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.... I'm so sorry. So sorry. Why oh why do I keep hurting you?

I'm still making this work in my life. Everyday, God teaches me something that breaks me. He uses painful experiences, struggles within the ministries, and other people to point out what I'm doing wrong. It drains me and makes me cry so hard. Still sometimes I put my fist up until I realize I am stopping God working in me. I am preventing God to shape me to a person that I'm supposed to be.

God maybe using someone to correct me not to hurt me purposely, but to beautifully change me. I used to think that other people don't have the right to call me such and such... but they, the godly Christian people, did and they still do. Because that's when God talks to me. And God has every right to anything.

I'm still getting used to the change, but I can actually have more than one blog under one username w/c I find very cool. =)

Another change is actually getting my art out there... somewhere over the wires and waves? Well it's on the internet and it cannot be anymore public than that. I was pretty insecure with my skills as an artist ... w/c is why presentations are the worst. I feel like I want to hide and disappear when I show my artwork. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! I got this gift from God for a reason... and if I keep it to myself then it wouldn't be much of a ministry. So I gotta get used to this. I have to be less sensitive about it.

So my art is finally organized. The rest of the room needs some work though. Haha!

My artwork is all over the floor.

I need to document and archive my art properly...

Actually I need to take care of it properly. LOL

I need a portfolio.

LOL. Yeah, Totally not blog-worthy.

I want Pao and Hanie to come with, too... But then Pao will be stuck with someone he doesn't know in a room. (I'm thinking Andrew from Design class, lol). What's worse is ... stuck with an instructor. Oh well. I'll bring back something for him. Matching I *heart* NY shirts for us? lol Babe if you're reading this, you've got until Thursday to make up your mind. Haha. Hanie doesn't want to spend money on a three day vacay. 

So because of that I won't be getting a new computer anytime soon. It's a bit sad, but I can't have everything. lol. Plus. my Macbook still works. Maybe I'll just upgrade it since I can afford that =). I was hoping to get the new iMac 21.5 inches of sweet sweet screen. Sigh... hopefully a new shmexy one comes out next year so I feel good for waiting.

Also... my frustrations from my last blog has passed. I know, my God is great and HE answers prayers! I am thankful for such wonderful people who are willing to help me out. Thank you, Lord!

I feel like I have given too much task to do at church and really, I cannot handle all of them.

Last night someone asked me, "Why are you avoiding to sing?" When I politely declined an offer to sing back-up for praise and worship at the Mississauga church. I said no not because I didn't want to, it's fun to be a back up singer. But I just had to be realistic with what I can handle.

And right now, there are SO MANY people in the church who can do the same thing I can do. They are so proud of their work and their talents! But when asked if they can use it at church, they turn it down and it may be good or bad reasons but that leaves people that are already working to do double jobs. Double jobs is equivalent to stress for most people. (Unless you're a work hog, you can have some of mine). I don't want to be stressed for the Lord. I'm sorry. I shouldn't feel this way. I should still feel joyful. Wait, I am.

I just need helpers, maybe? I need to organize. I am overwhelmed by the different ministries I'm taking. I just need to take a breather... and do it. (Oh my, and I've already ... unknowingly ... took the youth ministry for granted.)

I need to clear my head.

I miss having a study mate.

Someone who will stay up with me studying.

AND KEEP ME AWAKE.

Ugh.

So tonight, coffee you're my study mate.

Speaking of dressing up, I haven't been dressing up nicely. I'm kind of wearing whatever these days. Living a life of a student. I packed most of my clothes so that moving in January won't be so hectic. I'm sure it still will be but at least lessen the load. I feel that I'm kinda unconsciously wearing bad clothes lately. lol! I mean, I get excited with shoes that Pao bought for me for around $2 at Bluenotes. (Srsly, it's like comfort heaven). I pretty much look the same everyday now. I don't even fix my hair, blow dry and tie it up.

I guess I miss dressing up. I just have no time for it yet. Nor the budget, lol.

Anyways, remember my last post about Sunday School? I thought I'd start by making videos of actions for children songs. I'm pretty sure it will be helpful because when I was doing the Sing and Dance class for VBS, I searched everywhere on Youtube. Found nothing. But I'll do that once I get my new Macbook Pro...

What new Ma..?

HUH? what are you talking about?

You just said you're...?

WHAT?

LET ME FINI...!!

YOU'RE WACK!!

I'm wack?! YOU'RE....

Yes you are.

Forget it....

So I was thinking of building a website for Sunday School teachers (kids 12 and below). I want it to be a little like the Our Daily Journey or Our Daily Bread websites and gather Children Ministry Pastors, Teachers, Creative, Talents, and Volunteers to write short lessons and songs about anything that can be taught to the children - free of charge.

WHY? The Children's Ministry is one of the most needed Ministry in a church. But, with my observation (in many churches, not just ours), the real importance of it is not truly emphasized nor understood. I want to help out in making people aware of how important it is. The Children's Ministry is just as important as any kind of ministry. Maybe a different part of the body but just as important to keep the body alive.

I want to put together a website where it will help anyone who wants to start, or improve their Children's Ministry. It's not an easy thing to do. Which is why all the teachers in the world who's willing to contribute to the furderance of Christ's kingdom need to come together and help out! Jesus welcomed the children, and so should we.

I am a volunteer and now in charge of our new church's Children's Ministry. It's only been 2 weeks so I guess having one volunteer is actually a big blessing already. I am actually planning to create our own curriculum that I feel (with God's help) is fitted to the kids in our church. I'm still getting to know the children so so far though it's a bit stressful, it's been such a wonderful experience. Without any help from my Director back when I was an assistant in the ministry, the Christian Education deacon, and many seminars about Childrens Ministry, I would be so lost in what to do. But some people won't have a Tita Precy, an Ate Sheila, nor afford to attend a seminar. And because I was blessed with the opportunity to have these things, I'd like to contribute... =)

I'd like to clear this that I don't want it to be branded as a single church's work... so I won't brand this as a TICC website. I just want some sort of a collaborative work to anyone who helps. This isn't something that I'd like to do NOW, maybe later... but it's a bit of a long term career goal? Or I should say a long term ministry goal. 

I'm putting this here now maybe just to remind me of how I feel at this very moment... and to remind me why I'm here... and why I love what I'm doing. I guess this is a letter for me when one day I feel frustrated and want to give up.

Hi Diane!