There's this med student- she's a senior- I don't know her personally but I am on her emailing list for volunteer work- the sheer effort she puts into protecting the vulnerable and fighting injustice in this city Melbourne is just... mind-blowing that she would actually bother- and she does it her own way.  So admirable!  I want to be like her!

And I just watched the Hillsong United film 'We're All In This Together'.  Frankly from the point of view of a merciless film critic, the film would have not garnered much rave reviews.  But I really took away these points from the film:

1. A lot of change, revolutionary change in this world was done by the youth- I had no idea the William Wilberforce started fighting slavery around the age of 26!  (He persisted fighting slavery for 40+ years- man that IS long!)

2. A lot of change was done via revolution- i.e. drastic change with lots of sacrifice.

3. Until we do something, nothing will be done. (I used to think that change WILL come- and its up to us whether we want to be a part of it or not- but if all of us thought that way and just waited...)

As a friend said- it all seemed very surreal that we stepped right back into the culture of consumerism (cliche cliche), of gratifying my wants NOW and the idea that it's all about me after watching such human desolation and poverty.  Hmmm...  I have to admit I am one of those who perpetuate the culture.

Sometimes I can despair over the fact that what I am currently doing is pretty insignificant- not that I despise the small things- but sometimes I do wonder if I am not spending my time and energy at the right things.  I guess I have to spend more time seeking Him as to where He wants me to go.

I look at my beloved Malaysia- and I think I have become too accepting of a few issues in Malaysia- I need not mention them.  The thing is- things CAN change- it is about how far we are willing to go make the necessary changes...

If you find yourself having nothing to do- just look at your own backyard (not literal) and see how much change needs to sweep this place- it's up to you whether you want to be a part of it or not.

I really do not want to regret living life not investing in things that outlast my lifetime on this earth.

I think it'll be so cool to work in rescue teams that rescue little girls from brothels- lots of courage needed!

So this I pray will be the underlying theme of what I want to spend my holidays doing. I just need to get over the biggest obstacle- myself- and my stupid insecurities that makes me think that I am not good enough to do what God has called me to do.  I just feel- ah- unsatisfied right now.  I don't know how to quite put this into words.

I was just thinking.  I don't think I am an intrinsically good person.  (I do not want to get into a debate about people's original nature...  this is not what I am about to talk about.)

Compared to others, I have to work harder at being nice.  Come to think of it, I was never a nice kid.  I troubled everyone without a second thought, but I hated it when people troubled me a trifle bit.  I am still like that.

All you benovelent people out there- stop making me feel bad!  Why are you all so good-natured?  You think of nice things to do for other people.  You do not hold grudges against people.  You talk to everyone ever so courteously, ever so funnily, ever so caringly.  You would never lash out on anyone, deserving or not.  You willingly and freely give everything that you have, sharing without calculating the losses incurred.  Your disposition is so pleasant that I could dunk your head in ice-cold water and hold you down for 2 minutes without you doing anything to merit it and you will still thank me for it.

Alright, the last sentence was a definite exaggeration.  But it's close enough I think.

I think being nice/good is a talent, like how some people are better at painting or sports, and how people are not that great in singing or at writing.

For me it is a conscious action, something that I almost have to 'slog' at.  I know that it's not a lone effort, and yes I should let God change me.  But...  you still (I believe) have to practise before you can be truly nice/good... and that is the hard part.  I mean, how can God change me truly if I don't put it into action?

And that is why I work hard at it.  Because this is the one thing I do want to be good at and matters to me most, unlike my many failed attempts to be good at other things.

Urrrgghhh this feeling of helplessness and having to depend on God.  What a blend of feelings!

Hope everyone's keeping alive and well!

I've been thinking about all the tricks that I've played on people throughout my life, and unfortunately, I think 90% of the time I have pissed people off with it instead of eliciting a laugh from them.  I always either pick a tactless, probably even tasteless, trick, or I pick the wrong person, or I pick the wrong time.

I've tried:

1. (This is my most famous trick- though not sensational, it's pretty daring for someone like me.)  I chalked my teacher's seat and wrote 'No Parking' on it with a bunch of friends (the idea came from Malory Towers and the Bookworm Club), and my teacher duly sat on it without knowing.  I think some of us nearly wanted to die from choked laughter after the class was over, seeing 'No Parking' flash on my teacher's behind like that.

That kind of thing appealed to my impish 12-year old mind.

2. Then I tried this lame joke- I put glue on one side of the coin, and stuck it to the ground at school.  I asked Li Leng (she was a Form 5 senior while I was in Form 2) to pick it up- which she duly did.  The coin was supposed to stick on the floor but it didn't, instead the glue from all my efforts spilled all over her hands.  Screams to be heard.

Now it isn't very funny.  But I thought it was then.  Weird.

