fearful, yet I manage to awaken courage from time to time.

sad..... anxious, indecisive, fickle minded...

pain grows in my heart!

holding back, rational....

worried, paranoid, sleepless, restless..

I desperatley need refuge......

where do I find it?..... clueless

I'm thinking about things.. well I've been thinking about

a whole lot of things.

confident yet so insecure!

I'm out of control...

vulnerable.... reclusive

selfish yet so generous.

carefree....

am I drifting away?..... I'll let go.

hush,........ everything's going to be alright

             Uhmm, cguro those days and weeks when I noticed sparks flying in the air… and butterflies filling my tummy…hihi                                   

3) What was your least favorite moment of the
year?
~~ when I felt so bored and so down with my job, that I don’t want to go to work anymore… I even decided to tender my resignation then.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
~~  at home with my family, of course!… or nagmukmok ata ako s kwarto at inevaluate ang buhay ko.. haaayy!

5) Who were you with?
~~ famiLy

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
~~ it’s the first time that I’m not gonna be spending the  new year with my family….  My work shift’s 9 pm… I’m gonna be missing a lot!… (sobs!)

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
~~ with my officemates…

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of
2005?
~~ I kept them! Literally…. hehe

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
~~ I’ve a lot!…. just dunno how to start… I’ll just pray that God would help me.

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
~~ I don’t think so!..  infatuation cornered me, but love? NO!

11) If yes, with whom?
~~ N/A

12) If yes, do they know?~~ N/A

13) Are you still in love with them?
~~ N/A

14) Do you regret it?
~~  regret what?… If ever I’ve fallen for somebody, I won’t regret it. It’s part of God’s plan. What’s sad about me is that I’ll be more careful and guarded with pursuing the next. I’ll try to change that attitude of mine.

I think finding your true love is really trial and error. Lucky are those who’re able to find the pair of their slippers in a blink of an eye. Many people never find each other. Now that’s really sad.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
~~ nope!

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
~~ loads of ‘em!

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
~~ Bing and Fourth

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
~~ February, August, October, November, December!

19) Did you travel outside of the philippines in
2005?
~~ nope, how I wish I could’ve! Nka-timbre ako s NBI….hehe

20) How many different places did you travel to in
2005?
~~ can’t say their different… pero cguro dalwa!

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
~~ thank God I didn’t!….
pero cguro yung tipong communication-wise…..ahmm some of my friends drifted away…. I miss you Franz, Grace, Ate She, Ate Rose, Jo!

~~ Exorcism of Emily Rose….hahaha, tanong mo p kay Hector!….hehe

      ahmmm.. yung “My Best Friends Wedding”, khet old movie n sya… naiyak ako!..

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
~~  Fix you by Coldplay….. Missing by Evanescence

25) What was your favorite record from 2005?
~~ Barbie the Singles

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
~~ nakow, even if I wanted to watch one, I didn’t have the luxury of time…

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
~~ wLa nga!

28) Did you drink alcohol in 2005?
~~ yes.. my whole life nun lang ako nka-inom ng Vodka..hehe pilit p yun!..

29) Did you do drugs in 2005?
~~ nope! and i never wiLL!…. I guess…. yikes

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
~~ hahhahha…. 4?… ay 5 pla….. Mao, Willie, Bing, Weena, Lei….ay 7 pla… c Aris p at Cartney….hehehe

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this
year?
~~ yup.. ang mki-pg EB… I’m not used to doing that….haha, pero it was a great experience ‘coz I’ve met such a really good and brilliant person.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in
2005?
~~ no idea?!

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
~~  nakow… I think so…. I really am  sorry for doing so.. =(

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
~~ yup… mrami cla.. pro okay lng, they don’t know me… I don’t know them either.. Blast them all!..hehhe

36) How much money did you spend in2005?
~~  dami cguro….

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
~~ when I became one of the top agents, I suppose… Pero ewan ko b… nwala yung motivation ko and gusto!

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of
2005?
~~ hay naku, yung pictures nmen s blue palm pg nakita nyo…. Hehe

Tapos nung muntik n ko madapa pglabas ko ng washroom kase natalisod ako and napa-hiyaw ako ng malakas rinig s buong floor…

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of
2005 and change something, what would it be?
~~ cguro yung time when Kirby was still trying or starting to befriend me… naiilang kase ako s kanya ngeon eh… I should’ve given him the same treatment I gave with my other guy friends tulad ni Fourth, Nem, Aris… bsta.. yun tropa-tropa tlaga… hay hirap explain

40) What are your plans for 2006?

~~ to seek ways on how can I serve God through church.
~~  to resign from my Call Center job

~~  pursue my teaching career

~~  to find ways on how can I develop my skills more.

~~ to become a better person, friend, daughter, sister, cousin, student, employee, etc.

~~ to cut down on my spending 

~~  just to be ready if in case God will drop that special someone right at my doorstep..hehe

~~  just to start pursuing my dreams..

I remember praying one night and asking God to take away the so-called "infatuation" or feelings that I'm quite having lately, for a couple of guys, if they're not from Him.

And yes, I just woke up one day not having to bear with those pent-up emotions anymore. I never thought God could do wonders that quickly.

Kirby and I went out on a date (yes, a date - if that's what you call it), last December 9. We watched a comic movie, t'was funny. Talked about some stuff we did for that day. We walked in the rain. He's a true gentleman, I could say.

Upon going home at around 10-nish in the evening, I took a short nap and then Hector texted me asking if we could talk on the phone, and so we did.

Hector sounded wasted, as if he drank some intoxicating spirits that night. Well that was his normal voice.. A sensible guy who occassionally bets on lottery...  (laughs!) He's a man full of dreams and aspirations, ready to face the world with all it's challenges.

