Or got accomplished. *sigh* I've been saying that a lot lately. I really need to get myself together but I am trying and I am doing the best I can. 

Okay I don't know what's happening anymore, but I appreciate so much my friends trying to get here only now since one of them "the transportation" has fell asleep we're running through some difficulties.

In truth all I want is to eat cake with my friends somewhere. That's pretty much all I want and I am going have to find the cable to clear  

When did it turn to matter so much. It didn't - when I had school during it. It didn't when I was at home. Most of all it didn't when I was out celebrating it and doing something with my friends who are rather far away...playing pool at this moment.

I want to fully blame everything on her but I won't because partially I was slightly stubborn. But I wanted her to tell me to come back home. To tell me that she wanted me home. To be there.

Instead she's out with my little sister somewhere without emotion and like she didn't care. Once again I am a victim of wanting affection, attention and adoration from my parents. A bad reliant. A foolish reliant.

Not that all my birthdays have really been that great. Nothing special. Yet it was always something I looked forward to. Today in ten minutes that is - its just another day. Another day I went out with my friends and saw another movie.

I am thankful for them. What's my birthday present to myself? Currently, its just me signing up for tons of different blog sites and testing them out.

As of now - Tabulas is still the one with the best features, user-friendliness and nicest interface.

However, I find that it is perhaps more difficult to code here and the inability to have a small software that logs me in automatically and allows me to make quick posts is really something I wanted...above being able to have a nice design. 

I need an image editing software. Something else I lack.

It's weird that I notice so many things today. Next year I'll be busy with perhaps school. Today at this moment, I remember, and notice the song playing and what I am doing. I am typing here till it reaches midnight.

I am rather tired in general and tired of staring at the television. I need Gilmore Girls.

I am going to remember tonight. I am going to remember it just like how I  cried myself to sleep and cried in general secrety on Christmas Eve. 

Happy Birthday to me. Remember that one day when I was so happy and tired that I just didn't write it all down. And now I am - well me and sitting here before you writing it down feeling like crap. I know...its just a birthday its so minicus. It's nothing.

Here goes one more minute.

19 is the loniest number.

They ruined my Christmas and they're ruining my birthday - might as well take New Year too. *exhales*

I really don't know why I bother with it. So stupid. I am so angry and so frustrated. Everything just comes screaming back to me and I keep thinking - I should have known better. Part of me - is going I told you so. You know something was going to happen, the picture, the anticipation was all too perfect, was all too much to ask for even just a day.

I am pretty structured person I hate when they just break plans but that's not even the driving factor as to why I am no
 

There was so much I intended to do today. Yet none of which I have done.  Well, okay I moderately cleaned up the clothes portion of my room - which isn't really.

I need to clean up...by Thursday too. Somehow I am really unmotivated. Well right now I just can't stop yawning.

I've been browsing all these blog sites over the last couple hours. SO many blog hosts, many which have a similar platform. I went to Livejournal but as common as it is like Xanga - I don't really like the layout.

I like Tabulas' user friendly interface but I am seriously thinking of putting a lot of work into my blogs and many branch it over multiple hosts so if one goes down - the other is up and because through communities, you meet so many people and its just interesting to know what they have to offer.

I have even downloaded some server-side programs that are suppose to manage and organize your blog but I think I might be getting a little ahead of myself considering - I don't understand how to even use these programs yet.

I just really want something - like a layout or something dependable. I want to learn all of this...so I can design it - stick with it and have something my own. A haven. 

SPOILER ALERT for HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE!

Listening to Mugglenet right now at the United States premiere on Monday, November 14th. I was going to listen to it but I noted that they have spoilers - well of course.

So, I thought I would listen to it after the movie although, this morning I truly noted that the actor of Dumbledore is bothering me...

They share some of the sentiments that I had. They didn't have the magical creatures from the maze.

Hm...ah..I think that if they changed Dumbledore that I would definitely purchase the DVD but it really just bothers me - his protray of the character because mainly he's a key character and one of my favourite characters in the book. 

I saw a trailer of Supernatural a show that I've been meaning to watch and it gave me shivers. Technically, truthfully I am sure its not suppose to be scary - not intended maybe enticing and interesting perhaps mysterious but not scarying but just watching that one scene I stopped the trailer...Basically its silence and the two main characters are waiting in the car outside a house and then they see a girl through the window screaming for help.

Perhaps you're more susceptible to being scared when you're kind of cold and lack hours of sleep.

Note to self: not to watch a scary movie when I am stressed or lacking a lot of sleep.

I mean - the window is open in one of my roomate's room so the door sounds like its constantly being closed from the window blowing in and that made me feel uneasy almost like I kind of anticpate someone to jump up and scare me or something.

Thank goodness Halloween has already passed or I'd feel SO uneasy right now. 

I've been reading Molly Moon's Book of Hynotism, which was a book I had initially intended to give to my little sister but as I have not seen her yet, I've been reading it.

I keep reading it and reading it. Only now I admittently know why. Well for starters, I knew it was a way of procrasination, me running away from stress and my fears. But also because what I realized, I relate to her in some ways.

I am scared. Stress and being sick has made me more vulnerable and sensitive. My parents called to check up on me tonight and while I was on the phone with them assuring them I was fine, like yesterday, I wanted to cry and go home and be away from this place. I wanted to leave all this stress and loniness that I was feeling and feel save and protected again. And me crying about it really doesn't help my nasal decongestion.

I miss my parents because of that. Yesterday being diagnosed with strep throat and this confusion and reading up on some of the scary possibilities really scared me. And now I am just really scared I won't do well on my coming tests.

I don't understand statistics very well. I feel so alone because there's no one to help me and teach me how to do it. At least I will have to wait two weeks to get a tutor (after this test is done). My professor not emailing me back and my t.a. being so helpless to me and unresourceful (yes, I do attend all the classes) have left me feeling completely alone.

I have to learn all these concepts myself and the horrific situation is that I still have an anatomy test waiting for me in a few days afterwards.

I am running short and low on time. I've been frustrated and depressed with statistics the entire weekend and with that I should have started anatomy but in this stupid firm belief that I would finish studying for statistics on Monday which did not happen - I am now in this situation...

I have somewhat lost my motivation to study and towards statistics I was almost willingly to give up. I was going to drop the course, only now I am not going to drop the course and I keep telling myself to try my best on these two tests. To really give it all I got then afterwards, I think this being a good thing has really left me a permanent mark for future study habits and routines.

Still I am scared and I lack reassurance. Help me get through this...*exhales* Help me from feeling so completely alone and deserted. Health - and my weak health - still unable to breathe properly...will have to be a low priority. I'll crash when the weekend comes.

Finally, as it is - my suite is way to noisy for me to get any functional studying done.

I started getting the disgusting taste in my mouth - and now I have the lower stomache pain. The taste in my mouth is either on my tongue or trailing wherever my saliva is because I can't stop tasting it. Even after I am constantly swallowing...

I realized that as soon as I step one foot outside the door my body is heated and warm just as it is right now...not a fever just warmer than usual.

My stomach pain - isn't like a stomache doesn't hurt that much or like that but more like the mid-lower of my stomach is either hollow or blowing up a ballon or some muscle is swirling around slightly bruised.

And as I can't print out all the articles. I'll have to remember to do it later when the computers become free. Unfortunately, no one here is studying anatomy.