i like to believe that, until recently, i have generally been a good daughter. i went to school and tried to get good grades because that's what good daughters do. i never smoked because my father said that as long as i'm living off of him, a cigarette shall not touch my mouth, and following your father's rule is what good daughters do. i never did drugs and only started drinking after i turned 18 because that's what good daughters do. i never indulged in "risky associations" with boys when i was in high school and i never got pregnant because that's what good daughters do. i always try to get home at a decent hour and text my parents when i know that i will be out late and as much as possible, i always inform them where i'm going or where i am and who are the people i'm with and i always try to do whatever the hell they tell me to do.

because that's what good daughters do.

an anecdote: it was the night after christmas day (or new year's eve) and i was having a drinking session with my cousins and my brother. a couple of hours later, my mother told me to go home. my brother said, "o tawag ka na. babasahan ka na ng fairy tale." it was, of course, a reference to my ridiculously obedient image. and i resent that comment. my stupid brother doesn't understand that the only reason why i always follow our parents' wishes is because i don't want to fight with them. my confrontation issues won't allow me to.

and because (say it with me if you want to) that's what good daughters do.

so now, after 22 years of being the good daughter, after 22 years of doing almost everything that good daughters should do, i finally did something "bad". i finally told them that, after five and a half years in architecture, i am going to shift to theater arts. and my father (because he rocks) understood. my mother on the other hand...

let's just say that we're in the middle of our own version of the cold war. she doesn't speak to me except to sneer at me. and she also does this very blatantly. for example, she would tell my brother that dinner is ready in her normal, motherly voice  ("o, kain ka na.") and then she would shout at me to go ahead and eat (as in "KUMAIN KA NA DUN!"). or she would not tell me at all and just ask someone else to relay her message.

i don't mind this that much. it's actually kind of okay because i can now read or watch tv without her interrupting me. what i mind though was her reaction when i told them my news. she said:

"buti sana kung nabuntis ka o mag-aasawa ka na kaya ayaw mo na pero hindi e. ano yun? bigla ka na lang nawalan ng interes? hindi ko maintindihan e."

what the fuck.

what the fucking fucking fuck.

i've been a good daughter to her all my life and the one time i did something she doesn't agree with, she treats me like crap. meanwhile, she treats my brother, oh my holy never-do-anything-wrong brother, whom she had to argue with every god-given morning just to get him to go to school, who had been sent to the principal's office for climbing over his high school's walls and cutting classes, who smokes like there's no tomorrow and drinks like a relapsing alcoholic, who refused to go to a certain university because of its crappy facilities and then after three years dropped out of college entirely, MY BROTHER WHO GOT HIS FUCKING GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT, as if he's a hero just because he's now working hard to support his baby.

i know life is unfair. but i wish someone, anyone, would explain that irony of all ironies to me.

 

***

there's no such thing as first come, first serve in this. so i'm not even bothered. just a question: do you understand the reality of this for me? do you get the fact that i am DEAD serious about this? do you comprehend that THIS IS IT for me, that it's all or nothing? because i don't think you do. because if you did, you wouldn't have said what you said.

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ekang, why so serious? hahahahaha.