nagsimula nung breakdown ko nung sabado..

sobrang nakakahiya talaga!

pressures ng pagiging ulila..

pressures sa pag-aaral..

si daddy ang daming expectations..

kahit nagkaroon ng sectorcon hindi yun naging enough para mabawi yung lungkot ko..

meron nanaman akong kaaway.. ugh.. 

isang taong sumira sa tiwala ko..

take note, yfc poh yung taong yun..

nasabihan pa ako ng iba na dapat ako mauna makipagbati..

well.. ayoko nga kasi siya may kasalanan sakin..

ang plastik talaga nung taeng un!!!

peste siya!!!

sobrang laki ng tiwala ko sa kanya!!

tapos gagayanin lang ako!!

wala siyang kwentang kaibigan!!

ano pa ba?...

ummm...

mga panibagong masakit na sikretong natuklasan ko..

at maraming-marami pang masakit na bagay..

hindi lang sa mga kaibigan,

pati sa pamilya..

bakit ba ang dami kong problema?

~para sakin: smile ka nalang diane... 5 yrs nalang tapos na 'to lahat!~

LORD, HELP ME... T_T

Limang minuto bago mag alas-onse, Ingles ang kasalukuyang asignatura namin. Tahimik ang klase. Ito ay hindi malimit na mangyari, lalung-lalo na sa oras ni Gng. Sorongon kaya ako ay natutuwa. Tila ito ay isang himala. Ang klase ng IV- Archdiocese of Nueva Segovia na kilala bilang isang magulo, maingay, pasaway ngunit masiyahing kalse ay tahimik sa oras ng Ingles. Pero ang lahat ng bagay na nangyayari ay may dahilan. At sa pambihirang kasong ito, ang dahilan ng katahimikang nakakagaan sa pandinig ay ang paggawa ng aming proyekto.

Isang biliyograpiya ang pinapagawa ni Gng. Sorongon. Sa oras na ito, ang lahat ng aking mga kamag-aral ay ginagawa ang kani-kanilang mga proyekto maliban sa isa. At ako iyon. Habang sila ay abala sa pagsusulat ng kanilang proyekto, ako naman ay abala din sa ibang bagay. Abala ako sa pagmumuni-muni at sa pasusulat nito, ang entry na ilalagay ko sa aking blog. Bakit? Gaya ng sinabi ko, ang lahat ng bagay na nangyayari ay may dahilan. At iyon ay dahil nakatapos ako ng maaga sa proyekto. Ako ang unang-unang nakatapos kaya mayroon pa akong ilang minuto upang sayangin.

Sampu… Sampung minuto nalang. Ang bilis lumipas ng oras. Sa labinlimang minuto ay nakasulat lamang ako ng kaunting mga pangungusap. Madami akong mga iniisip na bagay. Mga masakit na lihim na ako lang ang nakakaalam; Mga responsibilidad na kailangan gawin; Karagdagang responsibilidad na ayokong gawin ngunit kailangan; Mga ulat na dapat tapusin; Ang nalalapit kong talumpati; Pahahanda sa isang malaking pangyayari sa iskwelahan na ako ang mag-hohost; Pagharap sa halos lahat ng estudyante sa ika-apat na antas sa sekondarya; Pagkabisa ng isang pormal at mahabang skit; Pagbabasa ng madaming kabanata ng El Fili; Pagpasa ng mga proyekto; Interview sa CAT; Sayaw sa PE; Presentasyon sa Music; Prayer Service ng grupo; Pagbasa ng dalawa pang akda; Mga long test; Pagtuturo sa mga varsity kahit na ayaw ko; Pisika; At higit sa lahat, ang ACET.. Haaayyy…

Ganitong mga bagay ang naiisip ko habang ako’y nagpapalipas-oras. Mga problema… Mga problema… Mga problema… At syempre, ang mga maaring solusyon ko sa mga problema. Siguro ganito lang talaga kapag walang magawa. Dinidibdib ang ubod ng daming problema. Naiiyak na ako ngunit pinipigilan ko lang talaga. Bakit ba ang dami ko palaging problema?..

Limang minuto nalang… Ako’y malungkot parin. Nagiisip.. Nagiisip ng malalim… Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata… Sinabi ng guro na ang mga proyekto ay kukunin na niya…Ngunit ang mga katagang ito ay wala nang halaga para sa akin. Sapagkat nauna na akong nakapagpasa… Habang ako’y nakapikit  ako’y napabuntong-hininga at sa lahat ng mga naiisip ko sa oras na ito, ibinlong ko nalang sa sarili ko… “Lord God, tulungan mo po ako. Alam kong makakaya ko lahat ng problemang ito dahil nandiyan Ka.”

 Just wanna say Happy Bday to Leizel Asilo!!!

May drawing pa nga akong nakalagay "vague smile." Why? Feeling ko kasi ako yung drawing kong iyon. Laging nakangiti, nakatawa, nagpapatawa, makulit, pero ang totoo, umiiyak, nagtitimpi, tinatago yung tunay sama ng loob at hinanakit ko mula sa mga tao gamit ng ngiti ko.. And they are easily deceived..

