I have to be tired. I should give up. I finally have to admit to myself that I lost you and all efforts made to bring you back will end up futile. You find me unbearable like that, almost loathing. Life is unfair. Dealing with this reality is the tough job I have to start working on. I am not a mind reader. Not even a deep thinker, or deep in words when I talk. But I know that every shallow word comes from the heart. And need not to be high faluting to be true, to sound good, or for you to love to hear it. Because words are just words. You smile when you hear them spoken, or get butterflies when you read what's written. But actions serves as confirmation. The action is what engraves itself to your heart so deeply, you long for it, you find it, and sometimes you do all you can to make it happen. It never did, it never will. So stop, believing, even lingering on words that are never meant. He is a liar, how could you believe even on a vowel that comes out of his mouth. Yes true, you are never the kind of person who kills, or who slaps a man who hurt you, or pull an involved party's hair. You know you want to forgive, and eventually you will act on it. Life is too short and death certain. So stop holding the pain, let go and be free. Be happy for the people around you, admire the beauty of people as they are admired by others. Be free. Let go. And finally be happy. One way or another, even if when you act tough and want to rebel against the world, happiness will find you. You cannot escape from it. God is good in that way. If you are to believe on words alone. Believe in God's word. It'll all be worth it.

I wanted to forward my life's track and get to the best part: recovery. But I don't think I will ever feel the victory of that moment, if I don't feel what I feel now. Recognize what you're going through. But stop lingering. Stop saying what's not necessary. Even if you're sorry with things you say. Words are so strong, it can pierce a person's ego, soul and heart. Let it go Chike. Time to move forward without looking back. It'll be a long path to take, but you know you'll get better things ahead of you. 

Apparently, someone left a comment on my last post. Here's an update though, we're still hanging out, although not together, I keep up with his shit and he keeps up with mine. As long as that cycle keeps going, I do not see the rainbow of good life shining down. LoL. Thanks for the concern though SGL much appreciated. Who are you there? I honestly don't know people from red cross aside from my college friends. Kindly introduce yourself. I'm intrigued.

There's always a rainbow at the end of a gloomy day.

28662 SOBREVIÑAS, KATHERINE ROS VALDUEZA

at  8:41:10 PM I am officially a registered nurse:)

I think that people around me are happier, my mom, sisters, cousins. I want to hear my dad's voice though. It sucks that I could not get a hug from him as he is far away from this poor country. By the way, my heart goes for those who didn't make it, everything has a purpose, for what that is only God knows. CONGRATULATIONS fellow RNs!:D

On a lighter note, after fighting with him, he called me up gave me a much appropriate "congratulations" than earlier. He invited me to a dinner date. I was so touched. I hope it works out. Even though something on me kept on negating. I believe that if you set yourself into something you want, it'll work that way. So, I want to be with you, I'll try to relax, change and be the person you say I should be- I can do that, perfectly utters how much I love you.

State of the Nation Address. SONA.

If I was still a student, I would be happy upon hearing that it's coming up. Because for sure, classes will be suspended. But I'm a recent graduate of nursing. Recently announced registered nurse. I'm unemployed.

SONAt excited Gloria. SONAt.

Oh so I met up with him, an got pissed for asking ths friend of his to have coffee. I hated the idea. I got mad.:(

11 Misty Morning -

I'm not a loner, or an introvert in that case. I can describe myself as the total opposite of those qualities, I have an astounding number of friends, I can make new ones in an instant, I talk a lot, I laugh like crazy, I love to share my insights and be heard. I'm not afraid to speak out my thoughts, until it reaches a point when I tend to hurt people or fuel their anger.

Perfection is nobody's turf.  For all it matters, there are thousands of flaws/faults we can point out each other. But I remembered the good words of a friend, "it's easier to use a finger and point out faults, what's harder is to give a helping hand and try to understand". In my entire 20 years of existence, I never thought someone could still be so selfless and noble. I was moved.

It took a while before I realized I have major attitude issues. I always thought, I have a lot of friends, how can I ever be a difficult person? Then it came down to relationships. You see, having a partner is similar to a bestfriend. You give each other the same bout of time, but in this case you are more intimate, your comfort level far exceeds normal platonic relationships. Then you open yourself a lot, maybe too much, that often times the UGLY in you seeps out.