3. This was when I decided I officially sucked at planning tactful, safe, funny tricks.  Michelle and I thought it would be a shame to let April Fool's last year just pass by like that.  So we THOUGHT it would be funny to pretend Michelle was in hospital after an accident, and to get a bunch of my hostel mates to actually go there.

Now I KNOW it's not funny.  But I don't know why my sense of humour was so warped.

Anyway people did fall for it.  But woah- were some of them angry after they found out...

This is why I think I'll have to retire (more like I was fired) from my practical pranking on other people.  Apparently I'm not very funny.

I wonder why I have such a penchant of doing such things- it's either because I have been tricked so many times, of course not harmfully, by other people, or because there's just something about tricking others that gives you that self-superior sense of yourself- that you can beguile people into falling into your trap.

But I do like people who laugh at themselves after they get tricked and find out, and that was what made me do it... last time :(

My last proper paper tomorrow!  (I have two exams after that, just that this involves lots of writing and memory work and imagination.  God, You better help me out here because I am rather dumb without You.)

Back home, I never had to 'endure' a dirty toilet- my maid washed it everyday and that was how things worked for me.

When I came over to Melbourne- again I took it for granted as the uncle would come and wash the toilet at least weekly...  so yes things were a little dirtier than before, but still tolerable.

But when I am now staying in my own apartment- then I realised that toilets don't clean themselves.  I've been to a lot of friends' places here and I realised that if I don't clean my toilet soon enough- the base of the bowl would turn into this layer of sedimented... poo.  So now I religiously clean my toilet at least a week (not too much to ask I know) but the purported 'potpourri fragrance' from my toilet cleaner is way better than a basal level of stench.

I stayed up last night- I really could not sleep which was bad as I had my exam the next day (i.e. today).  Was just thinking how spoilt ROTTEN I am...  The only household chore I had to do was to wash my school shoes and even then I complained like a goodness-knows-what pig.  I just threw everything everywhere because someone was there to pick up after me (disgusting I know) and because I thought I was 'stressed out' or 'busy' from school.

You know how I always complain about having no time to do this and that?  I actually did this calculation:

We have 168 hours a week.

Take away 20 hours for uni, that would be 148 hours left.

Take away an average of 7 hours of sleep a night, that would be 99 hours left.

Take away an average 3 hours a day for eating and bathing and cooking, that would be 78 hours left.

OK and for my own personal activities:

Take away 8 hours for OCF activities (considering there is a lot of preparation and extra meetings involved), that would be 70 hours left.

Take away 2.5 hours for grocery shopping, that would be 66.5 hours left.

Take away 3 hours for church, that would be 63.5 hours left.

Take away 25 hours of studying a week (haha!), that would be 38.5 hours left.

Assuming I am a girl who has some basic level of cleanliness, house cleaning and clothes washing would take 4 hours a week in total, that would be 34.5 hours left.

And for travel time etc- at most, take away 7 hours a week, which is 27.5 hours.

Take away 2 hours for my weekly visit to Pat, that would be 25.5 hours.

Take away 7 daily 15-minute devotions 23.75 hours.

Let's say I am going to be ambitious, that I actually take up the USMLE and it involves some studying, that would be 7 hours a week- 16.75 hours left!

And really that is all the 'necessary things to be done'- I still have almost a day's worth of time to spend!!!  And I was already super generous with my calculations...

So with these 16.75 hours left, I want to use it to:

1. Maximise my time with friends- I want to be able to spend quality time, not necessarily long draggy periods where we do nothing productive (not that bumming around isn't good, but I think we should make the most out of all the time we have together.)  And to know how to balance and not neglect groups of friends I should be 'investing' my time in.

2. Read books!  Besides med of course.  I feel my mind is so narrow and naive- I need to feed my mind!

3. Oh the mandatory- exercise.  Har har har. 

4. Spend more time on improving myself on the piano and violin.  I am too mediocre for my liking.

5. And not waste it all on the Internet! 

I am so good at devising schemes but not good at implementing them...  Please let this be a fruitful planning time.

Haha the ending of the entry has no connection with the beginning.

Let not anyone say the F-word please.  No.

Was just listening to Casting Crowns' new album...  Love the song 'Until the Whole World Hears'.

I am just looking forward to the time after exams.  So much so that I find it so hard to concentrate for my remaining papers... not good!

Wanted to post something light-hearted, mildly entertaining- but I am still in this "I-want-to-save-the-world" mode- youthful idealism?  Better than settling for realistic disillusionment.

A lot of dreams and wishes for what I want to do this holidays and next year...  I hope I'll have the sufficient DISCIPLINE to pursue them.