Bakit "vague"? Kasi sabi sakin ng teacher ko nung 2nd year, ibig sabihin daw ng vague ay fake.. Sabi naman sa dictionary, unclear or blurred daw yun.. Whatever it means, I'm sure that it suits what I'm feeling right now.. Parang nasa isang "Vague World" ako, isang magulo, malabo at malungkot na mundo.. At hindi ko pa alam ang problema ko!! Kaya lalo pang lumalala..

Hindi ko gusto toh.. Hindi masaya... SOBRANG LUNGKOT YUNG FEELING...

Leaning On God
Diane Famatigan – ACET Essay
 

          I was given almost everything I wanted when I was a child. Pretty clothes, toys, comic books, and a variety of pink items filled my room. I was in my comfort zone. Since I was such a brat that time, asking for money and just spending without thinking twice were the only things I knew. But all of these material things, the luxury, and the vague happiness I was enjoying were all suddenly taken from my grasp.

          In October 2002, my mom was diagnosed with a stage three of breast cancer. My allowance had to be cut and I had to stop buying things for my collection because we needed the money badly for my mom’s chemotherapy sessions. I remember how I used to reason out with my parents so I could still continue buying a very popular magazine. “Everyone else has a W.I.T.C.H. magazine! I’ll be left out!” I always tell them. I continued being a brat while my mom was having chemotherapy. After a few months, my mom recovered.

          We thought that the family crisis was all over. For the second time, my mom was again diagnosed with a stage three breast cancer in the early months of 2004. I was angry. Why did it have to happen again? I was forced to do chores and had to learn how to cook. At first, I was mad because I wasn’t used to working. But in time, I learned to love doing housework. Later on, my mom had again recovered. Thanks to the people who always prayed for her. Sad to say, willingly doing the chores was the only impact this experience gave me. My spoiled brat attitude remained and I was still collecting comic books.  It was the third time, when my mom, diagnosed with cancer, now on the fourth stage, changed my life.

          In 2003, I joined a religious organization called Youth for Christ. At first, it was really nothing to me. I felt that I should only join because my cousins are in it and almost all my relatives are in the Couples for Christ Ministries. In my first year in the YFC community, I rarely attend activities. I was “inactive”, as they call it. When I transferred to another school, my connection to YFC was cut and I never thought that one day I would be one of those who are “active”.

          It was the 26^th of August last year, when one of my classmates was inviting me to go with her on a youth camp. When I looked at the letter, I recognized the name of my former youth head. That week, I was so down. My mom was in bed for a couple of days just crying. I needed a break from all of the depression I was experiencing. 

         Missing the people in the community, I didn’t let the opportunity to pass. I decided to go with my friend to the camp. That afternoon, I felt that this was really meant to happen. It’s as if God’s calling that I would go to this camp. I told myself that something really good will happen when I go. After asking permission, I immediately packed my bags and returned to school.

          We were fetched by a van and finally, we arrived at Antipolo. Since I was already a YFC member, they decided to put me in the service team to help run the camp. I was really empowered and I felt that all my problems were just a piece of cake. I just have to seek God and ask for help.

          Ever since that day, my passion to serve God suddenly rose. I found myself attending a lot of events, meeting new friends, finally stopped collecting comic books just to save money to attend events, unexpectedly becoming a youth head myself, evangelizing and inspiring other people without realizing it, and to top it all, I felt that I was loved by God.

          I now realize that in giving me all these blessings, strength, and all the empowerment I needed to face little problems in my life, God was only preparing me for bigger challenges. He gave me trials that He knows will test me and will make my faith stronger. Just this May, my mom died, exactly one week before my birthday. It was, and still is really hard for me, especially to adjust to the new situation of my family and to accept the new responsibilities that I have. 

          I asked myself, if God never let me join YFC, what would happen to me now? Would I be lost? Maybe, I couldn’t accept my mom’s death. Maybe, I was even blaming God for taking mom away. Truly, God is an awesome God! He loves me so much that He had it all planned. He knows that I wouldn’t make it if I had no one to lean on and He didn’t let that happen. He gave me strength to little by little, overcome the sadness I have. He used YFC as an instrument to help me now that I’m emotionally down.

          Today, I don’t consider mom’s illness and death a burden, but rather, a blessing because the crisis we had when she was still alive made our family strong and made me a more mature person. It even helped us to be closer to God. It made us trust, never loose hope and always believe in Him. I’m thankful because she is no longer suffering and is now happy with the Lord. Even if sometimes, thinking of her makes me sad, I still smile because I know that she is already in good hands.

          After all the things that happened, all I can say is that when God entered my life, everything became different. A lot of things have changed and these helped me become the strong, brave and God-loving person that I am today. I will never forget what He has done and I will always keep in mind that He is always there, ready to lend a shoulder for me to lean on whenever I need it and that He will never leave my side.