he tells me how he used to be so in love with her.  how things were going fantastically great. 

the love.  the little pda here and then.

"but then", he says, "she changed.   it was over just like that.  she told me she couldn't do it anymore". 

i take his lighter and fire up my cig, and reply, that sounds familiar.

"I asked her what was wrong.  what did i do wrong, or what did we do wrong.  she told me she just couldn't settle with me.  not while she was still young.  not while there's still some much to see and do out there", he says. 

And i can sense his sadness and dispair in his voice.  the way he talks about her.  about they used to have before. 

he then turns and says, "i didn't know you smoke". 

i say, yeah, on occasion.  one of the many bad habits i've happend to pick up during my little self destructive cycle.  my destructive phase.  and people seem so surprised when they see me do this.  my parents.  my brothers.  my friends, or rather, the people that know me. 

like catching jesus watching porn.

"i spoke with her a few days ago.  she's dating this fucking jerk now.  she told me she slept with him, but it's just not the same.  not as what she and i used to have".

i asked him, why in the blue fuck did she had to go and tell you that she slept with the asshole?  what is she trying to do?  make it seem like what she did it's not that bad?  as if sleeping with the dude, but not feeling the love, is alright.  as if you're gonna be cool with that shit.  i mean, what the fuck. 

then i stop, and realize that i might've said too much.  or rather, let my past surface and shape my words.

"I still love her", he says.  "I still want her back".

In spite of everything that has happend?

I tell him, even if you could go back to her, do you really think things would be the same as before?

i think not.

And i suppose these things happen.  when one person leaves, the other is left with unanswered questions.

left to wonder.  with too much time in their hands. 

like an exodus.

but, here's a problem.  as much as i would love to look you straight in those baby blues of yours and straightin things out, without any censorship whatsoever, i can't help but restrain myself from it.  you may ask yourself, why?  well, here's the thing.  for some reason... for some very inexplicable reason, i can't, for the life of me, do or say anything that can hurt you in any way at this moment. 

in these situations, with other people, they ususally tend to go at each other's throats.  i mean, you know this, because i know this.  they'll go straight for each other's sweet spots.  any other guy in my place would've done something in spite for payback or to get some sorta revenge on you.  but in my case, i can't do something like that just to try to look cool. 

now, don't get me wrong.  i'm not a whimp nor a coward.  i usually don't "jew" myself out what's coming to me.  and you're well aware that i can be a cold bastard when the situation calls for it.  you've seen that side of me, but you've never experienced it.  and honestly i think you never will.  i was mad at you.  in a way, i think i'm mad still.  now, giving everything we've said and experienced, you can't really say that my reaction was that surprising to you.  still, after all of it, i can't just turn around and leave you behind.  i can't see myself doing that, specially to you.  as to why i can't do that, well, heavens if you don't know by now, then i don't know how else to explain it.

don't take what i've said just now as offensive.  by not walking away from you, i'm not trying to say in any way that you're useless, or incapable of taking care of yourself.  because i think you are capable of doing whatever you set yourself to do.  not only have you looked after yourself all this time, but you've also managed to raise and care of a sweet little girl, that let's face it, if it wasn't for you, god only knows what would've happend to her.  and about her, we can all see that you've done an amazing job raising her.  it's no easy feat to take care of a child, specially given the circumstances you faced.  i've often told you that you're stronger than me.  you've always been stronger. 

but going back to my point, the last time we spoke on the phone was very akward, to say the least.  i know, prior to the moment, i told you that i didn't want anything to do with you.  and then i called.  why did i say that to you?  well, because i was mad, for obvious reasons.  however, when it comes to uttering those words, i can honestly say that we both have said them before, only to find ourselves calling each other some time later.  i've done it, and you've done it.  at those moments, did we mean those words?  perhaps.  or it was just out of spite.  or it was the heat of the moment; only you and i know.  what i'm sure of is that, in my case, which i hope that it's your case as well, after uttering them, i only found regret afterwards.

