and as always, what i find the same thing: loneliness. alienation. desperation. the feeling in the depths of your heart that you don't belong and that you're life is going nowhere. i guess i've always felt it in me, but it seems to have gotten worse without me noticing it. it crept up on me like an undetected disease, only showing its symptoms when it's already a bit too late.

it's ironic i'm feeling this way when i'm back in the homeland. right here, where i was born and raised, i feel i don't belong. already i'm telling myself i'm a baby for feeling this way, that i should just suck it up and grow up...that i'm letting my emotions get me down...but it's really something i can't deny. i can't sweep this one under the rug.

a few months ago, i knew myself. i knew who i was in the world, who my friends are, and what i'm gon do with my life. now i'm not so sure. i feel so weak and indecisive. maybe i've always been indecisive and it's only now that it's getting exposed. i really don't know anything anymore. i just know my heart bleeds. it bleeds for the life i left behind, and the life i don't know how to push forward.

i am homesick. hard as i try to convince myself that i love this place, i cannot wholeheartedly say that i don't want to leave. this place sucks coz i make it so...maybe i even want it so. in between bouts of drinking and partying, i find myself unhappy. i'm unhappy with the way my life is going and even though i have the power to change it, i feel so helpless. like i just want to give up.

and it's crazy coz it aint like i'm really alone. i have friends, i have family. i got a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and money in my pocket. yet my heart is heavy and filled with discontent. i don't know what wrong with me.

well i kinda do. i just don't know if i can truly do anything about it. i have no legs...and no spine. i ought to just off myself and be done

with it all. but i won't. i'm a coward.

i really hate myself.

10.02 PM

save me from my fantasy land.

i'm trapped. trapped in my own little world, filled with naive notions of the universe.

i'm drowning. drowning in a sea of romanticism i've created in my mind. and i continue to stay in.

refusing to get on the life raft of what people call reality.

i continue to tread water in the oceans of my dreams, hoping that one day you and fate would come rescue me.

but i know you will never come.

you don't even know where i am, how i am, and how i feel about you because i'm too much of a coward to tell you.

and fate? well, truth is... fate/life/universe, is indifferent.

"who gives a fuck if you drown. you make your own choices."

and i choose to drown.

why?

i don't know. i think it's because i'm really nothing but a sad pathetic romantic wannabe who would rather stay miserable by keeping you in my heart, than to move on without you in it.

deep down in my heart, i'm wishing you feel the same too.

i know you don't. i just choose to continue to wish it so. like a foolish dreamer.

i stand still, letting everything pass me by. even you.

and i can't help myself. coz i don't want to. i'd rather be in pain than forget you.

someone slap me from this self-absorbed self-pity. shake me the fuck up.

...

(3.49 A.M.)

: I don't give a fuck if it's impossible to achieve, my wife's got to be that confidant. Impossible coz I'm a bastard with deep-seated emotional, psychological issues. Not to mention commitment issues that got me running if I so much imagine we're getting close...even if it's just in my mind. I can never picture myself revealing myself completely to someone. Even at the two times in my life I believed I was, I wasn't. Here's an epiphany I just had a second ago and I hate to admit this to myself, but I'm afraid I won't be loved. Simple and cliché as that is, it is what it is. And talk about repressed memories, I just had a flash of my twelve year old self crying in the closet after finding out my dad cheated on my mom...now I'm tearing up as we speak. What the fuck? am I having a Freudian moment right here? Is that the root of all this feeling of unloved crap? Some unresolved issues with my father that I'm afraid has become so convulted and distorted that there's no way of squashing it completely?

: deep-seated? got another confused phrase for blades of glory...deep seeded, you know, it's so deep like it's buried like a seed. hahahaha. i just laughed in my head.

: I think to be an alcoholic, one needs to have some sort of drive and spirit to start drinking...I don't have that, luckily for me. I'm too uncommitted even to be completely fucked. I can't hit rock bottom. I'm just committing suicide...in small, gradual steps.

: I feel like I can get myself out of this rut anytime I want if I chose to do so, I just don't bother to do so. I choose to stay in this shit coz I don't really care to.

Wow, that helped. admitting to myself that i'm inflicting this shit to myself, and that i don't really care that i'm doing this to myself seemed to have cleared that ghost for now.

amazing.

and yep, i'm going fucking crazy.

...

(1.35 AM)

It's been a long hiatus...but here I am again, to my anonymous online journal that no one among my friends knows about. I've returned to it as I, like so many times before, find myself restless and needing to vent. Sadly, I have no one to turn to...well, no one I absolutely trust to open myself to...huh. lemme stop and go with my stream of consciousness here - just realized how sad that really is, to have no one you trust enough to be vulnerable to expose even the ugliest and weakest and helpless and most scared and insecure aspects of yourself. I think most people don't have that either, but I'm an optimistic cynic. Yes yes, that's an oxymoron I know, but wutever, another topic, another time.

