Everyday is a waiting game
Throughout the years it's been the same
For Sun to rise and yellow befalls
Upon this land, upon us all

Everyday is a waiting game
An ancient rule never ashamed
For Moon to come and darkness reign
The secrets we have to keep us sane

Everyday is a waiting game
A victory i have yet to claim
Because who is to know where's the line
Blurred between reality, just so fine

Everyday is a waiting game
Maybe I've learnt enough to reclaim
My mind, the sane mother of my heart
In the midst of it, I've played my part

Like a golden rule set in stone,
This game i have not outgrown
This sick game of waiting I am forced to play
Of rules and conditions I have no say

But for how long, how long more
Do i have to wait outside this door
All I wanted was just to soar
Run, fly,swim in the wildest shores
Oh all the things I've longed for
Just an inch more to the open door

And then I hear chains upon my ankles
Reality returns as Reverie crumbles
Barren plains blurs in to focus
Alas, Disappointment frolicks through this circus

Everyday is a waiting game
I guess for now it's more or less the same
Like a cage, with bars and chains like these
But this time, let Me hold the Keys.

xxx

9/11/09

In loving memory of Fluffy

14th dec 2001-29th oct 2009

I hate waking up to bad news. I would've slept until now this morning if it wasn't for the sad news my sister woke me up to tell. Fluffy, my cousin's beloved, beautiful Golden Retriever left us this fateful morning. The feeling was not unlike having a bucket of cold water splashed at me because i did not expect this at all. I guess no one could expect it at all. The last time i saw her,she was still up and going, fine as she ever was. Apparently, she passed away because of heart problems. According to my uncle, problems started arising only these few days when she started vomitting and was unable to move. This deeply scared me to just how sudden things like these could just happen without warning. Even if there was any, would we have noticed enough to take the heed? This will definitely make us be more alert about our remaining pet dogs. Why does it always have to take a death to remind us to take care of the people and things around us more?

Always delighted to see us when we went over to visit, her beautiful wagging golden tail was a sight never missed. She was the first ever dog our immediate family has had and I could still remember her love for chewing our toes with her milk teeth when she just arrived. Just like her name, she was just such an adorable ball of fluff everyone loved. As she grew,she became more and more elegant in her own ways. Always regarded as the 'big sister' of the dogs, she was so gentle and would never fail to give way for her younger dog brother, Russell and dog cousins,Bubbly and Jolie. They always loved hanging around her when they went over to stay. Her love for food was another trait we would never forget; always around with her pink tongue hanging from her mouth around the dining table, hoping that bits and pieces of food will drop down to the floor. My mum would always buy bread specially for them to eat and they loved her so much for that. So far, i could see my mum taking it pretty badly,even to the point of wondering if it was the bread that killed her,which i doubt.

I wonder how's everyone over there at my grandma's house taking it, after all,she was the darling dog of the family. Especially my cousin, Nicole, who loved her so much. She was also very attached to everyone else,especially my grandma, because she was the one who would prepare their dinner. Fluffy even once went through a day or two without food because my grandma was away from home on holiday. That was how sweet she could be. Sad as it was, somehow i was glad that it was short, that she went not long after the problems started to come. At least she didn't have to suffer so much. Hopefully she'd be somewhere peaceful and taken cared of. I'm sure she would.

Your golden fur curling around my fingers,

Sleeping through the afternoon,

Ever sweet through the years,

But taken away too soon.

xxx Fluffy, you'll be missed so much.

Oh call my name.
You know my name.
And in that sound, everything will change.
Tell me it won't always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are.

It's the crowded room that breaks me:
Everybody looks so luminous, and strangely young.
It's the crowded room that's never heard.
No one here can say a word of my native tongue.
I can't be among them anymore.
I fold myself away before it burns me numb.

Oh call my name.
You know my name.
And in your love, everything will change.
Tell me it won't always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are. 