Looking at the tree outside my window now- it's thickly clothed in a lush shade of green.  Just a few months ago it was devoid of any leaves.  Funny how it seems to be more clothed in summer than in winter.  OK I am rambling.  But I like looking at that tree changing as it shows time is charging on in its steady pace- every minute past is one less minute for me to do the things I feel are set on my heart...  The things I do now I feel are so insignificant compared to the problems that challenge us as a humanity (I talk as if I am so in the know about these global challenges- I'm not!), but then it's not at all that I do not enjoy what I am in now.  I guess I just want to prove faithful in the small things!

OK study!!!

This is going to be an honest, serious-er entry. 

Just a follow-up from my previous entry, and with what Joy commented about Hillsong College (it's a college run by the Hillsong Church of Sydney- a super big church very famous for their worship in music) that does not allow dating either.  I was a bit... thrown off.  The reason being was my first response was that I was alright with that, but not alright with a group from International Islamic University not allowing dating.  So am I biased?

Probably I am- I feel sometimes I am unfairly harsh if other religious groups impose rules on their members, but surprisingly quite forgiving if a Christian group I am partial to imposes certain rules like that.  I was trying to write a reason to defend Hillsong College's decision to not allow their students to date, but I felt that I could not write a sufficiently acceptable reason to those who are not Christians.  The most obvious reason is that dating itself is not bad, but it may lead to temptations to do not so other great stuff, but wouldn't that be the same reason for this same group in the International Islamic University to not allow dating? So then why am I so adverse to this aforesaid group imposing the same thing?

Something else to compound this- I don't think it says anywhere in the Bible it says that dating is not allowed (correct me if I'm wrong!), although it does say to keep ourselves holy for God. 

In fact if Melbourne University banned dating, I would be rather peeved (not that I would be affected) but I think it's a natural OK thing to do.

I guess it's a lot about being 'beyond reproach'.  I mean honestly, I think a lot of people will come away sniggering if they went to the International Islamic University or Hillsong College and saw couples canoodling or busy declaring their affection for each other physically in public.  All the more as the institution represents a certain faith- hence the tighter rules on their members?

[EDIT:  Joy sent me a clarification regarding Hillsong's intentions behind their no-dating policy for their first year students:

However if these rules are made to condemn others and create a 'holy huddle'- then I would disagree with the rule being imposed at all (this would probably be more in regards to that group in IIU because I don't know why they did that).

Conclusion: I understand why these groups don't allow dating within their vicinity, as long as it is not done in the spirit of condemnation.  I think my first reaction to the articled mentioned in the previous entry stemmed from my impression that they were holier-than-thou- though I could be very biased.

Have you heard of this guy John Calvin?  He was one of the most prominent figures in the Protestant church after Martin Luther- I think he was based in Switzerland.  Anyway this guy made those under his jurisdiction do morning devotions everyday and would do rounds to make sure they did them.  Hmmm... 

(By the way I find it mighty ironic that the church I belong to, the Protestant church, should be named so- is that what best represents us?  I long for the day when we no longer label what 'type' of church we belong to except that we are the church of God...  But we humans are too complicated.  This warrants another entry's worth of discussion.)

Related to this...

I've been thinking a lot about what I hold to, why I believe I should do certain things, and why I shouldn't do others.  I guess it's the whole being 'beyond reproach' thing (i.e. hopefully living a life that others will not find fault with)- and yes institutions (like Hillsong College or OCF) might impose their 'rules' on me for that reason- but it's the spirit of the law that matters. 

I think it's a biiiit of a personal struggle with me as I find it quite hard to explain to others why I don't do certain things, like I don't go clubbing (though I've entered a club once briefly), and if people asked me whether I would go, I would say I'd prefer not to and explain why.  But if they ask me whether I think THEY should not go clubbing...  I'll find it hard to answer as there is always that tension between standing for what you believe in and not stepping on other people's toes...  Because these things teeter on the 'personal stance' end of the spectrum (as opposed to BIG no-nos like murder and rape), something like (though not as quite) those who abstain from drinking to prevent themselves from getting drunk.

But I think at the end of it all- it boils down to my heart for God and for others, and if I live a life that sufficiently reflects my God, then other people will understand my various intricate to-dos and not-to-dos, and hopefully be inspired to live a life that reflects Him too.  But life should not be lived by the rulebook- it should be something natural and ingrained, knowing I am trying to be perfect as my Father is, while also bearing in mind that I am always caught in His grace.

So I resolve to be more diligent, more PUNCTUAL (hahahaha), and seek to love others extravagantly even when it is not easy to and might not be reciprocated in the most evident of ways.  It does not seem related, but this is- I regret that I avoid people that I am not very comfortable with or comfortable anymore with- am praying for boldness to reach out to others and yeah, not be so inward-looking!  I definitely fall SHORT of God's perfection but I want to know that I am at least trying.

For the lack of restraint- :)

Enough said.  I feel better now.  I can now study my Health Practice properly- just organised my notes.

On a lighter note- today was hot but I do like it this way. 

Group wants no dating rule at varsity (The Star, 1/11/2009)