He made me listen to some sound/musical clips. I think we jive quite a little because of our converging interests.

I thank God I've met these two. But I don't think I'm considering having a romantic relationship with either of them. I'm just not ready. I'm content with being single as of the moment.

No responsibilities! No obligations! No quarrels with the person to whom you're supposed to build love with. No Commitments!

I know God will give me that longing to paint the town red, come the right time with the right person!

Crazy isn't it! For me, it's more of irony. Last Christmas, I consumed much of my time asking God why nobody's courting me or why nobody seems to be noticing me. Why did everyone seem to have someone by their side, while I could think of myself becoming an old maid for the rest of my days.

Now that God is sending quite a few men to knock on my door, I'm keeping my doors closed. I could even think of myself locking them up!. Ironic. So Ironic!

I just hope this won't take forever. I am putting my trust unto God that He will give me the ability to discern when the right knight comes!

I'm keeping my faith that God is still preparing and wrapping that one special gift that I will treasure for the rest of my life!

6 pm.......... 6:30

McDo.......... National Bookstore

Goblet of Fire .................. Exorcism of Emily ROse

CD.... chocolate...... water........... Antipolo...... pink overpass.....

red blouse....... blue shirt........... brown cap

UP Frat....... graduation....... engineer......... teacher..........

Fourth...... constituent........... music......... jeepney...... project.......

Php 500,000...... .text....... gratitude......... hands....... smiles........

glances........ goodbyes

nababagabag.

Di maisip kung san ibabaling ang mga nararamdamang di na ata tatagos sa mapagpanggap kong balat.

HECTOR. Bakit ba hindi tayo pinagtatagpo ng tadhana?. Hadlang kaya sya sa matagal na nating planong makamit ang ligaya?....sino ka kayang talaga?.... Kelan kaya masisilayan ang maamo mong mukha't mapupulang mga labi?... 'yun ay ayon lamang naman sa kaibigan mong si Renato.... hahaha... baka pag nakita mo ako'y magtatakbo k?.... sus maryosep! wag naman sana!

JAMBO. At totoo nga bang mula Mindanao ay luluwas ka pa ng Maynila para lamang singilin ako sa pagkakautang na wala naman akong kamalay-malay na utang ko pala?.... abay, patawarin ka!... Sa pagkaka-unawa ko'y 'di iniuutang yun......  patawad, pero iaalay ko lang ang bagay na yun s binatang bibihag ng aking puso... hahaha 

KIRBY. Binabagabag ako ng aking kunsensya. Salbahi daw ako  sabi ni Franz. Bakit ka ba kasi nangiliti kanina? Napaalis tuloy kita ng di sinasadya mula sa aking tabi. Masama bang tanungin ka kung may problema ka ba?.. uhmmm.... belat!

FOURTH. Isa ka pa! Di ako kagandahan, pero nasasagap ng aking radar kung may ibig sabihin ang mga tingin mo sa 'kin. Pa-kyut pa ang iyong mga ngiti. Ilang ulit mo na ba akong sinabihan ng "ba't ang ganda mo ngayon?", ano bang ibig mong ipahiwatig? ...... jowk, jowk, jowk!!! 

Sina Jayson Jackson , Bingo , Denise Padilla , at ang bushwackers n sila Bilog at Maila. 

Ang kawawang si Bilog, isang-dekada muna ang hinintay bago inihatid ang order nya. Kung makikita mo lang ang hitsura nya, akala mo'y may babanatang adik s kanto.

Dahil siguro s gutom eh umandar ang pag-ka-klepto ng lima. Tama ba namang pag-diskitahan at umitin yung mga numero s Jollibee. Akala pa nila hahabulin sila kaya hayun, ang mga UNGAS, nagtatakbo palabas.

Nadapa tuloy ung IsA!.. .... si Bilog yun!....hahaha.... pero scripted yung pagka-dapa nya kase nakatayo agad.... parang yung ginagawa nya s wrestling.......haha....grabe, di bale nang madapa makakuha lang nung kulay pulang- ano bang tawag dun?..bsta!..haha.. ang bilis ng karma!

Solitude, that is.

With it, I found wisdom..............

Peace.

It somehow restored my depleting sanity.

Lately, Ive been thinking about "love".  

Yes, I do have all the time in the world to love my parents, my bro, my friends, as well as my little cousins.... but that's not what I meant.

I'm talking about the "romantic" kind. The possibility of finding and pursuing it with a present acquaintance.

I am praying for him, actually. But then this morning, I came to realize that I'm really not sure if I'm praying for the right person. He's sweet and thoughtful. He has a certain air of cuteness that reminds me of hamsters or "Hamtaro" to say the least (laughs!).

There's just NO spark! No butterflies  No fireworks everytime our parallel universe collides. Whenever he's beside me, there's a slight feeling of discomfort. But electricity- NONE. Not even a tinee-bit. Well, whatever!...I just don't know. I'm no expert when it comes to this.

I don't know if I'm gonna let him go without even trying.

It just scares me thinking that I'll regret my decision, come future time.

But I've proven that "indecision" pains my heart all the more. 

I'm feeling guilty. Guilty because in my heart, I know that I'm assuming things. He's not even courting me, so why-d-heck am I feeling this way (sobs!) . (Juvicel! Grow Up!)

I want to know his true motives and intentions.

I wanna know the real person and the true soul inside that masked physique.

Probably I'll appreciate it more if we could become friends. So as we can always support, comfort and take care of each other. Or, simply just be there for each other.

A love so unconditional that a friend can offer is far greater than a fleeting affection.................... well, that's my point of view.

But if fate wouldn't allow any of the two, and if it would be time for me to leave, then I guess he'll just transform into a memory. A memory of the place where i once had been.