 *Lyrics from Vienna Teng [Nothing Without You]

*Tried ripping her off by writing my own lyrics (or a poem that doesn't rhyme. Not so good at rhyming now,are we? Nah,don't bother.) somewhere along these lines. And suddenly I realized,geez,this somehow already captures how i feel inside. So i'll just post the whole thing up la. Easier. Maybe i'll try to write my own next time. We'll see.

More that often, my classmates would start by saying, "Wah so fast September ade!Scary lo...".And i'd nod and just agree along,spewing something along that line. But secretly inside,i have this nagging guilty feeling because somehow i feel that it's kinda slow for me. Maybe it's because of all the less than pleasant things that happened at that place that gave me the feeling of wanting to leave it as soon as possible. Not quite right, you would say so. Yeah. People who avoid and people who gets avoided. So tired of it. Would it better if we just faced it? Nah, i don't think i'd have the courage to do so.

Trials this Sunday and somehow i'm still just preparing for it. Geez at myself. Life's kinda peaceful now and i guess i'm not complaining like i would last time. I guess i've learnt to live with the peace finally. A pat on the head for myself,please. :)

Signing off,

ath xxx

-090909-

READ : You're the one who's psychotic. thank you very much.

And wth,for the thousand-and-one-th time i've told you, I CAN FREAKING READ CHINESE,OKAY??? Quit offending me in the language that i freaking actually know. Thanks.

(whoah. that doesn't sound like a post i'd write. But judging from this i think u can gauge just how much this guy annoyed me. Aye. Pardon me just this one nite,won't ya?zzz.)

1. In about approximately 24 mins more (if my maths dun fail me T.T) Miss Batu Ungu a.k.a. Ning Joe will be turning 91 OOPS. I meant 19. Hahahaha. (i hope she never reads this). probably the most demanding bday girl ever.bleh. Hahahah.and the best friend too. Happy birthday,siao cha bohhhhhh~!Tomoro stay at home and sleep la k?:P

2. Advertorial.Advertorial.Advertorial. Freaking read the word and you'd realize it's n advertisement of some sort! Read today's newspaper FRONTPAGE at the bottom and you'd see some report of a two-legged creature with many heads sighted in KL. Albeit the picture looking so photoshopped already,i actually fell for the ad when i first read it after my mum told me randomly about it...both of us not realizing it's an advertorial. Gawd,i din realize it until i excitedly told carmen about it. Smart huh? I feel like an idiot. Way to go,Ath.

3. All is calm now for me (or a bit too calm,but ah well.) for now. He really really got it clear this time. Or should I say he finally got what he needed to hear to let go and move on. I've got to admit i handled it so unmaturedly, but i won't keep blaming myself anymore for how things turned out because I know there isn't anything much left i can do to make it better without lying to anyone,him or me. I think the best i can do for him is to stay away as he wishes, but somehow it hurts every now and then to see him avoiding me on purpose at times. Ah well.

4. Freaking flasher who can't keep his freaking small d*ck to himself. Find a bathroom or a REALLY empty street or something where NO ONE can see you! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT SICK MIND OF YOURS?? Poor my eyeballs and traumatised mind. Sherene was right,i should've screamed and threw a stone right at him. It happened around 6-7.m. smth at the lower ground corridor at my school. Luckily I had Wenny with me at that time but damn,i was the unlucky one who saw it. I need dettol for my eyes,thanks.

5. Congratz btw to M'sia for being so unique that she is moving backwards as opposed to FORWARD with ENGLISH for most advanced countries. I have no idea what they were thinking and am freaking devastated about it. No love for reversal to BM,hng. Don't get me started about this. I've already hurt so many ppl's eardrums talking about this issue.

6. People come and people go.

So few come and don't go.

Won't we find each other some day and just stay?

I can't wait to give my love, but it's just not the right time and not the right person.

We'll find each other. Someday.

Promise.

