I just really hate what's happening right now. I mean.. I know they're all concerned about me and stuff.. but really. They don't really know the person. It's not entirely his fault too.. It's mine. Cause really, I was falling out of love for Ards. Damn it.

It's not like I could tell myself "Stop loving him" when I just can't. It's impossible. Friends and others tell me that the feeling's new.. Cause everything just happened so fast.. Yadda yada yada. But really, it isn't that. It isn't new. And I would know if I love the person or not. You feel it. I was aware before that I simply had a crush on him. And that's that. It was just a crush. But damn. After our first kiss, my first impulse was to say "I love you", but I thought better. I didn't want to scare him away. Then I thought.. Is it real? Do I really love this guy?

Sometimes, being with him seems surreal. I never expected him to see me as more than a friend. We were the best of friends.. "bestest friends". Neither of us expected that something like this would happen. Like he said.. We've hurt a lot of people.. Even ourselves. But that won't make us stop loving each other. Everyone may be against it.. But really. If they'd let things be, they'll see what a great person he is. They'll see that I'm not the person who I am right now.. A person who always fights them to defend my loved one. o.o

How right. Us against the world. God. Why can't they just leave us be. Everyone's biased. And I do know that Ards is really kind. I mean, he doesn't hate me. And he doesn't even blame me. Even if it's all my fault, actually. If I hadn't entertained him, then things would be alright. If Ards and I didn't have a misunderstanding before, then things might turn out fine. But then.. It isn't like that.

This is the first time I fell this hard for someone. I really am inlove. The spark? It's there. What I've been looking for. And it's not because he has been my crush.. No. Gelo had become my crush, but there wasn't any spark like this. This.. This is different. God, I really do love him.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Haha. I didn't believe in this. I even told my mom. She said, yes, just like her. She asked if that's what I feel with Ards (this was before, before the breakup. I told my mom that Ards and I were on a "rocky" relationship.) I said.. Yes. Then she tried making Ards and me go out often. But then see, it didn't work. I really thought about him. When he came along.. I mean, with what has happened, that statement applies to me now. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And it makes me irritated too. I want to be with him every single minute, every single second. These 5 days of not kissing him.. of not hugging him.. of not even seeing him.. God. It's torture. Plain torture. I want to be with him. I never felt this way with Ards before.

God. I sound so mean, don't I? Comparing. x.x  I'm sorry.. but I really do like this guy. I LOVE him. Get it? Got it? Good.

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The list could go on and on. Why can't it stop? Why can't I stop? Boo. Everything's getting screwed. I mean. God. Can't I stop? Haha. Still scared. Coward.

Stress. Problems. Quitting. No sense of direction. Hopeless. Giving up. Stop. Please make it stop.

0.o

Nevermind. Doesn't matter. Haha. I do have an attitude problem don't I? Fuck. Mom's angry at me, Ardo's getting tired of me. And all cause of the choices that I make. It's true. I've screwed up.

Damn. Can't focus on work. I've been unorganized. And I've got a lunatic as my sister. 0.o

Or what? Is it because I'm unconsciously affected by a certain someone else? Maybe I am. I don't want to acknowledge things. Because of the fear of knowing them. If they turn out to be true. But I do hate thinking. Makes me do things that I regret. Why are my thoughts fucked up, then? WHY?

Haha. Asa. Happy? Really? Was with my friend the whole day. Cause he was supposed to help me edit videos. But then.. Something went wrong. I thought that he had the cable thing itself. Thing was, he was explaining that he had a firewire port in his laptop. We misunderstood each other. Once in the thesis room, I panicked cause I really wanted to finish everything. Anyway, he asked his friends if they had. Aw.. He told me "Swerte mo! Meron si ..". Then he kept saying sorry too. Haha. But it was okay. While waiting for his friend, we played neopets. And his tribalwars thing. Addict. :P We waited for around an hour and a half? I think. By the time the friend finally came, we both were very thankful. Till we found out that it didn't work and that my cam didn't have this usb something.

As he said "Worse comes to worst, we go to Umall to get someone transfer the minidv to a cd". So we went out. Went to Umall. First stop, the guy said it was 300. So my friend took me out and said "Mahal ang 300". So next stop, we asked how much. Girl said 250. But.. PER DV. I'm like "Holy sheep. It's costly. And unfair. I only had 10 minutes in one dv". Third stop, back to cdr king to buy firewire port cause we thought that it was the last chance/hope. I said "I didn't have the money". He said "Nah, I'll buy for myself". I'm like "why?" He's like "Cause I always wanted to have one. And it would be very useful next time". 0.o I know. Oh my. But anyway, upon reaching cdr king, someone called him. One of the MOCC's. So, yay! He said "Swerte mo talaga ngayon, Cham!" Ako naman.. "Bakit?" "Meron na nakaset up sa office! Yes!" So we went to the ROTC office. Then there! He captured! Sparred pa with my friend. Mock lang. And nothing big. Aroung a minute lang. So we waited. But then ang tagal! We went back to the thesis room cause he left his friend there. So we went back.. Then. We talked lang. Then, he went back to see how the videos were. Thing is, it wasn't done yet! And he left me along with his laptop. Fishy... Pictures of him and.. Haha. So there. Then he went back. His friend left. Then we talked about a lot of things. Then then..

Ardo texted. But I didn't have load that time. So, I used my friend's phone. Stupid! Wrong move. He knew who owned that number. Then, poof! Koko effin Crunch. 0.o Anyway, he had to do his demo. So I had no one to go with. Eh my friend was gonna practice his piano skills. Went with him. Listened. Send in the Cloud, Eternity, and a part of Eyes on Me. Yes, he knows about my past. Haha.

Then, we had to say our goodbyes. He had a meeting, I had a.. Well. I thought Arding was done. But then no.. Left without seeing Arding. And since he knew who I was with, badtrip. The whole time. Till this time. Sigh. Wrong move.

By the way, he smells good. Like powder or lotion. Smells so good. Has this distinct smell. Wee.