kanyang study table. Naka-on pa ang kanyang computer. Tinitigan niya ang litrato na nagsisilbing wallpaper ng kanyang desktop. Nagring muli ang kanyang cellphone. Binuksan niya ang side drawer ng kanyang study table at kinuha ang cutter na madalas niyang gamitin na pamputol ng mga litrato para sa kanyang mga proyekto. Pagkakuha niya ay bumalik na siya sa kanyang pagkaka-upo habang ang kanyang cellphone ay nagriring pa rin...

     "Baby Calling"

     Hinayaan niya itong magring nang magring.

     "True" ng Spandeau Ballet ang kanyang ringtone. Iyon din ang nagsilbing theme song nila ni Hannah.
     Naalala niya ang unang araw na nakilala niya si Hannah. Kasabay nito ay pinadaan niya ng minsan ang talim ng cutter sa kanyang pulso. Nagriring pa rin ang kanyang cellphone.

     "Answer"... pero hindi niya nilagay sa kanyang tenga ang kanyang telepono. Hinayaan niya itong nakapatong sa mga litrato nila ni Hannah na nabasa na ng beer at may mga paso na ng sigarilyo...

     "Lance!", sigaw ng boses sa telepono. Rinig na rinig ang boses sa buong kwarto dahil sa katahimikan sa kanyang paligid.

     "Lance, baby! Please magsalita ka! Lance pleeease! Kausapin mo ako!" umiiyak na nagsasalita ang boses na nasa telepono.

     "Nandtio pa kami! Kausapin mo kami! Please! Lance!", humagulgol na ang boses.

     BANG!

     Isang malakas na putok ang umalingawngaw sa kwarto.
     Napatigil ang boses sa telepono dahil sa gulat.

     "Laaaaance!" ang tangi niyang nasabi habang humahagulgol ng iyak.

part VII

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 15:11:42 +0000

ang weird naman... gusto ko sundan ng part7 ung part6 na entry ko... pero walang pumapasok sa isip ko na gusro kong sabihin sayo... seriously...

these past few days e sinabi ko na sa sarili ko na tama na ang lahat... this is my second time of letting you go... and this time, nagagawa ko na siya... siguro kaya wala na ring pumapasok sa isip ko na gusro kong ilagay na pang part7...

kahit hindi ganun kadiretso ung mga sagot na kailangan ko, naibigay mo na siya... nakuha ko na ung point... nasagot na rin un mga katanungan ko... ung mga gumugulo sa isip ko... and i thank you for that... siguro kapag nagpasalamat ako sayo ng harapan e magtataka kung bakit... (sige, kapag nagkita tayo, magthathank you ako sayo... ng harapan :-) )...

wala na... wala na akong masabi pa... let's just be both happy for each other...

waiting shed

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:27:00 +0000

12:25pm

she lighted her cigarette...

a puff...

as she waited for her favorite music to be played on the same radio station that she listens everyday...

a puff...

she sits alone in the waiting shed...

waiting for something...

puff...

her music has not been played yet...

puff...

a white butterfly crossed her sight...

she stared at the butterfly playing around the grasses...

puff...

the taste of the smoke rushed through her throat...

she felt it... it's been a year since her last puff...

12:30pm...

she made a missed call...

puff...

she continuously puffed her cigarette...

last puff...

she's been longing for a cigarette...

she sat there for a while...

12:33

she walked down the road...

and felt high... a feeling she haven't felt for a long time...

the taste of the cigarette's smoke...

it was great... it was freeing...

crossing...

she didn't even bother to look behind her...

12:35

she walked...

steadily on a straight line...

her craving was satisfied...

"tomorrow again"... she thought...

four twenty

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:02:49 +0000

january 6,2009

3:04 pm

she thought of buying a stick of cigarette...

just a stick to ease the pain... at least...

four hours and twenty minutes before...

twenty seconds of tears... nothing more...

it's over, she told herself...

3:04 pm

she forgot her lighter...

four hours and twenty minutes after...

it's all over...