I digress. My purpose for logging back on is because the ghost of restlessness, of doubt, of listlessness, of lethargy, of desolation, of despair is haunting me again. For a while, it did not bother me. Either that or I just stopped paying it mind for a while. It's back. It's funny, I feel like I have not moved on an inch since I started this thing four years ago. I feel I have not progressed...no significant process anyway. I'm still unmotivated, purposeless and without direction. I am STILL lost. Fucking LOST. I am abandoned. My life remains at a stand still.

I have not learned anything. If I did, I forgot it. So wut good does that do me.

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK.

I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs...and I don't know why. I am years of repression waiting to be released. I don't even know now why I started this entry coz it's not helping. I can't seem to construct coherent sentences...I feel like drinking. I think I would have a drinking problem if I wasn't such a coward. I can't commit to anything. Wow, this is as ADD I've been. My mind keeps jumping from one topic to another. Unfocused and disoriented. I am so scrambled right now. Wut's sad is that I'm sober. What the fuck. I wonder if this is a symptom of depression but I'm just repressing it or experiencing it in a different way? Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing and blowing this thing out of proportion? Here I am again invalidating my emotions. Wow, am I going crazy, personality disorder psycho babble?

Nah, I just need my confidant. Unfortunately, I don't have one.

Loneliness amongst people is a bitch. I am not alone, but I feel so lonely.............

And I don't know why.

...

(1.13 AM)

And it's winning.

In every aspect of my life.

...

(6.40 P.M.)

Is it weird to like someone for so long...to flirt, spend time, put in effort, invest emotion and just have this chemistry and connection between the two of you and you wanted to take it further at one point or another, and you felt the other person wanted it too, but for one reason or another it just never happened and she ended up with someone else...is it weird not to feel anything about it?

I'm searching within me...pain, hurt, jealousy, knots in my stomach, aching of my heart, I don't know something...I guess I'm expecting something stronger...a more intense reaction to it rather than just this mild "I knew this would happen" feeling. Regret might possibly fit the bill since I know I could've done more to win her heart, but even regret seems too strong of a sentiment compared to what I feel.

I wouldn't say it's nothing, but damn...if I haven't decided to write about it and contemplated on it just now, I would've just gone to sleep and left it alone. Maybe in the back of my head I still think I got her, that my unconscious is fooling me with lies and illusions...maybe it still hasn't sunk in yet...maybe it won't kick in until I finally experience that dreaded feeling of rejection, that moment when reality sets in and lets me know that things are now different. That the things I used to be able to do I can no longer do, and when that comes up, it will definitely sting.

Been there before, yep, just had a flashback...it does bite hard. That cold shoulder is a motherfucker. I think about this, and I guess now it does tug on the heart a bit, but still not quite what I thought it would be. Shouldn't losing someone you like, someone you've been attracted to for quite a while, shouldn't that hurt?

And as always, being the brooding motherfucker that I am, I look for the negative. Even though this should be looked at as a positive (right?) I search for the pain where it doesn't exist. Wow. Am I really twisted like that?

It's funny, I've been down this road before. Only I didn't get to fuck this time around. Ok, granted I was ambivalent about whether I should or not due to what happened the first time, but I will also not deny that there were times that I wanted to, I just didn't know how. Goddamn, I can't believe this shit, even now I'm still ambivalent about the whole thing. Shit, maybe that's why I don't feel so strongly about not getting her. I was gon say losing her, but I think in order for you to lose someone, you have to have her first...and she was never mine soo yea.

I just looked back a few posts...I did invest emotion in it. And it sounded like I was really in it too, even using the word "falling" (whoa...hahaha)...that should count for something right? then why the fuck am I not hurting? Is this all I could muster for it, wondering why I am not hurt? Is this my way of expressing my hurt feelings? Fuck, if the answer is yes, I have serious emotional issues...but if the answer is no, goddamn, I need a heart transplant. Wow. Or maybe it was nothing, and I was only overthinking it last time I checked, and now it has dawned on me that it was just nothing. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that. Oh shit, I've overanalyzed this shit too much now. hahahaha. I can't even tell which is real and which is just speculation. Blah, time to tie this up.

Aight, so my mind clearly jumps from one to another and there is little cohesion between paragraphs...but the bottom line I think is this:

I need to commit to my emotions a little more. By that I mean doing something about it rather than sitting on it. The girl is not going to know how you feel if you don't express it to her. Implicitly, explicitly, whatever.

