Beach Junky\'s junk...

-=Worlds colliding...=-

Sat, 15 Jan 2005 06:54:29 +0000

I'm in a state of happiness..
yet in a world of depression..

It seems as though each rising moment for me
has it's coinciding downfall...
I need a hug.. anyone want to give me one?
I feel so down right now...
don't know if I am who I am...

Everyone sees me as I am..
except those I really want to see me as who I am...
The two people who brought me into this world...
they don't know me...
the more i think about this fact..
the more my world darkens with regret and sadness..

I just wish they could see me and know me..
as the person that I have grown up to be...
I know they weren't there to see me bloom..
but I can't blame them
they have their lives too
I just hope that they could dig deeper
deeper than what they see with their eyes
not just a schoolboy...
not just as a son..
not just as an athlete..
not just as a poet..
not just as everything they believe i am..

I wish... they could explore further..
and see me... as I really am...

dear mom and dad...
when will you ever take the time to get to know me..
i told you of my long time friends...
you didnt even know who they were...
I told you of my recent accomplishments..
you didnt even know that they happened...
you told me of all the wrongs i've been doing
you told me of all the bad things that i do
you told me of all the negative aspects of who i am...

i knew about all of them...
and the more you brought it up...
the more you talked about it..
the more I hurt so much deep down inside...

I wish for so many things...
the material ones, you get to give to me..
i'm more than thankful for that..
but I wish that you could just stop the world,
and try to get to know me..
take the risk of getting hurt..
getting hurt with the fact that your son,
isn't after all who you thought he was...
take the risk...
and just get to know me...
not the man that you know you see..
but the son... that i've grown to be...

-=Ecstatic and unbreakable fidelity...=-

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 20:41:43 +0000

lovely as the night had fallen to be
you were so perfect, so perfect for me
i could not ask for more than to be with you
i\'ve grown a faith, that\'s sincere and true
each moment that passed, a memory flown
exploring the darkness, into the unknown
hand in hand, a foot after the other
no one to care, no one to bother

your beauty grew, as the night fell darker
it took me to a higher blissful horizon
i was still me, yet someone better
all worries and problems, suddenly were gone

your hand in mine, walking together
we lived the night, saving forever
the trees and leaves were rustling
the wind was gently blowing
my heart was heavily beating
for you, my soul was singing

in my arms, i felt you breathing
your heart, steadily pounding
your hair, with sweetness wreaking
without any form of trying
you made me a better human being

i was a regular guy
of ordinary dreams
able to be happy, able to cry

all that i\'ve ever done
all that i\'ve ever believed in
all that i\'ve ever said
all that i\'ve ever felt
everything that i really knew
just became so much better
since the day that I found you...

-=Words that I want to say left unspoken=-

Thu, 2 Dec 2004 17:04:54 +0000

A picture of a million words
a moment frozen in time
stasis, captured perfection
forever, sublime expression

The horizon shows how I feel
endless, free, ecstatic
The waters are my feelings
visceral, blissful, surreal

words can only but try
to express the meanings
of an image caught in time

it is Beautiful
it is Incredible
it is Amazing
it is Necessary
it is Captivating
it is Adorable
and is just so much more...

words that i wish to say
left in a brick-consolidated world
words of admiration, happiness and hope
only for my mouth to speak
and someone's ears to hear
words that I want to say
all still left unspoken

-=From today, to forever, in all eternity... that\'s a dream...=

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 19:34:45 +0000

How do we know that we don\'t live in a dream of any sort?
What will we do if we wake up one day and realize that the life we think we have now is the closest thing that we have to reaching heaven?
We don\'t know... and I doubt we\'ll ever know...
For man has grown vulnerable to the incapabilty to break the bounderies that separate dreams, from reality...
Sure enough it\'s a far-fetched idea, but I\'m just posing this matter as a WHAT IF thing...

I, for one, dreamt of life today... and lived a dream today...
that, need not be explained by man, will hold true for me...

I don\'t know how nor do I know why...
call me weird after you read this, but that\'s fine with me...

at 11:30 pm... I wrote in my journal this short story...

\"Life is the bliss that we make it to be. These small and simple words describe the story of the lives of two young people falling in love over and over again as friends but nothing more. Till one divine day, the chains of consternation were broken into bits and a ring, known to represent infinity and eternity, was made to represent something more deeper within two individuals, something more worthwile, something that words will never be able to explain.

