http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/ emotional blizzard. doing this was just a trip. .i just thought that having an on-line journal will be cool. . it contains articles about what i'm feeling and what i am up to. . it’s my way of easing my burdens. . hope you’ll enjoy reading. . en Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:29:49 +0000 . never letting go .
. never letting go .

 
i love you, i always did.
but i was too afraid to cast out what i feel.
i thought that it would be a sign of my weakness.
too late, you left and broke my heart.
chorus :
now you're back, i won't let go.
o yea. this time i'm never letting go.
i'd do anything to keep you locked in my arms forever.
you heard it right, i said forever.
you're that one thing that kept me breathing.
that one star that kept me dreaming.
that one lie that kept me believing.
you're that one heart beat that kept me loving.
(chorus)
with my blood i spelled your name.
i wished hard for things to be the same.
the heavens heard my sweetest cry.
it gave you back to me and broke the lie.
(chours)
now you're back, i won't let go.
no matter what happens, i'm never letting go.
]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1488241.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1488241.html Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:20:12 +0000 . sweet nothings . moving on was never easy. . I am too weak to let go of the only thing that keeps me breathing.

With his false hopes, I believe.
With his broken promises, I hold on.
With his silence, I love.

Nobody knows how pissed off I feel right now. I pretend to be fine though inside I’m dying. The pain starts to rot inside of me. I know I sound too stupid and too emotional. But I only speak of what I feel. ='(

I am broken.

A month ago, I physically hurt myself. With a blade, I wrote stuffs on my arms. I was too numb of the pain I was supposed to feel. Too bad, I was caught. I was sent to the guidance office not for violation reports or any negative stuffs but for counseling. With the help of Ma'm Lalaine and some of my friends 'n blockmates, I tried to recover. 

I was fine then. 

He tried to fix things up not to lose the friendship that we had, I agreed. Things gone well between the two of us. We'll again walk together after classes and enjoy the company of each other. There was no 'us' but I felt what was happening was enough. He said he started to like me too. I'm his misa. He's my light. I declined a good friend who planned to court me because of him. Knowing this, I held on tighter with my fingers crossed wishing my fairy tale to come true. 

Shit happens. 

He, again, started to admire a friend. She was really a very admirable girl. He admired her before and lost his interest. Now, he likes her more.

September 17, 2007.

We were about to have a symposium for one of our classes. They were together as they entered the auditorium but then they were on seats apart from each other. I was already expecting to see them together but still it hurts. I know I was then not a girlfriend but the fact that a good friend was with the guy that I find special who's crushing on her, that hurts. Really, it does.

I am starting to run out of hope.

He left for Los Banos for the UAAP competition. He was starting to like another girl - a good friend. They were doing good. She's the one he was with after class, not me anymore. Honestly, I'm jealous. It hurts to know that they are happy together while I'm crying all by myself.

I have to get over him. 

After getting a sign after the UST vs. ADMU game, I decided to let go. He doesn't want me to. He doesn't want to lose the friendship. He asked me if we can still be close friends, I agreed. Besides, I really can't let him go.

With a mask, I hide my face.  

I'm trying to recover from drowning in such a deep twinge. But I really can't. I tried to keep what I really feel. With a smile, I tried to hide everything. She makes him happy. I can't and I won't make him happy. It hurts me. ='(

With tears, I'll end another day.

Everybody thought I was fine. I told them I was. BUT I AM NOT. Everything was a lie. I tried setting my attention to other people but still I'm not fine. No matter how I keep the pain that rots, it still will stink. This day is about to end. I still am down.

Save me.   

]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1480761.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1480761.html Wed, 26 Sep 2007 11:17:10 +0000 . sweet nothings . song for sam. .

*sam. .<3*

For quite a while I learned to spend my life with you. .
We watched the world go 'round as one. .
But now that you're gone and I'm all alone. .
I have no choice but to go on on my own. .

I'm trapped in the shadows that you cast. .
I'm beguiled in a love that i know would last. .
I want you near, I need you here. .
I, without you, am haunted by fear. .

Seeing you go away kills me. .
Though I wanted to call you. .
I know you won't hear me. .
You are all these teary eyes can see. .

Fairy tales doesn't always end in a happy ending. .
A heart-wrenching truth that keeps me hurting. .
I just can't keep you forever. .
No, not now. .No, not ever. .

With all these twinge that drowns me. .
And all these tears i've cried. .
I still can't let you go. .
I love you so much, perhaps that's the reason. .

You're the brightest star in a vast dark sky. .
Your the sweetest truth in this living lie. .
You're a wish, forever in my heart will stain. .
You're the pleasure I find in pain.

-->I made this song for sam. Not yet done with the musical arrangement but if i'm done i'll have it recorded. It's my first time to actually finish a song lyrics -- my song for sam.:)
]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1471042.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1471042.html Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:51:05 +0000 . sweet nothings . no 'us' - not now. not ever. "There was no 'us' to begin with. ." a line from kuia Gab's group message days ago. Getting drowned in the same twinge, it's a sh*tty truth that I too, have to face. There was no 'us'. There will never be an 'us'. Not now. Not ever. -->Oops! Let me clear things up before you get confused this blog post isn't about Gab. Nabanggit lang xa dito. :) It's about his friend. .:)

I miss him.