But before I do that, I need to act decisively. Too often I've been stuck in the middle and procrastinated my choices, and I'm left with nothing but regret. While I may not be sure about how I feel about her in the beginning, I'm pretty sure she can change my mind. Who knows, with these past two experiences, I might have truly fallen for them, or they could made the decision for me. I dunno, it's better than speculation.

New motto: I'd rather regret the things I did than the things I didn't do.

Less thinking, more doing. Damn, I guess I need to stack up on courage. Tomorrow is a new day and although I've said this numerous times before, maybe just maybe this will be the time I do make that change.

Fuck me sideways. Here I go...again.

...

(2.05 AM)

To get a woman, you have to be willing to risk losing her.

...

(2.51 AM)

what do you know? it works.

and guess what, it needs further testing. so we'll see. 

...

(1.46 AM) 

it hit me, i must let you go.

it seems you and I are not meant to get together,

it seems whenever I'm here, you're there,

and when I'm around, you're not.

maybe I just need to work on my timing,

or maybe I just need to be more patient.

maybe so...

it seems to me it's time to let you go.

it's been too long, too far, too slow

something tells me it'll never happen.

i could be wrong, but nothing tells me otherwise;

i guess this will be a true test of where should we go

depends on what happens next when i see you

what i feel in me, what i feel from you

it may be absence makes the heart grow fonder

or it may be out of sight, out of mind,

or it could just be nothing...for it was really just that, nothing

i could be overthinking things, now or then - both

it doesn't really matter now...

for i am letting you go.

- i chose to isolate myself from everyone coz i wanted to rediscover that part of me that existed before i became greek. it was hard at first, still kinda hard now, to sit at home and not be social. but slowly, i'm finding what i intended to seek. in the beginning, i also wanted to see if you would reach out to me. i expected you would but you didn't. admittedly, i held out for mind games... but now i'm really just starting not to care. it's funny, i doubted the purpose and logic behind my isolation, what's the point and is there really a lesson to be learned, but now i see.

what i've done is extract myself from my current 'box/filter/lens'...you see, when you're in deep into something, you rarely notice the big picture...you just go with the flow and see where it takes you. you don't see the signs along the way, nor do you see what things for what they truly are. you just in it.

now...by pulling myself out of the thick of things, i've managed to acquire for myself a sort of outsider perspective. and i must say, it's rather disappointing to find myself in the position i'm in...for where i am externally is not where i'm at internally. and that's a big problem.

i needed to see what truly matters...and what should matter. i've always trusted my emotions would lead me to the right path, but i'm sadly mistaken.

now that i've extracted myself, i feel like i can start fresh, a clean slate. now i can move with some form of clarity. i needed to see that there was really nothing going on between us. there might be something there, but it's not enough for me to be feeling this way. i guess i'm feeling you more than i should or could let myself be, and with other people around you, it's not a risk my sensitive heart can take. i guess it's either i keep away from you for a while, make a move based on these emotions, or keep status quo. and getting no feedback from you, i'd keep status quo. in order to do that, i need to wipe my heart clean. so here i am, shaking it off.

by shaking off my feelings from you, perhaps, maybe i can truly just be friends with you. for a while i fooled myself into thinking i'm only really just trying to be friends with you...but shit, i was only digging myself deeper. i wouldn't doubt it if all it was just casual shit for you. at the time it was for me too. but it seems my heart never really strikes when the iron is hot. it waits for your heart to cool off before it even heats up.

hahaha. what the hell am i talking about?

once again i digress. i didn't mean for this to be a long winded introspection. anyway...i guess what i'm saying was i was in the process of falling...but now it has stopped. partly coz you're not the only one in my heart and i'm not the only one in yours, if i ever was. partly coz our timing is always off, partly coz we don't really reach out to one another, partly coz we're just not in sync. but mostly, we just don't commit. i know for sure i don't. i don't see it in you either. and i see that now. we're not going anywhere. and sadly, i'm okay with that.

brilliant. my lack of commitment again leads me to disappointment. whoopee. this is NEWS to me...pssh. 

on another digressive moment, i'm now thinking about another girl...this is why i'm so conflicted. anyway...

from my extraction, i come away with my big-picture life realization, i.e. need to focus on graduation and being productive, not partying too much and spending time building my relations with people outside greek life ...and big-picture relationships realization --- so what to do now? wipe my heart clean. check. keep status quo. check. keep emotions in check. check. keep your head about you when making decisions and in choosing to do things with people. check. keep on trucking?

check.

...

(4.45AM)

"I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments."

- Rob Gordon, "High Fidelity" 

Word.

...

(7.22 PM)