if by now, all this seems to cryptic, then let me be simple.  what i'm trying to say is that right now, at this moment, i still care about you.  i've always have, hence my expression to you, that you're hard to forget.  but what i'm not trying to say is that i want us back together again.  don't get me wrong.  i do love you.  but for me to see us together as before, it's difficult, given everything in between and the circumstances right now.  it took me a hell of a lot to acknowledge this, let alone accept it.  if you wanna move on with your life with someone else, that's fine.  i have to live with that.  but try to understand that because we shared so much in the past 5 years or so, me walking out on you seems highly unlikely.  the way i see it, i'm just gonna stand back and watch you evolve.  there's a heap of shit going with your life, and i'm sure, because life sucks, there's more to come.  some is in your hands to control and prevent, some isn't.  and it's not right for me to add more to what you already have to manage. 

the point of all this is not to give you nor myself any false hope for the future.  it's also to show you that even though i was really, really pissed off at you, in no way does that mean that i hate you.  and you and i know that there's a difference between being mad and hate.  it's also to let you know, though i'm sure you knew this already, that since the day i've met you, i've only wished the best for you.  granted, we've clashed heads so many times, my intentions have never changed.  they remain sincere.  i've always told you that you deserve the best in life, and nothing more. 

what happens after this, i have no idea.  are we to become friends?  or two strange weirdos?  i honestly don't know.  but what i do know, is that if you dare call what we had a "phase" again, which for the record, it was quite cruel, i'm gonna get on a plane and fly south just to punch in the tits.

in spite of it all, you know me, and you know who i am.  and i know you.  and you're not a bad person. 

you're a terrific person.  you're my favorite person. 

but every once in a while, you can be a real cunt.

i'm beginning to understand myself a little better.  my pros and cons.  my strenght and weakness.  actually, i used to ignore my weaknesses.  i figure, it was because i either was too stubborn, or i just didn't want to face reality.  as to what reality i refer, well, don't you wish you would know?

i thought working two jobs would solve some of my problems, but it just made them worse.  i thought to myself, staying busy, being busy, for once, would not let me think of everything and everyone else.  and it does work, to some extent.  but not fully in the way i would love it to.  perhaps i need a third job. 

nostalgia is just like a roach.  you think you've killed it, but it just keeps coming back again and again, and in greater force.  this is why i hate early mornings.  the break of dawn.  magic hour, as some would call it.  when your senses are still half asleep, and you're not fully awake.  your subconciousness is still running wild, unleashing flashes and memories of things and people you rather forget. 

this, of course, leads the way to encore of emotions. 

in the mornings, when i make my way to the bathroom, i try to avoid mirrors.  because i know one glance of my own eyes, and i'm off to self pity land.  self fucking land.  self torture land. 

i swear i must be the biggest masochist in the world.

it's like mouthing down the barrell of a loaded gun, and sticking your tongue inside the hole.  tasting the metal and gun powder, and pressing the trigger and blowing yourself away. 

i've stop being a person to everyone.  now, i'm just a sad story.  i can feel them looking  at me with great pity and sorrow.  but i look back and think to myself, these people don't even know the half of it.  nor do they want to know.  there's nothing cathartic about it.  it's more like politeness with courtesy, with a hint of hypocrasy. 

and so, at work, all the men look at me and shake their heads, wondering when will i pick up my own pieces and get myself together, while the women nourish me and care of me, as the prodigal son, the black sheep. 

i once came to work sick.  coughing like an old man and with a high fever.  Kristen, the sweet doll that she is, touch my forehead with her long, white hand, the way you think an elf or angel hand looks and feels like.  she then gave me a pill with her other hand, and told me that it would make me feel all better. 

and i felt so great, so good, knowing that at least she looks after me when i don't look after myself. 

but that's as far as it will go.  that's as far as she would go. 

lauren turned out to be a bitch. 

i have my d. l., but haven't been able to get another job yet.

jenn moved to FL.  (god, i hate that fucking state.)

business is still the same.

i'm in debt, i have collectors calling me at 7 a.m., noon, 5 p.m., and 8 p.m., and i already know their numbers, so i just reject them.

my cell is disconnected.

i'm under so much stress, i only sleep a handful of hours per night, if i'm not drinking myself to sleep.

i was in an accident.

but nothing comes without it's merits.  i've made a few good friends, and one of them has a band.  so that's been a good distraction for me.  been going out to bars a lot to see them play and what not.  i've met a few good girls as well, but nothing serious at the moment.

so i think that's pretty much it.