Joey is 18 years old, a jock, aggresive, predictable and any other trait that an adolescent would most probably have. Maegan is 17 years old, happy, simple, modest and all other traits that a conservative teenage girl would probably possess. Joey and Maegan practically spent their whole childhood lives together, taking bathes at the lakes, playing games that would last till night, eating ice cream and pop corn while watching movies that had no real meaning to them and even talking on the phone till the wee hours in the morning. They were a couple, so to speak, a couple that always stayed as friends.
It was another case of practised mediocrity whereas both the guy and the girl were not willing to tell the certain other how he/she was really feeling about the person. Another cliche moment, stereotypical lifestyle and worn-out routine. Joey and Maegan were just two young people who were not strong enough to lose the other on grounds that their real emotions be shown to one another.
Maegan was turning 18 in a week and Joey had no idea what to give her for her debut birthday. He thought hard and long to think of the perfect gift for her to have. His ever so dreamy mind went from jewelry to letters to stuffed toys to food to all the things that he knew Maegan liked having. But Joey realized that giving her something that she always wanted or liked having would just be too plain. Sure enough it would make her happy but if he wanted to go anywhere in life with the feelings he was keeping inside, this was his chance. It was his chance to show Maegan the side of him that falls for her each and every single day that they spent together.
Maegan on the other hand was too stuck up with all the preparations that she was taking to celebrate her 18th birthday. To her, this was very important. Well actually, everything that she knew would happen only once in her life was very, very important. It was a week away but she had finished all the tasks needed to be done. She gave out a soft sigh of relief and hope, the hope that her 18th birthday (her only one), would be an event she\'ll forever remember.
We fast forward to the night of Maegan\'s debut. Everything is going as planned. All of her friends and relatives were having a great time, just as she wanted them to be. The food was great, music marvelous and venue just absolutely breath-taking. Things were going so perfectly it was as if she was living inside a dream and she never wanted to wake up. Time went so fast the it was already time for 18 special people to go up the set-up stage and make Maegan feel better than she was already feeling. Joey of course, was part of this line-up, and yet, was nowhere to be found.
There were speeches that came from old family friends, high school friends, parents and siblings. Each and every one made a tear drop fall upon Maegan\'s cheek as she was filled with happiness. Seventeen very fast expressions of feelings through words went by and each and every one was a stepping stone that led Maegan to a natural high in life. But there was room for just one more person, the one friend she had always treasured amongst all her friends, the one person she always turned to when she was heart-broken, sad, angry or just plain bored, the one person she knew was and will always be there for her no matter what happened, the one guy she knew loved her for the way she was-but as far as she knew, only to the extent of being a friend. Joey.
He was no where in sight and no one had any idea to where he was at the time. But Joey wasn\'t the type to create his own grand entrance, he was simply hiding just so he can have the last spot, the last speech, the last and only chance he had that night to get what he wanted- the last place he wanted to be in, Maegan\'s life.
Emerging from the crowd, amidst all the cheering, whispering, wooing and shouting, Joey came up the stage trembling with emotions he had never dealt with before. It was now or never. With the simple glare of Maegan\'s smile to Joey, he felt at ease as though the world came to a complete stop and there was just him and Maegan in a space of their own where she can hear what Joey\'s words and feelings truly wanted to say. The silence was deafening, but this was what Joey needed, just him and Maegan, in a place of their own.
Slowly the words of a man who fell in love over and over again with the woman in front of him started to be heard...
\'Life is just too short for people to take risks all the time. It\'s just too short to have fun everyday, talk everyday, live life the way we should everyday, as Maegan and I have come to do a lot. It\'s just too short for all of us to be graced by the beauty of such a girl like Maegan on a night like this or in our everyday lives for I have never seen such emotional and physical beauty in another person as I have in Maegan. Life is just too short for so many things. But I do know this... Life is just too short for me not to speak out what I have been feeling for Maegan from the moment I had laid my eyes upon this angel sent from the heavens. (the crowd goes in disbelief to what they\'re hearing) Sure enough life is too short for me to take this risk of bringing our friendship to a different level, or rather, to an unbelievable plateau, but this is the risk that I had always been willing to take and yet never took. Maegan, from the moment I had met you, I was reborn. I was brought into a new world where in all the things I did, you were a part of it somehow. I grew into a world where I wanted to be by your side day and night just to make sure you had a good night sleep and a great day ahead. I started living in a world where each second, minute, hour and day spent with you was one that I had hoped would freeze and stay still for eternity. Because I\'m telling you now, amongst all the shock and speechlessness you may have right now... each day spent with you, was for me, a real dream come true. If you\'re still not getting the message, then I guess I\'ll have to say it out so the whole world will hear it. I LOVE YOU MAEGAN.
I loved you from the moment that I saw you... I loved you from the moment that you came into my life and blessed me with all the wonder and magnificence this world could only dream of possessing...
There aren\'t enough words nor time in this world for me to measure the love that I have had for you all these years...
Life will always be too short for me to try to show you how much I love you... it will always be... and that is why I am doing this right now. So that you would know where I want to be and where I would want you to be. I want to spend my life with you Maegan, and I\'m just wishing that you feel the same way too. I\'d want to wake up each morning and see you by my side.. each morning, as I open my eyes! I\'d want your hand to fall softly in mine and just stay there, forever. I\'d want to be with you everyday, give you flowers, make you laugh, tell you how great you look, write you letters and do all those little things that would add up to make you happy, because that\'s what I would want you and I to be, just happy, together. From today, to forever, in all eternity, I would want to spend this life, my life, with the one person that I have loved in ways that this universe can never ever explain. Life is just too short Maegan. And as short as it is, I would want to live it with you, the one and only love of my life.\'
With so many emotions coming down upon Joey, Maegan and all those who was witnessing what was happening, Joey found it in himself to complete what he had wanted to do.
Joey went to Maegan and hugged her like he had never had before. He knelt down. Took out something out of his pocket, and as the crowd is now full of doubt and happiness at the same time, no one was holding Joey back, not even himself. With that, and a flip of a box, the most beautiful diamond ring gazed upon the eyes of those who saw true love.
\'From today... to forever... in all eternity... I would want to spend the rest of my life with you Maegan...God knows that I\'m so crazy for you and that I am so madly in love with you... and so I ask you... will you give me that chance, to spend all the rest of my days... till my last dying breathe... with you?\'
THE END!!!!