SO how bad do I want changes? I started out today. My partner and I are total opposites. I love going out while he prefers the comfort of his laptop and his room. I love partying, when he'd rather hit the sack early in the night. I tend to be more neat, while he slacks and messes his stuff like crazy. In a more serious note, he's very friendly to the opposite sex while I try to restrict my interaction with them. I'm quite a handful of your typical bad GF dilemma. I'm jealous, insecure, paranoid and possessive. These qualities doesn't exactly compliment his, he was quite patient, but bursts when fueled, he is very trusting, and his interaction with the opposite always comes out sweet. Going out for 2 1/2 years, fighting like two mad people, breaking up for 6 months. And choosing to try it out again on our supposedly 3rd year of being together. Everything sounds overwhelming, and there's more to the story I choose not to discuss (refer to previous entries, and just guess). Getting back to the point, I started by taming mysef. My temper is quite bad, I am resentful and argumentative. I always think what I say is right, therefore it must be followed. He admitted as well of bein lazy during the relationship and not doing his part. So today, he didn't make up for his words again and wanted to change the plans we made. I told him what I wanted briefly and didn't push the issue liek I would've done 5 months ago. Later on, I wanted to look around to buy stuff, he said not to get anything, I was annoyed as hell deep inside, I almost showed him was ticked off I was when he wrapped his arm on myshoulder, and I couldn't do anything else but wrap mine over his waist. I just smiled and uttered silently, "YES! no fights!".

What inspired me? I read a magazine article wherein the writer emphasized on the importance of modifying eliminating bad behaviors. It uses a technique that animal trainers practice. When you want to get rif of a bad habit, you do not reinforce neither punish it, what you do is ignore. The person won't continue doing something that is not recognized as bad or good. I think it works in modifying my behavior in return, as I ignore his annoying habits or actions, I teach myself to be more patient and relaxed. While on the other hand, I also work on bidding his bad habits "goodbye". I remembered how I push him around when he tries to be patient with me, when I always fuel our heated arguments. Things can change I believe, for three years, I say I will, but I never made any concrete move that proves so. I will give myself a weekly timeline. No fights, or a minimum of one small fight of different reasons per week.

Things I must remember:

1. Be calm, collected, relaxed

2. Set your emotions aside, or keep it to yourself, share it to a friend, but never give an emotional outburst to the person you are feeling it with. Emotions are personal, subjective, temporary spells. If you try to get back to others by making them share your misery, you would just wallow yourself into the hands of grudge.

3. Be a YES girlfriend. Whether he asks permission or not, you must let him do his own thing. He's got a life beyond you.

4. Be understanding. Think to yourself that he is the nicest person around and for may whatever cause he cheated/lied on you, he has a reason for it. Its not tolerance, especially when he chose to come back to you.

5.TRUST WITH ALL YOUR HEART. He may do something behind you, but if you've shown him enough loyalty, he would be the one to fold and come back crying to your arms.

6. Laugh a lot as a couple, do see each other once in a while, tend to your own lives. Do not lose the spark. You are never sure how to get it back. It might be back but trust me, you'd shed a river before it happens. OR it may not.

7. Continue to grow to be an interesting person, be independent but don't be intimidating.

8. Choose your words, sometimes things you don't mean your words but even if you apologize or make up for it, what has been said and how it came about can never be changed.

9. Put God in the center.:)

All these things I realized while sun bathing at the poolside and reading whatever there is to read. I learned that as outgoing as I maybe, I also enjoy times when I'm alone and idle. The perfect time to relax, rest your brain, leave to rest you weary cells and finally reflect on what you should do. I thought about my dreams how big they were before and how I'm willing to keep them alive given the right resources.

1. To be a doctor/ nursing practitioner

2. To be a renowned news anchor

3. To be able to dance again.

4. To learn how to play the guitar well and sing.:)

I am not getting old. Today. I just found my happy bone.

 I wish to constantly possess this disposition.:) YAY. Thank you Lord:)

"Sometimes to know you've actually won the battle, your enemy has to know she lost."

"I'm here. But she doesn't even know I existed."

"You said you love me, you give me a rainbow of hope for a great future. It was music to my ears. Not until you uttered the same sweet words to her."

Well, we're trying to work things out now. And as stubborn and stupid I am, he caught me again going through his messenger, what a beater for a perfect start. Oh please God, help me stop doing crazy barbaric things. I want to change and be adored by him again. Help me please?