Reading his messages when I wake up, smiling when he says he's Death Note's Ryuk, sharing a twister fries together, taking some walk with him by my side, drinking the same fruit magic shake flavor, eating with him, watching the world go 'round as one -- I miss life with him.

Take note, there was never an 'us'. Too bad I wish there was. 

In an old bench in the lover's lane, I sat and made a song. But I wasn't able to finish it. I saw him on the other side taking a walk back to his dorm. I bursted into tears.

Watching him go away was hell.

I wanted to call his name out loud but I know he won't hear me. Even if he does, he'll pretend he didn't. It sucks to see someone you love so much go away yet you can do nothing but follow him with your eyes. 

He was a dream though I wasn't sleeping.

But dreams are made for sleeping. He made me happier. He made me feel blissful for quite a while. He made me love him more everyday. He made me take the chance of falling in love again though I was afraid to. But he didn't want me to. He doesn't want me to get hurt. He thinks I deserve someone far more better than him. For un unknown reason, I keep holding on to loving him. I want to stay.

Sometimes, fairy tales doesn't end with a happy ending. 

If you happen to pass by this blog post, the song that plays is for you. You know who you are. I love you.

I will always be your guardian angel.

]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1468561.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1468561.html Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:40:41 +0000 . sweet nothings . the field and the fries. . From inside our room, I can see him. He's too tall not to be noticed. He woul lean back to the locker behind him with his iPod earphones stuck on his ears. He was just a room away, a look away.

Most of the time, we'll meet in corridors or in other vicinities of the university. We took glances yet we never utter words. We don't know each other. We were then just familiar faces.

After an assembly, we had the chance to introduce ourselves to each other. Too bad the time's too short and it runs too fast.

The feeling of not seeing him, bizzare. It was like you're used to see something but with just a snap of the finger, it's gone. I don't know  what the heck keeps me from looking for him. Absent pala siya. .:)

We started making friends -- texting, talking, walking around. I was now smiling for something. Enjoying life with somebody.'

Last night, it was the best. All day long I had in mind : "Three days na walang klase. Dapat ma-enjoy ko 'tong araw na 'to.". My real plan was to audition for MusiCASA but I did something more worth of the time -- Nag-picnic kme sa football field. Though the lights turned out, we still enjoyed hanging out in such an odd setting. May naglalaro xe nung nagpipicnic kme. .:)

I don't want to assume or what. I don't know if he's feeling the same way but one thing's clear : The bridge finally gave up and I'm falling. The field and the fries, they make me smile, make me live life to the full, make me LOVE.

]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1458242.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1458242.html Fri, 03 Aug 2007 01:14:08 +0000 . sweet nothings .  

I didn't mean to fall in love. .
but i did. .
You didn't mean to love me back. .
but i know you did. .

 

]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1455492.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1455492.html Fri, 27 Jul 2007 15:43:52 +0000 . sweet nothings . your promise. .

" Love is patient. " and " True love waits. "

I'm willing to wait and I don't care how long.

Just be back as you promised.

Too bad you can't make it.

You're gone.

Your lost forever.

]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1437051.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1437051.html Sat, 16 Jun 2007 12:52:47 +0000 . sweet nothings . what love really is. . Here's an excerpt from the Bible that shows what LOVE really is. It is from the 13th chapter of I Corinthians.

"1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

This may sound "corny" to some, but its true. At a very young age, I always wanted to have myself locked in the arms of the person destined for me. I always wanted to be with my prince but I always end up with frogs.

I'm still young. I don't have to rush God as He writes my love story. He's still preparing the best guy that will fit me. :)

]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1431692.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1431692.html Tue, 05 Jun 2007 07:58:55 +0000 . the sprite . emo. . I'm not one of them. .:)

*a black and grey love lay-out. .
*poignant blog posts. .
*sad icons. .

Because of these, some people assumed that I am an "emo".

Let me elucidate it.

I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.
I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO. I'M NOT AN EMO.

I just want to irritate other people with what I feel. :)

]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1429460.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1429460.html Thu, 31 May 2007 11:51:14 +0000 mystified. . I have this weird question in mind. If you happened to pass by this post, kindly give me a brief answer.

bakit ba 'ndi pwedeng manligaw ang babae? .
 
wala naman akong balak gawin 'to. .naisip ko lang gumawa ng isang maiksing blog post. .xe lahat ng posts ko nobela. .:) 

 

]]> http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1428780.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1428780.html Wed, 30 May 2007 03:45:58 +0000 . outlooks . http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1429459.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1429459.html Thu, 31 May 2007 11:55:15 +0000 http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1483916.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1483916.html Fri, 05 Oct 2007 16:29:39 +0000 http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1488238.html http://tabulas.com/~cuttie_rain/1488238.html Thu, 18 Oct 2007 00:12:55 +0000