Hope you guys liked the story!It may be weird and everything but I guess when you have inspiration by your side and no formalities in writing whatsoever, you form literature in the most unpredictable manner. I\'m sorry but I can really be a hopeless romantice sometimes... hehe...But anyways it\'s around 3am right now and I woke up from a 2 hour sleep. Well, I think it\'d be better for me to say that I just woke up from a 2 hour dream!
Here\'s the weird thing...
I dreamt of what I wrote on my journal!!!
I don\'t know how or why but I just did.
Maybe it\'s a psychological thing or maybe it\'s not.
For all I know now, it\'s an inevitable breach of bounderies from reality to what I have come to know as dreams! ohwel... maybe I\'m just over reacting too! maybe I\'m going crazy too! haha...
I guess I just needed someone or something to vent out to and since the computer was the closest thing to me as I woke up... so here I am! haha...
Anyways, I\'m really tired and I haven\'t had any decent sleep for 3 day straight now so I\'ll go and try my luck... Take care everyone! gnyt... sweet DREAMS....

-=Dying today...=-

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 09:50:28 +0000

I would usually write about how happy I am about love and life. I\'d usually write about experiences unforgotten with friends and well, family. But today was definitely a \"good day to die\" for me.

Walking up the stairways of Bellarmine hall was one walk i shouldn\'t have taken. Even with all the redirections causing me all the more stress from being a \"late registrant,\" what came to me was beyond the capabilities of this vulnerable physique of a man you can call \"Job.\" I\'m usually strong for myself and for others. I usually stand up for what I believed in just because I knew it was right, even if it wasn\'t for my sake. But those are \"usually\" occasions.

Today was not a USUAL occasion.

Excited and exhausted at the same time. I rushed up Bellarmine hall to get my grades and reg form. To hell with the reg form, registering yourself for school is as easy s 1-2-3. But the moment that I saw my grades from last sem...

my world crashed...
my world trembled...
my world fell apart...
my world died...

1.27... that was the QPI that I had worked so hard for.
it\'s not even close to the average QPI you need to stay in ateneo which is 1.8. AND definitely so far away from the average QPI that I NEED to stay in my course which is 2.5
I saw my footsteps get shorter and shorter...
My walking slower and slower...
My breathing heavier and heavier...
each time that I saw those 3 D\'s which I just never saw coming.

Tell me...

Am I this stupid? am I this dumb?

sometimes I think that I\'m just too over confident about my academic capabilities... but the thing is... I DON\'T TALK ABOUT MY ACADEMIC CAPABILITIES... If i do have any which I just wish i do... I keep them to myself... and seeing those grades just made me feel like shit...