Today's Bio class was postponed to Saturday,so I had the whole afternoon to myself. Well, not entirely, but there goes. These days are rare. *grips on it as hard as possible*It FINALLY RAINED TODAY! It's really been ages since i've actually seen rain and gawd, do i miss it. The weather's been so freaking hot these past few months it almost won over my sanity. One afternoon i was just complaining about it to my dad and when he told me this kind of weather could last til' September my jaw nearly dropped beyond rescue. September is MONTHS AWAY! How could it be that there won't be rain til then?? Has the weather always been this warm or has global warming finally reached my doorstep?  the world is coming to an enddd! *shivers*

And exactly how much do i miss the rain? Well,i miss it enough to even DREAM about it. Huge, fat raindrops falling on my head. Couldn't be any happier. Anyway, this was the first time in a long long time since it rained in the afternoon. What a cooling effect it has,phew~~But this was not the first rain in months though. The first rain came in the middle of the night. Jolie scratched my parents' door with her paw when it finally poured,as though informing my Dad that rain has finally come. Guess i wasn't the only one excited about the rain. Bubbly,as usual, couldn't really care any lesser and slept on.

Happy Father's Day, Dad! (card made by Yours truly)

It can actually be quite a liberation without relationship problems,  i have recently come to discover. Since that day, he has not bugged me about it and seemed to understand the situation, which i hope is true. (although he did mention afterwards about how he has not given up yet.) I'm just somehow relieved that i overcame another hurdle again. I'm getting tired of it but i can't do much as long as i refuse to let go of the friendship.So i'm basically just strolling through it. That is,until the next bomb goes off. Tick tock tick tock~ So,for now,nothing much is bugging me in terms of relationships and this can be pretty liberating actually.:) Spares me some time for myself and studies too. Ah what fun lol.

Signing off,

Ath xxx

It's true when they say you learn a bit more about yourself through relationships.and ultimately,from the end of it. I think i haven't done so much of growing up since I was an infant,haha. It made me realize that this is just one hurdle that comes along in life,many more to come. So in the end, I just grit my teeth let it pass. And thank god it passed. For now,I'm just somewhat content. God's been good to me, he gives me what I truly and only need at the moment. The rest, is saved up for later;).

So what was I up to besides suffering from Acute Heart-Breaking Syndrome (AHBS)?A rojak of a lil' of this and another bit of that,i guess.

Anyway,to be honest, this is my n-th attempt to finally,actually post this up. Originally i'm really supposed to be updating you guys with a welcome speech (did i include this previously?) and sorts,but tonight,sigh. I think i just broke someone's heart.No,no,not that jerk...but one other certain fellow. For the previous month or so he crossed my path (or shud i say i crossed his?No idea. )Not gonna elaborate,but let's just say all the things he did was always what i had wanted to have a taste of (innocence,my gawd) but somehow,some part of me knew it wasn't right. There are people who are great and treat you well,but only to a certain level like good friends, and somehow you just can't imagine going beyond that. Besides that, the timing isn't all great anyway.

Maybe i did make a mistake before this when he tried to withdraw. I held him back by a sadly,breakable thread and i bet he knew just as well. but still he held on. Freaking abandonment issues,sigh. He says he will respect whatever decision i make, but there he goes asking for a reason. It's not too much that he's asking for, but i just don't know how to give. I just don't want to have to lose him as a friend. But i know i've dragged it for too long. The scale has obviously tilted to one side, and he undeniably deserves an explanation from me, as much as i hate to think about how i may have to get ready on losing a good friend again.  Before this perhaps i told a white lie to keep it going on, but i noe he can't keep chasing me forever.I've got to stop being so selfish. And so i guess it ends tonight.

g'nite as we both let go.

(p.s. :notice the vastly different tone in paragraphs (1,2,3) and (4,5)? Written separately at two different times of a different day and night.)

Here's to a great year ahead, i hope.

Cheers.

I need time to mourn, and even more to heal.

Thank you all who showered me with comfort and and support.

Loving family and dearest friends,

I'd be okay.

I'd stand up again.

I just know I would.

I have to.

xxx