Do I even deserve the right to be in Biology?
Yeah sure, I sound down and out... BUT HELL NO I\'M NOT!

I\'ve said it too many times to those who keep on telling me to get an easier course but I\'ll say it again... \"I would rather fail biology with my utmost sincere and true efforts rather than just pass with pity from others and get another course that may be more suiting to me...\"

I have a dream... my parents have a dream... I want those dreams to come true... and if I put my heart into it... they just might...
I will just not go down without a fight...

Others say... \"here come\'s another sem of terror...\"
I say...
Bring it on! I\'m not out of the game... not even close! I\'ll be sticking around until I get what I have to do done.
I love my friends...
I love my blockmates...
I love my parents...
I love my whole family...
I love God...

and I am NOT going to let any of them down...

\"Let this day be a scar on my vulnerable self, that I may see it not as a morbid reminder of failure... but as a horrific symbol of hope... of challenge... of destiny and my ability to achieve it. Let this day be over, and let tomorrow come, that I may see it as an opportunity to learn more and be more... I may be down, and nearly out... but so what? I\'ll never quit... and the best thing is... I never have... bring on the hardships! I will step on them as they have stepped on me... no one can ever bring me down... only I can do that to myself... I will not allow it... I will not tolerate it... I am my own self... and I know that I can do this...\"
-Job wi 10/27/04

\"Job Julian never quits\" - this has been my motto since I was 7... it\'s time to show that I really never quit.... never did... never have... and never will be...

-=I miss you... today...=-

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 16:36:58 +0000

It\'s the first day since school started that on a weekday i didn\'t get to see you... and already... i\'m missing you like crazy... i don\'t even know why i\'m writing about you when you don\'t even know that you\'re the one i\'m writing about... i don\'t know why i\'m showing the world these feelings i have for you when it is only in my dreams that you return them... i don\'t know why... but it is what i think i have to do, to get the answers to my questions... am i really falling for you? what is it about you that i\'m missing so much right now? so many questions... all left unanswered... and only you can give me what i want, what i need... I\'m wishing that when i do see you tomorrow, you are still happy... the way i want you to be and the way you should be... I\'m hoping that when i do see you tomorrow, God will freeze time and let me see you and everything you are... for eternity...

I miss you... today...

Woke up this morning and realized
that I wasn\'t going to see you today
that just left me so mesmerized
and sulking just about the whole day
didn\'t know why I was feeling bad
didn\'t know why I was feeling down
I wasn\'t angry, I wasn\'t mad
but there, on my face, was a deep frown

there was no pain nor sorrow
there was only my hope
for the coming of tomorrow

that\'s when I suddenly knew
what was the feeling that grew
was thinking about you the whole time
and made me do this simple rhyme
I was not down, I was not sad
neither was I close to being had

I was missing you... today...
I really was...
It was your face that I missed
the way it glared under the sun
It was your presence that I missed
the way we always had fun
It was your voice that I missed
the way it sounded like a song
It was your smell that I missed
the way it stuck to my clothes
for oh, just too long
It was you whom I missed...
today and yesterday...
but today was different
you weren\'t there
but how I wish you were

I missed so many things about you
well, everything about you...

I missed you... and only you...
today...
but truly...not just today...
till forever...
till you finally, come my way...

-=Things will go my way...=-

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 04:32:14 +0000

My song for the moment...

The Calling - Things Will Go My Way Lyrics

I came to tell you
How it all began
Nothing seems to work out right
I\'m broken down again
So hold me now
And say it\'s not forever
Maybe someday
In time

Things will go my way
Things will go my way

I\'ve pushed to get through
The crowds in twisted souls
Just to find I\'m right back here
Doing what I\'m told
So take my hands
Don\'t let me surrender
\'Cuz maybe someday
Yeah, in time

Things will go my way
Things will go my way

For all the lies
I\'ve tasted
Just looking for the truth
For all the dreams I\'m chasing
Well what am I to do
When everything\'s against me
The answers are all wrong
I\'m hoping that I\'ll find out
It was worth it all along

So hold me now
And say it\'s not forever
Maybe someday
In time

Things will go my way
Things will go my way
Things will go my way

For all the lies
I\'ve tasted
Just looking for the truth
For all the dreams I\'m chasing
Well what am I to do
When everything\'s against me
The answers are all wrong
I\'m hoping that I\'ll find out

Things will go my way
Things will go my way

Don\'t leave me waiting in vain anymore... It\'s not what I want to be doing when in fact I see you day by day and each time you pass me by the side of me who\'s such a wishful lover comes out... Let intimidation not be your reason for staying away... because when you\'re there... I am nothing but a man who\'s falling for you... with your words, you tame the wildest beast that lies within me... with your beauty, I am robbed of words to say and actions to take... know this, there is no other person that I have been as afraid to fall for as you... show me what I need to see... I\'ll make worth of it... but then who am I to force you on what you should be doing... I\'ll just pray to God on my longing nights... hoping that truly some day... in time... things will go my way...

-=So close yet so far...=-

Mon, 4 Oct 2004 02:25:18 +0000

I can\'t stop thinking of you and i\'m pretty much sure you know that..
I get weak when i see you and this numbness is a feeling i like..
You may be just a few inches away and yet i tremble to touch you...
I have everyday another chance to try to make something happen...
Yet the mere sight of you shreads out every last drop of courage and sanity left within this soul of a wishful lover...
I\'m going desperate just thinking about the fact that you\'re there and I\'m here and nothing is happening cause I can\'t do anything...
I hope for the flowers to bloom as you bless them with your beauty...
I pray to the heavens that they give you less a part of them... not only are you perfect the way you are, but you are perfect as well in ways that you aren\'t yourself...
I wish to the stars that they twinkle bright for your nights to be beautiful... just like you are...
It hurts for me to think that I\'m being like this... running with desperation to a girl who can\'t even see me...
To you, I\'m only the wind, relaxing and admiring you, you know that I\'m there and you feel me being there... but you don\'t see me... me, meaning the real me... behind what you feel...
Give me this chance to let you see what I want you to see...
The side of me that loves (not you... yet!) being around you...
The side of me that admires you and hopes that you see my valant efforts on showing you what it is that you do to me...
The side of me that goes crazy each time you walk by me...
The side of me that dreams... for you... and of you...
Still today I can do nothing but hope...
nothing but pray...
nothing but wish...
nothing but dream...
that even if you are so close to me...
and yet still so far...
you would one day... just come my way...

-=Wi\'ll get wet at WI got wet!=-

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 14:39:04 +0000

Party here and Party there!
Everyon\'ll get wet everywhere
You won\'t see the water
You won\'t see the beer
God save your souls
for my baloons will appear
You have got to be a good sport
cause drenching is a must
you can bounce to the beats
and move with the heat
but cooling down on water
is the thing you\'ll be doing
party freaks be whack
cause my party\'s coming up!
We\'re all gonna get wet!
and we\'re all gonna get wild!
party like there\'s no tomorrow!

seeya guys on friday! hehe... let\'s have a good one! ;)

WI got wet! Oct. 1 friday!Millbrae estates, Marcelo Green Village, Paranaque City, 8pm onwards! be there, get wet, get wild and party all night! don\'t be there? then I\'ll pray for your soul! just kidding! seeya guys!

-=Searching for that angel...=-

Tue, 7 Sep 2004 13:59:47 +0000

I want to see the light in my darkness...
The darkness of stress, problems and pressure...
I search within myself... for guidance above as well...
yet my search comes out empty...
telling me that what I long for is someplace else...
I looked far and wide wishing for salvation...
and found my angel in places that have always been there...

the angel is in my closest friends...
the angel is in my family...
the angel is in my tormenting yet kind teachers...
the angel is in my blockmates...
the angel is in my faith...
and the angel...
is in a girl...
she\'s the girl I wish I could have...
and yet...
she\'s the girl that I\'m not meant to have...
but she\'s an inspiration...
and the funny thing is... she has no idea that she is...

ohwel...

*to my friends, family, blockmates,teachers and God... thanks for helping me keep my feet on the ground and stay in there when I wanted to give up everything... I won\'t let failure get the best of me... that much I know... thanks for the little things you guys do for me... the talks, words of inspiration and hope, taps on the back, your listening ears, your shoulders on which i could lean on... all those things you guys have done for me... thanks a bunch... I\'m just hoping I can keep up with all the stuff I\'m going through now... I just know if I keep it in there good things will come my way...

I\'m lost in a bliss where I\'m supposed to be feeling good... I
don\'t... and because of this... I falter... I need that guiding hand
to lift me from my pains and show me the path I should be walking...
Fate, be kind to me as I search for the person whom I should
become... Let me commit my own mistakes and let me have my glories...
I will keep my head low and never give up... Because I know that the
greatest glory comes when I achieve it with my own strength... I will
live my life the way I want it... no turning back... no giving up...
I only have one life... I WILL live it!
August 31, 2004 --> a date for me to remember...